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Old 12-27-2008, 09:50 PM   #291
justwritedesigns
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Location: native Texan living in extreme N. GA
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What a great thread! I love funny/quirky sayings. Here are some I've collected from who knows where:

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Budget: a method for going broke methodically.

If you can’t annoy the post office, there’s no reason for stamping.

I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you got on my nerves.

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Do not look into the laser with remaining eyeball. Thank you.

When the guy at the door said 'Alcohol, tobacco & firearms', I just assumed it was more supplies.

No trees were destroyed in making this card. However, a few bushes were stomped to death to make this envelope.

Sure you can trust the government: ask the Indians.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left

Some people have one of those days, I have one of those lives

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Someday, we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

,"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

,"What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A northern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, a southern zoo has the recipe."

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives.

Smith and Wesson: the original point and click interface.

I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Everywhere is walking distance…if you have the time.

High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.

Paper Clip: the larval stage of coat hangers.

Quantum Leap Express: when it absolutely has to be there in your lifetime.

Never draw fire. It irritates the people around you.

The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.

A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.

God put me on this earth to accomplish certain things. I am so far behind now that I will never die.

Warning: the consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers resulting in you getting your *** kicked.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

Math and alcohol don't mix. So don't drink and derive.

It only takes one beer to get me drunk…usually the 15th.

It takes a lot of talent to get a month behind in one day.

Early bird gets the worm. But second mouse gets the cheese.

Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. ~Author Unknown

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut

I’m sorry I missed your birthday. You’ve had so many, I’ve lost track.

Young at heart: Slightly older in other places.

When I was a kid I could toast marshmallows over my birthday candles. Now I could roast a turkey.

The Best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - H. V. Prochnow

Once you get a mouthful of hot coffee, whatever you do next is going to be wrong.

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

What boots up must come down.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Windows Never Cease.

Our policy is to always blame the computer.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Feel lucky? Update your software

Hardware: the part you kick.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

WINDOWS: Just another pane in the glass.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

My parents made me what I am today. I'm thinking of suing.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said: The whole time.

I hope my ship comes in before my dock rots.

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you! ~Tommy Smothers

The difference between genius & stupidity is, genius has its limits.

You can fool all of the people some of the time, & some of the people all of the time; and that seems to be sufficient.

"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your actions."

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

The only difference between my life and the Titanic is the Titanic had a dance band.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt, and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. -- Rodney Dangerfield

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machine.

The only reason I have a kitchen is that it came with my house

My Aim is to Keep this Bathroom Clean.Your Aim Would Help

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
> -Erma Bombeck-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

There was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. ~Quentin Crisp,

The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything. ~Dave Barry

One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duck tape to make them stop. ~G.M. Weilacher

I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always.

"I still miss my ex- but my aim's getting better!"

"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. "

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Beer: Helping white guys dance since 1862.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. ~Rita Rudner

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

I was cut out to be rich, but I was sewn up wrong.

If I can't have it all, I want more than my share.

Dog is OK. Beware of wife.

Dogs come to their owners. Cats summon their staff.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Help Wanted! Telepath. You know where to apply.

You sound reasonable ... Time to up my medication.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? ~Linda Ellerbee

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-

No truly advanced civilization would include pantyhose.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

Love your hair…. Hope it wins.

"A woman would rather have beauty then brains because a man can see better then he can think."

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

One good thing about egotists… they don't talk about other people.
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Last edited by justwritedesigns; 12-27-2008 at 09:54 PM..
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