our struggle with infertility
Oct. 2006 ~ I will never feel a baby growing inside of me; I will never have that ‘baby tummy’ or be able to blame my forgetfulness on ‘baby brain’. I sometimes wonder if it would have been better not to know who the ‘broken’ one was. I feel inadequate as a wife, and as a woman. I can not give my husband the baby he has dreamed of, one that we have dreamed of creating together. We were both devastated when we heard the news, we tried to be strong. I had a feeling I knew what the doctor was going to say before we went to our appointment. ‘Inoperable’ I had no idea it would be that bad. Everyone was encouraging me, telling me the doctors have to be able to correct it. Well they were all wrong! What do they know anyway? How many people do we come into contact with everyday that has fertility issues!?? Why is the subject so taboo? How come no one wants to talk about it? Why does everyone shut off when you tell them? We decided that instead of having to deal with the BIG question… “So when are going to start a family” we would just tell our friends and family that we are NEVER going to have a baby, so stop asking us! We decided to be upfront.
Holidays are the worst, this thanksgiving was great, no one asked and only one comment about babies was made in our company. Church is hard, too many people that think they know us - have no idea what is going on in our personal lives. Too many little babies, I am starting to hate going because and I can’t handle seeing their tiny little hands and feet! It hurts too much!
Now we have Hank, we totally LOVE Hank, he fills some of the void, he is so excited to see us, and loves us unconditionally. He is cute and everyone that meets him loves him too! We are blessed to have found such a cute happy puppy. And he is cheaper than a baby! I have decided that I like picking up dog poop more than cleaning dirty diapers! Much less messy! I suppose we are destined to become crazy dog people!
Registered: March 20, 2005 Location: Butler, PA Posts: 77721
Sun, Oct 15, 2006 @ 3:05 AM
I cannot know your pain . . . but, I do know your joy with that beautiful little pup . . . hope he helps fill the void in your life!!! His love truly is unconditional and he will bring you much happiness!
That photo of his little behind is priceless!
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Registered: August 23, 2005 Location: Alvarado, Tx Posts: 1
Sun, Oct 15, 2006 @ 5:29 AM
I too understand how you feel. However, God gave us our pets to fill that void. We now have 3 dogs and they are the children we never had. We wouldn't trade them for anything, but the pain of not having children does sometimes creep back into our lives. Just hang in there and love that puppy!
Registered: July 19, 2004 Location: Deep in the Heart of Texas Posts: 5635
Sun, Oct 15, 2006 @ 5:57 AM
I'm sorry for what you've gone through & continue to deal with on a daily basis. Your layout is nice, your pup is too cute! I hope you continue your healing process in finding the little blessings along the way. Donna
Registered: December 31, 2003 Location: Maryland Posts: 7011
Sun, Oct 15, 2006 @ 6:32 AM
What a great page - the photos and the journaling are the most important elements to any page you you're journaling is outstanding. You're right, those not going through the same situation have no idea and don't really know how to handle it when speaking to those going through something so emotional and personal. Thanks for sharing such heartfelt emotions.
Registered: May 15, 2005 Location: Charlotte, NC Posts: 8065
Sun, Oct 15, 2006 @ 7:18 AM
I know I cannot imagine the disappointment you are experiencing! How special you are to share your feelings in such an open and honest way. May you find contentment and joy with little Hank (he's such a cute fella)!
Registered: June 28, 2006 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 1427
Sun, Oct 15, 2006 @ 7:55 AM
I, too, understand you completely. It is earth shattering to get that news with such finality. Give yourself some time to grieve. But then remember the purpose for having children shouldn't be to fulfill our own desires, but to raise them into Godly adults and be a blessing in their lives. We are able to do that without actually birthing them ourselves through many different avenues. Take your time to grieve because you will need it, but look forward to what you can add to a child's life because there are children out there who need you!
Registered: January 25, 2005 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4073
Sun, Oct 15, 2006 @ 9:10 AM
Even those of us without children by choice, know the love of a good dog! Your Hank is precious and I love the pic of the two of you gazing into each other's eyes with all that love. We're between dogs right now, but I'm sure we will have another one to love and be loved by soon.