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jeannemello 11-24-2012 01:05 PM

He Can't Drive Anymore
 
My FIL must not drive anymore. He's gotten very feeble in the last few months; but he insists he can drive. We've got the keys right now- DH is concerned he'll have a coronary beause he'll get so mad when we tell him he can't drive anymore. Any suggestions? or what woked for you?

Nanettesplace 11-24-2012 02:33 PM

for my FIL we took his keys and told him he lost them - no spares could be found. We also new some police officers and we had them tell him he could not drive anymore. For my Dad we didn't renew his license and told him he didn't pass the test. He didn't remember he didn't even take the test. He has Alzheimer's.

edie453 11-24-2012 04:08 PM

Short version, in CA, you can write to the DMV and the driver will be required to report to a local DMV for a driving test, etc. This takes months, or it did 10 years ago, now it may take forever until never.
Best wishes, this is so difficult. We see a dangerous driver, they see the loss of their independence. It's not easy parenting a parent.

jeannemello 11-25-2012 08:52 AM

Thank you both- we do have his keys- but he's already asked about a locksmith. And when we tell him he can't have them back- we expect fireworks.

missiowa81 11-25-2012 09:30 AM

In a recent case of a family member, it was the physician who broke the bad news that driving was no longer an option. If your FIL really is too feeble to be driving, his doctor will back you up. Schedule an appointment, and talk to the doctor in advance about your concerns. Let the doctor know the purpose of the appointment: to evaluate whether your FIL has the skills still needed to drive: reflexes, response times, flexibility, strength in his legs (i.e., to slam on the brakes), eyesight, etc. The doctor can do this kind of assessment without making it obvious, if you think that is necessary.

Sometimes hearing it from a non-family member, and from a professional, carries more impact. Your FIL still won't be happy about it, but at least he can blame the doctor for being the bad guy.

Good luck! I think this is one of hardest issues when dealing with an aging parent.

NancyJ 11-25-2012 02:14 PM

I agree with missiowa81. I asked my mother's doctor to tell her that driving wasn't possible for her anymore. The doctor did a great job acting as if it was her idea and my mother never blamed me.

jeannemello 11-26-2012 08:19 AM

Thanks mssiowa81-
my MIL has suggested we make an appt- FIL says he doesn't need to see the dr. He's gotten very contrary- another sign to me that
1. Its more than just age
2. He shouldnt be out driving.
I'm off work this week- I get to take him on his "errands" today and I'll try again abt a dr visit.

SkyNacho 11-26-2012 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeannemello (Post 19846247)
Thank you both- we do have his keys- but he's already asked about a locksmith. And when we tell him he can't have them back- we expect fireworks.

How old is his vehicle? Mine is a 2001 and its antitheft system prevents it from starting without an original (or dealer replaced) key. In fact, when a component of the antitheft system went bad, I had trouble with the car refusing to start at random times. This may be true for all newer models, to prevent theft with a stripped key. So... if you do some quick googling to find out about the car, you may be able to honestly tell him that the locksmith will do him no good.

missiowa81 11-26-2012 02:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeannemello (Post 19847988)
Thanks mssiowa81-
my MIL has suggested we make an appt- FIL says he doesn't need to see the dr. He's gotten very contrary- another sign to me that
1. Its more than just age
2. He shouldnt be out driving.
I'm off work this week- I get to take him on his "errands" today and I'll try again abt a dr visit.

Personality changes can be an early sign of other issues.

Does your FIL need a flu shot? Is it almost time for his meds to be renewed (if he takes any)? Anything to get him into the doctor's office where the doctor can just "casually" talk to him about his health in general and hopefully make an assessment about his driving.

At least you have your MIL's backing.

Have fun on your errands. :p

Junnee 12-03-2012 06:05 PM

In our case with my MIL the Dr.offered to be the one to take the blame and he handled it calmly and so well.My MIL was going through red lights and all sorts of things.You have to think of other people on the road how would you feel if he hurt someones family.Hang in there it is a tough road.Good luck

PJill 12-05-2012 09:02 PM

My mom had several strokes along with dementia. She didn't realize how dangerous she was. She had a couple of accidents that were 100% her fault yet she convinced herself that the "cop must have known the other guy" because SHE got the ticket that he deserved. I tried talking to her, had her doctor talk to her and her physical therapist talk to her. She always agreed but said she "would NEVER drive if she thought it could hurts someone." However, "Right now I am a good driver." We took the keys. She got mad and somehow found a spare set. Finally, my cousin went over and "fixed" her car for her. He then told her about the parts she needed and how "expensive" they were. The car then sat in the garage for the next year since she didn't have the 'money' to repair it. It seemed so dishonest and I felt like the lying, evil daughter from hell, but as I saw her rapidly decline in mental and physical condition, I knew I had made the right choice. Because there was really nobody to 'blame', we never had to argue or hurt her pride. Til the day she died she proudly pulled out her drivers license (expired several years previously) and showed everyone telling them what a good driver the doctors say she is. Good luck. Let us know if you come up with a good solution.

Granny Hawkins 12-12-2012 01:16 PM

I lucked out.

I was scared to death for my mother to continue driving.

She was taking several meds and the one for Fibro made her sleepy and sometimes dizzy.

I told her she had a choice....

Continue to take the meds,feel good but no longer drive or stop the meds,HURT and drive.

She did not like it but let me take the car.

HERE is the KICKER....

TWO weeks later I rear ended a truck in her car....LOL

edie453 12-12-2012 01:59 PM

Granny Hawinks.....I laughed out loud...does that make me a bad person? It is so ironic and sounds like something that might happen to me. It is not easy parenting a parent....

Granny Hawkins 12-12-2012 02:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edie453 (Post 19881031)
Granny Hawinks.....I laughed out loud...does that make me a bad person? It is so ironic and sounds like something that might happen to me. It is not easy parenting a parent....


You CAN laugh!

missiowa81 12-12-2012 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Granny Hawkins (Post 19880962)
I lucked out.

I was scared to death for my mother to continue driving.
She was taking several meds and the one for Fibro made her sleepy and sometimes dizzy.
I told her she had a choice....
Continue to take the meds,feel good but no longer drive or stop the meds,HURT and drive.
She did not like it but let me take the car.

HERE is the KICKER....

TWO weeks later I rear ended a truck in her car....LOL

Talk about 'car'ma. :p

Novell 12-13-2012 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by missiowa81 (Post 19881128)
Talk about 'car'ma. :p

haha! That's about as funny as Granny's story! LOL


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