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Old 06-21-2008, 11:09 AM   #281
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saw this on a bumper sticker years ago and never forgot it.....

"Why didn't they ask me all these questions when I was a teenager and knew it all?"
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Old 06-21-2008, 02:38 PM   #282
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These are great!
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Old 07-09-2008, 05:15 AM   #283
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Just found this thread. Very funny sayings. Thankyou
tina
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Old 08-13-2008, 10:46 PM   #284
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I tried to go to the link to things you won't find on Hallmark but it gave me an invalid page. Where can I find the Word file with all these on it?

Thanks,
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Old 08-13-2008, 11:00 PM   #285
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Oh my gosh! I was rolling off of my seat laughing while I read these! I think I might use every single one!

Great thread! Perfect for a rough day!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by tillyhead View Post
Here's some "ponderisims" I got today

Ponderisms
>
> I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
> people die of natural causes.
>
>
> Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
> removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out
of the
> ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
>
>
> The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
> a replacement.
>
>
> Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
>
>
> Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
> talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
>
>
> In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
> world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
>
>
> How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
> a whole box to start a campfire?
>
>
> Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
> squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
>
>
> Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm
> gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
>
>
> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
> him?
>
>
> Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
> are going to look up there anyway?
>
>
> Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
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Old 09-29-2008, 04:25 PM   #286
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these are a crack up - subscribing!
Thanks everyone
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Old 09-29-2008, 08:15 PM   #287
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I just found these too, I've got to keep all these! funny,funny,funny
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Old 09-29-2008, 09:27 PM   #288
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SMILE! It makes people wonder what you're up to.
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Old 09-30-2008, 04:35 AM   #289
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These are GREAT.

My "chubby" dad has a T-shirt that says: I fought anorexia and I won!
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Old 12-27-2008, 08:26 PM   #290
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Gotta sub to this! Thank you so much for all the laughs!
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Old 12-27-2008, 09:50 PM   #291
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What a great thread! I love funny/quirky sayings. Here are some I've collected from who knows where:

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Budget: a method for going broke methodically.

If you can’t annoy the post office, there’s no reason for stamping.

I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you got on my nerves.

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Do not look into the laser with remaining eyeball. Thank you.

When the guy at the door said 'Alcohol, tobacco & firearms', I just assumed it was more supplies.

No trees were destroyed in making this card. However, a few bushes were stomped to death to make this envelope.

Sure you can trust the government: ask the Indians.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left

Some people have one of those days, I have one of those lives

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Someday, we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

,"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

,"What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A northern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, a southern zoo has the recipe."

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives.

Smith and Wesson: the original point and click interface.

I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Everywhere is walking distance…if you have the time.

High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.

Paper Clip: the larval stage of coat hangers.

Quantum Leap Express: when it absolutely has to be there in your lifetime.

Never draw fire. It irritates the people around you.

The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.

A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.

God put me on this earth to accomplish certain things. I am so far behind now that I will never die.

Warning: the consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers resulting in you getting your *** kicked.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

Math and alcohol don't mix. So don't drink and derive.

It only takes one beer to get me drunk…usually the 15th.

It takes a lot of talent to get a month behind in one day.

Early bird gets the worm. But second mouse gets the cheese.

Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. ~Author Unknown

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut

I’m sorry I missed your birthday. You’ve had so many, I’ve lost track.

Young at heart: Slightly older in other places.

When I was a kid I could toast marshmallows over my birthday candles. Now I could roast a turkey.

The Best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - H. V. Prochnow

Once you get a mouthful of hot coffee, whatever you do next is going to be wrong.

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

What boots up must come down.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Windows Never Cease.

Our policy is to always blame the computer.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Feel lucky? Update your software

Hardware: the part you kick.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

WINDOWS: Just another pane in the glass.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

My parents made me what I am today. I'm thinking of suing.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said: The whole time.

I hope my ship comes in before my dock rots.

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you! ~Tommy Smothers

The difference between genius & stupidity is, genius has its limits.

You can fool all of the people some of the time, & some of the people all of the time; and that seems to be sufficient.

"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your actions."

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

The only difference between my life and the Titanic is the Titanic had a dance band.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt, and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. -- Rodney Dangerfield

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machine.

The only reason I have a kitchen is that it came with my house

My Aim is to Keep this Bathroom Clean.Your Aim Would Help

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
> -Erma Bombeck-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

There was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. ~Quentin Crisp,

The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything. ~Dave Barry

One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duck tape to make them stop. ~G.M. Weilacher

I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always.

"I still miss my ex- but my aim's getting better!"

"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. "

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Beer: Helping white guys dance since 1862.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. ~Rita Rudner

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

I was cut out to be rich, but I was sewn up wrong.

If I can't have it all, I want more than my share.

Dog is OK. Beware of wife.

Dogs come to their owners. Cats summon their staff.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Help Wanted! Telepath. You know where to apply.

You sound reasonable ... Time to up my medication.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? ~Linda Ellerbee

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-

No truly advanced civilization would include pantyhose.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

Love your hair…. Hope it wins.

"A woman would rather have beauty then brains because a man can see better then he can think."

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

One good thing about egotists… they don't talk about other people.
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Old 12-28-2008, 12:00 AM   #292
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OMG I have laughed until I cried. This is a great thread!
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Old 12-28-2008, 01:15 PM   #293
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I just posted three inside guotes on the heading, The New catalogs are rolling out,if anyone wants to look there. As they were talking about SU having some Sentiments.
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Old 12-29-2008, 02:59 AM   #294
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My husband has had a 'button' collection for years. Here's some I haven't seen here. Please keep in mind, I'm REALLY a NICE person!

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Nice outfit....did a clown die?

I never forget a face - but in your case, I'll make an exception.

I'd give you my honest opinion but you might just mistake it for Tourette's Syndrome.

I see you're playing stupid again...looks like you're winning too.

Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.

Drink coffee. Do stupid things faster and with more energy.

Oh, I heard you. I just don't care.

Don't bother me. I'm having a "No-Life" crisis.

Did the aliens forget to remove your **** probe?

Before therapy I was a raging a***ole. But I'm comfortable with that now.

I'm sorry. My fault. I forgot you were an idiot.

Far, far away, In a time long ago, Things sucked about the same.

Criticism. Just one more service I offer.

Sure you can smoke. Burst into flames for all I care.

Sooner or later everyone stops smoking.

Why don't you slip into something nice, like Unconsciousness.

Your parents must be very close. I'm guessing second cousins.

All I ask for is the chance to prove that money can't buy happiness.

I wanted to HAVE money, not EARN it!

Pick one: When H*ll freezes over. When monkeys fly out my a**.

I'm bad with names. Can I just call you a***ole?

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
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Old 01-07-2009, 08:07 PM   #295
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OMG!! How stupid do I sound?! Sitting in front of my computer, all by myself, in my craft room LMAO!! This thread is wonderful. Now I'll know where to look to find that "just right" sentiment!!! Thanks for sharing ladies!!
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Old 01-13-2009, 08:11 AM   #296
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Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up something in life we could simply press Ctrl Alt Delete and start all over?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?

"I'll make a resolution, that I'll never make another one...Just enjoy this ride on my trip around the sun." --Jimmy Buffet


Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work. - Gallagher

There is so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -Dick Cavett

What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?


You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. - Robin Williams

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.

Words ought to be a little wild for they are the assaults of thought on the unthinking. - John Maynard Keynes

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -jeff foxworthy

“Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been.” ~ jimmy buffett

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself." -unk

I find those who don't believe in naps suspicious (me)

Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos. - Don Kardong

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
Just a few of the ones I have collected.
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Old 01-13-2009, 08:11 AM   #297
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and one of my favorites:

Yes it's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
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Old 01-13-2009, 09:24 AM   #298
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Great Thread! I'm not all the way through it yet.
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Old 01-23-2009, 10:16 PM   #299
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Came across this great thread from cricutcutters. Signed up so I could add:

I am not young enough to know everything.

***

It starts when you sink in his arms.

It ends with your arms in his sink.

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Old 01-24-2009, 03:22 AM   #300
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These are adorable.
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Old 01-26-2009, 07:36 AM   #301
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Here's my 2 cents worth. Actually I have taken it as my philosophy in life.

"Llife should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather a skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, coke in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WHOO HOO" what a ride!" Have no idea where I saw it, but have it taped to my computer to remind me not to take life too seriously.
sam
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Old 01-27-2009, 10:27 AM   #302
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This thread is too funny! I am subscribing so I can go back and read all of the pages (only made it through the first two). I bought a stamp for my husband that matches a t-shirt he has: Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. I also saw one at a stamping convention that I wish I had bought, it said "What the h*ll WERE you thinking?"
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Old 01-27-2009, 01:29 PM   #303
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Just want to subscribe to this so when I'm having a bad day (at least once a week) I can read this and be better. Thanks to all of you!
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Old 01-27-2009, 02:27 PM   #304
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Default How to turn silver into gold

I bought a stamp for my husband that matches a t-shirt he has: Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

I HAVE this shirt! I always think it should have that slogan on the back, with the front saying, "How to turn silver into gold" with a pic of someone with duct tape on their mouth!
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Old 01-27-2009, 02:35 PM   #305
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It has been funny reading these. You guys are great! Keep the humor coming.
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Old 03-10-2009, 05:47 PM   #306
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These are great. Want to start making more cards just to use some of the sayings.
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Old 03-10-2009, 07:38 PM   #307
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A true friend is someone who knows everything about you and likes you anyway!
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Old 03-15-2009, 04:39 PM   #308
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Here's one I like. Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning Satan shudders and says "Oh s**t, she's awake"
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Old 03-16-2009, 07:20 AM   #309
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stomper View Post
Here's one I like. Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning Satan shudders and says "Oh s**t, she's awake"
I completely, totally, love this one! I'm sending it to all my religious friends!
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Old 03-16-2009, 08:41 AM   #310
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AMEN TO THAT!!!!



Quote:
Originally Posted by allensm View Post
Here's my 2 cents worth. Actually I have taken it as my philosophy in life.

"Llife should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather a skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, coke in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WHOO HOO" what a ride!" Have no idea where I saw it, but have it taped to my computer to remind me not to take life too seriously.
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Old 05-15-2009, 09:27 PM   #311
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Ok, I finally have some quotes to post.

Strangers have the best candy.
I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want.
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Boldly Going Nowhere
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation
Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.

Here are some bumper sticker quotes too:

Moooooove, I'm trying to speed!
If this sticker is getting smaller, the light is probably green.
Are you following Jesus this close?
CAUTION! I drive like you do!
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes.

Sorry if some of these are a little cheeky.
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Old 05-15-2009, 10:05 PM   #312
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Don't be sorry, those were funny.
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Old 05-16-2009, 01:40 PM   #313
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Love these. Will add them to my list ...
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Old 05-16-2009, 07:15 PM   #314
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this thread is just what I needed - thanks!!!
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Old 05-16-2009, 08:14 PM   #315
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One of my favorites is

"You can agree with me or you can be wrong."

I guess that gives some insight into my bossy personality!
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Old 05-16-2009, 08:22 PM   #316
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subbing... these are great
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Old 05-16-2009, 08:47 PM   #317
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I made a card using one of the funny sayings I found in this thread. (I can't remember which post). I will link it here once I upload it.
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Old 05-19-2009, 06:48 AM   #318
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Ok, here is the card I made:

MSB New Release

I don't remember which post I found the saying in, but I thought it was too funny!
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Old 05-29-2009, 09:58 AM   #319
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I need to come back and read through this thread, the ones I've read are hilarious!

I started a swap with JUST WORDS, if you are interested in joining check out this link

http:////www.splitcoaststampers.com/...d.php?t=439608
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Old 05-30-2009, 06:51 PM   #320
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I am ROTFLMBO!

There are so many favorites!

Just wondering - I saw the word document on page 1. Have the rest of these gems been added to it?
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