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Old 10-23-2010, 09:08 AM   #1
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Default preteens and teenagers....Why are they so mean and is there hope?

Hi ladies...I know that many of you have or have had teens..I have 3 in the house right n ow. Two sons and a daughter....The oldest is pretty down to earth and really is nor has been a problem with his mouth...however...the other tow are acting just horrible. I feel like a total and complete failure as a parent when it comes to the kids...


The son si 14 and is so verbally mean that I am in tears.....just the other day he told me "...to leave him the he.. alone and that I am pi$$ing him off...after telling me to shut up because I wanted the other kids to have the bus wait a moment while he got his shoes on...He shows nor feels any remorse and really feel that he is doing NOTHING wrong....Yet I continue to tryt o be supportive and loving....it is so hard right now.....

My daughter thinks I do not love her because she does not have a cell phone nor is she in a sport right now.....I have been trying be more assertive on how she speaks and acts with me and her 3 brothers and stop dad...she just told me that she does not want me to touch her and certainly does not want a hug from me....It breaks my heart...I want to have happy obedient children...children that love me and the other ppl in our lives...Is the hope that I will have this in my life....please help if possible..thanks in advance...Taishea
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Old 10-23-2010, 09:50 AM   #2
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Taishea---i know you probably don't want to hear it, but it is a phase, more than likely. I have a 20 yo girl, 15 yo boy and 11(almost 12)yo boy. The two boys can be downright mean to each other at sometimes. Hugs and kisses from me no more, sometimes hugs, but no kisses(makes me very sad) The oldest girl used to be mean to the middle one, but I put my foot down and said enough is enough---had some consequences for her actions and she has mellowed out with age and being away at college.
As far as not giving them what they want, well that is part of parenting---you can't always get what you want, right?

The part about not ever doing anything wrong, oh yeah, we are in that right now big time with the 15 year old---I am just keep on, keeping on. I know he will come out of it someday.
In fact, my wise mother---who raised 4 boys and then me, said that boys just one day turn it off---the attitude goes away just like that. I am hoping for that day to come soon.
Girls on the other hand, attitude earlier and for much longer, LOL.

Keep doing what you're doing, know that they probably have alot going on in their lives right now, in school and friends, tough ages and all that.
It will get better, it has too!
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Old 10-23-2010, 12:34 PM   #3
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you simply do the best you can. Establish boundaries and enforce them. Behavior has consequences..both good and bad. There's only so much you can do, they will be who they are going to be no matter what you do. My sons are almost 25 and 23, and they hated each other growing up...HATED ! Now they are on their own, working and paying bills, and they like each other again. It's hard to see it now, but they will grow up and leave, and you will miss them. Chin up, and make sure you take time for you in all this. Let the step dad handle them for a day. They were part of the package deal, right ?
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Old 10-23-2010, 03:16 PM   #4
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This is going to be really hard to hear, and I am sorry. But supportive and loving only works when the recipient is also doing that. If your son and/ or daughter is speaking to you that way, s/he has lost the right to perks. It is your duty to see that s/he has clothing to keep them warm, enough calories, education, and a roof over his/her head. Anything else is a perk. Don't be mean or nasty, but you must let them know who is in charge, and it is NOT THEM!!!

I told my teen when she got nasty that she had to earn her privileges (delicious food, car rides to school, fashionable clothing, allowance, cell phone, social life, privacy [except in the bathroom or shower]) by being courteous, cooperative, and by adhering to the standards of our home. Otherwise, she got liver n onions, the school bus, hand-me-downs, no door to her room (she had some other behavior issues which privacy did NOT help with), and a lot of time at home with no phone or computer/internet access. She shaped up pretty quick.

It sounds like they need to realize that you are their parent, not their friend.

I hope this wasn't harsh, or blameful. Also hope it helps.
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Old 10-27-2010, 12:35 PM   #5
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chef2die4 has some excellent advice! Teens need consistency and they need a parent, not a friend. Let them know who is boss and that you will not tolerate bad behavior or disrespect. Every kid has currency - you need to find theirs and take it away - one piece at a time untilt hey shape up.

Take heart - they DO get better, but sometimes they get worse first! Mine are now 28 and 24, and I have a great time wiht them. But it wasn't always easy!
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Old 10-28-2010, 09:16 AM   #6
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Take the door off of their rooms. When my oldest started getting mouthy, I threatened to take away her privacy. Worked like a charm. She knew I meant it and I would have taken it off if she didn't obey our rules. She is now almost 15 and we get along great.

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Old 10-28-2010, 01:00 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by chef2die4 View Post
This is going to be really hard to hear, and I am sorry. But supportive and loving only works when the recipient is also doing that. If your son and/ or daughter is speaking to you that way, s/he has lost the right to perks. It is your duty to see that s/he has clothing to keep them warm, enough calories, education, and a roof over his/her head. Anything else is a perk. Don't be mean or nasty, but you must let them know who is in charge, and it is NOT THEM!!!

I told my teen when she got nasty that she had to earn her privileges (delicious food, car rides to school, fashionable clothing, allowance, cell phone, social life, privacy [except in the bathroom or shower]) by being courteous, cooperative, and by adhering to the standards of our home. Otherwise, she got liver n onions, the school bus, hand-me-downs, no door to her room (she had some other behavior issues which privacy did NOT help with), and a lot of time at home with no phone or computer/internet access. She shaped up pretty quick.

It sounds like they need to realize that you are their parent, not their friend.

I hope this wasn't harsh, or blameful. Also hope it helps.
This is all good! My kids are raised and have kids of their own, one's already a teenager. They never doubted that I was the one in charge.

Lois
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Old 11-02-2010, 03:24 AM   #8
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Thanks ladies for all the input.
My kids really are at the point where you guys "punish" your kids. We live in the country so there is no cell service...so no cell phones....
we live in a very small house and I had to make a "wall" between dd room and ds room...privacy...little to none......
I have never proclaimed to be their friend....they want that from me ( I think because their dad and step mom act like that) and quite frankly I believe that most of the problem come from the dad and his wife...she has a DD that has EVERYTHING that my DD wants...so my DD thought she could bully her way to get all that her step sister has...I am firm with boundaries..and have even given her and ds the option of going to their dad's house for the material things they want....which might be the total wrong thing to do, however they do have the choice....DS is better for the moment...DD is still trying to find her path in our family....Thank you so much for all the advise....I am not offended...however our lifestyle already has all or most of the limitations you all suggested.....any other suggestions are welcome...Taishea
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Old 11-02-2010, 03:29 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chef2die4 View Post
This is going to be really hard to hear, and I am sorry. But supportive and loving only works when the recipient is also doing that. If your son and/ or daughter is speaking to you that way, s/he has lost the right to perks. It is your duty to see that s/he has clothing to keep them warm, enough calories, education, and a roof over his/her head. Anything else is a perk. Don't be mean or nasty, but you must let them know who is in charge, and it is NOT THEM!!!

I told my teen when she got nasty that she had to earn her privileges (delicious food, car rides to school, fashionable clothing, allowance, cell phone, social life, privacy [except in the bathroom or shower]) by being courteous, cooperative, and by adhering to the standards of our home. Otherwise, she got liver n onions, the school bus, hand-me-downs, no door to her room (she had some other behavior issues which privacy did NOT help with), and a lot of time at home with no phone or computer/internet access. She shaped up pretty quick.

It sounds like they need to realize that you are their parent, not their friend.

I hope this wasn't harsh, or blameful. Also hope it helps.
Thanks Heather.....I guess I tried the "supportive and loving route because she was always telling me how poorly I am doing and that I should support her and be there for her...there is alot of drama at school with her and several girls....so I try to listen to her woes and still give constructive advise....it is hard to have them trust you with THEIR everyday life and when she does talk I need to be there for her....she has a couple of chores...which she really tried to get out of...that is when she is the worst.....then she gets into trouble.....
internet...the kids have very limited access to the computer at home....there is way too much out there for these kids to get a hold of....thanks again for your helpful input...Taishea
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Old 11-02-2010, 03:30 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eaparham View Post
you simply do the best you can. Establish boundaries and enforce them. Behavior has consequences..both good and bad. There's only so much you can do, they will be who they are going to be no matter what you do. My sons are almost 25 and 23, and they hated each other growing up...HATED ! Now they are on their own, working and paying bills, and they like each other again. It's hard to see it now, but they will grow up and leave, and you will miss them. Chin up, and make sure you take time for you in all this. Let the step dad handle them for a day. They were part of the package deal, right ?
The step dad has the boys ;most of the time working at his dad's farm with him...so yes the kids have always been"part of the deal"...along witht eh 3 cats and the beagle!
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Old 11-26-2010, 11:40 PM   #11
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Thanks ladies for all the input.
My kids really are at the point where you guys "punish" your kids. We live in the country so there is no cell service...so no cell phones....
we live in a very small house and I had to make a "wall" between dd room and ds room...privacy...little to none......
I have never proclaimed to be their friend....they want that from me ( I think because their dad and step mom act like that) and quite frankly I believe that most of the problem come from the dad and his wife...she has a DD that has EVERYTHING that my DD wants...so my DD thought she could bully her way to get all that her step sister has...I am firm with boundaries..and have even given her and ds the option of going to their dad's house for the material things they want....which might be the total wrong thing to do, however they do have the choice....DS is better for the moment...DD is still trying to find her path in our family....Thank you so much for all the advise....I am not offended...however our lifestyle already has all or most of the limitations you all suggested.....any other suggestions are welcome...Taishea
OMG! I think our kids & exes are related! My dh & I are having problems with my 17 (will be 18 on 12/20) ds for the last couple months. I, like you, have set firm boundaries, he didn't like our rules so he moved in with his grandparents. To show his appreciation to them he had a party at their house last night while they were still out of town for thanksgiving (we drove home w/him thurs. night). Thankfully the neighbors called and we broke it up but they had plenty to drink and were supposedly only smoked cigarettes. We took the keys from him and tomorrow my dh is changing our locks, which breaks my heart, but I know it needs to be done.

I hope things get better soon with your kids, I don't have any advice as I am in the same boat.

I will keep you in my prayers.
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Old 12-07-2010, 04:30 AM   #12
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Joni,

Thanks for being able to relate to my situation.Sorry that you are having similar issues...kids are tough.

My DS is doing a lot better. He is having a few health issues right now so we are trying to concentrate on him getting better.
DD however is still bulking at EVERY request. This mooring I told her not to disappear to her room after supper as she is going to help with dishes...she gave me a look that would cut through a person. Also told her IF she disappears, she has to do dishes for a week alone..we shall see...the bedroom is a mess....clean clothes and dirty clothes everywhere...i am going to clean up her room...going to leave her 1 weeks worth of clothes....she might get teh idea that I am serious ....It is very discouraging to me.Ther are a few good moments though..I cherish those...

Until again comes around..

Taishea
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Old 01-02-2011, 08:42 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by chef2die4 View Post
This is going to be really hard to hear, and I am sorry. But supportive and loving only works when the recipient is also doing that. If your son and/ or daughter is speaking to you that way, s/he has lost the right to perks. It is your duty to see that s/he has clothing to keep them warm, enough calories, education, and a roof over his/her head. Anything else is a perk. Don't be mean or nasty, but you must let them know who is in charge, and it is NOT THEM!!!

I told my teen when she got nasty that she had to earn her privileges (delicious food, car rides to school, fashionable clothing, allowance, cell phone, social life, privacy [except in the bathroom or shower]) by being courteous, cooperative, and by adhering to the standards of our home. Otherwise, she got liver n onions, the school bus, hand-me-downs, no door to her room (she had some other behavior issues which privacy did NOT help with), and a lot of time at home with no phone or computer/internet access. She shaped up pretty quick.

It sounds like they need to realize that you are their parent, not their friend.

I hope this wasn't harsh, or blameful. Also hope it helps.
I think I might try the no door/privacy thing because my 12-year-old has lost her damn mind! She talks to me, her father, and her brother like they are beneath her or something? I don't know what the heck has gotten into this child, but we have tried everything and our patience is running thin. My only advice is: Losing your cool is not the answer. We made that mistake and are paying dearly for it. I feel like we set ourselves back by trying to crush her rebellion with angry responses. Now she has closed herself off from us and I have to remind myself that I don't need to come down to her level...she need to step up to mine and meet my expectations. It's hard...I wish you the best!
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Old 01-07-2011, 10:32 AM   #14
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Yes there is hope! My daughter and I had a very ugly and dysfunctional relationship in her teen years. It got better when she went to collage and how as a young wife and mother we are best friends. It evolved over time but my unconditional love never wavered. I took a lot of verbal abuse but was always was told how kind, thoughtful and respectful, etc. she was elsewhere. That gave me hope that the person I saw and had to deal with was not her true self and character. Teen years are hard, especially on girls and even more so on the mother daughter relationship. Good luck and have faith~
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