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-   -   Divorce~ a new thread to chat!! (http://www.splitcoaststampers.com/forums/family-matters-f64/divorce%7E-new-thread-chat-t525579.html)

hedgiemama 04-11-2011 05:19 PM

Divorce~ a new thread to chat!!
 
Hello!
There have been an overwhelming number of requests to continue a thread supporting those going through divorce. I myself have and know many who have experienced this. Please chime in, if you feel comfortable. No pressure.

I encourage anyone who is currently in the midst of it all to post....you will be surprised at the support and love you will receive. SCS is the best!:D

hedgiemama 04-11-2011 05:35 PM

I experienced a very difficult divorce. I still 3 years later was posting about further court dates with him not paying, etc...Please know you can share if you wish to. WE are here.:D

hedgiemama 04-11-2011 05:57 PM

The SCSers are such a supportive group. Please don't hesitate to join in or just read if you prefer!

KalaKitty 04-11-2011 10:33 PM

How recent of a divorce are we talking here? I was with someone for 30 years (yes I was a child when we got together;-) I'm really not that old). We split up 5 years ago. It was messy and I still haven't recovered from the whole thing.

hedgiemama 04-12-2011 01:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KalaKitty (Post 18190927)
How recent of a divorce are we talking here? I was with someone for 30 years (yes I was a child when we got together;-) I'm really not that old). We split up 5 years ago. It was messy and I still haven't recovered from the whole thing.

There are quite a few who are just beginning the process. Also, others like you who need to chat about their circumstances. It is a long process, isn't it. I still have waves of it....been 3 years. You probably have lots to share with ppl who may post who are just starting the whole deal.

cletracloversgirl 04-12-2011 03:06 AM

Karen...thank you so much for making a new thread...Divorce is a VERY long process. It affects everyone especially the children. I have been divorced for 5 years, I have 4 children and have recently gotten married to a wonderful man. The kids have been through the mill and back....they are coming along it is a day by day process...Hang in there..Karen thanks again!
Time heals wounds....for some, it takes more time than it does others....

Taishea

christina.kavitz 04-12-2011 03:53 AM

Hi Everyone
I am one of those who is just starting this process. My husband just left me in December. We were together for 12 years and married 8. I am still in shock and feel so hurt. He has no real reason for leaving. He said we have both changed. Well, we are suppose to grow together! I am just so confused. Thanks for listening.

hedgiemama 04-12-2011 11:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by christina.kavitz (Post 18191297)
Hi Everyone
I am one of those who is just starting this process. My husband just left me in December. We were together for 12 years and married 8. I am still in shock and feel so hurt. He has no real reason for leaving. He said we have both changed. Well, we are suppose to grow together! I am just so confused. Thanks for listening.

Christina I am so sorry for what you are going through. You will make it that is for sure. It has to hurt so much. Did you two try counseling at all? Or are you going? That can help a lot. It takes the edge off of that confused/dazed feeling. My counselor helped me put things in perspective, little by little. Depending on where I was. I would move forward, then sometimes go backwards....

Ladies, I am open to a more creative names for our new thread. I made it basic so ppl could find us. But if anyone wants a new name that is just fine!

duranfan 04-12-2011 02:06 PM

I'm so glad this is here! I plan to have a very difficult conversation with my husband tonight. Probably long overdue. We have 3 kids, and I've stayed a llong time for their sake, but it takes 2 to make a marriage work, and only one of us seems interested.

jenguin 04-12-2011 02:22 PM

Hi Ladies,
I've been at this for 3 years and finally going to trial in May. Then it will be done, done, done!
I am happy to give specific advice/lessons learned to some of you who are new to this whole thing.

My tips for the week:
1.Get the absolute best attorney you can. Ask everyone for referrals. Put the retainer on a credit card or borrow it from parents. I tend to like larger firms better than a solo operation because of one reason - they don't "need" to drag out your case in order to pay the bills.
2. The quicker you can get it done - the better.

jenguin 04-12-2011 02:22 PM

Good luck Duran! We're here for you either way....I hope it works out for the best for you and your kids.

jenguin 04-12-2011 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by christina.kavitz (Post 18191297)
Hi Everyone
I am one of those who is just starting this process. My husband just left me in December. We were together for 12 years and married 8. I am still in shock and feel so hurt. He has no real reason for leaving. He said we have both changed. Well, we are suppose to grow together! I am just so confused. Thanks for listening.

Hang in there and PM me if you want to chat. I'm one state over. :)

jenguin 04-12-2011 02:27 PM

And to all of you lurkers, I'm sorry but if he tells you that he's just not in love with you anymore or has changed, there is probably (more often than not) another woman involved. Most men (not all) just don't have the courage to leave on their own. Sad but true.

christina.kavitz 04-12-2011 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hedgiemama (Post 18193499)
Christina I am so sorry for what you are going through. You will make it that is for sure. It has to hurt so much. Did you two try counseling at all? Or are you going? That can help a lot. It takes the edge off of that confused/dazed feeling. My counselor helped me put things in perspective, little by little. Depending on where I was. I would move forward, then sometimes go backwards....

Ladies, I am open to a more creative names for our new thread. I made it basic so ppl could find us. But if anyone wants a new name that is just fine!

I am going to counseling myself. I asked him to go to counseling and he said he didn't want to. He doesn't seem to want to make it work.

duranfan 04-12-2011 02:45 PM

Thanks, Jen!

Birgit 04-12-2011 07:42 PM

Christina, I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. Surround yourself with friends and loved ones that support you. And definitely, find yourself a good counsellor to talk with and that you click with...and keep in mind, sometimes the first one or even the second one may not work out. You will have good days and bad days, but eventually the good days will out number the bad.

christina.kavitz 04-13-2011 03:55 AM

Thanks so much Birgit

scrappingramma 04-13-2011 04:37 AM

Hello Ladies !!! Thanks so much for starting this new thread Karen, there is a need for it. I've been divorced from my first husband for 18 years (2 grown children), and from my second husband for 7 years (sadly he passed away 2 years ago). I married my DH in 2007 and couldn't be happier.

The ladies here are a good sounding board, they have good advice to help you through the process. You can come here to vent about anything, ask advice, etc.

hedgiemama 04-13-2011 06:25 AM

Duran-As Jen already said, wishing you the best possible outcome for you. Whatever that may be.

I also, suggest getting a lawyer lined up now, in the event you need one. There was a time when I grew weary and started not to care what I ended up with. Just wanted it overwith. That was exhaustion talking.

The lawyer remained unemotional and saw to it I was are treated fairly in the division. I now am so thankful that he made me stick to a plan that looked out for my best interests.

duranfan 04-14-2011 09:26 AM

i have a lawyer already. dh is begging me for another chance, and said it was all on him to fix. it took every ounce of strength to tell him i wanted out, and he's pleading with me and saying it's all on him to fix. even tried to kiss me good bye the next morning. WTH?!!! i put my hand up, and said i needed space. i want him to move out, but he won't (didn't expect him to). we've been here before- he may try really hard for a few weeks, but where will we be 6 months from now? i can't go through this again!

christina.kavitz 04-14-2011 09:45 AM

I have a husband who told me he wants a divorce in December but hasn't filed for one yet! It is so frustrating. I have a lawyer lined up in case I need him.

duranfan 04-14-2011 11:08 AM

i think being under the same roof is going to make it even harder to work it out. i really don't want to be around him. in order for him to really take me seriously, i will probably have to go ahead and file, even if we end up together.

hedgiemama 04-15-2011 05:38 PM

Duranfan, I would agree. Is there any way you could find some separation..?
You could stay with the children he could find a place? This sounds like a situation where space is needed for sure...I felt the same way.;)

duranfan 04-16-2011 05:42 AM

I've asked a few times to leave, but he won't. He said last night he didnt know how to act around me. I pointed out that that is why it would be good for us to separate!

jenguin 04-16-2011 07:55 AM

Duran - don't you leave that house with those kids!

There are lots of father's rights groups and lawyers who are recommending to dads to stay put and not leave so they have a better chance to keep the house AND custody of the kids. If you leave with the kids without being in agreement (written up) then he may charge you with kidnapping. And if you leave without the kids, he will probably get custody.

Of course it varies by state, but be very careful!

hedgiemama 04-17-2011 07:12 AM

Jen- Excellent point, don't leave the home. Unless there is abuse, then take the children and yourself and go to a shelter. They will help you from there. In this case, the law will work in your favor, in regards to leaving.

duranfan 04-18-2011 07:43 AM

Have no fear- I'm going nowhere without those kids! It's not feasable to leave with them, so I'll stay put! We're trying to work things out. Thanks so much for the support!

jenguin 04-19-2011 01:07 PM

I hope it works out for you! Wish I had had the chance to save my marriage!

christina.kavitz 04-19-2011 03:28 PM

Me too but he isn't wanting any counseling

hedgiemama 04-19-2011 04:54 PM

Mine had problems he alone had to address, which I offered to support him on one hundred percent and we needed marital counseling. He declined both. I really thought at some point during the process he would come around. But, he did not.

If both are willing to try, that is great! Wasn't the case for me either.

BTW, some things have bubbled up to the surface for me lately. I won't bore you, but just want to point out it is a long process and not to get down on yourselves. My counselor has been great in helping me understand what is going on.

christina.kavitz 04-19-2011 06:55 PM

I've really been down lately, I just wonder when it starts to get easier.

hedgiemama 04-20-2011 06:24 AM

My first feelings of relief were when I had a lawyer set up, I had the necessary paperwork in place, I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders as I knew I had help and support. I saw my counselor regularly. And, the decison was made. I almost felt like I was floating compared to the initial heaviness.

From then, on there were ups and downs, but nothing quite as severe as the initial shock and making the decision to do it. Have you started the process yet? Hang in there, it will get better.

KalaKitty 04-20-2011 01:07 PM

My ex and I were seeing a marriage counselor and trying to work things out. Or so I thought until I found out my ex was still seeing the "other woman" and lying to both me and the counselor.

jenguin 04-20-2011 01:16 PM

So sorry to you gals that are hurting. It really sucks.

Mine didn't want counseling either. I knew about the affair. Knew who she was too. He continued to deny it all through the process. Even now he denies it. I think if he admitted it to himself he'd have to acknowledge that he is the one in the wrong, not me. Sure, our marriage needed work -whose doesn't? We had little kids, he traveled extensively for work, and frankly I was exhausted all the time - he never once helped out around the house. I was a maid and babysitter. He is not a nice man. He had no problem leaving us. He became an atheist, which justified his decisions in his mind. Funny how his GF is an evangelical Christian and they have no trouble/problems going to church together.

My divorce is almost over, going on three years. We are doing a last ditch mediation and then going to a one day trial. All through this process he has continued to be the narcissit that he was - he has refused to negotiate, spent down the marital assets and thinks he is above and beyond reproach.

I took the high road and tried to do mediation but boy do I wish I hadn't done that and gone straight for a trial.

I am so glad the whole thing is coming to an end so I can concentrate on me for a change.

christina.kavitz 04-20-2011 02:56 PM

My husband hasn't filed for the divorce yet. I have found a lawyer who said he would represent me if needed. I think I will definitely use him. I feel like I am already being taken advantage of. Supposedly our taxes were done but I never signed anything. He must have signed my name which makes me very upset. I don't know when he is going to file but I will be happy when he does.


Quote:

Originally Posted by hedgiemama (Post 18226787)
My first feelings of relief were when I had a lawyer set up, I had the necessary paperwork in place, I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders as I knew I had help and support. I saw my counselor regularly. And, the decison was made. I almost felt like I was floating compared to the initial heaviness.

From then, on there were ups and downs, but nothing quite as severe as the initial shock and making the decision to do it. Have you started the process yet? Hang in there, it will get better.


hedgiemama 04-21-2011 12:19 AM

You could file, if you wanted things to move forward?

christina.kavitz 04-21-2011 09:58 AM

I just dont have the money.

cletracloversgirl 04-21-2011 11:27 AM

Christina,

I know how you feel...I did not have the money either.....I still cannot fight the fact that the x still owes me a very large amount of money. Maybe you could talk to an attorney and see if they would take payments...or have it that the stbx pays the court costs....contact an attorney they usually have the first session free...consultation....hang in there something will work out....Taishea

cletracloversgirl 04-21-2011 11:33 AM

I think the thing that is a lingering hurt for me even after 10 years..( 5 years cheating on me amd 5 years post divorce) is the fact that the person he mainly cheated on me with was a person I considered a friend at one point acts like NOTHING that happened was wrong..and the person he married , they treat me like I was the other woman! I have never had an answer to any of the questions I have asked...I only got blamed because it was easier that way.......it hurts that I never had the justification of the truth.........Taishea

Gizelabella 04-22-2011 11:27 AM

I'm not divorced but would just like to put it out there that my husband and I found hope and forgivness through Retrouvaille. We tried counseling and it was a wonderful thing for me, not our marriage, but for my self esteem. We found Retrouvaille through a friend and feel very blessed to have the second chance we have, I agreed to it with the mind set that if that was something I could hold onto going forward in saying that we truly tried everything, that in itself would be worth it. I really wanted to be able to tell my children we tried when they asked. We will celebrate our 20th Anniversary this year and we both feel very fortunate that we can say that. Sending much love and friendship {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}} all of your way!! May your Easter weekend be full of peace and understanding, much love!!XO


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