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Old 11-27-2012, 12:14 PM   #1
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Default Unsupportive Boyfriend

Do any of you out there have a boyfriend/husband that is unsupportive of your hobby? My boyfriend will never compliment me on anything I make, in fact he acts like its just ordinary stuff and will sometimes tell me it's ugly (though he says he's joking), and he makes comments like the stuff I do is for old women, not someone young. He says he feels like he's dating an 80 year old. Do any of you go through this? How do you deal with this?
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Old 11-27-2012, 12:25 PM   #2
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My DH jokes that he's married to an 80 year old sometimes too. But that's because his mom is the only one he knows that scrapbooks as much as I make cards.

He has met some of my friends that belong to my scrapbook group, though. But he is supportive and although he doesn't like to he does help me by critiquing my card or straightening it for me. He also sends me emails about how to take better pictures and he's working on an idea for a photo booth for me.

Plus my DH's hobby sometimes makes him seem like a kid because the only person I know other then him that plays video games so much is my nephew. Although DH plays PC games and my nephew plays console. I've also met some of his friends that play games as much as him.

And my DH's hobby has helped him learn more about architecture and game design which is something he does use to make additional income for our family.

Sorry your boyfriend isn't very supportive.
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Old 11-27-2012, 12:34 PM   #3
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Yeah my boyfriend is addicted to his xbox, he's almost 30 and I don't see anything wrong with that. It's just different because my ex-husband was EXTREMELY supportive. Very involved and everything!! And I loved and miss that!!
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Old 11-27-2012, 12:45 PM   #4
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DH never compliments me on a particular card, but he has asked me to make cards for different occasions, and he sometimes jokes about "keeping" a card I show him for an opinion. But he would NEVER make jokes about it. He knows it's theraputic for me.

IMO I'd have an honest talk with your boyfriend and tell him his comments are hurtful. Explain what papercrafting means to you, or what it does for your emotionally. You may even work in his X box--that's his hobby, like papercrafting is yours.

And make sure to tell him it's NOT a hobby for old women!
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Old 11-27-2012, 12:56 PM   #5
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I do, but he has his opinions... he's very outspoken on his thoughts. Oh well. It's not that it hurts so much, just that it's annoying!! He's very opinionated about some things, and mostly his opinions are asinine and wrong!!! Lol
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Old 11-28-2012, 07:12 AM   #6
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Your BF sounds mean-spirited and he's demeaning something that you value. I'd kick him to the curb if I were you...he's not going to become more sensitive as times goes on, you know?
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Old 11-28-2012, 08:31 AM   #7
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Yeah, he's not very sensitive and I'm sure never will be, lol. It's just annoying and I know some other ladies have had this issue, so I was just curious how they handled it.
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Old 11-28-2012, 09:48 AM   #8
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Yeah, he's not very sensitive and I'm sure never will be, lol. It's just annoying and I know some other ladies have had this issue, so I was just curious how they handled it.
Well, for me, I wouldn't tolerate it at all. They don't get better and if you are considering marrying him, I'd sure think twice about it.

Like others have already said, that is mean spirited and he's demeaning you.

Tell him to take a long trip. You sure deserved better than him.

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Old 11-28-2012, 10:47 AM   #9
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I'm definitely not marrying him anytime soon!! He is great in other ways, just doesn't understand why this hobby is so appealing to me!
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Old 11-28-2012, 10:51 AM   #10
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See.... I just don't get the whole XBox thing. That would drive me crazy.
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Old 11-28-2012, 11:04 AM   #11
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It doesn't bother me in the least. I will actually sit and watch him play for hours like I'm watching a movie or something. I'd rather him be at home playing xbox than out with other women like my last husband, lol!
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Old 11-28-2012, 04:31 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Cyndi_Ray View Post
Do any of you out there have a boyfriend/husband that is unsupportive of your hobby? My boyfriend will never compliment me on anything I make, in fact he acts like its just ordinary stuff and will sometimes tell me it's ugly (though he says he's joking), and he makes comments like the stuff I do is for old women, not someone young. He says he feels like he's dating an 80 year old. Do any of you go through this? How do you deal with this?
Wow! try re-reading what you wrote above. Maybe you don't see it but you boyfriend is insecure, immature and down right mean - just like the other ladies said. I read what you wrote and before I realized what I was doing, I said OUT LOUD "Wow, she needs to dump him!"

No matter how different your hobbies are, a mature man who's secure enough of himself would NEVER talk to anyone like that let alone some one he wants to spend time with. Even if he did think something you created is ugly - there are less spiteful and hurtful ways to express his opinion. He is very insecure and perhaps jealous - that you have a creative spirit and are brave enough to share it with him and/or others.

I myself have been in similar situations - dating men who frankly are so fearful of anything or anyone who may possess a character trait and/or talent they do not that they often put down the very people generous enough to see past their enormous shortcomings.

He thinks you are even more insecure than he is, so you would never stand up for yourself. Prove him wrong - tell him to stop it with the demeaning comments or he'll find himself talking to the back of your head as you are walking away from him permanently.

Always remember - you managed to get that boyfriend - so you WILL get another!!!
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Old 11-29-2012, 06:40 AM   #13
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You ladies are so right!! I've only had one other serious relationship and that was my exhusband and he was EXTREMELY supportive, while my friends boyfriends never were! So I guess I thought that my new boyfriend was the normal one for not being into scrapbooking and my exhusband was the weird one for being so into it!
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Old 11-29-2012, 07:06 AM   #14
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A guy doesn't need to be 'into' any of your hobbies, but he should be Respectful of your feelings and that should extend to being respectful toward what you choose to pursue in life. We're not talking about you doing something that could be harmful to you or to others...we're talking about your hobby, a passion of yours.

I seriously view his "jokes" thrown a you (his insulting comment about feeling he's dating an 80 year old woman) and his sloughing off his insults about your work as "jokes"...as a giant red flag...that he's laying the groundwork for becoming much more emotionally abusive toward you as time goes on.

He keeps insulting you and your work because he gets a payoff for saying those things and that payoff for him is that saying what he does - hurting you - makes him feel good. So there isn't anything "great" about him, in my opinion. And in my opinion, he didn't set the bar very high at all for the next guy you'd meet.

Life is a banquet, Cyndi, please don't settle for crumbs.
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Old 11-29-2012, 08:14 AM   #15
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Why does dating have to be so hard!!! It really sucks, especially after a divorce. And I was with my exhusband for 10 years which makes it harder!
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Old 11-29-2012, 08:26 AM   #16
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Life is a banquet, Cyndi, please don't settle for crumbs.
Thank you for that!!
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Old 11-29-2012, 10:00 AM   #17
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Disclaimer - Going to be blunt here.....

Why in the world would you want a boyfriend like this? Should have more respect for yourself that hanging around someone like this. You deal with it by showing him the door!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyndi_Ray View Post
Do any of you out there have a boyfriend/husband that is unsupportive of your hobby? My boyfriend will never compliment me on anything I make, in fact he acts like its just ordinary stuff and will sometimes tell me it's ugly (though he says he's joking), and he makes comments like the stuff I do is for old women, not someone young. He says he feels like he's dating an 80 year old. Do any of you go through this? How do you deal with this?
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Old 11-29-2012, 10:35 AM   #18
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very blunt, lol... I know, you're right. Him and I were amazing friends, I guess not so good as a couple. And he is AMAZING with my kids which they need after their dad abandoned us. I honestly do believe that if it weren't for how he treats my kids he would already be gone. Even as a couple, him and I are more like friends anyway, so I'm not really attached to him as a romantic partner. Basically a live in friend that helps with my kids. I guess thats why it doesn't hurt my feelings, it's just annoying.
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Old 11-29-2012, 12:18 PM   #19
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very blunt, lol... I know, you're right. Him and I were amazing friends, I guess not so good as a couple. And he is AMAZING with my kids which they need after their dad abandoned us. I honestly do believe that if it weren't for how he treats my kids he would already be gone. Even as a couple, him and I are more like friends anyway, so I'm not really attached to him as a romantic partner. Basically a live in friend that helps with my kids. I guess thats why it doesn't hurt my feelings, it's just annoying.
Personally, I think most of the posters are being too hard on you and your bf about the jokes regarding your hobby. JMO, though.

Now, the quoted post above is more of a concern than an issue with him not supporting your hobby. If you're really not attracted to him and you have more of a friendship(possibly why he feels its ok to tell be so blunt about how he feels about your hobby) then you need to consider that maybe things are not working.
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Old 11-29-2012, 12:36 PM   #20
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No I'M VERY attracted to him, and want more from him, but he says he's just not ready yet, so I don't push. He and I both got out of very emotionally devastating relationships not too long ago.
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:46 PM   #21
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Saying "He's just not ready yet." is a HUGE red flag for me. He'll probably never be ready for you, so let it go and be over him. I see way too many women wait around for years for nothing. And don't let your kids get attached to him, especially since he'll be out the door at some time. It will be too hard for them, once again. Also, I hate it when someone ranks down on someone and then says, "Oh, just joking." Well, it's not a joke and it's not funny. One of my son-in-laws does that to my daughter and it makes me so angry and I can't say anything to him about it. All of this is JMHO.
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Old 11-30-2012, 06:29 AM   #22
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Obviously I agree with Kate Stamps. I think it's only natural that when you have more life experiences (that's code for getting to be of a certain age...LOL) it's easier (for lack of a better word) to be able to recognize signs of trouble. We've got the benefit of age in the respect that we've experienced more and have come to know more of others' experiences along the way. I also think that the older someone gets the less apt they are to put up problematic people and situations. At least I hope so!

What I'm trying to get at is just like you know more now at 30 than you did when you were 20, you'll know more when your 40 than you do now. Etc.
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Old 11-30-2012, 06:56 AM   #23
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Cindi_Ray

Hang in there, I know dating is hard, especially when children are involved. One of the great things about getting older, is you learn to stand on your own two feet.

Having a man is not a requirement in life, it's gravy on your mashed potatoes. If the gravy doesn't taste right, scrape it off and stop eating it!
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Old 11-30-2012, 05:07 PM   #24
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It's been slowly getting better and progressing so we'll see where it goes. Anytime he "jokes" about my hobby, i am equally sarcastic back, its been working! I also like to prove him wrong. I designed a bracelet that i absolutely loved. I figured if loved it that much then i'm sure other people would too, so i decided to try to sell them. Well he told me not to, his words were "why would anyone want to do that when any 4 year old can make these" Well i took them to work and made about $250 profit that week... proved him wrong!!
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Old 12-01-2012, 08:45 AM   #25
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Congratulations on selling your creations! Now you have proof that your work is wonderful.
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Old 12-01-2012, 02:16 PM   #26
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Thank you!!
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Old 12-01-2012, 03:53 PM   #27
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Sounds like a lot of healing still needs to happen for you so not a good time to even be in a relationship. So sorry! My first thought when reading this was also...dump him! Seems so obvious to an outsider who has no idea what else is going on in your life. Even though your children need a father figure this doesn't sound like a healthly, supportive, positive relationship for you. Doesn't sound like a positive situation for your kids to witness either.

You totally are WORTH and DESERVE better!
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Old 12-01-2012, 07:00 PM   #28
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My husband used to make jokes like that about my work as well... he does have that kind of sense of humor, so I just stopped showing him what I made. However, as time went on and he heard comments from his mother, sister, etc about how much they loved my cards, and even wanted me to make packs for them as gifts, I think he realized he was wrong. Now, even though he never comes out and really compliments what I do, whenever we need a card he asks if I can make one, and even likes to help pick out the ones to give to his Mom, etc. So I think your success in selling your bracelets is a great way to show him that while he certainly is entitled to his opinion, not everyone agrees!
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Old 12-01-2012, 08:10 PM   #29
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Arlene, i definitely do need more healing and wasn't looking for a relationship, it just kinda happened since we were both friends and got along so great. As far as it being unhealthy for my kids if he does make comments in front of them, its usually something small like "look at your mom, she's such a nerd" when i'm sitting down reading a book. Never anything mean or hateful, just jokes. And my kids are better taken care of by him than their own father so i can appreciate a man that will raise 2 children that aren't his own! I think one of his issues is I'm the oldest girl he's ever dated. He's a tattoo artist (so you'd think he'd appreciate art) so he always had young groupie type girls around him constantly, the kind of girls that probably couldn't proofread the tattoos they were getting, so thats what he dated cause they were there and easy. Now I'm not stereotyping girls with tattoos at all, i have 13 of them, but i've always been told that when you meet me, you wouldn't guess that. So me being a girl with more interests than cheap liquor and partying is something he's not used to.

Joan, that's good that he finally changed his tune! I knew i couldnt be the only one out there with a significant other like this. The husband of one of an old scrapbooking friend of mine used to call her hobby crap-booking. She laughed it off. I mainly just tell him to hush and that i have my hobbies like he has his. He's actually mentioned before finding a bigger place so i had a room to put all my art stuff in.
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Old 12-01-2012, 10:51 PM   #30
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As far as it being unhealthy for my kids if he does make comments in front of them, its usually something small like "look at your mom, she's such a nerd" when i'm sitting down reading a book. Never anything mean or hateful, just jokes.
I nearly got engaged to a man like that, who put down the hobbies I had at the time because he thought they were silly and childish -- ironically, the same hobbies that led me to start publishing comics and to meet my husband (the hobby was being into manga and anime). He swept me off my feet at first, but in the long run, I'm very glad that we wound up parting ways. I don't think he'd care for the hobbies I have at all. And I'm sorry, but a lot of what I'm seeing you describe reminds me of him. And even though you might think the comments he makes are small, I'm reminded with my nieces and nephews that they're like sponges. They could easily turn around and tease classmates for being nerds, etc.

But my husband is very supportive. He doesn't always get what I'm doing, but he respects everything I do and thinks the cards I make are beautiful. He loves that I have a hobby that doesn't have me writing all the time, he's worried I'm too stressed because of work. And he's into video games as well. He was just out here playing the PS3 while I was browsing through the forums.

You can have the separate interests, and you can have the teasing jokes, but the respect needs to be there.

*hugs* Good luck with managing it.
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Old 12-02-2012, 02:36 AM   #31
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Arlene, i definitely do need more healing and wasn't looking for a relationship, it just kinda happened since we were both friends and got along so great. As far as it being unhealthy for my kids if he does make comments in front of them, its usually something small like "look at your mom, she's such a nerd" when i'm sitting down reading a book. Never anything mean or hateful, just jokes. And my kids are better taken care of by him than their own father so i can appreciate a man that will raise 2 children that aren't his own! I think one of his issues is I'm the oldest girl he's ever dated. He's a tattoo artist (so you'd think he'd appreciate art) so he always had young groupie type girls around him constantly, the kind of girls that probably couldn't proofread the tattoos they were getting, so thats what he dated cause they were there and easy. Now I'm not stereotyping girls with tattoos at all, i have 13 of them, but i've always been told that when you meet me, you wouldn't guess that. So me being a girl with more interests than cheap liquor and partying is something he's not used to.

Joan, that's good that he finally changed his tune! I knew i couldnt be the only one out there with a significant other like this. The husband of one of an old scrapbooking friend of mine used to call her hobby crap-booking. She laughed it off. I mainly just tell him to hush and that i have my hobbies like he has his. He's actually mentioned before finding a bigger place so i had a room to put all my art stuff in.
That is NOT small. I appreciate that he takes care of your kids but still...

Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that this relationship is OK.

I won't even get into the tattoo thing because I feel old at 55 for not understanding why anyone would ever want to have tattoos or body piercings other than "normal" earrings.

Because I am not in your situation, and don't have children, I'm now going to step away from this and wish you and your children well!
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Old 12-02-2012, 06:54 AM   #32
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Very good point Meg. We may not stay together forever, but i feel like everything happens for a reason so even if he isnt the one i end up with, he will have played a role in my life to at least teach me something valuable. I thought my exhusband was my soul mate but in the end he just ended up being a lesson. I just take it day by day and know in the end i will have ended up exactly where i am supposed to be. And the past couple days have actually been great. So we'll see
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Old 12-07-2012, 06:25 PM   #33
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Cyndi.... I have to say that you've taken all of our advice well. Some it was very "kick him to the curb now" and you responded well. I sure hope all works out good for you.... whatever that may be. Kate
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Old 12-08-2012, 09:39 AM   #34
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Thank you. I try to realize that everyone is entitled to their opinion and I asked for it, so no reason to get offended or defensive. I'm still at a crossroads on what to do and everything and all of you ladies and your wonderful advice weigh on my mind. I don't make decisions easily, never have. Like right now he is annoying the crap out of me... like literally right this second. So right now I want to drop kick him, lol. But later I might not want to. Who really knows, lol.
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