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Old 08-15-2007, 09:58 PM   #1
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Default And for my next off the wall question: S e x before marriage!

This thought crossed my mind the other night when our next door neighbor's 20 year old dd's boyfriend walked out of their house late at night (I was going to pick up my dd). All kinds of thoughts went through my head, but the one that I thought about & wondered if you have thoughts on is this:

Other than religious/spiritual reasons and/or health reasons (contract diseases, pregnancy, etc.), are there other reasons people wait until marriage for s-e-x? Not sure if that word gets bleeped or not. After I became a Christian, I became convicted/convinced that the Bible teaches us to wait for marriage, but obviously, if you aren't following the Bible, or your religion doesn't teach this, that would not be a reason. So, that leaves health reasons, but many would say you can have "safe sex" with c*nd*ms. Besides that, I wonder if there are other reasons.

I'm sure I'll have some other totally random question to ask before the week is over! Putting this in family because I'm thinking in relation to my kids, I guess & other people with their own kids.
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Old 08-15-2007, 10:40 PM   #2
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You mean there are actually people who still wait for marriage?? I can honestly say I"ve never met anyone who did....
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:46 AM   #3
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I can think of more reasons NOT to wait, than more reasons to wait. Of course, maybe that's because I didn't wait, and I'm not a religious/spiritual person.
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:13 AM   #4
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Both my hubby and I waited for marriage. There are more people than you think who do. It's hollywood that glamourizes it and makes it seem like a necessary thing. I think sex is a very sacred and wonderful thing that should only be shared between husband and wife. I think the specialness of it gets cheapened when it's shared with whoever. Why not save the most precious gift for the person you want to be with forever?
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:21 AM   #5
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Both my hubby and I waited for marriage. There are more people than you think who do. It's hollywood that glamourizes it and makes it seem like a necessary thing. I think sex is a very sacred and wonderful thing that should only be shared between husband and wife. I think the specialness of it gets cheapened when it's shared with whoever. Why not save the most precious gift for the person you want to be with forever?
*nods head in agreement!*
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:34 AM   #6
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I was thinking along the lines of what was said above "Saving it for that special someone?? To me another reason but I don't know how many people think about it I think being mature and ready would be another reason for some??? I was a bad girl I guess because I didn't save myself for marriage...but my husband is the person I lost it to so all and all it worked out great. I honestly have to say though I know back then I wish I would have waited because I don't honestly think I was mature enough yet to take that step. Granted everything worked out great my husband and I got married 2 years later...I just no that I did it for the wrong reasons.
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:48 AM   #7
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My husband and I both waited until our wedding night!

I am so thankful that neither of us can compare the other to someone else. Makes me less self-conscience (well - for the first time anyway - now I'm not at all)
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:48 AM   #8
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Both my hubby and I waited for marriage. There are more people than you think who do. It's hollywood that glamourizes it and makes it seem like a necessary thing. I think sex is a very sacred and wonderful thing that should only be shared between husband and wife. I think the specialness of it gets cheapened when it's shared with whoever. Why not save the most precious gift for the person you want to be with forever?
Absolutely! So glad that neither my hubby nor I had any "baggage" in this area - which I think would be particularly rough on women. Sex is such an emotional thing, although our society has done so much to cheapen it and just make it about physical pleasure.
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:57 AM   #9
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You mean there are actually people who still wait for marriage?? I can honestly say I"ve never met anyone who did....
I was thinking the same thing. I didn't wait, but I didn't sleep every guy I dated either, and it was still special with somenone I trusted deeply.
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:53 AM   #10
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This thought crossed my mind the other night when our next door neighbor's 20 year old dd's boyfriend walked out of their house late at night (I was going to pick up my dd). All kinds of thoughts went through my head, but the one that I thought about & wondered if you have thoughts on is this:

Other than religious/spiritual reasons and/or health reasons (contract diseases, pregnancy, etc.), are there other reasons people wait until marriage for s-e-x? Not sure if that word gets bleeped or not. After I became a Christian, I became convicted/convinced that the Bible teaches us to wait for marriage, but obviously, if you aren't following the Bible, or your religion doesn't teach this, that would not be a reason. So, that leaves health reasons, but many would say you can have "safe sex" with c*nd*ms. Besides that, I wonder if there are other reasons.

I'm sure I'll have some other totally random question to ask before the week is over! Putting this in family because I'm thinking in relation to my kids, I guess & other people with their own kids.

Lori I know you know this, but I just wanted to point out the obvious ~ just b/c he was leaving their house late at night doesn't mean they were/are having sex.
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:58 AM   #11
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I've noticed that no one has come up with a non-religious reason to wait until marriage. Interesting..... Maybe it's only for religious or possibly health reasons that some people choose to wait.

I don't consider my body or the act of sex cheapened or dirty because I didn't wait. Since I don't prescribe to christianity, I have no moral reasons to abstain. I'm glad that I've had the sexual experiences that I have had and I have had very lovely, emotional, deep sex play with a few different men.

Personally, I wouldn't even want my daughter to wait until marriage before having sex. Sex is a buffet and I believe you should try several things before you load your plate up with just one dish!
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Old 08-16-2007, 05:46 AM   #12
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I did not wait but I was 20. And I ended up married to him 4 years later though neither of us were thinking of that at the time. At some point it just seems redundant to hang on to some myth of perfection that may never come. With most of society waiting longer to get married it would be just downright scary to think of all the 30 somethings.... I do not believe in waiting for marriage. I hope my girls wait long enough to make choices from a place of maturity and that they include a genuine emotion. I would not recommend waiting as I will be encouraging cohabitation. Something I also did with no regrets. For practical reasons not religious.
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Old 08-16-2007, 05:46 AM   #13
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I've noticed that no one has come up with a non-religious reason to wait until marriage. Interesting..... Maybe it's only for religious or possibly health reasons that some people choose to wait.

I don't consider my body or the act of sex cheapened or dirty because I didn't wait. Since I don't prescribe to christianity, I have no moral reasons to abstain. I'm glad that I've had the sexual experiences that I have had and I have had very lovely, emotional, deep sex play with a few different men.

Personally, I wouldn't even want my daughter to wait until marriage before having sex. Sex is a buffet and I believe you should try several things before you load your plate up with just one dish!

A sexual buffet! There should have been a warning on this thread for those just waking up!! ROFL!!!

I'm not religious... so that never impacted my decisions or put any weight on the classification of the act itself.
Health issues would be my biggest concern, but I never was taught or saw sex as dirty or that it cheapens anyone if it is consensual, monogamous adults participating.
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Old 08-16-2007, 05:48 AM   #14
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I am glad I did have the opportunity to have a few relationships first. Honestly if I waited until marriage I might have been very disappointed with a few people that I was involved with. I can't imagine being "stuck" with that for the rest of my life!
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Old 08-16-2007, 06:05 AM   #15
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Lori I know you know this, but I just wanted to point out the obvious ~ just b/c he was leaving their house late at night doesn't mean they were/are having sex.
I know & even as I saw him I thought, "You can't judge a book by it's cover!" I think it's b/c I watched this girl grow up from the time she was 12 & somehow feel all mother bear-ish towards her! Silly, I know! I always look at the boys she's brought home & think they aren't good enough for her! LOL! Yeah, it's crazy! Like I said some kind of mother bear instinct!
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Old 08-16-2007, 06:05 AM   #16
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My husband and I both waited until our wedding night!

I am so thankful that neither of us can compare the other to someone else. Makes me less self-conscience (well - for the first time anyway - now I'm not at all)
Thanks---this is a non-religious reason I hadn't thought of.
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Old 08-16-2007, 06:07 AM   #17
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It's so interesting reading your answers! I guess for the most part that other than health, it's usually a religious reason.
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Old 08-16-2007, 06:47 AM   #18
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And if we're talking about our kids, how do we really drill it in to their heads to wait? I mean, we can talk and talk and hope that they'll get it, but I wish there was a way to really break through.

I didn't wait til I was married, but I did end up marrying the man I was first with (since we were 16 even!!! ) There is so much temptation out there and S E X is being so widely accepted. It is seen EVERYWHERE. I can only hope that we have brought up our kids to know the real meaning!

I will tell my girls that they should wait, and explain why. But I also hope that they come to me so that we can have an open relationship!
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Old 08-16-2007, 07:00 AM   #19
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I tried on a few shoes before i found one that fit..lol..most were special..but not as special as the one i married..now 42 years with my hubby..
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Old 08-16-2007, 07:26 AM   #20
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Default also waited.

For me, even tho it was for spiritual reasons, I'm betting I would've waited anyhow.

And as far as it being a "buffet"...it can be a buffet with one person. I don't see "more" being better in this area. More is just more dangerous, health wise and emotionally, IMHO.

It's too personal a thing, and frankly, the more comfortable you are with you one person, I think the more willing you are to trust to taste things off of the buffet, so to speak.

Just my 2 cents.
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Old 08-16-2007, 07:32 AM   #21
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For me, I want my kids to wait because looking back, I can honestly say that not waiting until I was married is one of my BIGGEST regrets in life.

Nothing bad ever happened to me because of s e x, I wasn't a teenage pregnancy, I never got any std's, never even got busted by mom having s e x, but the feeling it has left me with as an adult has been far worse than any other consequence, I think.

Not that I am horribly damaged or anything...It just tops my list of regrets and things I would like to go back and change.
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Old 08-16-2007, 07:37 AM   #22
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I think the specialness of it gets cheapened when it's shared with whoever.
Just because two people aren't married, doesn't mean that they're having sex with "whoever."
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Old 08-16-2007, 07:38 AM   #23
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I would also add that being the "only" for each other, eliminates any fears of being compared to anyone. The "no baggage" idea is wonderful to me. It's the idea of being valued so much by someone that he waited for me, and I waited for him.
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Old 08-16-2007, 07:46 AM   #24
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I've noticed that no one has come up with a non-religious reason to wait until marriage. Interesting..... Maybe it's only for religious or possibly health reasons that some people choose to wait.

I don't consider my body or the act of sex cheapened or dirty because I didn't wait. Since I don't prescribe to christianity, I have no moral reasons to abstain. I'm glad that I've had the sexual experiences that I have had and I have had very lovely, emotional, deep sex play with a few different men.

Personally, I wouldn't even want my daughter to wait until marriage before having sex. Sex is a buffet and I believe you should try several things before you load your plate up with just one dish!

I agree, for the most part.

I hope neither of my kids wait. I think if both partners wait, then neither ever really learns what to do. I also think they will enjoy it far more if I don't put a taboo on it. I do want them to wait until it is meaningful and special, but se x is part of life that I really hope they learn to enjoy (my DH may disagree about our DD ever enjoying it though - LOL)

Personally, my DH had 1 partner before me and I had 3 more before him. I wish we both had more experience first (or at least one of us) - would have saved us a lot of time figuring out how to do it well.
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Old 08-16-2007, 08:28 AM   #25
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I cannot see how having s e x before marriage can teach you anything to carry into marriage because we certainly did not have a clue what we were doing but we sure got it right. Multiple partners with experience never entered my mind.

We were happy teaching each other. Made it hard later on because he set a very high standard. Could be why I was single for 15 years.

We did not wait and I have never regretted it. We got pregnant and I have never regretted it.

We got married a year earlier than planned and did not have our Christmas wedding but my new baby girl made it all worth it.

Our divorce had nothing to do with not waiting or getting pregnant.

As far as the church goes I don't think s e x was every mentioned to us in any shape or form....LOL
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Old 08-16-2007, 08:49 AM   #26
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I did not wait and I have no regrets. I know SO MANY (more than 14) people that waited and are divorced. All of them wanted to "experience" life all of a sudden. A lot of them were very religious and came from really religious upbringings. Most of them were married for many, many years and have kids. I feel like I got it all out when I was younger and knew when I found the man of my dreams. DH also got it all out of his system as well. It has never caused any problems in our relationship. I think that when "the baggage" does bother people it is a lack of maturity. I didn't sleep with a gazzillion guys or anything either. DH on the other hand.....oh boy! Now, we have talked in depth with our 16 yo DS and so far he is a vir gin. Although he did say he has had Or al se x. (yes, I threw up in my mouth when he told us....but at least he is open and honest with us (so far)) I also recommend living together before you get married.
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Old 08-16-2007, 08:59 AM   #27
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I did not wait and I have no regrets. I know SO MANY (more than 14) people that waited and are divorced. All of them wanted to "experience" life all of a sudden. A lot of them were very religious and came from really religious upbringings. Most of them were married for many, many years and have kids. I feel like I got it all out when I was younger and knew when I found the man of my dreams. DH also got it all out of his system as well. It has never caused any problems in our relationship. I think that when "the baggage" does bother people it is a lack of maturity. I didn't sleep with a gazzillion guys or anything either. DH on the other hand.....oh boy! Now, we have talked in depth with our 16 yo DS and so far he is a vir gin. Although he did say he has had Or al se x. (yes, I threw up in my mouth when he told us....but at least he is open and honest with us (so far)) I also recommend living together before you get married.


For a minimum of a year.
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Old 08-16-2007, 09:05 AM   #28
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One of the primary reasons women were taught chastity in ancient times had nothing to do with religion or health. Chastity had everything to do with lineage. If a man married a virgin and nine months (more or less, mostly less) later the couple was blessed with a bouncing bundle, the husband would have more of a guarantee the offspring belonged to him. If the woman was not a virgin, no guarantees and no man wanted his wealth or property to pass into the hands of someone not of his bloodline.

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Old 08-16-2007, 09:14 AM   #29
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Well I didn't wait- although to this day my family and my DH's family firmly believe that we did. Yes I married my "first" and yes we talked about it and at the time, we thought there were more reasons to go ahead and do it because we loved eachother.

We both regret it.

We had a wonderful honeymoon and have a fabulous s e x life thank you very much- but we robbed ourselves. I know we both feel that we should have had waited. It was a little like finding a christmas present early (at the time you're soooo excited) and then practicing your "surprised" face on christmas morning when you're supposed to open it up. Just my opinion.

Little notes:
-Those who have pre-marital sex are not all sleeping with whoever and whatever they find. They too have loving, monogomous relationships.
- In my experience, I have yet to meet anyone who waited and regretted it. But I have a lot of friends who didn't (and myself) and ended up with regrets.

Just my opinions, not meant to offend.
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Old 08-16-2007, 11:06 AM   #30
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One of the primary reasons women were taught chastity in ancient times had nothing to do with religion or health. Chastity had everything to do with lineage. If a man married a virgin and nine months (more or less, mostly less) later the couple was blessed with a bouncing bundle, the husband would have more of a guarantee the offspring belonged to him. If the woman was not a virgin, no guarantees and no man wanted his wealth or property to pass into the hands of someone not of his bloodline.

Rainsong
That's interesting! Also, I hadn't thought about it, but in some countries aren't unmarried non-virgins treated like dirt or worse?
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Old 08-16-2007, 11:08 AM   #31
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Tiff---I hadn't even thought of the connection between premarital sex & divorce, but obviously there isn't necessarily one! Thanks for that insight!
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Old 08-16-2007, 11:37 AM   #32
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Well I didn't wait- although to this day my family and my DH's family firmly believe that we did. Yes I married my "first" and yes we talked about it and at the time, we thought there were more reasons to go ahead and do it because we loved eachother.

We both regret it.

We had a wonderful honeymoon and have a fabulous s e x life thank you very much- but we robbed ourselves. I know we both feel that we should have had waited. It was a little like finding a christmas present early (at the time you're soooo excited) and then practicing your "surprised" face on christmas morning when you're supposed to open it up. Just my opinion.

Little notes:
-Those who have pre-marital sex are not all sleeping with whoever and whatever they find. They too have loving, monogomous relationships.
- In my experience, I have yet to meet anyone who waited and regretted it. But I have a lot of friends who didn't (and myself) and ended up with regrets.

Just my opinions, not meant to offend.
I could have written every part of this. This decribes DH and I perfectly.
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Old 08-16-2007, 11:57 AM   #33
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My husband I didn't wait until marriage, but like several others we were each others first. This got me to thinking about people who don't want to get married and who are still in a commited relationship AND religious. Even though my husband I did get married, at the time we had s e x I was okay with it because he was such a special part of my life.
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Old 08-16-2007, 12:08 PM   #34
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I'm sorry the first thing I thought of after reading the title of the thread was...You'd better have it before marriage becaus the likelihood of having it after is less and less. But honestly I did have sex before I was married and with more than one partner. I even had a cheap fling with a guy becaus ehe was gorgeous, nothing more nothing less. But I was almost 18 the first time and was always safe. I'm actually more concerned now about having sex because each time DH and I decided to try to get pregnant we did within two month. One month for two of those tries. I'm still trying to talk him into a vasectomy.
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Old 08-16-2007, 12:11 PM   #35
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Both my hubby and I waited for marriage. There are more people than you think who do. It's hollywood that glamourizes it and makes it seem like a necessary thing. I think sex is a very sacred and wonderful thing that should only be shared between husband and wife. I think the specialness of it gets cheapened when it's shared with whoever. Why not save the most precious gift for the person you want to be with forever?

Well said!
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Old 08-16-2007, 12:22 PM   #36
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okay did anyone else see the ad at the bottom of this threat that said "secret love letter" from passionup.com. It gave me quite the chuckle.
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Old 08-16-2007, 12:23 PM   #37
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okay did anyone else see the ad at the bottom of this threat that said "secret love letter" from passionup.com. It gave me quite the chuckle.
LOL....why does that always happen?
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:34 PM   #38
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LOL....why does that always happen?

Scary isn't it? They pick up on key words or topics and then ads pop up for what we are talking about.
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:42 PM   #39
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Funny! When I came on it had an ad for "Marriage advice after 40!" How does the computer know????
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:36 PM   #40
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As far as thinking that it's a comparing thing....if you had sex with others before your hubby...i don't get that..like i said i had special one's before my hubby..but it was also special with him too..it never crossed my mind to do a comparison..lol...and i have never regreted any of it..i certainly have never thought ..oh if i could go back and change it..what's done is done..hubby and i went on to make a life for me and him..not with the past.. but, for the future.
just my own opinion.
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