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Old 09-25-2007, 12:25 PM   #1
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Default Is it OK to NEVER fight?

DH and I NEVER fight. We may have some disagreements, but we talk about it. We have NEVER raised our voices at each other. I can't say we have always been perfectly happy with one another about everything, mostly we get along just fine.

I read somewhere that it isn't healthy in a relationship to never fight? Do you think that is true?

We were talking about fighting at my MOPS/bible study today, and I wanted to ask the facilitator (she has a degree in Christian counseling) what she thought, but I never got the chance.

Penny

ETA: Currently, we get a lot of time for discussion. We walk 2.5 - 3 miles each night (pushing a double jog stroller with both of the boys), so we get to discuss a lot of things then. I think this contributes to our lack of fighting. I also wanted to add that we're approaching our 8th anniversary.

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Old 09-25-2007, 12:38 PM   #2
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Well, your relationship is obviously working, so it must be healthy for YOU. I wouldn't worry about what other people - even a therapist - say about it. My DH and I are on the opposite end of the spectrum, and nothing ever happens without fighting. It really bites! I'd take "your way" over this ANY day.
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Old 09-25-2007, 12:40 PM   #3
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Sounds like a dream relationship to me!
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Old 09-25-2007, 01:08 PM   #4
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It sounds like it is working for you, and I wouldn't worry about it.
Fighting sometimes =healthy ( though not fun)
fighting ALL the time = not healthy...

I think in your case you and hubby talk about things when you have a disagreement and it makes a difference.... I also would almost call these disagreements your fights... if that makes sense... just without the yelling and screaming that usually come with fights.
You two have a strong communication base, which is something that not everyone has in their relationship.
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Old 09-25-2007, 01:16 PM   #5
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Never disagreeing is what's not healthy. Never fighting means you two communicate well to get past your disagreements. So long as the outcome of your disagreements is well-balanced (not the same person "winning" all the time), you're fine!
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Old 09-25-2007, 01:17 PM   #6
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Smile same here...

DH and I never have yelling fights either. We've just celebrated 9 years. We go on dates A LOT, like if it's been 2 weeks since our last date (which is usually just dinner out and maybe a trip to the store w/o any kids).. we notice we start getting to where we nit-pic each other. The only time we've had a "raise our voices" kind of fight was once... when we were approaching the first year anniversary of his brother's unexpected death (he was only 29)... and I know in my heart that DH was just really not dealing well with that loss. Not long after that, he started grief counselling and we've been back to our normal "discussions". God love him... we do not like to feel angry with each other. It stresses us out too much!

So, bottom line is, that I think whatever works for ya'll, works, and go with that. Sounds perfectly healthy to me.
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Old 09-25-2007, 01:18 PM   #7
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I am glad that everyone seems to think that it's OK, and no one seems to think I'm actually complaining about it. I'm definitely NOT complaining - just wondering if I'm meandering on a path to disaster. Because if we were - we'd surely come up with something to fight about - LOL!

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Old 09-25-2007, 01:38 PM   #8
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I agree with the others that as long as your communicating it sounds fine! My DH and I rarely fight, mainly because he will just agree with me or has no opinion about the topic one way or another - which of course just irritates me more!
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Old 09-25-2007, 02:27 PM   #9
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Ummmm.... I think a lot depends on your personality and intensity level.

Some people just are passive, easy-going, mellow and non-confrontational.
It sounds like both of you are more the talk-it-out, don't ruffle your feathers kind of people - so you mesh well.
Not unhealthy - just different.

I know some couples who are very intense and passionate about everything - talking, loving, working - their "talking it out" would be on a much more intense level or even a yelling screaming level - but they are very happy together and probably have great make up sex...HA

My husband rarely raises his voice, he is very non-confrontational with people. I'm extremely open about how I'm feeling - I'm fairly laid back, but I certainly voice my feelings.
Very different intensity levels, but we mesh well, compliment eachother - have been married 16 years.


I don't think there is any one combination that is "better" - it's whatever makes you happy.
If you're happy I wouldn't worry about what anyone else says.
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Old 09-25-2007, 02:38 PM   #10
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My DH and I don't 'fight' either. We disagree a fair bit, but we have yet to yell at each other or even raise our voices to each other. We talk things out and work hard at coming to compromises.

We've been married 13 1/2 years. Working so far
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Old 09-25-2007, 02:45 PM   #11
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My husband and I are the same way, we never fight. Sometimes he likes to act like he is mad about something and he gets me going talking about it and then he just laughs- Makes me so mad! LOL
We have been married for 17 years!
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Old 09-25-2007, 04:15 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cobrielle View Post
My DH and I don't 'fight' either. We disagree a fair bit, but we have yet to yell at each other or even raise our voices to each other. We talk things out and work hard at coming to compromises.

We've been married 13 1/2 years. Working so far
Same here.

We have never yelled or screamed at each other. EVER.

Sure, we disagree and I certainly get mad at him (and vice versa), but I don't ever scream at him, and he sure knows better than to scream at me.

We just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary and we're still happy, so we must be doing something right.
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Old 09-25-2007, 04:16 PM   #13
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Ooops, Penny...I guess I forgot to answer your question! LOL

If you are happy with the way your marriage is going and your DH is happy, then I see no problem.

It sounds like you talk about things *before* they can become problems and that's great.
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Old 09-25-2007, 04:47 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by pblair38 View Post
DH and I NEVER fight. We may have some disagreements, but we talk about it. We have NEVER raised our voices at each other. I can't say we have always been perfectly happy with one another about everything, mostly we get along just fine.

I read somewhere that it isn't healthy in a relationship to never fight? Do you think that is true?

We were talking about fighting at my MOPS/bible study today, and I wanted to ask the facilitator (she has a degree in Christian counseling) what she thought, but I never got the chance.

Penny

ETA: Currently, we get a lot of time for discussion. We walk 2.5 - 3 miles each night (pushing a double jog stroller with both of the boys), so we get to discuss a lot of things then. I think this contributes to our lack of fighting. I also wanted to add that we're approaching our 8th anniversary.
that's the way it should be....talking and not raising your voice is productive and it allows you and your DH to not feel attacked! Good for ya'll!!!!!!
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Old 09-25-2007, 05:52 PM   #15
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If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

It sounds like you and your DH have a healthy relationship. You are also setting a great example for your kids--that they can discuss things with people to resolve their differences instead of yelling or hitting.

My own personal DH and I do not yell at each other. When a discussion escalates to the point that one or the other of us raises our voice, we know it's time to step back and cool off and resume our discussion later. Neither of us responds well to being yelled at--I tend to get very defensive and he shuts down.

I think what you guys have is great, and I don't think it's weird.
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Old 09-26-2007, 05:43 AM   #16
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If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

It sounds like you and your DH have a healthy relationship. You are also setting a great example for your kids--that they can discuss things with people to resolve their differences instead of yelling or hitting.

My own personal DH and I do not yell at each other. When a discussion escalates to the point that one or the other of us raises our voice, we know it's time to step back and cool off and resume our discussion later. Neither of us responds well to being yelled at--I tend to get very defensive and he shuts down.

I think what you guys have is great, and I don't think it's weird.
Yup, same here. This is why we don't yell. When we get upset we take time to calm down, and THEN we talk about it. It really helps us cause then the emotions aren't so raw and close to the surface when we are talking so it's easier to keep things from escalating to a bad place.
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Old 09-26-2007, 05:52 AM   #17
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I think the idea that not fighting is not healthy is more that not ever disagreeing is not healthy.

If you followed your dh around all the time saying "yes dear, whatever you say dear"...THAT would be not healthy, and I think that's where the idea of not fighting being unhealthy came about.

No two people are the same, they have their own opinions, ideas, wants, etc. If you discuss things freely, you don't have to fight about it to be happy (and not meandering towards disaster).
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Old 09-26-2007, 07:46 AM   #18
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Smile I agree!

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Originally Posted by bessie126 View Post
I think the idea that not fighting is not healthy is more that not ever disagreeing is not healthy.

If you followed your dh around all the time saying "yes dear, whatever you say dear"...THAT would be not healthy, and I think that's where the idea of not fighting being unhealthy came about.

No two people are the same, they have their own opinions, ideas, wants, etc. If you discuss things freely, you don't have to fight about it to be happy (and not meandering towards disaster).
Glad you posted this b/e it pretty much took the words out of my mouth. I can tell you this, any doubts like this are just from the devil trying to steal your JOY! Don't let him do that and steal your peace of a wonderful relationship God has blessed you with. Fighting is not good and anyone who says that if you don't "fight" you are in an unhealthy relationship obviously has some serious lack of faith and understanding for what God has intended for us in Marriage.

A great resource for married couples is anything by Jimmy Evans. He has his own marriage show on the Christian networks and has been a regular guest preacher at my home church in Southlake TX. You can check out the sermons at http://www.gatewaypeople.com/resourc...action=sermons

Back in June they had a whole marriage series called State of the Union and even had Republican Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee. (side note - check HIM OUT and where he stands on all the issues he is running under his platform at www.mikehuckabee.com)

Have you tried just praying about it? Maybe if it is not just an attack from the devil but it could be that God is trying to key you in to something He wants to help improve for both of you to have an even MORE wonderful relationship... just a thought. Any negative, doubtful or pressure type of feelings are from the devil as he attacks you. Any conviction of the heart or guiding and leading is from God and you will KNOW b/e it is supported by the Word in the Bible. ("The Invisible War" by Chip Ingram is an EXCELLENT book on the ways the devil tries to deceive us and attacks our spirtual walk with the Lord).

Hope this helps a bit...

Hugs from Germany.
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Old 09-26-2007, 08:24 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bessie126 View Post
I think the idea that not fighting is not healthy is more that not ever disagreeing is not healthy.

If you followed your dh around all the time saying "yes dear, whatever you say dear"...THAT would be not healthy, and I think that's where the idea of not fighting being unhealthy came about.

No two people are the same, they have their own opinions, ideas, wants, etc. If you discuss things freely, you don't have to fight about it to be happy (and not meandering towards disaster).
I too agree with this. It isn't the "fighting" that is healthy, it is voicing your own opinion and not getting pushed aside all the time.

To me, disagreeing and fighting are along the same lines. It is just how you do it and the outcome that are the most important. When you argue/disagree/fight, you should not be mean to each other. No name calling. No putting each other down. No one has to be "right". But you should air your differences. It is fine to compromise as long as there is a balance as to who is doing the compromising. One person should not give in every time. If you are not stating your opinions or being heard, then you are not an equal in the relationship. This goes for all relationships, not just marriage. If you don't disagree once in a while, then you are being pushed over all the time.
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Old 09-26-2007, 11:21 AM   #20
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I agree with those above. You disagree and work it out, what could be more healthy than that? If you discuss all of your concerns with each other and aren't holding anything back, then you're probably happier than most couples too.

I can say that we're going on 6 years of marriage and dh and I have "fought" (raised our voices) twice. We disagree frequently (once every week or two) but we're mainly able to discuss it in a calm way. Both times we "fought" I was pregnant when I tend to be a little more volatile. Afterward, the shouter (once me, once him) apologized for being nasty and we moved on, having resolved the situation as usual once the tension died down.

You sound normal to me.
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Old 09-27-2007, 07:15 AM   #21
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My husband and I just celebrated 20 years together (last week, actually), and we don't fight. I have joked it's because we are just too tired, but we really have come to the place in our marriage where I know he values my opinion and I value his. We basically agree on the major things and have learned that the minor stuff is just that, minor, so who cares. We are both basically laid back people (I am sanguine, he is phlegmatic) and I think we both figure it isn't worth messing up "now" with fighting about stuff that doesn't really matter anyway.

All that to answer your question. Fighting is not the only sign of a healthy relationship. I don't think you are on a path to disaster, if you are, do ya want to stop for coffee, because I am right with you.

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Old 09-27-2007, 03:47 PM   #22
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We don't fight either... and I don't see why not fighting is a problem. We just work stuff out...
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Old 09-27-2007, 08:37 PM   #23
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This will sound crazy but...I find that when me and my dh don't fight and everything seems hunkydory (SP) that I look for something to fight about just because. I don't know why but to me it is fun to spice things up every once in a while. Sometimes we yell but not usually...one thing that we always do is afterward sit down and talk...sometimes we just agree to disagree. But I have to tell you we honestly have fun bantering with each other back and forth...sometimes it is just fun. Then we have fun making up!! LOL. I don't know we have been married for 9 years now and that is what works for us. Sometimes we can get so mad at eachother that right in the middle of a fight we start laughing because it is just so funny. It just seems to work for us.
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Old 10-04-2007, 11:59 AM   #24
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I say it's healthy not to fight, because my DH and I don't. When you see/hear how others behave, it does make you question if you are "normal". We are happy, and our DH is a very happy 7 year old -- who is learning from us that you don't need to scream and yell.
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Old 10-05-2007, 07:05 AM   #25
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Me and mine do not fight.

But I have known couples that ride each other so hard. (OK you may or may not understand this statement, interpret as you wish ) I wonder how they stay in a relationship. Nag, nag, ***** and gripe, do this, do that. I would drive me to drink.
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Old 10-05-2007, 07:07 AM   #26
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just found out you can't type certain words.

I cuss like a sailor and it is sometimes hard for me to get my point across otherwise. I am trying.
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Old 10-05-2007, 08:57 AM   #27
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I say it's healthy not to fight, because my DH and I don't. When you see/hear how others behave, it does make you question if you are "normal". We are happy, and our DH is a very happy 7 year old -- who is learning from us that you don't need to scream and yell.
I do see how others behave, and I guess I do sometimes wonder if we're "normal". My best friend since Kindergarten is a real nag - I'm sorry to say it, but she is!! (Her DH has his faults as well, but I think nagging is very disrespectful.)

And my newer friend here in the neighborhood - well, she's not as bad as my old friend, but she does say things to her DH that I think are better said when they're alone, if said at all. Not horrid things - just things about something that he either didn't do, or did wrong or whatever, that she should have waited and mentioned to him in private, where he wouldn't be embarrassed.

I've had a few phone conversations where I will mention something that DH did and say what I *wanted* to say, and they will tell me "That's the difference between you and me - you would only *think* of saying that - I'd actually say it!" Yeah...well, that definitely is a difference between the two of us.

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Old 10-05-2007, 12:32 PM   #28
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My husband and I are the same way, we never fight. Sometimes he likes to act like he is mad about something and he gets me going talking about it and then he just laughs- Makes me so mad! LOL
We have been married for 17 years!
HA! My BF does the exact same thing all the time! It sure gets extremely annoying at times! Gotta love him for it though!
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Old 10-07-2007, 12:24 PM   #29
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My parents have been married 52 years and I have NEVER heard them raise their voices to one another. They still hold hands when taking a car trip and they do everything together. My DH thinks they are freaks of nature -- LOL but I'm glad I grew up in such an environment. Consider yourself lucky -- there is WAY too much disfunction in the world. Congrats!
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