I didn't know if I should share this, but I know I can't be the only one who deals with this stuff.
Alpha by Kristy Ann (Create), paper by Holly McCaig, little notebook by Amanda Rockwell. Fonts are VTPortableRemington and KGD EmilyScript
Depression has plagued me for years. It isnÂ’t something IÂ’m proud of--I have a really good life, a family who loves me, and a faith in a God who loves me deeply. My depression has always made me feel guilty, because I donÂ’t see any reason why I should be depressed. But for some reason, beyond my knowledge and understanding, IÂ’ve gone through seasons where IÂ’ve had to rely on prayer and medication to sustain me through the dark valleys.
This year IÂ’ve hit another valley. It has frustrated me to no end, because I donÂ’t want to deal with depression right now. And there is no real cause for it. In the past IÂ’ve been able to pinpoint an event or a hormonal change like the birth of a child. But I donÂ’t know why IÂ’m depressed right now. I just know that I am. And I feel so lonely in that depression. IÂ’ve been here before, and IÂ’ve made it through. And I know that if I keep trusting in God and keep taking medication I will make it through this time. I just wish I didnÂ’t have to be here again. I sat in denial for a long time-- I didnÂ’t want to admit I was here, in this place again. But IÂ’m ready to face reality. Even if that reality isnÂ’t what IÂ’d hoped it would be.
In my prayers, IÂ’ve come back to this song by Barlow Girl more times than I can count. Right now I really do feel like IÂ’m crying out to God with no reply. And I donÂ’t always feel Him right there. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has never left me in the past. So IÂ’m clinging to the promise that He hasnÂ’t forgotten me now.
I donÂ’t know why I have to be this way. I donÂ’t know why I have to go through depression over and over again. I donÂ’t know if there is just a switch in my brain that doesnÂ’t work right or what. I donÂ’t know. I wish I had answers and I wish I could just make it all go away.
I hate the person I am when IÂ’m depressed. I hate the fake smile I plaster on my face. I hate the way I snap at the people I love and show fake niceness to strangers. The ones I love the most are the ones I lash out at. And they deserve more. I deserve more. And I trust that God will help me to be me again.
Date: Monday, December 25, 2006 GMT Views: 1756
Favorited:18
Registered: November 24, 2004 Location: Battle Creek, MI Posts: 3634
Mon, Dec 25, 2006 @ 2:16 PM
HUGS to you. I know how you feel. Ever since my mom died I have had periods of depression. I'm fine most of the time, but then it will hit me for a little while. This Christmas has been one of those times. It's just not what this time of year used to be like. Then Marc had a big fight with his dad again on Christmas Eve. I've been crying all day. I know it will get better and things could be worse. You just have to know that you will get over this hump and you have a lot of people here to lean on if you need it. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk. I will say a prayer for you.
Registered: September 10, 2004 Location: Hudson Valley, NY Posts: 6918
Mon, Dec 25, 2006 @ 2:28 PM
Kim, I just want to thank you so much for sharing your pain, particularly on a day when it seems the world is excited and happy and only you are suffering such pain. Please know that you are NOT alone, although that knowledge does not in itself alleviate the hurt. I have been there too and I do fully know and understand how it feels. And I know this for sure- there is no point in beating yourself up with guilt, heaping that burden upon yourself on top of what you are already dealing with. There is no WHY, it just IS. Internal depression has nothing to do with external circumstances; they are 2 separate things. Depression is not something you purposely bring upon yourself anymore than if you broke your leg or got sick with some other disease. You can't control the depression, but you CAN control making yourself feel guitly about it, so please stop that.
I just wanted to post this here to let you know that you have friends on this site who hear you and understand, and are only all to happy to listen and to care. We can talk further offlist if you like. I have lots to share, too.
Sending you warm Holiday Hugggs!
Maddy
Registered: July 19, 2006 Location: Canada Posts: 2183
Mon, Dec 25, 2006 @ 3:05 PM
I think it was very brave of you to post. And I think you are being way too hard on yourself. As a medical person, I see many depressed people and I think you are aware that it is a DISEASE of which you are not responsible for. I have an example to share with you....think about what it would be like to suffer from, lets say, arthritis. Arthritis is a disease and it hurts (physcially AND mentally) and you snap at people, feel mean because of the pain. But should you feel guilty that you are suffering with arithritis? NO. It doesn't make sense. Well, the same can be said for depression. It too is a disease like arthritis in my example and you must not try to feel guilty when the depression hits. It is sometimes not in your control and I wish with all my heart that you let go of the social stigma of suffering from depression. I guess it doesn't help when more than half the world knows nothing about the disease. You say the words "mental health" and people turn away. I hope this changes some day.
Registered: January 12, 2006 Location: Lacey, Washington Posts: 29
Mon, Dec 25, 2006 @ 3:41 PM
I understand completely because I have also gone through periods of depression. Please do not feel ashamed for having this problem. It is a medical condition that can be treated with medication. You are not alone and this too shall pass. I can vouch for that. Take care and thanks so much for sharing that. Lori
Registered: May 23, 2004 Location: New Zealand Posts: 1449
Mon, Dec 25, 2006 @ 3:52 PM
Thank you for sharing your feelings so eloquently Kim. I understand exactly how you feel as I have suffered like you in the past and have been more or less OK on it for 12 years now, and feel lucky to be in a much happier phase of my life for now. However, our 30 year old DD returned to live at home with us 6 months ago after a breakdown/depression struck her too, and she will be with us for while yet while her medication takes hold and she starts to feel better and can work again. Having been where she is now (and you too) I understand, and my heart goes out to you, together with lots of hugs and prayers. You are not alone. Forget the guilt! It gets you no-where and doesn't answer any questions, so enjoy the love and support you get from family and friends.
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Registered: February 15, 2005 Location: Big Island of Hawaii Posts: 18044
Mon, Dec 25, 2006 @ 4:04 PM
Mahalo for sharing such a heartfelt page. I'm sure it helped you and others. . . I know that journaling has helped me.
Take care of yourself and know that others have you in their prayers!!
Registered: June 28, 2004 Location: New Hampshire Posts: 715
Mon, Dec 25, 2006 @ 4:33 PM
My husband has suffered from depression for years. It has been very hard for him and our family. I feel it is a real illness- not a weakness. He has often said that it would be easier if he had heart disease or some other disease because people understand and are supportive of that. I know that sometimes it is not enough, but remember, your family loves you even during the darkest moments. My biggest fear is my husband will not be around when our children have left the house and it is just us again.
Kay
Registered: March 19, 2005 Location: Stamping away in Minglerville (Freeland,MI) Posts: 5594
Mon, Dec 25, 2006 @ 5:33 PM
Kimberley- My thoughts and prayers are with you! I hope that you will soon be feeling happy and hopeful-thanks be to God that there is medication to help. I know from my husbands dealings with depression that medicine doesn't always help fully,(his is a chemical imbalance). Hopefully you know that your family loves and supports you even though those of us closest don't always understand the depths that depression can take you to. We will be there-because we love you. Keep the faith-rememer that nothing is impossible with God.
Sue
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