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Old 01-05-2006, 07:04 PM   #1
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Default quirky card sayings...

I'm not sure I'm posting this in the correct forum but here's what I've been thinking...
I LOVE making cards and have seen some especially beautiful work, but do somewhat miss the quirky sayings that are printed on store cards. I was thinking we could start a list of great card sayings we've seen or thought of. Example,
Having a birthday? Inside: Me too! It's just on a different day.
You've got the quality I most like in a friend Inside: You like me!

Just a thought. I have more but I'll wait to see if there is any interest. Thanks!
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Old 01-05-2006, 07:16 PM   #2
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I agree. My husband gave me a list of the ones he's like to see. I'll have to find it, then I'll post. Some funny stuff.
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Old 01-05-2006, 07:18 PM   #3
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great idea!! I'm clueless though. Maybe tomorrow when I'm more alert.
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Old 01-05-2006, 07:25 PM   #4
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I can think of a few unusual phrases I've love to see on cards:

~ Who asked for your opinion?

~ My hair may not look so good, but at least it's clean.

~ Who died and made YOU Queen of Everything?



ok, so they're not all exactly "nice" sayings...
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Old 01-06-2006, 11:54 AM   #5
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Default so glad

Yippie!
I'm so glad some of you are interested in this. Keep posting them and I'll put them all on one sheet and will post that. I'll also find some more to add. Thanks!!!
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Old 01-06-2006, 12:44 PM   #6
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Ok, so here are the ones that my husband suggested (they're not original, and I don't know the source):

>THINGS THAT H*LLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
>
>My tire was thumping.
>I thought it was flat
>When I looked at the tire...
>I noticed your cat.
>
>Sorry!
>
>*****
>
>Heard your wife left you,
>How upset you must be.
>But don't fret about it...
>She moved in with me.
>
>*****
>
>Looking back over the years
>that we've been together,
>I can't help but wonder...
>"What the hell was I thinking?"
>
>*****
>
>Congratulations on your wedding day!
>Too bad no one likes your husband.
>
>*****
>
>How could two people as beautiful as you
>Have such an ugly baby?
>
>*****
>
>I've always wanted to have
>someone to hold,
>someone to love.
>After having met you,
>I've changed my mind.
>
>*****
>
>I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
>I never believed in Hell until I met you.
>
>*****
>
>As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
>That you're not here to ruin it for me.
>
>*****
>
>Congratulations on your promotion.
>Before you go...
>Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
>You'll probably need it again.
>
>*****
>
>Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
>
>(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky,
>North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia
>& West Virginia)
>
>*****
>
>Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
>Almost Lifelike!
>
>*****
>
>When we were together,
>you always said you'd die for me.
>Now that we've broken up,
>I think it's time you kept your promise.
>
>*****
>
>We have been friends for a very long
>time ...
>let's say we stop?
>
>*****
>
>I'm so miserable without you
>it's almost like you're here.
>
>*****
>
>Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
>Did you ever find out who the father was?
>
>*****
>
>Your friends and I wanted to do
>something special for your birthday.
>So we're having you put to sleep.
>
>*****
>
>So your daughter's a hooker,
>and it spoiled your day.
>Look at the bright side,
>it's really good pay.
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Old 01-06-2006, 07:26 PM   #7
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THINGS THAT H*LLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
These are entirely too funny! I think there's a country/western song in there somewhere.
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Old 01-07-2006, 05:29 PM   #8
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Here's a few:

Blessed are the
Flexible for they
Shall never be
Bent out of shape.

Cheer the H*ll Up!

God will get you for that!
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Old 01-07-2006, 10:01 PM   #9
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Default more!

Here are some more:
Take it easy over the holidays... so you don't have to wake up and wonder how the mistletoe got in your underpants.

When life hands you lemons..stick them in your bra!

Friends are like bras, close to your heart and there for support
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Old 01-08-2006, 05:43 PM   #10
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Ladydoc, your last post reminded me of this one. Thanks!


When life hands you lemons, squeeze lemon juice in life's eye. That'll show life!
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Old 01-08-2006, 05:55 PM   #11
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I'll have to go looking in my files. I send out a lot of cards to our church...sometimes you just need to send something funny. I will look forward to the completed list. Thanks for doing that!
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Old 01-08-2006, 06:14 PM   #12
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Default making the list

I will be out of town over the next two weeks, when I get back I'll compile what everyone has sent and post it. I'll let this run through the month to see how many we get.
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Old 01-08-2006, 06:27 PM   #13
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I read these to my dh. He got a real kick out of them. Me too! I can't wait to check back for more! I know a few folks I'd like to send these to!
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Old 01-08-2006, 07:15 PM   #14
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I have no idea where I got these but here they are. Maybe you'll want to cut and past to your word program because this could take a while.
----------------
Have you ever stopped to think Öand then forgotten to start again?

The older I get the better I was.

Wherever you go, there you are.

It's been fun and it's been real, but it hasn't been real fun

Sometimes I sits and thinks and sometimes I just sit.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Hereís to my friends and the strength to put up with you.

I fear there is no PMS and this is just my personality

Thank goodness wrinkles donít hurt

God grant me the serenity to forget the people I never liked anyway the good fortune to run into the ones I do and the eyesight to tell the difference

Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair it gives you something to do but doesnít get you anywhere

Dear God please put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

My husband needs glasses; he still doesnít see things my way

Womanís fault are many, men have only two, everything they say and everything they do.

Donít hate us because weíre fun.

A woman that strives to be like a man lakes ambition.

I donít do ironing, dishes, laundry, windows, houseworkÖ I do lunch!

If we canít laugh at ourselves, letís go make fun of someone else.

Age is a matter of mindÖ If you donít mind, it doesnít matter.

When you get to the end of your ropeÖtie a knot, hang on and swing!

Friends are like fine chocolatesÖitís whatís inside that makes them special!

If you have nothing good to say about anyone, come sit by me.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

If you canít be a good example, be a dire warning.

I sleep naked and it ainít a pretty picture.

Pretending to be a normal person day after day is exhausting.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

Life is too short to skip dessert.

Friends are the stars that twinkle in our hearts.

I ainít smart, but I are Fun!

Creative clutter is better than idle neatness.

Iím so far behind I think Iím first!

Be reasonableÖ do it my way!

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"

If ignorance is bliss - why aren't more people happy?

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries!

I can only please one person per day. Today is not YOUR day! (Tomorrow doesnít look good either.)

Warm cookies always make me feel better!

Iíll riseÖ but I refuse to shine!

I donít have time to be this busy.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg, even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.

We have a strange and wonderful relationship. Youíre strange, and Iím wonderful.

If you are grouchy, mean, or just plain irritable, there will be a $10 charge for putting up with you.

If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.

Just when you think youíve finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

Iím not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Have you ever let your mind wander, only to realize it was too little to be left alone?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

You donít have to drive me crazy ÖIím close enough to walk.

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

I took an IQ test, and the results were negative.

Does the noise in my head bother you?

Forget loveÖ Iíd rather fall in chocolate!

Call meÖand weíll do chocolate!

Getting old is not for sissies!

All imperfections are a result of the creative process.

HOT FLASHES . . . a woman's personal summer

Stressed spelled backwards is Desserts!!ÖCoincidence?

Iím a country music song waiting to happen.

If you donít like my driving, get off the sidewalk.

Iím actually quite pleasant until Iím awake.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

Organized people are just too lazy to hunt for things.

Youíre never too old to do goofy things.

Everything I say can be entirely backed by my own opinion.

I child-proofed my house, but they still got in.

Women do come with instructionsÖ just ask them.

Yes, it is always about me.

Iím not bossy; I just know what you should be doing.

Donít tell me what kind of day to have!

"This card was made by hand. If you throw it away, those same hands will make a doll in your image and stick pins in its butt."

It's the little moments that make life BIG

Savor the moments that are warm and special and giggly.

You're only young once, but you can always be immature.
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Old 01-08-2006, 08:38 PM   #15
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Oh my gosh ... WAY too funny!
You are crackin' me UP!
I'll be keeping this thread handy as I think about making some of my odder than ordinary cards!

Hahaaa!!! LOVE IT!!

Keep um' coming!
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Old 01-09-2006, 11:19 AM   #16
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Instant human - just add caffeine! (or chocolate )

Your village called. They want their idiot back.

Leave me alone - I'm having a crisis.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Bad spellers of the world untie!

Don't start with me. You will not win!

How can I miss you if you won't go away?!

And these were from some stupid email I got from someone, but I've made some fun cards based on them:

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a
sweet thang like you.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, We go together like a
skunk goes with stank.
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Old 01-09-2006, 02:01 PM   #17
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My dh had Blue Comedy Tour on last night and Ron White had a good one that I thought would make a fun party invitation:
"If life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life handed them vodka and have a party!"
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Old 01-09-2006, 04:08 PM   #18
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this isn't original but I saw it here on SCS and I think it's hilarious:

"really, I like you.......but why do you have to be a size 10 and I'm a size 16?"
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Old 01-10-2006, 08:37 AM   #19
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Ok, I'll play. I'm not the originator of ANY of these... I copy stuff down and keep quotes and things in a file I use when my mind can't come up with anything else I also have some quotes for stamp-specific images (like Shoes, Martini glasses, etc.). Should I post 'em too?

Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

Live well; Love much; Laugh often.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened

Don't sweat the petty stuff, and don't pet the sweaty stuff

Save the Earth – it’s the only planet with Chocolate!

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

MONEY talks. CHOCOLATE sings.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

Want to make God laugh? Tell Him what you're doing tomorrow

It takes a mighty fine husband to be better than none

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering "what the hell happened?".
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Old 01-23-2006, 10:12 AM   #20
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Default for stamped images...

Sure! Post 'em too!
I just got back to town and will put a list together later this week.
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Old 01-23-2006, 10:37 AM   #21
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I love these posts! thanks for starting the thread! I think some of these have inspired a project for 2 or 3 of those mini scrapbooks from wmart -- woohoo!
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Old 01-23-2006, 10:56 AM   #22
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I am subscribing to this so I don't lose it. Sometimes I just forget where I left it.
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Old 01-23-2006, 11:23 AM   #23
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Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.

The most important thing she'd learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.

birthday (burth'da'), n: 1. a day on which the friends and relatives of a given individual express their affection for that person by remembering the day and the month of his or her birth and forgetting the year.

We thought your birthday was a great excuse to party...of course, we think anything is a great excuse to party...a parking space close to the door. New potato chip flavor in the vending machine. Toilet paper in all the bathroom stalls. Someone else had to refill the copier paper...

Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery by doubling our joy and dividing our grief.

There are only two kinds of people in the world. The Irish, and those who wish they were.

If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand.

How does the person that drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings????

Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled

We interrupt this marriage for a football game!
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Old 01-23-2006, 11:29 AM   #24
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These are right up my alley!!! Here are a few more (none original)
I often visit the state of confusion and I know my way around pretty well.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
If money can't buy happiness..then you don't know where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again neither does milk!
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
If the police arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
Everyone's life has a purpose. Yours was to serve as a bad example.
It's not my fault I never learned to accept responsibility.
Did you ever notice the Roman numerals for 40 are XL?
Of course it is in the last place you looked!
My doctor told me jogging would add years to my life. I only jogged once and I feel 10 years older already.
Don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be left alone.
I'm not here to encourage you. I am here to offer unsolicited advice and criticism.
(Fish stamp) Not tonight dear, I have a haddock.
I'm a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating.
Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? He's all right now.
Guilt. The gift that keeps on giving.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Do old men wear boxers or briefs???? Depends.
Just when you think you've seen it all...you try on your bathing suit.
I may be lost, but I'm making good time.
The secret to success is sincerity. If you can fake that you've got it made! (Jean Giraudoux)
To exercize is human, not to is divine. (Robert Orben)
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give some people.
If the shoe fits buy the matching purse.
Before you cricitize someone walk a mile in their shoes. Then if it makes them mad you are a mile away and you have the shoes.
My reality check bounced.
If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you!
We all have faults. Mine is being wicked.
It ain't the jeans that make your but* look fat.
Follow your dreams unless it is the one where you are naked at work during a firedrill.
I used to go skinny dipping. Now I chunky dunk.
It might look like I'm doing nothing...but at the cellular level I am really quite busy.
You can't have everything in life. Where would you put it?
Now that food has replaced my se* life even I can't get in my pants.
The doctor told me to lower my cholesteral so no more high heels.
How do I get everything I want? Slow but constant whining.
Be a well-rounded person. Eat more chocolate
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Your HMO refuses to pay for an enema. I'm gonna have to slap the sh** out of you!

And on a nicer note:

The best portion of a good man's (replace with woman's) life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness. William Wordsworth
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Old 01-23-2006, 05:03 PM   #25
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It's so funny that I found this thread (glad I went to page 2)

My aunt had breast reduction surgery today. No card in Hallmark for that occasion. So I went to the stamp store to browse, hoping something clever would come to me. Nothing did. I was thinking, too, that I can't make her anything sweet or cute. We've always sent over-the-top funny or even nasty cards to each other. Can't find stamps like that anywhere!

I'll be saving this thread as well!!

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Old 01-23-2006, 05:40 PM   #26
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I'll have to think about this some but heres one for now: Know what you are getting for your Birthday.............Older
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Old 01-23-2006, 06:31 PM   #27
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Default Breast Wishes!

Talk about quirky cards!

Below is a card I sent my twin sister when she had a malignant lump removed from her breast, and the inside says "Breast Wishes!"

Made it with 3 different size circle punches (1/2", 1/4", and 1/8"), and it made her laugh! Who says you need a stamp for every occasion!
Attached Thumbnails
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Old 01-23-2006, 06:53 PM   #28
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I've seen at least 4 on the lists that I need to use very soon; I can't wait to see the full list! I hope I didn't wake my DH laughing too loud! Keep em coming!
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Old 01-24-2006, 06:07 PM   #29
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I'm posting so I can come back and get the full list! These are great!
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Old 01-24-2006, 06:46 PM   #30
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What a great idea to start this thread!! Here's some more:


On the lastest Papercrafts:

Any time you think you have influence, try ordering around someone else's dog. Unknown

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. - Judith Viorst

I could give up chocolate -- but I'm not a quitter - Unknown

In the beginning, the Lord created chocolate, and He saw that it was good. Then He separated the light from the dark, and it was even better. - Unknown.

Forget love -- I'd rather fall in chocolate - Unknown

Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don't need an appointment - unknown

I don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon - Ellen Degeneres
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Old 01-24-2006, 06:49 PM   #31
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Work fascinates me--I can sit and look at it for hours!

I never make the same mistake twice--new mistakes are much more intersting!

Never worry....your mother worries enough for both of you....

Life, unlike algebra, does not have the answers to the odd problems in the back of the book!

Life is paved with success...Just anticipate road construction.

Teenagers do not want parents....They want a sponsor!

Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to the wall!

Grow old along with me....the best is yet to be!

Lives....Get one!

Learn from the mistakes of others...You can't live long enough to make them all yourself!

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted!
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Old 01-24-2006, 10:16 PM   #32
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OMG! I've been ROFLMAO! Too funny! Keep 'em coming!

What about something for this stamp?? I haven't used it yet because I didn't know what to do with it.

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Old 01-25-2006, 07:02 AM   #33
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Thanks so much for sharing all of these. I just found this and have been sitting here LOL. I have just one that is hanging on my wall here: There's no sense in being pessimistic...it wouldn't work anyway!
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Old 01-25-2006, 07:54 AM   #34
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Exclamation Combined into one document ...

Phwew... i'm all chucked out... these are amazing!

Please find the attached Word doc with all of these included.

PS: These were just copied/pasted and some reformated a bit to save space.
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Old 01-25-2006, 08:00 AM   #35
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hi these are great!!! did you come up with something to go with the ladies in the car stamp i would ove to know what you thought up..i love the poodle in the backseat i would come up with the dog... but i cant not enough creativeness--
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Old 01-25-2006, 08:00 AM   #36
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hi these are great!!! did you come up with something to go with the ladies in the car stamp i would love to know what you thought up..i love the poodle in the backseat i would come up with the dog... but i cant not enough creativeness--
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Old 01-25-2006, 08:58 AM   #37
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Got these in an email today, sorry for the horrible fonts on them, am busy doing valentine bag-a-lopes, so don't want to format right now..lol..lazy me!

BEHIND EVERY
SUCCESSFUL WOMAN
IS HERSELF

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER
IN HOT WATER

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN
ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW
TO COMBINE MARRIAGE
AND A CAREER

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST
BETTER RICH

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I HAVE A GUN

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME

DO NOT START WITH ME.
YOU WILL NOT WIN

ALL STRESSED OUT
AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
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Old 01-25-2006, 11:27 AM   #38
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Here's one I got from my sister:

This Birthday card is from both of us......

in much the same way we both gave birth to the children!
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Old 01-26-2006, 09:49 PM   #39
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My brother in law gave me a tee-shirt for Christmas and it says:

Don't think twice - if you didn't get it the first time, you won't get it the second time!
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Old 01-26-2006, 10:14 PM   #40
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This link, courtesy of JanTink, may offer some ideas:

Things you won't find on a Hallmark card . . .
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