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Old 06-24-2004, 09:04 AM   #1
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Default A Daily Dose of Laughter - Join In Please

I thought it'd be fun to have a place to post those funny jokes & stories we all have.
I'll go first.

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
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Old 06-24-2004, 09:09 AM   #2
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A blonde is speeding away in her car and notices a police car behind her with the lights on. She pulls over, and is relieved to see another Blonde is the officer. "Yes, officer?" she smiles. The officer, although a Blonde sister, has to do her job. "I need to see your driver's license." After some rummaging around her purse, the driver gets disgusted. "I'm sorry, I forgot what that looks like, what should I be looking for?" The officer helpfully tells her "It's rectangular, and will have your picture on it." The driver pulls out her mirrored compact and hands it to the officer. "Here it is! Sorry " The officer opens it, looks at the picture, and says to the driver in an apologetic tone, "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know you were a cop too. "

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Old 06-24-2004, 09:10 AM   #3
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel sticking out of his zipper.

The bartender says, "Hey, there's a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper."

The pirate replies, "Yeah, I know, it's driving me nuts."
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Old 06-24-2004, 09:14 AM   #4
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I just spit Pepsi on my keyboard.
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Old 06-24-2004, 09:25 AM   #5
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Default joke for the day

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

hee!hee!hee!
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Old 06-24-2004, 09:29 AM   #6
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A man left work Friday afternoon, but, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his paycheck without telling his wife.

When he appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife, who yelled at him for two hours.

Finally, she stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

So, Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her just a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Old 06-24-2004, 09:40 AM   #7
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You guys are cracking me up!!!

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Old 06-24-2004, 09:56 AM   #8
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A blond was a little down on her luck and low on cash. She decided she needed to come up with a fool-proof plan to make some money. SHe headed to the park and snagged a little boy. She wrote a note that said "I am kidnapping your son. Fill a bag with money and leave it behind the big oak tree in the park if you ever want to see your son again. Signed the Blond Kidnapper." She pinned the note to the boy and told him to go home. The next day she went back to the park and looked behind the oak tree. There was a big bag with money in it and a note that said "Here's your money. I can't believe one Blond would do this to another Blond."
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Old 06-24-2004, 09:59 AM   #9
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HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Got tears in my eyes!!! TOO FUNNY!!!!
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Old 06-24-2004, 10:06 AM   #10
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Oh Ladies you are too funny! pirates and blondes... I don't think Cami is the only one who needs to buy stock in the depends corp. anymore!!

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Old 06-24-2004, 10:10 AM   #11
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Here's a good one sent to me a few months ago:


From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP
his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

The wife stood back up, she looked across the hood and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however,
had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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Old 06-24-2004, 10:15 AM   #12
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If this keeps up I'll have to buy a new keyboard........................
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Old 06-24-2004, 10:20 AM   #13
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Karixma, I thought I was going to lose it when you said that you spit pepsi all over your keyboard. That was just as funny as these jokes. Keep em coming ladies.

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Old 06-24-2004, 01:16 PM   #14
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When I look at your Avatar I laugh everytime, karixma! (although I did love the very feminine shot of your daughter!)
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Old 06-24-2004, 01:20 PM   #15
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yes, that of her daughter was priceless.. what was she eating?
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Old 06-24-2004, 03:04 PM   #16
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I've got a really good one....but I don' t think I should post it
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Old 06-24-2004, 03:34 PM   #17
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Why not Steph? Is it too risque? We like risque.

Thanks for the compliments to my daughter. She was eating saltines.
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Old 06-24-2004, 03:39 PM   #18
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okay....don't say i didn't tell you so

Two me decided to go fishin. they go to this pond. They see this lady on the other side. After 5 hours the men have caught nothing, the woman has caught pails and pails of fish. Well....The next day the men go to the other side of the pond, where the woman was teh day before. They see the woman on the other side where they were. Again, they catch nothing, the woman catches a lot. They are so confused. On the third day, they approach the woman and ask "How do you know which side of the pond to fish on?"

She replys...I look at my husbands ****** If it's hangin to the right I fish on the right side. If it's hangin to the left, I fish on the left side.

One of the men asked the woman "What do you do if it's not hangin?"

She replys "Honey...that aint the day to go fishin!"
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Old 06-24-2004, 03:40 PM   #19
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BTW...we don't go FISHING in arkansas, we go FISHIN
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Old 06-24-2004, 04:08 PM   #20
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LOL But how does he know?!?!

I changed my avatar to a view of me in a dirty mirror. I probably should have cleaned it.
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Old 06-24-2004, 04:12 PM   #21
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Oh, that's a good one Stephanie!!

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Old 06-24-2004, 05:03 PM   #22
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Default A daily dose of laughter

Warning - Slightly risque. Dont read if easily offended! #3 is offered by my dh (it's cute, not risque)

1. What's white and 10 inches? NOTHING

2. I saw this bumper sticker the other day that made me chuckle:

Clinton believes that Monica has the cutest face he's ever come across!

3. A woman gave birth to twins while in a coma. When she awoke the nurse told her that she had given birth and that they had let her brother name the babies. "Oh NO! You didnt let my brother name them did you?" The nurse said yes the brother had indeed named them. The woman was mortified and desperately asked "Well, what did he name them?" The nurse replied, "He named the girl Denise". Relieved, the woman said, "Well that's okay, what did he name the boy?" "De Nephew"
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Old 06-24-2004, 05:45 PM   #23
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hehehe my hubby says "are you sure these are a bunch of stampers?"

hehehehehhe
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Old 06-24-2004, 07:02 PM   #24
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Default A blonde GUY joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again."

The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."


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Old 06-24-2004, 08:38 PM   #25
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Ladies, you crack me up!!!.....Love it!
That was a good one!
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Old 06-25-2004, 06:28 AM   #26
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A wealthy man carried on a lurid affair with an Italian woman for several
years. One night during one of their rendezvous she confided in him that
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
agreed to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to
secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he
promised to provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed to
this arrangement, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for his child support
payments to begin. One day about 9 month later, he came home from work to find his wife confused. Honey, she said, "You received the stangest post card today". What could it possibly mean? Give it to me to read, I'm sure I can explain it, he said. The wife obeyed and then watched as her husband read the card. His face grew dark, turned white, and then he fainted. She reached down and picked up the postcard. On it was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti and Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.
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Old 06-25-2004, 06:55 AM   #27
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Default You all are too funny!!!

Two snakes are sitting on a rock... one snake looks at the other snake and says, "Man, am I glad I'm not poisonous." The other snake says, "Why?" The first snake says, "Because I just bit my tongue."
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Old 06-25-2004, 06:57 AM   #28
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The snake joke is the funniest by far!! Thanks for the laugh!

Sherry
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Old 06-25-2004, 07:06 AM   #29
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This was written on a sign in front of a church in Houston:

Staying in bed shouting 'Oh, God' does not constitute going to church.

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Old 06-25-2004, 07:11 AM   #30
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Thanks for the snickers & giggles. LOVE the fishin' one!
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Old 06-25-2004, 07:23 AM   #31
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tee hee hee- love the spaghetti joke. you guys crack me up!

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Old 06-26-2004, 01:43 PM   #32
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A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear,"she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, ...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 AM, at St. Anthony's Memorial Chapel.
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Old 06-26-2004, 01:47 PM   #33
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heheheehe Charisma.. I heard that before but still funny!!
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Old 07-10-2004, 11:32 PM   #34
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I just saw this & had to post it.
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/68to...errif34324.jpg

That's one tough county!
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Old 07-11-2004, 01:36 AM   #35
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OMG! I loved that last one about the eyesight!
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Old 07-11-2004, 04:03 AM   #36
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I was crying, now that I can read again! I wish I'd seen this post a coupla days ago when I was so grumpy. I made sure to swallow my coffee before continuing to the next joke. I cannot tell jokes. Cannot remember them 5 minutes after they are told. I will ask a friend to repeat one I remember I liked, (return the favor with one of the above), and pass it on. This is great! Thanks Charisma.

We are watching Nemo for the 100th time..."fish are friends,not food." "With friends like this who needs anemones." What a great movie. And longer than an episode of Mr. Rogers too
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Old 07-15-2004, 06:39 AM   #37
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It took me a while to find a joke that could compete here!

Thanks to my wacky friend Evelene for sending this!

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a
photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother: "Thanks
for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look short."
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Old 07-15-2004, 06:48 AM   #38
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omg tammy that is so funny!
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Old 07-15-2004, 03:14 PM   #39
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Hee! That's great Tammy.

Anyway, here is my contribution. Totally G-rated.

Two men were on safari in the Serengeti, photographing animals in their natural habitat. They came across a leopard dining on her recent kill. One man put down his backpack and started to unpack his Reeboks. The other said, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a leopard!"

The man replied, "I don't need to outrun her, I need to outrun you."
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Old 07-19-2004, 10:04 PM   #40
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The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get
bigger and bigger the closer they get . . . then it hit me.
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