I didn't know if I should share this, but I know I can't be the only one who deals with this stuff.
Alpha by Kristy Ann (Create), paper by Holly McCaig, little notebook by Amanda Rockwell. Fonts are VTPortableRemington and KGD EmilyScript
Depression has plagued me for years. It isnít something Iím proud of--I have a really good life, a family who loves me, and a faith in a God who loves me deeply. My depression has always made me feel guilty, because I donít see any reason why I should be depressed. But for some reason, beyond my knowledge and understanding, Iíve gone through seasons where Iíve had to rely on prayer and medication to sustain me through the dark valleys.
This year Iíve hit another valley. It has frustrated me to no end, because I donít want to deal with depression right now. And there is no real cause for it. In the past Iíve been able to pinpoint an event or a hormonal change like the birth of a child. But I donít know why Iím depressed right now. I just know that I am. And I feel so lonely in that depression. Iíve been here before, and Iíve made it through. And I know that if I keep trusting in God and keep taking medication I will make it through this time. I just wish I didnít have to be here again. I sat in denial for a long time-- I didnít want to admit I was here, in this place again. But Iím ready to face reality. Even if that reality isnít what Iíd hoped it would be.
In my prayers, Iíve come back to this song by Barlow Girl more times than I can count. Right now I really do feel like Iím crying out to God with no reply. And I donít always feel Him right there. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has never left me in the past. So Iím clinging to the promise that He hasnít forgotten me now.
I donít know why I have to be this way. I donít know why I have to go through depression over and over again. I donít know if there is just a switch in my brain that doesnít work right or what. I donít know. I wish I had answers and I wish I could just make it all go away.
I hate the person I am when Iím depressed. I hate the fake smile I plaster on my face. I hate the way I snap at the people I love and show fake niceness to strangers. The ones I love the most are the ones I lash out at. And they deserve more. I deserve more. And I trust that God will help me to be me again.
Date: Monday, December 25, 2006 GMT Views: 1680
Registered: January 18, 2005 Location: Siberia...oops, I mean Edmonton! Posts: 27
Mon, Dec 25, 2006 @ 10:42 AM
I feel your pain in your words; I feel your pain in my daily life. I too have struggled with depression for years, since I got pregnant with my last baby who is now just 4.
It's a beautiful journaling page, and I think it was very nice that you shared it with us. There are a lot of people struggling with depression, and it helps to know that you aren't alone. Thank you for sharing, and take care.
Registered: March 20, 2005 Location: Butler, PA Posts: 77720
Mon, Dec 25, 2006 @ 11:09 AM
I cannot know your pain, for I do not suffer depression . . . but, I can extend my hand and heart to you and wish you good health and a happy heart and mind. Prayers will go with you in your journey - you can do it - keep the faith, keep your head high and pray! God bless!
If you open someone's card, you must have liked it...please leave a comment to encourage them!
Registered: January 28, 2006 Location: Indiana Posts: 191
Mon, Dec 25, 2006 @ 11:51 AM
I too will pray for you. And know that you are already in a better place for you recognize your depression. My sister-in-law will not admit she has a problem and will not seek medicine. She too lashes out at the ones she loves. Unfortuately her kids are the ones suffering the most. They have no way of understanding why she does the things she does. Your kids will benefit from your honesty.
I know it was hard, but thanks for sharing...it helps others like me understand better.
Registered: February 23, 2005 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 12047
Mon, Dec 25, 2006 @ 12:06 PM
Kimberly, you're a wonderful person and I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering. I hope your heartfelt journaling page helps you along with others who may feel the same way yet not know how to express it.
Registered: September 19, 2006 Location: Kansas Posts: 15189
Mon, Dec 25, 2006 @ 12:29 PM
What a beautiful thoughtful page! I love it, and would certainly hang in for all to see.
I too suffer from depression. I have been on and off meds for many years. I have come to realize that I may never be able to go off my meds again. My brian just doens't synopse correctly, I suppose.
Congratulations on recognizing your weakness, and dealing with it. May God continue to bless and support you, just as He does me.
------------------------------ ***~ Amber ~***
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