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dshaffer1976 08-22-2012 07:37 AM

Relationship advice needed...
 
Background: I left my husband 6 months ago. Marriage was over long ago...and I have been lonely for a long time. Got on an online dating website and met someone who I really enjoyed chatting with. We chatted every day for 6 weeks before meeting in person, mainly because he lived in a small town 3 hours from me. Single Dad (his wife left and moved across the country) with one son. I have 2 girls. All about the same age.

Things moved pretty quickly, and we chatted about moving in together if he moved to the city. His online profile said that he was planning on moving here this summer. He applied for a job (a transfer within the same organization) and got it. The day that he got the job, I found an envelope on his kitchen table I assumed was divorce papers - I opened it - and found out that he was in some serious debt and they were going to repo his vehicle.

We discussed this and he assured me that he was already talking to the bank and if he couldn't work out a deal with the bank then he would have to give the truck back and get a used car that he could afford.

Fast forward 5 weeks. He's moved to the city, his kid is driving me crazy and he's moved all his stuff into my house and yard. I kept questioning him about the vehicle but he said it was taken care of. Come to find out last Friday that the repo man found him and gave him until Monday to pay off the loan or have his truck taken away.

No surprise Monday the truck was repo'd and the boyfriend had to buy a $2500 car because a vehicle is a requirement of his job. When I asked, it turns out that he bought the car with a cash advance on his credit card...which already had $3000 in cash advances from previous stuff. I freaked out! I worked damn hard to get my finances in order so that when I left my husband I could support myself and my children. His decision making as far as finances are completely contrary to what I would do. He owns a boat, 2 ATV's and a travel trailer that he's still making payments on. Luckily I did make sure that we had a legal agreement before they moved in - like a pre-nup.

Anyway, the whole thing has been eating away at me because now that I know the full story (unless he's hiding something else, and he very well could be) then he can't afford to live the lifestyle that my girls and I live (and we aren't rich, but we aren't broke either) and he certainly wasn't able to finance a move to the city on his own. I thought I covered all my bases before we moved in together...I insisted on full financial disclosure, we talked about what debts we each had (he said that his truck would be paid off in a year...not that he was in default). I emphasized to him on more than one occasion that he should be moving because he wanted to...not moving for me. I am independent and didn't have a problem with him being 3 hours away...we saw eachother every couple of weeks and I was okay with that for now.

Last night I asked him...if I hadn't offered to let you move in if you came to the city, would you have applied for that transfer? and his answer was no, that he would have stayed where he was. He also confessed that he just said in his profile that he was moving because no one would even give a relationship with him a chance because he was 3 hours away.

So, here is where I am at now. I feel betrayed, used and duped. I'm not even sure he did it consciously, or if he just wanted someone to love so much that he said what he need to get here and just left the rest out. My problem is that I asked, and asked and made a big deal about honesty. I want to tell him and his kid to find somewhere else to live. Problem is, now that I know his financial situation, I know that things would be supertight for him here in the city. Moving home isn't an option for him.

We've only been "together" officially for 4 months and with this much turmoil already I just want to let it go. What do I do? We're both mid-30's. I want to give him 6 weeks to get out, but I don't want to be mean. On one hand, I know that it's not my responsibility to take care of his money problems, on the other hand I feel responsible because if I had asked the right questions we wouldn't be in this mess.

Anyone have any advice.

pjl-ny 08-22-2012 10:30 AM

Ummmmmmmm, you were used, duped and betrayed. And I think this man will continue to do so as long as you allow it. Remember, it's not only you but your 2 daughters who will also be affected by this situation. Giving him 6 weeks to get out is not mean; I think it's quite generous. If you don't end it sometime, you can be sure he won't. Why would he? He's got a place to stay and someone to help with his child.

I say get out....the sooner the better. Staying in will only cost you more in the long run......more stress, more unhappiness, and possibly more $$. Stop allowing yourself to be lied to and manipulated by him.

dshaffer1976 08-22-2012 11:11 AM

Thanks so much for your response Pam. Sometimes, you just want an uninvolved 3rd party to check out the situation.

I did a lot of counselling to not feel guilty for wanting to leave my husband. Now I'm fighting feeling guilty for what's happened here. Thankfully, the counsellor had an opening this week. After this mess gets sorted out, I am not letting anyone...and I mean anyone..move into my house.

The next housemate I get will be my old widowed girlfriends so we can be like the Golden Girls!

Kate Stamps 08-22-2012 07:18 PM

I'd say cut your losses as soon as possible. One month would seem sufficient to me. You are not obligated to him at all due to his dishonesty with you. (That's called "lying".) Get you and especially your girls away from him. He made his own decision about moving based on what he thought he could get, not on honesty. I know this sounds rather harsh but dump him and start your life anew.

dshaffer1976 08-22-2012 07:30 PM

Thanks for your honest Kate. I couldn't go on feeling like this any longer. We talked tonight after dinner and he's left already. I basically said that I think we moved too fast and I want to take a step back, including them getting their own place. He's gone now and is looking for storage for his stuff. I know I made the right decision for me and my girls, I just wish it didn't hurt so much. Ah well, live and learn. Thanks again

vz5dzh 08-23-2012 03:00 AM

It definitely sounds like you did the right thing.

I think you probably could've worked past the financial issues if he hadn't hidden them from you.

Metalcharm 08-23-2012 03:06 AM

As far as I'm concerned you did ask the right questions ,,, he just didn't answer them.
"I insisted on full financial disclosure, we talked about what debts we each had (he said that his truck would be paid off in a year...not that he was in default). "
You have nothing to be guilty or responsible about (apart from having a kind heart!) since he had already said he was going to move and about his finances.

I know I'm not telling you anything you don't know but you and your girls are your priority and you must protect them and not give up any of your financial independance that you worked so hard to get.

stamper1996 08-24-2012 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pjl-ny (Post 19634999)
Ummmmmmmm, you were used, duped and betrayed. And I think this man will continue to do so as long as you allow it. Remember, it's not only you but your 2 daughters who will also be affected by this situation. Giving him 6 weeks to get out is not mean; I think it's quite generous. If you don't end it sometime, you can be sure he won't. Why would he? He's got a place to stay and someone to help with his child.

I say get out....the sooner the better. Staying in will only cost you more in the long run......more stress, more unhappiness, and possibly more $$. Stop allowing yourself to be lied to and manipulated by him.

ITA with the above. I'd say give him four weeks--that's plenty of time to find another place and move. Be firm and stand your ground.

Hugs to you.

SophieLaFontaine 08-30-2012 05:42 PM

I woulda said to dump him too. What a user. I'm glad that he's already left.

misshelenstamps 09-15-2012 07:32 AM

run! don't go from one bad situation into another!
I say this with kindness!

AllyB 10-08-2012 01:15 PM

after a divorce its hard to pull every thing together and get financially "right" ...he lied to you ..its early enough to kick his backside out ! well done for sticking to your guns.. It may hurt now but it would have hurt a whole lot worse later on when he dragged you down too ! Go girl !!

caterinafmig 10-17-2012 06:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dshaffer1976 (Post 19635979)
Thanks for your honest Kate. I couldn't go on feeling like this any longer. We talked tonight after dinner and he's left already. I basically said that I think we moved too fast and I want to take a step back, including them getting their own place. He's gone now and is looking for storage for his stuff. I know I made the right decision for me and my girls, I just wish it didn't hurt so much. Ah well, live and learn. Thanks again


You did the right thing sweetie and the hurt is normal - it shows you are a caring person. Nearly had a similar experience nearly 30 years ago and thankful to God that I saw the warning signs quickly and got out before it really got started.

Please be extra careful for your are vulnerable right now with your hurt feelings so give yourself lots of time to realize how very valuable you are. <3

charlalei 11-17-2012 10:44 PM

I think dating so soon after a divorce is tricky in the best of situations. I've been divorced for five years now and for the first couple of years, I did date some. But in the end, I realized that I just don't want that. Maybe I'm still not ready, I don't know? It doesn't feel like that but who knows. But I have a daughter and until she's older, I am fully and 100% committed to her development. Bringing someone into our house doesn't fall in line with what I want for her.

Please do not take what I'm saying as critical, because it is stemming from childhood pain. But my mother was a single mom for most of my growing up years (age 4-14). I remember how she would fall for a guy, we would spend tons of time with him and his family, but inevitably the relationship would end and I would hurt so much. I thought I was getting a new father-figure and siblings only to have them leave over and over again.

So while I would have cautioned you about moving someone in so quickly, I agree with the others that said you were smart to end it when you did. Debt can be a relationship killer and you've worked hard to get what you have. And can I just commend you for getting your legal ducks in a row before letting him move in. Smart lady!

Westwind 11-22-2012 05:12 PM

Loose the guy before you invest anymore of your time.

MegsLeigh 11-22-2012 06:09 PM

I agree with the others. I saw my mom fall into bad relationship after bad relationship after she and my dad divorced, and I don't want to see the same thing happen to others. I'm sorry that you're hurting, but I'm glad you ended it when you did. In the long run, it'll be so much healthier for your and your daughters.


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