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Unread 10-30-2011, 08:50 AM   #687
muddy otter
Directionally Challenged Parrothead
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: back to bobbing along in my kayak
Posts: 33,110

Originally Posted by laurlynn View Post
I'd like to think this but since our youngest just turned 6yo, I'm guessing that won't be happening here for a while.

He took them to spend the night with him at the apt, while his sister (roommate) is out of town. Of course I cried, then cleaned, then cried while cleaning, you all know the drill. In a couple hours my family is coming over to celebrate birthdays of three of the kids so at least the cleaning kept me busy. He's not coming to the party, obviously would be uncomfortable, and his parents did not plan on coming either, even though I invited them for the kids. (They couldn't even rsvp "no" but I didn't expect any differently.)

I'm just remembering that I did nothing wrong...he's the one that cheated.
I very strongly believe that as time goes on, we do reap the sum of our actions and choices for good or for ill. My Dad used to put it more cleverly: he turned the old cliche about 'time heals all wounds' inside out to me one day when I was heartbroken over a guy and said 'time wounds all heels.'

The older I've gotten, the more I've seen that my Dad was right about that. People who can hold themselves accountable for their actions, and try to live that balance between setting healthy boundaries, being honest to themselves and others, but still have that respect for others' feelings and desire to cause no harm, seem to achieve far more peace in life as time goes on, and seem to become more open to giving and receiving love. The other thing a therapist said to me once that really helped me is that it's really important to think about our own behavior ESPECIALLY in those situations where we feel truly wronged and harmed by someone else. Even if they bear 99% of the responsibility for a situation and we ourselves bear only 1%, and at that if only by choosing them, then by taking responsibility for our own part, we have the chance to learn and grow instead of feeling embittered or enraged.

I think my Dad and the therapist have it right. It's hard to let go, and to realize the only person whose behavior we can change is our own. But in doing that, we have the chance to keep learning and to work on the one thing we truly do have control over. That's ourselves: our attitudes and actions.

I read a great book this summer: Piven talks a lot about feeling what you feel when you need to and then releasing it, and trying to live with more of a focus on the moment. That helped a lot. When I'd get upset from time to time afterwards I'd just flip to a random page and read a bit. It's funny because in a way it reminded me of our dog Molly (didn't adopt our second dog till the end of August). Molly was so forlorn after STBX moved out, but after a few days she bounced back into her happy-dogness. Don't know if you've seen that joke on the internet about 'the dog's schedule,' but the gist of it is 7AM, oh boy!!! Breakfast!!! MY FAVORITE!!! 8AM, oh boy!!! Walk with Mom!!!! MY FAVORITE!!!! 10AM, Ride in car!!!! MY FAVORITE!!! and so on through the day. Piven kind of put into words what it was about Molly that just seemed so encouraging: she just threw herself into every moment with so much joy, and so much immersion into it.

I'm not sure if it's scary or cool to get to the point where you learn that much from a cocker spaniel, but these days my feeling is, hey, if it works, learn it and be thankful, LOL!

Hang in there, Laurie. I hope the kids have a GREAT party today and that oh BOY!!!! It's your FAVORITE!!!! and theirs too!!!
God sent angels down to earth in the form of dogs with notes saying 'don't judge, just love.' They ate the notes but keep trying to deliver the message.
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