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jthoman 10-11-2005 10:49 AM

When do you have a baby shower...
My husbands cousin is expecting his first child with his wife. I am bitter for three reasons.
1. Cousin is my ex-boyfriend (who I can tolerate to his face but really can't stand anymore)
2. Cousin's mother is a miserable ****** who has never worked, doesn't shower and doesn't clean her house, but is neighbor to our business (we live across the road) and she spreads lies about us to neighbors.
3. My husband and I have been TTC for over two years. So I am a little bitter when others get pregnant and I still have not. Working on the fourth group of pregnant women around me in my life since we started trying.

I am just sick of the whole thing. Cousin and wife started telling everyone that they were expecting as soon as she peed on a stick. Didn't wait till Doctor confirmed or till she was 12 weeks.

Now, just received baby shower invite today, to be held on November 13 when baby is not due until February 8.

Also, to make a long story short, Cousin's mother invited my husbands friends to the baby shower. They have only ever seen the wife at a week-long fair we go to every summer. Do not really talk to her and only saw her one other time at an anniversary party I hosted for my in-laws. Do you think that's right to invite people who hardly know the MTB.

Answer these questions for me, please.
Should I go to the shower? Would you if you were me?
Is this shower way to early or do other people have showers this long before the baby is due?

Kymbers_Stampin 10-11-2005 10:53 AM

1. What's TCC?

2. Yes, November is too soon to have a baby shower. Sounds like someone's trying to make sure they get a share of everyone's Christmas bonus.

jthoman 10-11-2005 10:56 AM

I meant TTC (trying to conceive)

Kymbers_Stampin 10-11-2005 11:06 AM


Originally Posted by jthoman
I meant TTC (trying to conceive)

I wouldn't have known TTC either. :)

scrapmo 10-11-2005 11:12 AM

6-8 wks before is rule of thumb, but that puts it right at x-mas. maybe they are going pre- t-day to avoid the holidays all together.

you know there are always going to be people in your life (family relations..) that are going to rub you the wrong way. I don't believe you can really change anyone, so it is really best to do what you need to do to get along, and if that is avoiding them all together, then you better move ;-) Otherwise you just need to grin and bear(sp) it. If you get in a fight, people are going to see a fight. If you hold your head up, keep an emotional distance and do what you gotta do, people will admire your grace. If they are really mean and vendictive vs. just plain rude and clueless, you may need to cut them out of your life.

I once took a corporate training class on negotiation and conflict management that had a lesson that really stuck with me. The instructor said if you don't want to get in a fight - don't pick up the rope - it takes two people to play tug of war. no matter how many times the class went at him with horrible stupid mean people we had run into, he just kept repeating the same thing - don't pick up the rope. Now if someone's life is at stake or a crime is being committed that is differnt story. It is hard to do, but there are some people you just can't argue with, so 'don't pick up the rope' is a mantra I use from time to time.

good luck with everything, my fingers are crossed for you to join the morning sickness thread I was on earlier!!!!!!!!

MelenaPrincess 10-11-2005 11:17 AM

Well, as far as the date goes, my Shower is on Nov 12 and my due date is Feb 5. However, there are a few reasons why my neighbors decided to have it so early.
1) With the Holidays coming up, it was difficult to find a date when they could get together without someone having something scheduled.
2) I am having twins which are bound to come early, so they scheduled the shower early
3) They felt that January they would all be broke from Christmas
4) They are all Very Excited and can't wait to go shopping. It is at the point where they are on the verge of harrassment because I have not registered yet. So I bit the bullet and registered today.

As far as not really knowing the person, I think that is an individual call. I know I have sent shower gifts for coworkers of my DH. I knew someone else who was attending the shower, I had only met the woman once or twice, but I had met her husband a few more times than that, and I know that the men were fairly close, so I WANTED to send something.

The reality is...I don't get the whole shower thing anyway. My family gets together with just my mom, sisters and sil's and the 8 of us have dinner and do a small shower that way, but we don't invite other people and such. My mother always taught me to take a gift the first time I saw a new baby instead. That way, heaven forbid, should something happen the family does not have all kinds of baby stuff in the house with no baby. I'm not sure if this was a Polish tradition or if it was just because her own mother and younger brother died due to complications in childbirth. Either way, I like that philosophy better.

Sorry so long.

LeahsCreations 10-11-2005 11:23 AM

It's early, but because of the holidays I wouldn't make a big stink about that. As for your hubby's friends being invited - they are adults and can choose whether or not they know or care enough to attend or buy a gift - not for you to worry.

Now, as for you, I'm sorry you're having a difficult time conceiving. If it hurts too much to go, just send a nice card or gift (closer to the due date, if you prefer) and don't worry about the shower. The only think you can control in this situation is your reaction. If you are bitter, you are only making yourself miserable, not them. So, find something, anything, to be happy about and focus on that.

I hope you conceive soon and have a wonderful baby; but not due too soon after major holidays. ;)

jthoman 10-11-2005 12:01 PM

I also didn't explain...
that one of the friends who barely knows the MTB was due with her first child february a few years ago. Her mom was going to send out the invites in february for a shower in january, but she lost the baby in November. She has since had two healthy and beautiful children. The oldest will be starting school next year.

As for dealing with my husbands family. I have up to this point just bit my tongue and dealt with them. But all of my close friends have surely heard my anger towards them. I think you have talked me into attending the shower even though I really don't want to. I think my gift will be scrapbook pages and some handmade embellishments. I already have all the stuff, so why not.

Things may be starting to turn around for my hoping as well. I had very irregular menses for most of the two years, ever since I graduated from college. (very stressful time) I saw several different doctors. All tests were taken and came back fine. I just was not ovulating. I took one month of BC and I am now in the middle of my 4th regular cycle in a row. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but don't want to hope or try too hard, because everyone keeps telling me if you try to hard, that's when you can't. I have two acquantainces that had similar problems and the one just recently had her second child and the other is due in December. Maybe hubby and I just weren't ready and when the time comes we might be more prepared. Anyway, I have a wonderful dog who has helped me through the whole time!

jthoman 10-11-2005 12:02 PM

Oh yeah!
Congratulations MelenaPrincess on Twins! That's got to be so exciting. With all the trouble we've had conceiving, I joke I'd rather have two at one time and then I am done.

Disneywed 10-11-2005 12:35 PM

If you think you'll be a miserable crank, stay home send a lil gift. If you can find at least ONE person to sit next to and commiserate about how fat the mtb got, go. :) ( that is what I'd do, but I am a mean one)

Now.....about the TTC thing....you gotta just get past it, people are gonna keep getting pg before you, it is just gonna happen. I was on shots and in my upteenth round of meds and iuis while planning my sister's shower for the first grandbaby in all the families. Pure Hell, but I got through it, only to find myself pregnant when my niece was 3 months old. :)

Good Luck either way. :)

Illinois Marge 10-11-2005 06:38 PM

May I be totally frank? It sounds, just from reading your post and not knowing you in any other way, like you are really resentful. I think, no matter how hard you try, that anger and bitterness will show through. I think you should not go because this is their joyful time, they do not need a damper on their shower. I mean, who cares if the shower is held in November or December? They were just probably trying to avoid the business of the holidays. I don't think you would even be making an issue of the date exzcept that you dislike the people and are hurt and sad for your own efforts at getting pregnant.

Why don't you graciously send a gift and your best wishes instead of attending? It might be easier for you and them, too. Your emotions can be raw if you are upset and discouraged over your efforts to conceive.

skittlebrow 10-12-2005 12:39 AM

you asked for opinions so here it is: I agree with Illinois Marge. don't go. I'm sorry you are having a hard time conceiving. it must surely be painful for you to witness others' happiness so you'd probably do yourself and everyone else a favor if you didn't add a stressful shower to your worries. if you don't like the expectant father (your ex), look down on the grandmother-to-be and are jealous of the expectant mother, why would you consider going? if your DH must go since they are his relatives, send him with your scrapbook pages and go get a relaxing massage or something. since it sounds as if there's no love lost among you, they probably only invited you and your DH because you are related anyway.

Softangelkisses 10-12-2005 04:18 AM

I agree with Skittlebrow and Illinoise Marge... you sound pretty bitter.

Which, if that is the case, you definately do not need to go rain on her parade, 'cause what if you were in her shoes and someone felt that way about you.

As for the fact that she told as soon as she found out and didn't wait 12 weeks, who said you have wait 12 weeks┐ Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be all down on you, but I was pregnant and told people when I found out, I did loose my baby, but I sure don't think that I lost it because I told people too early.

My husband and I are having trouble having a baby, too and I know that it is hard to not feel the way you do, but you just have to trust in God that everything will happen in HIS time.

scrapmo 10-12-2005 05:49 AM

my SIL was having trouble getting pregnant due to irregular periods - she went to see a chiropractor and after a few months was pregnant and now has a beautiful baby girl. It may or may not help, but it can't hurt.

As for relaxing so you will get pregnant - IMPOSSIBLE!!!! My first one came no problem, my second took over a year, not long, but was I miserable every month when my period showed up. It was the month that I decided to give up trying and be thankful for the one I had that I finally got pregnant. Pursue all avenues, you may even want to consider adoption, I know more than one person with that got pregnant after their adoption was approved! Instant family!

jthoman 11-05-2005 04:48 AM

Well, the baby shower is one week from tomorrow...
I have RSVP'd that I will attend. I have since found out that the Grandma to be has invited everyone and their brother who has pretty much ever come in contact with their family. She's invited a lot of people who have never even met the mother to be or even knew she was pregnant. The kicker is that one planning the shower called me the other night to get my friends phone number (they don't have one at the moment because they are moving). My friends wife did not receive an invitation in the mail, but now she was calling to invite only a week before the shower, says there aren't too many people coming. Well, I know of at least 10 that are coming. It's all my friends that don't even know them so well! Isn't it tacky to invite people a week before the thing who didn't even get an invite in the mail!?!

jthoman 01-23-2006 01:50 PM

I just thought I'd post an update to the thread...
I went to the shower and it was a waste of my time. The Grandma to be had everyone come at 1 PM, but didn't have the MTB come until 2 PM. So we sat aroudn for an hour with nothing much to do. Then the MTB came in (she was barely even showing), went to the restroom, called a few people, ate and we had to sit and wait more because we ate in the hour while we waited. Till they were ready to open gifts and do the cake, several people, including myself, had to leave because we had other things scheduled and didn't believe we'd be there all day. And to make things worse, I was on crutches for the shower because I broke my toe and sprained my foot a week earlier.

The MTB's mother is very nice and she introduced herself to everyone and she was confused when people explained how they new the MTB. She commented that the other grandma had really invited "everyone".

Well anyway, the baby was born on January 13 (friday the 13th). The grandparents who threw the shower, haven't even seen the baby yet and it's a week and a half old. He was even at home for a week, then he went back to the hospital this weekend because he is jaundice. These are the grandparents that live closest to the baby and they haven't even seen it yet. No one on my husbands side of the family has seen the baby yet. We have not spoken to the parents of the new baby, and have not been invited to see it or anything, so I'm just staying away.

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