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Old 06-16-2005, 11:09 AM   #1
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Default Daily Dose of Laughter

I don't know what happened to the old thread; I thought it should be under this category, but don't see it, so I'm just going to post this here.

10 Words That Don't Exist, but Should:


1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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Old 06-16-2005, 11:19 AM   #2
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I LOVE these laughter threads!

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door
where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for
a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the
morning." He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked
his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help
him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and
it is pouring rain outside!!."

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him,
and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out
into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you
still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
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Old 06-16-2005, 11:21 AM   #3
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One more:



She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything--cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere!
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit...
Repairmen refused to work in the house...
The maid quit...
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
...including the curtain rods.


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????
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Old 06-16-2005, 12:26 PM   #4
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Janice, I love the one about the wife who got even. HILARIOUS!!!!!!!
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Old 06-16-2005, 02:30 PM   #5
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Janice, that was hilarious!!

MSchoener, thank you for restarting this thread. I think I suffer from # 2 on your list!

Melissa
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Old 06-16-2005, 05:39 PM   #6
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A good laugh is worth a lot on a crabby day thanks to all of you.
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Old 06-18-2005, 01:21 PM   #7
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bump
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Old 06-18-2005, 01:44 PM   #8
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Smile Good Housekeeping Tip

Good Housekeeping Tip:

Always keep several get well cards on the mantel..... so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.

Of course you will make sure they are stamped ones.
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Old 06-18-2005, 09:01 PM   #9
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A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.
The blonde friend said "For what? Are you going to set it on fire?"
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Old 06-18-2005, 09:39 PM   #10
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Quote" A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
...including the curtain rods. Quote"


Hilarious!!!! I love this.


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Old 06-20-2005, 11:02 AM   #11
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This comes from a lawyer magazine as you will see:

Thought this was cute.

Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A. No.

Q. Did you check for blood pressure?

A. No.

Q. Did you check for breathing?

A. No.

Q. So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A. No.

Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q. But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A. Yes, it is possible the he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Old 06-20-2005, 11:16 AM   #12
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I'm sure you have all seen this before but a co-worked just emailed it to me and I got a kick out of it . . . espcially the "Slinky's kinked" one!!!

40 TERMS FOR THE STUPID:

A few clowns short of a circus.

Dumber than a box of hair.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off her cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay her brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.
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Old 06-22-2005, 09:21 AM   #13
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Default BBQ'ing

Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When man
declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
a woman.
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Old 06-22-2005, 09:52 AM   #14
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Default My giggle to share

Sent this from my friend Sandy and had to share here

DUSTY UNDERWEAR

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What
the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he
shook them out.

"HONEY!," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in
my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
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