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Old 07-22-2010, 08:51 AM   #1
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Default I need some advice

I need some advice and don'y know where else to turn to get an unbiased opinion.

Heres the situation; I have a blended family. My husband has 2 children from his first marriage and we have 1 together. Granted all of the kids are grown, we still have all the drama.

The oldest and youngest are girls and we get along great.

My issue is my son. He has not really had a relationship with our family since before my MIL passed away. I really think the problem is his wife(b***h). She has always been jealous of my girls and I feel it is petty and childish on her part. The first time she ever came to my home I caught her going through my daughters closet. When my MIL passed away she had the nerve to go into her home and start picking things that she wanted for my granddaughter. She actually got mad when we told her she was not getting the things that she wanted. My MIL made sure she had it all spelled out and left her nothing. Fast forward to now. Both of my daughters has babies (girls) last year. My DH and I couldn't be more proud of all of our girl then we are now. We had a bday party for the oldest baby, son and dil came and all was good we talked made plans for grandsons bday the next week. Well, DIL was supposed to email and call me with the details and didn't the party was forgotten on our part. Needless to say they didn't show for the other bday party 2 weeks later.
So this morning I get on FB and find out she is pregnant. My oldest DD made a comment about letting the family know on FB.

I want my son to be in my life but not her. I don't know my oldest 2 grandchildren and wish I did, but their mother won't let them do anything with us at all.

Am I wrong for not wanting her in my life. When she is around I feel like the bottom is about to drop out.

Thanks for listening and sorry it's so long.

Suzi
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Old 07-22-2010, 08:57 AM   #2
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IMO you can't have one without the other. He is an adult, he chose. Sorry. Can/Would you talk with her privately and see what she is feeling? Tell her you are excited about the new baby and hope it's a new beginning for the whole family to get close again.

Best of luck.
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Old 07-22-2010, 09:08 AM   #3
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The problem is they can't afford another child. She refuses to get a job or talk to us at all. They haven't been to a holiday at our house in over 9 years. They say it is because they invite us and we don't go. They have lived with her mother since they have been together. The first time I met her mom was when my DGD was born. Her mother had a babyshower for her and didn't bother to invite me or my MIL and had the nerve to tell my DH that he was nothing but a not so nice word that I have issue with repeating here. I asked if the kids could come spend the day with us and was told no flat out. When my DD asked why she was told that I had used poor judgement in the past. This is coming from the woman who admitted to getting stoned when she was pregnant.

So I know how she feels about us and that is fine but her children are going to know nothing of their father's family and it is her fault.
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Old 07-22-2010, 09:14 AM   #4
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Well I feel for you. I really do. I love my in laws and most of DH's siblings. But your son is just as much a part of the decision as she is sadly. He has just as much say.

I do hope things work out because it's unfair for a grandparent to not get facetime with those kidlets. And your posts are breaking my heart. I personally can't imagine not sharing my kids with anyone who will listen to me for five minute much less their own family. (((hugs)))
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Old 07-22-2010, 09:19 AM   #5
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Thanks. I have talked to him and she threatens him. She has gone so far as to tell him she will leave and take the kids. So he is basically stuck. She will get hers in the end.

Thanks for listening.

Suzi
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Old 07-22-2010, 09:50 AM   #6
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Suzi....

Sorry you are separated from your grandchildren. I cannot imagine.

IMO only your son needs to "man-up".

A life without her does not mean a life without his children.

Unless there are reasons you choose not shared with us then he can have his time with his children and he can bring his children to visit his family.

IMO only again....The "ball" is in his court.

She may be a tee total *&^% but he either loves her or he doesn't and if he loves her enough to "leave" the family fold for her then he is as much to blame as she is.

If she has something to "hold" over him them I am sorry but he still needs to "man-up" and weigh his options.

He is not stuck.

I hope things will work out.
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Old 07-22-2010, 10:07 AM   #7
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Your son is just as much to blame in the whole scenario as your "evil" daughter in law.

If one of my parents ever told me they wanted nothing to do with my spouse, that would be the end of their relationship with me.

We are a package deal and you either get both of us or neither.
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Old 07-22-2010, 10:27 AM   #8
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We have always tolerated her and would never tell him to choose. She would take the kids and go live with relatives in Texas or Mexico. So he wouldn't have snowballs chance to see them. I have been thinking about this for quite sometime and think it all started about 8 years ago. He tried to leave her. They were both using drugs and he brought My DGD out her for a visit with his then girlfriend. She called and I told her they weren't here. Which they weren't but she got it in her mind that they were. They have only been married since March. They were going to get married 2 years ago when her mother was nearly killed in a car accident. When they started planning the wedding she TOLD us that we had to help pay for the wedding. I told her no we would pay for the rehearsal and our clothes. Things have never been great between us but she seems to think we aren't part of his family.
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Old 07-22-2010, 04:01 PM   #9
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So I have decide that I am officially done with my son. I got home from grocery shopping and had a very nasty FB message. He called me and my daughters every name in the book but our names. My DH is out mowing and doesn't know yet so we shall see what he has to say. I have a feeling that he will be calling them and giving them a large piece of his mind.

Thank You all for your advice and listening to me whine.

Suzi
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Old 07-22-2010, 04:06 PM   #10
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Oh Suzi this really saddens me. I'm so sorry your son is taking this route. Of course the "what if" side of me thinks it's possible wife got on FB. Either way, unacceptable.

\I have no relationship with my dad who lives within 20 miles of me. He has always been rude to my husband, told me he thinks he's a loser etc. He's wonderful, supportive, has always worked, loves us, is smart, funny, loves his friends and family. Dad loses out. Too bad so sad. I made my family for the good of me and then of course our kids are now foremost in our minds when it comes to protection from hurt. I will continue to love my dad and I hope that your situation takes a drastic turn for the better. (((hugs)))
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Old 07-26-2010, 03:31 PM   #11
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Your DIL coun't get away with her behavior if your son didn't let her. How sad for the grasndkids. I just wouldn't respond the Facebook postings (what are we? In Highschool?). Leave the ball in their court, and leave the door cracked open. If she is that much of a B***CH he will probably be calling you soon. Good luck.
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Old 07-29-2010, 09:22 AM   #12
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So here is the latest.

All this started because of a post she made about being prego on FB. My DD commented about how nice it was to find out this way. DIL went off on DD which I will not stand for. So I posted that she could have given us a heads up.

So DIL tells son and he cusses me both DD's and DH out on FB. Now he has only been married since March and has already called us and asked us to help him get out of his marriage. I sent her a PM on FB apologizing. She proceeds to say that I am the cause of all my sons issues. DH calls son to be cussed out and told as long as we are married he wants nothing to do with any of us. DH tells him to have a good life.

We have been going through this since my MIL passed in 2001. The only time they know us is when they think they can get something from us. They refuse to act like part of the family.

We have left the ball in their court. If they want us they know where we live( at least for the next 10 years),LOL. We shall see how it goes.

Thank you all for listening to me whine.

TY
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Old 08-13-2010, 06:49 PM   #13
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I'm sorry for what your family is going through. And I understand how it feels. I would like to offer some gentle advice ...

E-mail, voicemail and FB messages are the worst possible thing to throw into a mix like this. Face to face conversations are the very best ... a phone call is the next best thing.

And I would suggest the first repair to be worked on would be you and your son. Don't say you don't care about "her" ... just express that you want to take baby steps and the first step is to mend the relationship between you and your son. Once that is strong you can move towards repairing the rest of the realtionships and hopefully bringing your family together.

i would recommend professional help as well. It's hard to facilitate an undertaking of that type on your own, especially when feelings are hurt, people are being blamed and nobody really knows how the other one is feeling.

(((HUGS))) and understanding for you from me.

My family is broken beyond repair. I hope yours is not.
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Old 08-18-2010, 08:59 PM   #14
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Dear Suzi,

I am so sorry to hear about your son. If misery loves company, I am, unfortunately, going through this with my brother. I am in your DD's position. My mother and I have done nothing but tolerate my SIL's laziness and complete uselessness, especially where their kids are concerned. Even when my brother and SIL need my parents' help, they are not nice about it. This weekend my mother finally had an argument with my SIL. Rather than trying to help everyone mend fences, my brother completely sided with his wife. He did not even want to hear about what happened. Then he decided he wants nothing to do with us anymore.

Of course we are very heart-broken and sad over the whole situation. We are a pretty close-knit family. There were all sorts of things I wanted to do, to try to clear some misunderstandings. However, like Granny Hawkins said, my brother needs to "man-up" and see how twisted things are. And if he loves her, and would rather leave his biological family for his wife, then it's his choice. Like you said, we would be here when he wants us (unless we move and he doesn't know about it, haha). There's nothing we can do until he sees some of the things that we see.

The saddest is the kids. My daughter is now asking where her cousins are. My hope is that my brother and SIL won't bad mouth our family to the kids, and they will at least know we exist and know how to contact us. The worst would be they grow up not knowing us and think we're evil.

I hope things will work out for you and my family eventually. Until then, I wish you strength and calmness. Enjoy and cherish the rest of your family.
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Old 09-14-2010, 01:22 PM   #15
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My DD was here over the weekend to drop the baby off. I asked her if she had heard from her brother. He called her on Saturday morning. He is tired of the wife ruling the roost. He says she just needs to get over her self and deal with it. I have not talked to him yet he is out of town for work.

After thinking about all the bs that went on I came to the conclusion she only wants her family in her life. DS has had his entire family alienated because of her. I will talk to him this week sometime when he can get away from her brother that works for him.

So I think it may get a little better.

Suzi
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Old 11-15-2010, 03:38 AM   #16
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I read people saying "my DD" and my "DH." I get DH, dear husband, I guess, but it's getting confusing what all of these mean. Can someone please fill me in? Thank you.
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Old 11-15-2010, 07:37 AM   #17
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DD is dear daughter
DS is dear son
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Old 11-16-2010, 01:02 AM   #18
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Thank you! I got a message about these, I guess it just took a day since signing up to arrive. So now I'm really set for the acronym thing!
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Old 11-29-2010, 06:50 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TJStamper View Post
I'm sorry for what your family is going through. And I understand how it feels. I would like to offer some gentle advice ...

E-mail, voicemail and FB messages are the worst possible thing to throw into a mix like this. Face to face conversations are the very best ... a phone call is the next best thing.

And I would suggest the first repair to be worked on would be you and your son. Don't say you don't care about "her" ... just express that you want to take baby steps and the first step is to mend the relationship between you and your son. Once that is strong you can move towards repairing the rest of the realtionships and hopefully bringing your family together.

i would recommend professional help as well. It's hard to facilitate an undertaking of that type on your own, especially when feelings are hurt, people are being blamed and nobody really knows how the other one is feeling.

(((HUGS))) and understanding for you from me.

My family is broken beyond repair. I hope yours is not.
Tracey,

What wonderful advice.

And I'm so sorry for your family issues. Hugs to you as well.

Sharon
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