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Old 05-20-2009, 11:38 PM   #881
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Karen, some people just don't understand what adoption is really about. I have had people ask me why we are adopting, why don't we just have babies of our own. I have a daughter who is my biological child, she's almost 14, I had her when I was 16. So people don't understand why if I was able to have 1 child, why can't I have more. I had my DD before I was diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis. And also a couple of years ago was diagnosed with a rare spinal cord condition. I can live a mostly normal life with the condition, but I have been told that if I were to get pregnant (even if I could) I would possibly end up paralyzed because of the strain a pregnancy would put on my spinal cord. (The dr.'s are trying to get the insurance co. to consent to a hysterectomy now, we'll see if they do or not) So I can't have biological children anymore. People don't understand that though because they have never experienced the heartache of infertility.

My point is, some people just don't understand that it isn't easy for others to get pregnant and have children that are biologically their own. And most of those same people don't understand what an amazing blessing adoption is. Yes, Birthmom's change their minds. But at the same time, you can't let that fear encompass you. Get excited, be happy, prepare your home for your little one. It's o.k. to do that.

Everything will work out according to the Lord's will. He knows what is best for all of you. Trust in him. It will all be o.k.

I'm so excited that you get to meet your BM this weekend. I have heard that it is a wonderful experience. You have the right attitude and mindset. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
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Old 05-26-2009, 01:30 AM   #882
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Karen, Been thinking about you. How did your meeting with your birthmom go?
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Old 05-26-2009, 09:33 AM   #883
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Well he's here! The little coffeebean officially moved in today- but had already come over on 2 day visits.
We had been spending a lot of at his house, but his foster carer was not keen to let him go so she was less than helpful in showing us how to care for him. It's all worth it though.

He is a wonderful little boy, and so bright, that's not just the proud mummy talking but the paediatrician's report too!
The only problem we have that seems tricky is that he has NEVER fallen asleep in his cot, or even laying down for that matter.
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Old 05-26-2009, 12:21 PM   #884
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Wohoo! Congrats Sam! So tell us all about him! What's his age etc?
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Old 05-26-2009, 02:16 PM   #885
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OMG!! How exciting Sam!! I can't wait to hear more about your new little guy. WOW, that's so exciting! Congratulations!!!
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Old 05-26-2009, 03:16 PM   #886
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He is 13 months old- and has 5 teeth- with a few more on the way. He seems to be settling really well, but naturally I worry a little about attachment. He was with his Birth mother until he was a few months old, then put in one foster home and then another. He is a real cutie pie and we do feel very blessed that he has found us. People say he looks a bit like each of us. It doesn't matter to us though, we are just so happy he is here. I know it's been a hard journey for him but we will make it up to him, by being the best parents we can.

Oh and after an hour of soothing he has gone to sleep in his cot for us!
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Old 05-26-2009, 04:18 PM   #887
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Oh how precious!! Congratulations!! I am so happy for you.
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Old 05-26-2009, 04:26 PM   #888
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Hello all! Well we met our BM this weekend. She is a real sweet girl. We were all a little nervous starting out but things went really well. She is totally open to me being at as many dr appts as possible and would like me in the delivery room!!! WOW!! I was so thrilled to hear that! I can't wait! She is already showing pretty good too. It was so cute to see. We are so excited and anxious. We finally started telling the fam today. So far both families are totally supportive. Super glad about that.
I called about the home study today. I spoke with a very nice person. I am so eager to get going on that. It will feel like we are finally getting the ball rolling so to speak.
We are planning another trip to meet with BM on 4th of July weekend. I'll keep you posted on how things go. BM says it could be twins but she isn't sure yet. She was concerned about how we would react if she is pg w/twins. HELLO!!!! Are you kidding me??? DOUBLE BLESSING for us!! Seriously!! We would love that!! No worries on this end dear BM. NONE what-so-ever! We can handle that!! What a joy that would be!
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Old 05-26-2009, 08:07 PM   #889
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Awesome Sam!!!

And Karen too.

And just to clarify - we only planned to do an infant adoption through LDS Family Services. That's how we ended up with a three year old. God works in mysterious ways. Court in two days!!!!
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Old 05-27-2009, 05:09 AM   #890
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Congrats everyone!!! Reading everyone's news lets me know things will work out just the way they are supposed to, we have 4 more classes, all paper work is ready to hand in except for one personal reference. we had physicals yesterday, we are both healthy and so anxious for a child.... but we know we have to have patience, it will happen when its supposed to happen. Thanks to everyone for sharing such great news.
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Old 05-28-2009, 09:54 AM   #891
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Sam, Your little man sounds just precious! Congrats! Any word on how long it will take for finalization?
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Old 05-28-2009, 09:55 AM   #892
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Karen, I'm so glad that things went so well with meeting BM.
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Old 05-28-2009, 09:55 AM   #893
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Paula, Congrats on court coming up!
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Old 05-28-2009, 09:56 AM   #894
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Betty, Wohoo for progress!
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Old 05-28-2009, 10:00 AM   #895
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No news here. Still waiting..... It will happen when it's meant to, I have no doubt about that. In the meantime we are prepping to leave life as we know it behind and start a new one. DH's time in service in the Army is up in November, but we are taking leave in Sept. and moving back to Utah. We have been looking for a house and DH today went to talk to someone from the National Guard and Reserves to see about whether he can get a position there before he gets out. They don't have a slot for him in the National Guard (he would have to drop rank). But they do have a slot for him in his current job and current rank in the reserves so that's awesome! He will have 2 years stabilization, which means no deployment unless he wants to go. And then in 2 years he can decide if he wants to stay. The best part is, we can keep the insurance. We would pay a monthly premium that is way less then what we would be paying at his cilivian job. So things with that are moving right along.
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Old 05-28-2009, 11:18 AM   #896
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Sharon- it sounds like things are going well for you.
We can apply for the final adoption order 10 weeks after last Tuesday. So that is August 4th- then it should be finalised and sealed whithin a month.
It is great having him around it really is.
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Old 05-28-2009, 05:36 PM   #897
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Just checking in. So glad to hear things are moving right along for everyone. We are waiting for our initial home study packet to come in the mail. VERY eager to get that started. The lady I spoke with about it was very nice and put my mind at ease. We are going for fingerprints tomorrow. At least I finally feel like I am accomplishing something. That certainly helps! I think we are going to try to see BM again on 4th of July weekend. I'll keep you posted. We are sooooo anxious to find out the sex of the baby so we can get started on the nursery. WOW!! A nursery. I am still in awe that we will actually be preparing a nursery. I have waited my whole life for this moment. I still cant' believe it's here. What an honor it is to be chosen to adopt a baby. A true blessing indeed.
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Old 05-28-2009, 05:42 PM   #898
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Karen, my tail is waggin' for you! Keep us posted! And possibly twins?? Woo HOOOO!!
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Old 05-29-2009, 08:06 AM   #899
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Karen, what fun to decorate a nursery, have fun and congrats!
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Old 06-01-2009, 04:08 PM   #900
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coffeeaddictsam View Post
Well he's here! The little coffeebean officially moved in today- but had already come over on 2 day visits.
We had been spending a lot of at his house, but his foster carer was not keen to let him go so she was less than helpful in showing us how to care for him. It's all worth it though.

He is a wonderful little boy, and so bright, that's not just the proud mummy talking but the paediatrician's report too!
The only problem we have that seems tricky is that he has NEVER fallen asleep in his cot, or even laying down for that matter.
CONGRATULATIONS!
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Old 06-07-2009, 03:02 PM   #901
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CONGRATULATIONS!
Thanks Leah!

Karen can I recommend a book called " Primal wound" by Nancy Verbier, part one will have you running for the hills, part two you may still feel negative, but hopefully by the end of the book you will feel positive, it really is helpful when adopting an infant to understand a lot of things about a child separated from the birth mother, they take in a lot more than we may realise.
I know with the little coffee bean a lot of stuff already slots into place because I had read the book.
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Old 06-08-2009, 12:24 PM   #902
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Hi girls! It is Stephanie again. I was involved in the thread in the beginning, but somehow I lost the updates on it???
But Im back now!
I havent pursued anything in finding my birthmother, Im still quite nervous. I am feeling more confident in thinking it may be the route for me. I just dont want to hurt my parents in doing so. They are so good to me.

Congrats to all of you that are adopting!
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Old 06-08-2009, 03:17 PM   #903
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Hi girls! It is Stephanie again. I was involved in the thread in the beginning, but somehow I lost the updates on it???
But Im back now!
I havent pursued anything in finding my birthmother, Im still quite nervous. I am feeling more confident in thinking it may be the route for me. I just dont want to hurt my parents in doing so. They are so good to me.

Congrats to all of you that are adopting!
Okay I am new to this- but I would expect the little bean to go out and hunt out his birth mother one day. She is the reason he exists, right or wrong good or bad (and nothing in adoption is black and white, although there is some dark grey!) she made him who he is, and I love him. He will as a young man need to know who she is. I would hope to support him through it.

ETA- What I am saying is, trust your parents to understand.
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Old 06-08-2009, 04:34 PM   #904
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Hey Stephanie! Nice to see you again.
I agree with Sam, trust your mom and dad. They will understand. It's been a while so I don't remember, but have you asked them how they feel about you wanting to find your birthmom? If you are a little nervous about actually making contact with her, what about when you do find her, maybe write her a letter just telling her about your life and how grateful you are to her for making such a sacrifice and that you're o.k. and if she wants to contact you she can write to you or email you. That way you can get to know her slowly. If she doesn't contact you back at least you know that you let her know you're doing well. {{{HUGS}}} We're here for you!
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Old 06-09-2009, 06:47 PM   #905
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Hey Stephanie! Nice to see you again.
I agree with Sam, trust your mom and dad. They will understand. It's been a while so I don't remember, but have you asked them how they feel about you wanting to find your birthmom? If you are a little nervous about actually making contact with her, what about when you do find her, maybe write her a letter just telling her about your life and how grateful you are to her for making such a sacrifice and that you're o.k. and if she wants to contact you she can write to you or email you. That way you can get to know her slowly. If she doesn't contact you back at least you know that you let her know you're doing well. {{{HUGS}}} We're here for you!
Thanks guys, i appreciate what you wrote.
I think the letter idea is a perfect idea. That way she could respond or not, depending on how she felt. I suppose I have always wondered how I could have so many brothers and sisters and not one of them tried to find me? Its a strange feeling. I think that is the one thing that keeps me from searching.
Although I wouldnt even know how to begin to find them.
You are probably right about trusting my parents to be able to handle it. I feel in a way it would hurt them though, whether they would admit it or not. They always bring up how my brother would never search for his parents, but they know that I am curious about my family.
Anyway, maybe I will research a little on the net about finding birth families.
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Old 06-10-2009, 11:05 AM   #906
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Stephanie, our case worker asked us that very question. How would when our little one is 18 years old and he or she wanted to find his or her birthparents. I was quite honest with him. I told him I would be supportive because I think it's important for anyone who wants to know who they are and where they came from to know that information. I would be also be apprehensive and a little hurt. But I would have to trust that I gave our child enough love and knowledge of that love and they weren't wanting to find thier birthparents because they wanted to replace us, but that they just wanted to know who thier birthparents are/were. A lot of emotions go into it. Just assure your parents that they are your parents, and nothing will ever change that. That you love them more then anything and that you don't want to replace them. It's just that you want to know who your birthmom is.
As for finding your birthmom, there are google search's, or if you know the name of the agency that placed you, you could try and get the info from them. I know there are also websites that are dedicated to finding birthfamilies. It's possible that your siblings want to find you, they just don't know where to start either.
Good luck sweetie. we are all here if you need us. {{{HUGS}}}
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Old 06-12-2009, 04:36 PM   #907
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Okay I am new to this- but I would expect the little bean to go out and hunt out his birth mother one day. She is the reason he exists, right or wrong good or bad (and nothing in adoption is black and white, although there is some dark grey!) she made him who he is, and I love him. He will as a young man need to know who she is. I would hope to support him through it.
Hi all,
I'm new here but I just wanted to add another perspective. I was adopted when I was about three years old; I was abandoned by my birth mother when I was about 1 or 1 1/2 years old. I'm over 50 now. I have never sought out my birth mother or her family. Not because I'm not curious, but because I honestly wonder why she gave me up. She rejected me, and that pain has been around for a long time. I don't know why she rejected me, I assume it was because she wanted me to have a better home than she could provide. But there is a part of me that wonders what I did wrong, and I don't think that part will go away if I meet her, write to her, etc. And the fact is, she never sought me out, nor did any siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins etc.

Another consideration is that even if you think you would be OK with letting your child seek his/her birth mother, how do you know what you will feel in 10, 16 or 20 years? My mom is in her 80s and I can see the hurt in her eyes whenever I ask about my birth parents. She has been as open as she can be, but it still hurts her.

One thing I would like to say is this: don't ever sugar coat it for the child. Adoption is as hard for the child as it is for you mothers and fathers. You go through testing and lots of angst. But so does the child at some point.

Stephanie and I have talked about this online and I have expressed some of the same feelings to her.
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Old 06-13-2009, 02:50 PM   #908
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Thank you, Gail, for your perspective.

I adopted through Children's Services and try hard to come up with the "right" answers when my daughters ask me about their birthmom. So far things are going great. They're happy with basic answers, not much detail, but I worry about when they get older and start to wonder how their birthmom could have neglected them so.

One thing I learned from classes is to consider the family history. Birthmom probably didn't have the parenting that she deserved to have and therefore didn't know how to properly care for and love a child of her own.

I feel sympathy for birthmom when I realize all that's she's missing out on. My daughters are a joy.
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Old 06-15-2009, 01:07 PM   #909
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Hi all,


Another consideration is that even if you think you would be OK with letting your child seek his/her birth mother, how do you know what you will feel in 10, 16 or 20 years? My mom is in her 80s and I can see the hurt in her eyes whenever I ask about my birth parents. She has been as open as she can be, but it still hurts her.

One thing I would like to say is this: don't ever sugar coat it for the child. Adoption is as hard for the child as it is for you mothers and fathers. You go through testing and lots of angst. But so does the child at some point.

Stephanie and I have talked about this online and I have expressed some of the same feelings to her.
Hi Gail!
Nice to see you again!
I agree with you. Adoption from our view can be so incredibly painful. It sure is bittersweet. We are blessed to have been given the chance at a better life. Not everyone is given that opportunity. We were chosen and I know that. But, it doesnt take away the unknown. Not knowing where we came from? Not knowing if we were really loved by our birthmothers.

I was a young mother and the thought of giving up my baby never crossed my mind. I knew it was going to be hard. But I could never trust someone to love my baby the way I could. I suppose that was when I realized what had really happened to me. After my babygirl was born. I get it now. I was given away as a baby! A baby! A innocent child that had no choice, no voice. Maybe I would of been ok, with my birthmother. I would of loved her just the same, if she were imperfect. Unable to care for me. I had FIVE brothers and sisters. Why was it ok to keep them, but not ME? How could she just give me away? What were her reasons? Now we are left wondering, forever.

Its so frustrating to me. To have this empty place in my heart. There is only one way to fill the void, but is it worth it? Will she want to see me? Will it make the hurt I have worse?
Im thirty years old now, and I know if I was going to find her, now is the time. But I just cant seem to bring myself to do it. To take the first step.
I understand exactly how you feel Gail. I see the pain in my moms eyes when we talk about my birthmother. I know it would hurt her and I dont want to bring any pain to her heart. She is so wonderful!

She has this poem in the bathroom...

Not flesh of my flesh,
nor bone of my bone.
But never the less,
still my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You werent born under my heart
but in it.
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Old 06-15-2009, 07:34 PM   #910
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Hello ladies. It is good for me to hear from Stephanie and from Gail. I find myself thinking about our baby that we are in the process of adopting. Our lil beanbean isn't even born yet and I am already thinking ahead to the day they ask WHY their mother gave them up. Especially since she already has 1 child that she kept. This will be her 2nd. My heart already breaks for that day. I know I can and will love this baby with all that I have. But I also know and realize that all my love could never replace knowing their birthmother and needing to feel that connection with their biological parents. I love the poem that Stephanie's mother has in the bathroom. That is so touching to me.

We had our first interview with our case worker tonight. It went very well. Our next interview is next Tuesday.

Our next visit with our birth mother is July 4th weekend. She has said that she does not want to see the baby at all after birth. Nor does she wish (at this time) to have any contact with the baby at all. She has, however, said that IF we want to send pics to send them to my sister and she could just see them there. So she doesn't even want to pics sent directly to her. Our birth mother is my sister's 24 yr. old step daughter (as of a few weeks ago!) I am wanting to gather as much information about her now as I can to put in a keepsake box for when our baby is old enough to ask about her. I pray that I am strong enough to support them when the time comes for them to ask about her and want to meet her. I pray that I will be their support and help them in anyway I can. Even though I know it will hurt and I will worry that I will lose them. I have to put my faith and trust in God to give me what I need when that time comes.
Sorry to be so long winded. This has just been on my mind a lot lately. Thank you Stephanie and Gail for sharing with us. Stephanie, please keep us posted on what you do decide to do and how it goes for you.
HUGS TO ALL and good night!
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Old 06-16-2009, 05:59 AM   #911
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Wow... this brings up a lot of stuff. I'm glad that Steph and Gail have been willing to share their feelings on this subject. It seems to be such a taboo subject, and it's hard to find adoptees who are willing to be so honest and vulnerable about this. Thank you, ladies.

I am an adoptive mom, and my 10-yo is dealing with some of this right now. She has this fantasy that her birth-mom and she had this great relationship, and she misses it. In truth, her birth mom never took her OR ANY OF HER 5 OR 6 SIBLINGS home from the hospital. Grandma has been in contact with the children, but the b-mom never has. All the kids were brought up in the orphanage system in Belarus. My daughter had spina bifeda and was destined to become paralyzed. I had the misfortune to see the facility they place their throw-away children in, and it was one of the worst places I have ever seen. The idea that she would have ended up (and died) in that horrible place brings me to tears. I know what was in her future. She does not. (She has, in the meantime, become paralyzed, ((long story))... one more crappy thing to deal with) So she has invented this alternate reality that is so way out there. She is going to a therapist to try to work thru some of this, and her attitude has gotten better toward me in the past few weeks. Still a lot of grief and anger for both her b-mom and her mobility. The therapist and I talk, so she knows the facts.

What can I do to help heal that wound? For awhile, she saw me as the one who 'took her away' from b-mom. It's so far from the truth. I DON'T want her to see me as a rescuer who SAVED her and she has to be GRATEFUL for my intervention, I want her to love me as her mom. (lol... she is watching a movie in the same room right now, and I just stretched, and she mimicked me, same stretch, same 'ahhhh'. So she identifies with me a bit, right?) I adore this child. I want her to be happy and healthy and well adjusted. WHat do I do to help facilitate this? I am willing to talk about b-mom, and have shared what little information I do have. When she asked if it were true that b-mom didn't take her home from the hospital, I told her that was true, and that it was true for her brother and sisters as well. I did tell her that we had reason to respect and be grateful to b-mom because she didn't choose abortion (as is very common in that country), instead letting her live and be adopted into a family that would be able to love and take care of her. (And the truth is, we don't know if b-mom was even sober enough to do anything about the pregnancy if she wanted to, but I kept that part to myself.) There is a name of a father on the original birth certificate, but from what I've heard of the mom's character, that probably isn't the real name, especially considering that she put the same name down for all the children. I make a scrapbook of her now life, and I make it double and send the second copy back to her Grandma and older sister back in Belarus. We get letters about once a year from Grandma that dad translates and we carefully preserve them for her so she can read them whenever she wants. I have NOT made a life-book for her, (what we know of her life from birth to adoption, including info on her birth country and culture) but have been thinking of it quite seriously since all this resentment has boiled up.

Steph, Gail, what would be your advise for us adoptive moms? What can I do to support my daughter and help her to come to terms with the feelings of abandonment, of the 'what if's, of the 'yeah, but's? How do I 'fix' it? How can I help her see me as being on her side other than being as honest with her and respectful of her bio mom as possible?
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Old 06-16-2009, 08:17 AM   #912
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Steph, Gail, what would be your advise for us adoptive moms? What can I do to support my daughter and help her to come to terms with the feelings of abandonment, of the 'what if's, of the 'yeah, but's? How do I 'fix' it? How can I help her see me as being on her side other than being as honest with her and respectful of her bio mom as possible?

WOW, now that IS the question. Isnt it?!?

Im not quite sure how to answer this, but let me just type a little and see if it comes out as an answer, lol!

What can you do to help with feelings of abandonment?
Im not sure there is anything you can do, honestly. Whats done is done. Birthmom made her choice. She did abandon her baby, no matter how you look at it. She left her to fend for herself, alone. That is so hard to get over, in my situation. It is very hard for me to understand how anyone can do that. Just leave a baby, in the hands of strangers. You dont know those people, do you Birthmother? You trusted in whoever to take your child, your family member, your blood and take care of it and see it to a better life. But how did you really know everything would be ok? You didnt!

I think the life book is amazing. I have never heard of one. All I have is one letter, explaining my Grandfather was a fullblooded Cherokee Indian and loved art. Well if you can see how important that is to me, I obviously LOVE art. Look at the site I am on, currently! I also have a Indian dream catcher tattooed on my arm. I did it when I was 18. It was a way for me to show my true heritage, because I am so proud of being Cherokee. It is me, it is one way for me to let the world know who I am. It gives me a chance to show where I came from and honor that side of my life.


How can I help her see me as being on her side other than being as honest with her and respectful of her bio mom as possible?

I think you already answered this one. You obviously have looked at this from all angles and that alone is wonderful! Im certain she knows you are on her side and if she strays from seeing the truth of your unconditional love, it will come back to her. One day, it will. It did to me. I was quite rebellious when I was a teen. I hurt my mom so badly, and it was because I was just lost. I didnt know who I was, where I came from or where I belonged. Now I have a family of my own and I identify myself through them. They Are ME!
I just letting her know you understand that this is hurting her deeply, more than you can know is a big one. My Mom told me she understood my feelings and it bothered me, because I didnt think she really did truly understand. I dont think anyone can, until you are put up for adoption. Not wanted. That hurts and talking to Gail, i dont think it goes away. She is 50! Im 30 now, and that hurt has not lessened one bit.

what would be your advise for us adoptive moms?

You are wonderful Creatures. You are a different breed. You should be commended (sp) for all you have done. You have a took a child, not your own, out of a potentially bad situation and gave her a life she would of never had a chance at. You have changed this persons identity into something warm and wonderful. You are Gods Gift to your child! You are amazing and have a beautiful soul to be able to do this. Not just anyone can take someones child and love it like their own baby!
I would say if I had to do offer any advice is, dont brush her pain aside. Make her open up about it and let it ALL out. The good, the bad, the unknown. Make her see that is ok to not understand. Let her know if she decides she wants to meet her birthmother, you will stand next to her and hold her hand. You are by her side, no matter what. Let her know that she was abandoned before, but that will NEVER happen again. EVER! As God as your witness, she will never be left alone.
I would of liked to hear that when I was about 12 and then again every year of my teen years. I was so sad and lost. I resorted to drugs, to take away some pain. I got into tons of trouble and could of cared less. I lost respect for myself because I thought no one REALLY cared what happened. So why should I?
One of the reasons I had my daughter so young. But let me tell you, that changed EVERYTHING! She showed me a whole different side of adoption that I was telling you all about before. She gave me hope, and a new light. I was alone still, but I had her. She was my world, she was My BLOOD! My first blood relative. I have three blood relatives now. My three little girls. They are my gifts from God.
I look at my Mom differently now too. I see what she gave me. I was so blessed to be in her life. She gave me everything a little girl could every dream of. She loved me no matter what and she never lost site of it. I was the one who got lost.
But Im back now, and I am blessed to have found this thread, because as Im sure you can all figure out.. I need it!
I hope I can help you in some way and not scare any of you half to death about adoption!
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Old 06-20-2009, 07:06 PM   #913
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Steph, Gail, what would be your advise for us adoptive moms? What can I do to support my daughter and help her to come to terms with the feelings of abandonment, of the 'what if's, of the 'yeah, but's? How do I 'fix' it? How can I help her see me as being on her side other than being as honest with her and respectful of her bio mom as possible?[/QUOTE]

Let me see if I can come up with any words of wisdom or insight into this, Dawna. Hmmm... as far as your daughter living in a fantasy world that is far from the truth, I think that's inevitable given her age and what she has gone through. I used to fantasize about my birth father when I was her age. I would lie in bed and think about how much he must have loved me (after all, HE wasn't the one who took me to the state adoption agency and left me there; that was my birth mother!). I fantasized about him the most when my adoptive parents acted as if they didn't love me (like when I has just gotten a well deserved spanking or time out in my room). In reality, discipline was one way they showed me their love, but like most kids, I didn't like it. Anyway, when I was mad at them I would replace them in my mind with fantasies about my father. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it seems normal and a very reasonable way to escape from the reality of her life for a while. Just give her some breathing room. She'll outgrow it in time.

As far as being on her side and wanting her to realize that, try to remember that you are not in a contest with her birth mom for her love. Life is not about who's for and who's against the child (or whose actions show more love) when you're a parent; it's about being there and giving all the love you have. With that said, know that it's natural for you to want her to be reasonable and realize that you are the one who really loves her; just remember that she's a child going through a rough time and it's probably impossible at this time for her to be reasonable and rational about this. She'll see the truth in due time. Just continue to love her the best that you can.

As far as coming to terms with the abandonment issues, she might never get over that. All you can do is support her self-esteem and sense of self worth. Show her (don't just tell her) all of the wonderful things about her that you love. What makes you love HER as a person, not just an adopted child? Emphasize the positives in her personality and help her overcome any negatives she sees in herself (a therapist I know calls it "stinking thinking"). As she begins to believe in herself, the feelings of abandonment will decrease.

The best thing you can do for ANY child is to help them attain wholeness. Wholeness is not about being free from illness; all of us have some physical and emotional scars to deal with. But if you are whole: that is, in right relationship with God, with other people and WITH YOURSELF, you can cope. Help your child to understand (not just mentally but emotionally as well) that the golden rule doesn't say: "do unto others... and ignore your own needs"; rather, it says "do unto others... as you would have them do unto you". Your child has a right to respect, love, confidence, and worthiness. And the best person, indeed the only person, she can count on to give that to her all of her life is HERSELF. Teach her those things, and she will be in right relationship with herself. Teach her the golden rule, and she will be in right relationship with others. Teach her about God's love and grace, and she will be in right relationship with Him. Then she will be whole.

Thank you for being there for a child who otherwise would have known no human love. Thank you for putting yourself on the line for her. And thank you for loving her so much that you're willing to ask questions and then listen to Stephanie and myself.
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Old 06-23-2009, 09:38 AM   #914
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I just got an email from a friend of mine who is an adoptive mom. There is a new website, kind of like FB or here actually, for Adoption. It's called adoptionvoices.com. They have all sorts of groups and discussions on there. It's a place for anyone touched by adoption, whether a child who was adopted, birth mom, someone from a birth family, hoping to adopt couples, couples who have adopted, anyone really. You all should check it out.
They have groups for hoping to adopt, international adoptions, Catholic adoptions, LDS adoptions, Birth Moms, for people who are looking for birth families, etc. You all should check it out.
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Old 06-23-2009, 09:40 AM   #915
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Stephanie and Gail, thank you so much for your insight. It really helps to hear from someone who has been through this. It gives me lots of insight into how we should handle questions and feelings. Thank you.
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Old 06-23-2009, 10:37 AM   #916
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Thanks for the web site Sharon, I will go check it out in. We finished our parenting classes, they are coming for one more home visit, and then we wait on approval. Now that classes are over, I feel like we aren't doing anything productive, we will just need to learn more patience.
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Old 06-29-2009, 08:56 AM   #917
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Thanks for the website Sharon. I checked it out and have signed up too. I haven't got to spend a lot of time there yet but am certainly looking forward to it! Things have been pretty busy around here. We have tons of reading to work on, and classes to get started. Our individual interviews are tomorrow night and our home visit is next week sometime. So things are really cooking. I wonder how long it will take to find out if we are approved.
Hope everything is going okay for everyone here. I'm sure thinking about all of you!
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Old 06-30-2009, 05:14 AM   #918
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Hi Karen

So glad it will all be worth it-and trust me the reading carries on a pace when the little one arrives to! Parenting the adopted child no matter how young is a wonderful experience, but what is good for Birth children isn't always right for the adopted child. I have just been to battle with my FIL as he feels that I am focussing too much on seeing past experiences as having an impact on current behaviour.

If you want my advice, go with your instincts-it's what my GP told me and it is empowering.

Sharon so glad you found some help
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Old 06-30-2009, 08:07 PM   #919
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Hi Girls!
I have some wonderfully exciting news for you.

I spoke to my Mom about me searching for my birthmother in order for me to answer some medical questions and to help ease some of my pain by getting a few of other unanswered questions answered. I told her I was in no way trying to replace her or was I really considering a relationship as of now.
She said she knew this day would come and she totally supports me. I told her she was a wonderful mother and I was truly blessed to have been given to her. We continued to chat about it all afternoon while my girls were in the pool. She said she thinks I needed to talk to Birthmom so I could try to understand why I was given up.
Im sooo happy I took your advice. I feel like such a weight has been lifted.
Now, my mom has been nothing but helpful this week in my search. I know my last name, the hospital I was born in and the agency that I was adopted through! I also found out that it was my Dad, not my grandfather that was Cherokee!!!! WHOA! That was huge for me.

I am truly blessed and look forward to my search. Im going to call the agency tomorrow and see what I need to do to get my records unsealed.
If I could give any of you advice on one thing to do if you ever had a chance to have communication with the birthfamily of your adopted children is, PLEASE get all the medical history you can get. It is so important. This will come up every single time your child goes to the dr, hospital, everything! You NEED this. This is one of the main things I am headed after. I hope I get some results! I will keep you updated on my search.
Have a nice day tomorrow!
Im off to do some planting in my garden
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Old 07-02-2009, 12:31 PM   #920
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That's so awesome to hear Stephanie!! CONGRATS and good luck with your search. Our adoption is open to the point of us and birthmother knowing each other. She does not want to have contact with the baby after placement. But at least we know WHO she is and where she is. She is working on the medical history right now. She does not wish to write any kind of letter to the baby so I am carefully taking in as much as I possibly can before the birth in hopes to preserve as much as possible for our baby's future. I truly want our baby to know as much about her as possible. I hope to get pictures here and there and her recipe for burritos that she loves so much. Seems trival to some, but it could mean a lot to our baby someday. I plan on incorporating that recipe in family dinners OFTEN and reminding our child that it's their birthmother's favorite. It will be a special thing for them I hope.
I will be anxiously awaiting to hear how your search goes. Your mom sounds incredibly awesome to support you and help in your search. GOOD LUCK and please keep us posted!!
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