In the Forums

Register

Today's Posts

Search


Get the Weekly
Inkling
newsletter





Previous Issues

Get Social

Like Splitcoaststampers on Facebook Follow Splitcoaststampers on Twitter Watch Splitcoaststampers Videos on YouTube

Sponsored Ads


 
Splitcoaststampers.com - the world's #1 papercrafting community
You're currently viewing Splitcoaststampers as a GUEST. We pride ourselves on being great hosts, but guests have limited access to some of our incredible artwork, our lively forums and other super cool features of the site! You can join our incredible papercrafting community at NO COST. So what are you waiting for?

Join the party at Splitcoaststampers today!

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 10-07-2005, 10:32 PM   #1
Glitter Guru
 
Buckeye Stamper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 5,282
Default Other people are jerks

Okay, how do you handle it as a Mom for about a year, when your social life is dead and everyone just assumes that you are going to take care of the baby and not ever do anything fun?

Tonight certain friends and/or family members pushed me over the edge. DH had to work, I was going to take the baby out to do something fun. The people who watched her today "forgot" to give us back one of her most important baby tools. I had an hour from the time I walked in the door from work til the fun thing was going to start and asked if they could drop it off and they said, "no, friends were coming over and bringing dinner because they were leaving on vacation in a few days." Mind you we about 12 minutes away and this was my one chance to actually be social in the past two weeks and it was impossible to feed myself and baby and get us both dressed to go and make the trip to their house.

I do not expect them to run stuff over when they "lose" it in their house, but this one time...I really, really wanted to get out. And they get out all the time. It was just a rude awakening that "hey, your kid, your problem." Needless to say we couldn't go. I stayed home. It wasn't 100% their fault but it did seem to be the defining blow to the plan.

And it hit me, I don't go out. I don't get to do things. No freedom. I don't mean often, I mean EVER. I go to work and do things with the baby. But shopping, a movie, dinner, adult interaction on a social level? NO NONE, NADA. I don't even get invited anymore. The fact that I kinda have to be on the baby's schedule doesn't help. I can get a babysitter or the baby can come (depending) but no one asks. If I try to initiate something (lately) I end up getting it going and then having to leave before most people show up because of the baby. So I miss out.

I love the baby, that's not the issue, the issue is that other people are jerks. They get to do fun things all of the time, so they don't realize how precious my few moments of fun time are.

I have never felt so isolated and alone. I am crushed. I was bawling when DH got home and after he figured out why I don't think that he got it. I don't think that his life has changed as drastically as mine has so he can't comprehend my saddness.

So how do I deal with this?

Accept the isolation?
Buckeye Stamper is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2005, 11:32 PM   #2
Rubber Obsessor
 
whats_her_name's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 204
Default

I am going through the EXACT same issue tonight... I have a 6 week old, and yes, I realize that a brand new baby takes up all your time. But I feel like I'm not me right now - I'm just her slave. She was a doll today and slept about 4 hours during the day. Here's what I did:
- cleaned her bedroom
- laundry
- showered
Plus:
- gave her a bath
- fed her & changed her every couple of hours

And then I got to stamp exactly 1 card. And it wasn't even that I designed a card - I simply cased one, so that took all of about 10-15 minutes. That's not an awful lot of fun time...

Then I tried to vent tonight to DH, and he TOTALLY DOESN'T GET IT. Not even close.

Solution? Become more selfish. I'm going to have to tell him that he can't go out to his soccer practice or whatever...

As for you - you'll probably have to start out by doing the inviting until your friends start to GET IT. Oh -- she's ready to join the adult world again!!! Perhaps we should invite her to such-and-such...

Hopefully they'll get it - and hopefully your social life will start to pick up again. As for me - I just want a couple hours every couple days to just play with my stamps...
__________________
´¨¨)) -:¦:- -:¦:-
¸.·´ ·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ Karrie
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´
My Gallery | My Blog
whats_her_name is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 02:03 AM   #3
Stazon Splitcoast
 
Joan B's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 15,481
Default

Wow! Something is wrong. You sound more than just a little frustrated -- perhaps depressed?? Not sure. This isn't the way life is supposed to be. I'm guessing that most of your friends do not have kids. Time to find new ones...

I've worked full time, I've job shared and now work part time. IMHO, it is very difficult to have children and have both parents work full time, although many do it successfully (I just couldn't pull it off.) If you and your husband are working full time and are going to maintain that schedule for whatever reason, it is time to realize that this is a very difficult situation that requires proactive scheduling. (Personally, I urge you to consider how you could work just part time, but that is SO personal a situation, that I totally understand if you don't feel that is an option.)

You NEED to schedule a 2 -4 hour block of time every week to do what you want without the baby. I know that you are thinking that the baby is in daycare and you feel guilty about taking this time, but I think you really need this for your sanity/peace of mind. I don't care if you go outside and sit in the car, you need to know that you have this time and that you can look forward to it every week. Your husband watches the baby during this time. Period!! Then, your husband gets the same thing.

Secondly, please go get screened for depression. You don't want this snowballing into a major health thing. You have to realize that your friends, babysitter, etc. all have their lives and most don't stop to think about your needs, which is why YOU HAVE TO.

Finally, you need to find some working women with kids who you can bond with. It isn't easy, but I formed a "mother's group" at work and I also formed a book group, and chose women who worked and who had kids. Once a month we get together and discuss the book (half the time most of us haven't read the book, but you get the point.)

My single/childless friends and I do not have the same relationship that we had before I had my son and I think they resented it at first. Now, we go out for dinner 4 times a year without my husband or kid, just the girls and it is really nice.

Now, go tell hubby you are going out to a movie, get a manicure, whatever today and do it. Let us know what happens.

ps. If I've said anything that isn't relevant to your life or helpful, I'm sorry. I hope venting helped.
__________________
I Make I Talk
Joan B is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 03:08 AM   #4
Crimping Master
 
ny2nh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Manchester, NH
Posts: 1,277
Default

I agree with Joan B - especialy about the part where both you and your husband get a certain amount of time for yourselves each week. Too often, Mom works and then Mom gets home and takes care of the baby and the house....and the husband! Rtaher than curtailing hubby's soccer practice, just give yourself some time, too......because you both need your own space.

As far as friends not inviting you or them not getting it......I have no kids and here's how I might see things......

People with kids are often totally consumed with their kids - and there's nothing wrong with that......but those of us without kids might not be as consumed with kids in general. Even in the instance of our Guard family support group - most meetings or events are focused on the kids.....which is great for those with kids......but for the few of us who don't......it's not as desirable sometimes. I may not want to go to dinner and have a baby along with us. I might not even want to attend something at someone's house with kids if I'm not in the mood for kids. Don;t get me wrong - I love kids.

Just yesterday I was talking with one of the women who works with me - who happens to be pregnant with twins and alreday has a 6 yr old daughter. She was saying that it makes her crazy that so many of her friends who have kids won't do anything without their kids. For instance - a mutual friend is having a Halloween party - with no kids.....just the adults.....and some people just can't comprehend leaving their kids with a babysitter or grandma for the night.

I have a few friends who always bring their kids with them - and think nothing of it. Another woman I work with usually brings her 10 year old daughter to my stamp nites - which are usually more of a girls night out....with stamping. It's hardly mom & me nite. I would never tell her she couldn't bring her - but sometimes wonder why she would want to.....she needs and deserves a break sometimes, too.

As far as the baby tool left at the sitters and them not willing to bring it to you - if it is that important of a tool, then I would suggest that you have an extra at home for situations like that. And, as much as I understand your need to get out, they had plans already and I donlt think it was thier responsibilty to change them to accomodate yours. You;re the parent - and you share the joys and the sacrifices that go along with that.......
__________________
Tammy
stampin' tax free in new hampshire
http://tammysimmons.stampinup.net
ny2nh is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 04:33 AM   #5
Glitter Guru
 
LeahsCreations's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: The weeds are popping up, and I'm having asthma issues
Posts: 6,316
Send a message via MSN to LeahsCreations
Default

This is exactly the purpose of MOPS - Mothers of Preschoolers. It's for moms who feel isolated, need info on being a better mom, and want to share experiences with others. There's a craft, a brunch/light snack time, a guest speaker and door prizes and all sorts of great conversation. It is hosted by churches. If you aren't a Christian, do not be put off. It's very "light touch" - it's designed as an outreach to moms who need help, friends, support. There are even working mom MOPS groups, but they are harder to find. Call the churches in your area to see what's available or do a search at http://www.mops.org/
At the very least, you can sign up for the MOPS newsletter - you will be encouraged.

Hope that helps,
Leah
LeahsCreations is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 04:37 AM   #6
Dirty Dozen Alumni
 
JanTInk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Set into the baseboard of your stamping room
Posts: 18,033
Default

I went through this with my first child too. My parents and DH's parents all live 2 hours away, I didn't know anybody apart from the people that I used to work with, and my DH was scared to death to be left alone with his child because he was as unused to being around babies as I was! (We were both the youngest in our families.) I had PPD and it was soooo stressful because I never got to be away from the baby. It was truly awful. I didn't even get to go to work, so it was even worse for me.

So this is my advice. Find yourself a nice moms group. I joined MOPS, but there are also Mother's Day Out programs, MOMS clubs, etc. All the women in these groups are in your shoes. In the MOPS group, I got to hand my children over to kindly older people for 2 1/2 hours while I sat and listened to a speaker, talked with other moms, and did a craft. It was a true sanity saver for me. I also attended La Leche League meetings where I could bring the baby along. Having a place where I could go and be with people who KNEW what I was going through and where I could bring my child and people wouldn't glare at me if she started to cry was just so very, very wonderful. Some MOPS groups meet at night, some during the day, some on the weekends. Find one that works in your schedule.

I'm not going to tell you that someday you'll wish to have these times back, because that was the thing that really upset me when people said that. I won't say that the time goes so fast that you'll wish you had enjoyed your baby more when she was little. That p*ssed me off too, LOL! Sure, a baby is a wonderful thing to have around and there are many, many sweet moments you will be able to remember the rest of your life. But while you are in the middle of it it seems to last FOREVER. I am so glad not to be the mother of an infant any more...I look back on it and have my sweet memories, but there are some bad ones too...it can be very, very difficult
JanTInk is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 05:10 AM   #7
Polyshrink Goddess
 
SweetHeidiJo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Troy, Ohio
Posts: 2,815
Send a message via Yahoo to SweetHeidiJo
Default

I got married and we had our first baby about a year after I graduated high school (which is what I wanted). I was very close with my group of friends through HS and even after but now I don't talk to a single one. Things change so drastically once you become a parent. After I had Jolee I didn't want to hear about who my friend had sex with last week or how she got so drunk at a party last night. Those things seemed idiotic to me (not that they were that interesting before I had a baby!) and I didn't understand why she would care so much about those things. It was a wake up call for me because I had a beautiful little girl that meant the world to my hubby and I and she is all I wanted (or could since I never got out of the house either) to talk about. I hadn't seen any new movies or know any of the new songs because I was at home with her. That is when I distanced myself from those people and tried to find other moms to befriend. Parks are a great place to go and start up a conversation with someone. So is the McDonalds playplace.

The fact is, you have different priorities than your friends do now (at least those without children) and it becomes harder and harder to spend time together since the focus on your lives is totally different. I'm not saying you should completely write them out of your life but you should try and make some friends that have children. It's fun for you and your kids!!

-Heidi :0)
__________________
{Heidi}
Trying to get ready for my first craft show!
SweetHeidiJo is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 07:06 AM   #8
Mad Swapper
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,732
Default

This is going to sound trite, but it really is true. Yes, these times fly by and you may very well wish you had them back...BUT absence makes the heart grow fonder!!! Everybody's heard that, but you will enjoy your time with your little one so much more if you have some time away. You NEED it. You are not "the baby's mother" only. You have an identity all your own, AND you are a mom. Making time for yourself IMO is the most difficult part of being a mommy, but it may be the most valuable. You will feel better, be more relaxed, and as a result, your time being "mom" will be more productive. You may feel guilty. The first time I left my son (he was 4) overnight, I cried for most of the night. I couldn't believe I was leaving my baby to go (gasp...) HAVE FUN!! But guess what? I did have fun eventually, and I was a much better mommy for it. He missed me, and I missed him, sure. But who wants a tired cranky mommy??? I was much more relaxed. Schedule time for yourself. Even if it's only a trip to the grocery alone (that is my favorite away time), and even if it's only 20 minutes a day, you need it. Men don't get it, because they are wired different. (and they aren't the ones doing the "mom" thing.) Once you schedule time, STICK TO IT!! Your friends with no kids won't understand you. There is no going back to that. I wish I could help there, but I can't. Most of my friends that I tend to run around with are a) men, and b) aquired after my kids were born, so they have only ever known the "mommy me". I second the opinion that you may want to see a doctor about PPD. I remember being stressed after both my kids were born, but you seem more than that. You seem frantic. If you ever want to talk or cry in private, please pm me. I don't know if I can help, but I can sure listen!!

Becky
txblueyes is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 09:47 AM   #9
Glitter Guru
 
Buckeye Stamper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 5,282
Default

Wow! You get it! You get it! That is so how I feel some days. Most of the time it is fine, but once and a while I want a little bit of time to do something - anything! And that is when I get sad and frustrated.

Being tired doesn't help either.

As for stampin' yes, a couple uninterrupted hours once or twice a week would be wonderful. I was trying to finish a swap to mail out today and stamped all of these cute little tags and the baby takes one. Then she licks it! Oh, she is such trouble sometimes.

Today I feel better. Tired, coughing but better.

I think I am going to sign up for a YOGA class too. That'll be a start to my recovery!

Thanks for the kind words.


Quote:
Originally Posted by whats_her_name
I am going through the EXACT same issue tonight... I have a 6 week old, and yes, I realize that a brand new baby takes up all your time. But I feel like I'm not me right now - I'm just her slave. She was a doll today and slept about 4 hours during the day. Here's what I did:
- cleaned her bedroom
- laundry
- showered
Plus:
- gave her a bath
- fed her & changed her every couple of hours

And then I got to stamp exactly 1 card. And it wasn't even that I designed a card - I simply cased one, so that took all of about 10-15 minutes. That's not an awful lot of fun time...

Then I tried to vent tonight to DH, and he TOTALLY DOESN'T GET IT. Not even close.

Solution? Become more selfish. I'm going to have to tell him that he can't go out to his soccer practice or whatever...

As for you - you'll probably have to start out by doing the inviting until your friends start to GET IT. Oh -- she's ready to join the adult world again!!! Perhaps we should invite her to such-and-such...

Hopefully they'll get it - and hopefully your social life will start to pick up again. As for me - I just want a couple hours every couple days to just play with my stamps...
Buckeye Stamper is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 10:03 AM   #10
Glitter Guru
 
Buckeye Stamper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 5,282
Default

Okay, you've shed a new light on the situation. Mind if I pick your brain?

I am not trying to be critical, I am in serious knowledge seeking mode.

I agree things completely geared around kids can be annoying.

When you say sometimes you don't want to be around them or go to dinner with a kid or go to a house with a kid, Is your desire not to be around a kid/baby more overpowering than your desire to see the parent? For example a non kid couple that you loved to hang out with, has a kid and you would rather not hang out with the kid MORE than you'd want to hang out with the parent?

So that is why you don't call, go or invite?

Have you considered that sometimes, people bring thier kid/baby along because their desire to see YOU over powers their inability to get a sitter?

Or do non kid people not see that?

As for the tool left at the sitters, (this isn't meant to be critical either, I am just taking the opportunity to talk this out with someone from the non-kid side.)

1.) some baby tools are invaluable and back-ups or replacements just don't work. If you had a kid, you'd get this.

2.) no it's not their responsibility to change their plans (although they'd be back before they started) and I would never ask them to bring something over (that they forgot, it was their fault) unless it was very important, this was a special situation

3.) they have kids

4.) they are friends/family that is why it hurt so much it was a further slap in the face "your kid - your problem"

5.) "You;re the parent - and you share the joys and the sacrifices that go along with that......" That is exactly the comment that has me in this pickle and the reason for the title. YES, I sacrifice a lot for the child. YES, I understand and own that responsibility. YES, I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world. BUT IT IS WHEN YOU ASK FOR HELP, OR HAVE A DILEMA, OR REALLY NEED A FRIEND AND THAT GET'S THROWN IN YOUR FACE OVER AND OVER AGAIN. INSTEAD OF PEOPLE HELPING, OR LISTENING OR THINKING THAT YOU MIGHT WANT TO JOIN THEM. THEN IT HURTS, THEN IT'S PERSONAL, THEN YOU REALIZE THAT PEOPLE ARE JERKS BECAUSE THEY CAN'T OR WON'T SAY - "NO, MY LIFE IF MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU, I DON'T WANT THE INCONVIENCE, THEY SAY YOUR KID - YOUR PROBLEM."

Please, please, please reply. I'd love to develop some coping strategies for this.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ny2nh
I agree with Joan B - especialy about the part where both you and your husband get a certain amount of time for yourselves each week. Too often, Mom works and then Mom gets home and takes care of the baby and the house....and the husband! Rtaher than curtailing hubby's soccer practice, just give yourself some time, too......because you both need your own space.

As far as friends not inviting you or them not getting it......I have no kids and here's how I might see things......

People with kids are often totally consumed with their kids - and there's nothing wrong with that......but those of us without kids might not be as consumed with kids in general. Even in the instance of our Guard family support group - most meetings or events are focused on the kids.....which is great for those with kids......but for the few of us who don't......it's not as desirable sometimes. I may not want to go to dinner and have a baby along with us. I might not even want to attend something at someone's house with kids if I'm not in the mood for kids. Don;t get me wrong - I love kids.

Just yesterday I was talking with one of the women who works with me - who happens to be pregnant with twins and alreday has a 6 yr old daughter. She was saying that it makes her crazy that so many of her friends who have kids won't do anything without their kids. For instance - a mutual friend is having a Halloween party - with no kids.....just the adults.....and some people just can't comprehend leaving their kids with a babysitter or grandma for the night.

I have a few friends who always bring their kids with them - and think nothing of it. Another woman I work with usually brings her 10 year old daughter to my stamp nites - which are usually more of a girls night out....with stamping. It's hardly mom & me nite. I would never tell her she couldn't bring her - but sometimes wonder why she would want to.....she needs and deserves a break sometimes, too.

As far as the baby tool left at the sitters and them not willing to bring it to you - if it is that important of a tool, then I would suggest that you have an extra at home for situations like that. And, as much as I understand your need to get out, they had plans already and I donlt think it was thier responsibilty to change them to accomodate yours. You;re the parent - and you share the joys and the sacrifices that go along with that.......
Buckeye Stamper is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 10:10 AM   #11
Glitter Guru
 
Buckeye Stamper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 5,282
Default

HI,

Thanks, I do work part-time. I understand the need for me time, I'll work on it. Thanks for your concern about depression, but I am not sure that is the case. I'd say stress yes most definately.

I am going to sign up for YOGA again and go from there.

Thanks also for saying babysitter, friends are busy and not concerned with your life. I think that is what I need to remember. Remember who cares about my life and who doesn't and not waste my time with the latter.

I have so many other things do worry/care about why those people that don't care about me?

I shudder at the option of finding new friends. After situations like this I just don't see the need to get close to someone else just to let them remind you their dinner plans are more important than your mental well being.

I think I am going to go to the post office, then Michael's (that puts a smile on everyone's face) then maybe go buy some new jeans.

Or should I wait on that? That could seriously get depressing!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joan B
Wow! Something is wrong. You sound more than just a little frustrated -- perhaps depressed?? Not sure. This isn't the way life is supposed to be. I'm guessing that most of your friends do not have kids. Time to find new ones...

I've worked full time, I've job shared and now work part time. IMHO, it is very difficult to have children and have both parents work full time, although many do it successfully (I just couldn't pull it off.) If you and your husband are working full time and are going to maintain that schedule for whatever reason, it is time to realize that this is a very difficult situation that requires proactive scheduling. (Personally, I urge you to consider how you could work just part time, but that is SO personal a situation, that I totally understand if you don't feel that is an option.)

You NEED to schedule a 2 -4 hour block of time every week to do what you want without the baby. I know that you are thinking that the baby is in daycare and you feel guilty about taking this time, but I think you really need this for your sanity/peace of mind. I don't care if you go outside and sit in the car, you need to know that you have this time and that you can look forward to it every week. Your husband watches the baby during this time. Period!! Then, your husband gets the same thing.

Secondly, please go get screened for depression. You don't want this snowballing into a major health thing. You have to realize that your friends, babysitter, etc. all have their lives and most don't stop to think about your needs, which is why YOU HAVE TO.

Finally, you need to find some working women with kids who you can bond with. It isn't easy, but I formed a "mother's group" at work and I also formed a book group, and chose women who worked and who had kids. Once a month we get together and discuss the book (half the time most of us haven't read the book, but you get the point.)

My single/childless friends and I do not have the same relationship that we had before I had my son and I think they resented it at first. Now, we go out for dinner 4 times a year without my husband or kid, just the girls and it is really nice.

Now, go tell hubby you are going out to a movie, get a manicure, whatever today and do it. Let us know what happens.

ps. If I've said anything that isn't relevant to your life or helpful, I'm sorry. I hope venting helped.
Buckeye Stamper is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 10:18 AM   #12
Glitter Guru
 
Buckeye Stamper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 5,282
Default

Hmmm... Initially I didn't understand the value of these groups. But now, I am beginning to see. I did a search and found 4 groups within 10 minutes, better yet, one right down the road. It's at a weird church, but I will try it and go from there. I am christian tho. I missed the meeting this week, but can catch the one at the end of the month.

Thanks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by LeahsCreations
This is exactly the purpose of MOPS - Mothers of Preschoolers. It's for moms who feel isolated, need info on being a better mom, and want to share experiences with others. There's a craft, a brunch/light snack time, a guest speaker and door prizes and all sorts of great conversation. It is hosted by churches. If you aren't a Christian, do not be put off. It's very "light touch" - it's designed as an outreach to moms who need help, friends, support. There are even working mom MOPS groups, but they are harder to find. Call the churches in your area to see what's available or do a search at http://www.mops.org/
At the very least, you can sign up for the MOPS newsletter - you will be encouraged.

Hope that helps,
Leah
Buckeye Stamper is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 10:22 AM   #13
Glitter Guru
 
Buckeye Stamper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 5,282
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JanTInk
I went through this with my first child too. My parents and DH's parents all live 2 hours away, I didn't know anybody apart from the people that I used to work with, and my DH was scared to death to be left alone with his child because he was as unused to being around babies as I was! (We were both the youngest in our families.) I had PPD and it was soooo stressful because I never got to be away from the baby. It was truly awful. I didn't even get to go to work, so it was even worse for me.

So this is my advice. Find yourself a nice moms group. I joined MOPS, but there are also Mother's Day Out programs, MOMS clubs, etc. All the women in these groups are in your shoes. In the MOPS group, I got to hand my children over to kindly older people for 2 1/2 hours while I sat and listened to a speaker, talked with other moms, and did a craft. It was a true sanity saver for me. I also attended La Leche League meetings where I could bring the baby along. Having a place where I could go and be with people who KNEW what I was going through and where I could bring my child and people wouldn't glare at me if she started to cry was just so very, very wonderful. Some MOPS groups meet at night, some during the day, some on the weekends. Find one that works in your schedule.

I'm not going to tell you that someday you'll wish to have these times back, because that was the thing that really upset me when people said that. I won't say that the time goes so fast that you'll wish you had enjoyed your baby more when she was little. That p*ssed me off too, LOL! Sure, a baby is a wonderful thing to have around and there are many, many sweet moments you will be able to remember the rest of your life. But while you are in the middle of it it seems to last FOREVER. I am so glad not to be the mother of an infant any more...I look back on it and have my sweet memories, but there are some bad ones too...it can be very, very difficult

I am going to copy what I said about mom's groups above...

Hmmm... Initially I didn't understand the value of these groups. But now, I am beginning to see. I did a search and found 4 groups within 10 minutes, better yet, one right down the road. It's at a weird church, but I will try it and go from there. I am christian tho. I missed the meeting this week, but can catch the one at the end of the month.

Thanks for NOT saying those things! LOL Last night during the crisis, my mom called and told me to just hug the baby that she won't want to be around me for long. I told her "she doesn't want to be around me now, she wants to tear all the pages out of the phone book! And screams when I stop her!"

She is wonderful. Our times together are wonderful. I just think that we both reach points when we'd rather "play" with someone else for a while. That would do us both a lot of good
Buckeye Stamper is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 10:26 AM   #14
Stazon Splitcoast
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 19,966
Default

It is so hard to be a new mommy. I remember crying so many times and saying, "my life will never be the same again, I will never be able to do one more thing for myself EVER!" This is so not true! All good relationships include boundaries, especially our relationships with children. You need some time for yourself and interaction with other people. You will be a better mommy when you get it.

You really need to find a good friend who has been through the same thing and will understand when you just need to talk to an adult. Do you have a church that has small groups, or mom groups, or a woman's Bible study? These have helped me beyond belief!!

I am really good at listening and encouraging new mommies, so if you want to PM me, feel free. I will be happy to listen and sympathize.

BIG HUGS!!

Last edited by handstampedhappiness; 10-08-2005 at 04:34 PM..
handstampedhappiness is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 10:38 AM   #15
Die Cut Diva
 
uffdastamper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 3,559
Default

Sorry you had a yucky night last night. When our DS was little I signed him up for all kind of baby stuff that had mommy and me activities, yes to keep us busy but mostly because we were new to the area and I wanted to meet other moms and get out and be social. My mom said, why do you have him signed up for so many activities? Just because! I'd set up play dates, now the babies wouldn't really play, they'd more just sit there, but at least I had some grownup interaction. And if DS and I didn't have an activity to go to, I would sometimes call and just chat on the phone w/a friend.

Keep us posted!

p.s. Of course real face to face or phone to phone interaction is great, but you can always go to SCS, virtual interaction is nice too! But you probably already know this!
uffdastamper is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 10:55 AM   #16
Rubber Obsessor
 
whats_her_name's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 204
Default

I hope you had a good sleep last night and feel refreshed by a new day. I know I usually feel better the next day...

So here's a suggestion - throw a Halloween party or something - maybe just a Sunday brunch potluck... That way, you can have people over to your house and then you don't have to leave! Then you can talk to them in person and TELL them that you're ready to get out in the "real" world again!

Good luck, I hope your friends are just clueless rather than complete jerks...
__________________
´¨¨)) -:¦:- -:¦:-
¸.·´ ·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ Karrie
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´
My Gallery | My Blog
whats_her_name is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 11:32 AM   #17
Dirty Dozen Alumni
 
JanTInk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Set into the baseboard of your stamping room
Posts: 18,033
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buckeye Stamper
I am going to copy what I said about mom's groups above...

Hmmm... Initially I didn't understand the value of these groups. But now, I am beginning to see. I did a search and found 4 groups within 10 minutes, better yet, one right down the road. It's at a weird church, but I will try it and go from there. I am christian tho. I missed the meeting this week, but can catch the one at the end of the month.

Thanks for NOT saying those things! LOL Last night during the crisis, my mom called and told me to just hug the baby that she won't want to be around me for long. I told her "she doesn't want to be around me now, she wants to tear all the pages out of the phone book! And screams when I stop her!"

She is wonderful. Our times together are wonderful. I just think that we both reach points when we'd rather "play" with someone else for a while. That would do us both a lot of good
Exactly. I started going to a knitting class once a week when my oldest was 18 months and attended that class off and on for years, when I didn't have a tiny baby. As soon as my DH was comfortable taking care of the littlest one, I was off to knitting class.

It's a season in your life; you'll be glad to know it doesn't last forever, though on nights when you feel like you'd rather be ANYWHERE else but home with that baby, it sure seems like it will. By the time I had my second child, I was much more comfortable with the demands of an infant and could cope much better. But I remember fantasizing about getting in the car and just driving as far as I could, finding a hotel and spending a week ALONE.
JanTInk is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 01:48 PM   #18
Glitter Guru
 
LeahsCreations's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: The weeds are popping up, and I'm having asthma issues
Posts: 6,316
Send a message via MSN to LeahsCreations
Default

I'm glad there are groups near your home. Be sure to call them in advance to arrange childcare. The Yoga class sounds like a great idea. Maybe you will meet another mom there, too! Don't be afraid to make new friends. You will benefit from new friends more than you'll suffer. It is very isolating when your friends stop hanging with you. It took a few years, but now all of our friends have kids. We get together less because it's more difficult to get out, but we did remain friends through the hard times and it was worth it.
LeahsCreations is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 02:07 PM   #19
Insane Embellisher
 
Manic Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 920
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buckeye Stamper
And it hit me, I don't go out. I don't get to do things. No freedom. I don't mean often, I mean EVER. I go to work and do things with the baby. But shopping, a movie, dinner, adult interaction on a social level? NO NONE, NADA. I don't even get invited anymore. So how do I deal with this? Accept the isolation?
Uh, I hate to be a downer, but get used to it. My oldest son is now 13 and I haven't done anything fun (alone or with friends) in years. It just doesn't happen, and believe it or not, the older they get, the less your chances become of "getting out". There's hockey, football, piano lessons, church groups, school activities. I used to want to go do more things, but now I don't even have the desire to. I'm happy being a mom, and frankly, who has time for anything else?
Manic Mom is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 06:10 PM   #20
Stazon Splitcoast
 
MelenaPrincess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Westminster, MD
Posts: 18,439
Send a message via MSN to MelenaPrincess Send a message via Yahoo to MelenaPrincess
Default People really are just jerks...

...But I think they have the best of intentions. My kids aren't born yet, but I know that I go through the same thing when my husband is HOME from a trip. He travels so much, that many of my friends will not call me or invite me out when he is home because THEY THINK I would want to be with him all the time. Don't get me wrong, I love my DH, but I still need to be able to go out to dinner with the girls every once in a while too, whether he is home or not, and he sometimes enjoys a night to himself at home. I have gotten to the point where I have just become more aggressive about asking people out or inviting them over, etc.

I do have one friend who told me a few years ago that if I ever had kids she would not be friend anymore. In the car on the way home I broke down into tears because I thought that we were rather close and I was very upset by this somewhat flip comment. I know she was refering to the fact that she thought she would not be able to relate to kid stuff, but no matter what I am still a person, and will have my own identity even if I am a mom. I was very scared to tell her that I was pregnant. Surprisingly, she has taken it very well, and is even throwing me a shower. I figured that if she really does see it that way after the kids are here, then I am fine with just being her stamp lady. At least we will always have that in common.

Good Luck! We are all here for you, and you don't even need to make a date or get a sitter to hang with us.
__________________
MelenaPrincess is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2005, 06:26 PM   #21
Cardstock Collector
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Schaumburg, IL
Posts: 51
Send a message via Yahoo to kbearrn
Default The baby is not just yours it is his too!

It is not being selfish that he take her for some of the time like you go out with friends and he sits home and deals with it and that means the weekend too! No he will not be baby sitting he will be taking care of his child like a parent should! If my brother can take his daughter from TX to Chicago on a plane and take care of her and bring her back for a four day trip at 6 months old so mom could have a break Dad can take a few days here and there or nights. And if he says he worked all day tell him so did you! And your work is far more important and stressful then his, let him try it! Be more aggresive get some time for yourself otherwise it gets hard to be a good mom when you can't find yourself.
Good Luck Karen
kbearrn is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-12-2005, 12:28 PM   #22
Glitter Guru
 
Buckeye Stamper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 5,282
Default UPDATE

Okay, so here is an update. Let me know what you think…

I had meetings until 10 p.m. both Monday and Tuesday. Monday night when I got home DH was almost as tired and frazzled as I was on Friday. After seeing him feel completely exhausted etc. I realized that maybe it wasn’t just me. Oddly enough that made me feel 100% better. It also made me see that this feeling of despair is directly related to lack of sleep. I can tell you that I can cope much better rested, than exhausted.

As for ME time, I am starting YOGA tomorrow. It is just one hour once a week, but it is a start. I am also looking into MOPS.

I have also been working on a schedule or to do list that might help things run a little smoother. It is very small items like:

Tuesdays DH cleans cat litter box and empties all trashes and takes it out. I sit down one hour a week and tackle the mail. I spend one hour a night for then next couple weeks organizing my craft stuff (this should be rewarding in many ways to me). Tuesday night I bring home take out. One night a week crock pot cooking. Mondays is DH’s night to take care of dinner. Pack diaper bag and my work stuff for the next day before bed. Split dish duty 50-50.

Any ideas where I can take a small amount of time and chip away at my stress?

As for the people who are jerks…they are still jerks. I am still PO’d at them. They are vacationing for the next month so I don’t have to see them. Maybe I’ll be over it by then. Other friends – still pretty excluding to me, talked to two of them Saturday afternoon about their evening plans, both said “We don’t have any, but I’ll give you a call when we come up with something.” Neither did…AND they hung out together that night! I think at one of their homes. This didn’t make me sad or anything. Just angry, just more reinforcement that people are jerks. Not sure how to handle them as of yet.
Buckeye Stamper is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-12-2005, 12:29 PM   #23
Glitter Guru
 
Buckeye Stamper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 5,282
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LeahsCreations
I'm glad there are groups near your home. Be sure to call them in advance to arrange childcare. The Yoga class sounds like a great idea. Maybe you will meet another mom there, too! Don't be afraid to make new friends. You will benefit from new friends more than you'll suffer. It is very isolating when your friends stop hanging with you. It took a few years, but now all of our friends have kids. We get together less because it's more difficult to get out, but we did remain friends through the hard times and it was worth it.
The kids don't go to MOPS?
Buckeye Stamper is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-12-2005, 01:13 PM   #24
Glitter Guru
 
LeahsCreations's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: The weeds are popping up, and I'm having asthma issues
Posts: 6,316
Send a message via MSN to LeahsCreations
Default

The meeting is for adults only. Almost every MOPS group has a MOPPETS program (stupid names, I know), but they have to pay and/or find the right number of workers for proper adult/child ratios. If the group closest to you is maxed out on space or childcare workers, then you might have to go to the group a little further away. Basically, my kids beg to go to MOPS. They love it. This past week they brought home little seed packets to tape to the window. The week before they dressed up as adults. Very funny. Anyway, kids are welcome in the childcare but not in the meeting (exception: nursing infants that aren't fussy are always welcome in with the mommies). It's supposed to be a nice break to discuss various mommy issues with other adults.

BTW, I read your other post - Lack of sleep was always my major issue. It caused everything else to seem much worse than it probably was and it affected my reactions. I am NOT a nice person when I'm not getting my rest. I hope you can get more sleep if that is something you are lacking. How old is your baby? Is he/she sleeping through the night? How about you? My children were sleeping through the night but I was still waking up at night for a minimum of a half-hour because my body was so programmed. I finally started taking melatonin. I took it for two weeks and I've been sleeping through the night since. Now, I just wake up when I hear crying.

Best wishes,
Leah

BTW, feel free to PM or e-mail me. I'd be happy to talk to you more.
LeahsCreations is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-12-2005, 01:16 PM   #25
Stazon Splitcoast
 
sassyat30's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: WI
Posts: 15,274
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buckeye Stamper
The kids don't go to MOPS?
Yes, the children go to MOPS...there is onsite daycare for the kids, while the moms get to have their own time and do things.
sassyat30 is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-12-2005, 01:23 PM   #26
Stazon Splitcoast
 
sassyat30's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: WI
Posts: 15,274
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Manic Mom
Uh, I hate to be a downer, but get used to it. My oldest son is now 13 and I haven't done anything fun (alone or with friends) in years. It just doesn't happen, and believe it or not, the older they get, the less your chances become of "getting out". There's hockey, football, piano lessons, church groups, school activities. I used to want to go do more things, but now I don't even have the desire to. I'm happy being a mom, and frankly, who has time for anything else?
See, Anne, that's the point...I MAKE time for other things...I had interests and hobbies and was even reasonably intelligent before I had kids~I did mange a college degree, after all! why does that change now? Like Becky was saying in a previous thread, she has an identity and it is "Becky, NOT "Bill's wife" or her children's mother. She is BECKY.

My identity is not wrapped up in my children...I go out and have fun with my DH, with my girlfriends ALONE (who all have children) and my children are limited in their activities...their schedules don't run the house, MINE does and therein lies the difference. After all, who are the adults here? They both get to do TWO activities per season (plus church things) and that is enough.

Buckeye, you should absolutely have time away from your baby and do things for yourself...Yoga is a good start and what about calling some girlfriends and asking if they would like to go out Friday night for supper or a movie, when DH is able to watch the baby? If they can't (or won't) go, go alone...believe me, it's very liberating to go to a movie or a restuarant alone!!
sassyat30 is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-12-2005, 02:38 PM   #27
Pearl-ExPert
 
pigfingers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 2,851
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buckeye Stamper
Okay, so here is an update. Let me know what you think…

I had meetings until 10 p.m. both Monday and Tuesday. Monday night when I got home DH was almost as tired and frazzled as I was on Friday. After seeing him feel completely exhausted etc. I realized that maybe it wasn’t just me. Oddly enough that made me feel 100% better. It also made me see that this feeling of despair is directly related to lack of sleep. I can tell you that I can cope much better rested, than exhausted.

As for ME time, I am starting YOGA tomorrow. It is just one hour once a week, but it is a start. I am also looking into MOPS.

I have also been working on a schedule or to do list that might help things run a little smoother. It is very small items like:

Tuesdays DH cleans cat litter box and empties all trashes and takes it out. I sit down one hour a week and tackle the mail. I spend one hour a night for then next couple weeks organizing my craft stuff (this should be rewarding in many ways to me). Tuesday night I bring home take out. One night a week crock pot cooking. Mondays is DH’s night to take care of dinner. Pack diaper bag and my work stuff for the next day before bed. Split dish duty 50-50.

Any ideas where I can take a small amount of time and chip away at my stress?

As for the people who are jerks…they are still jerks. I am still PO’d at them. They are vacationing for the next month so I don’t have to see them. Maybe I’ll be over it by then. Other friends – still pretty excluding to me, talked to two of them Saturday afternoon about their evening plans, both said “We don’t have any, but I’ll give you a call when we come up with something.” Neither did…AND they hung out together that night! I think at one of their homes. This didn’t make me sad or anything. Just angry, just more reinforcement that people are jerks. Not sure how to handle them as of yet.

You need to start making some "U suck" cards, LOL -- no I am just kidding about that --

I know what you mean about other people. One of my two sisters (both of them have kids mind you) is totally oblivious to my needs sometimes, i.e. she wants me to drive to her house 45 minutes away all the time, pack up the kids and all their stuff to have a visit. I have finally gotten the guts to say that it just doesn't work for me to do that, for her to come here to my house. We of course don't see each other as much as it is WAY too inconvenient for her to come to me (LOL even though her youngest is now in college and all she has is nothing but free time as far as I am concerned) but she knows that she needs to see that I am the one that has needs, being that it is too much of a pain for me to pack up and go there, it is so much easier to go there.

I hope you can find a group of other moms with kids the same age as you for playgroups or MOPS or whatever, that was the saving grace that probably saved me from getting into a deep depression. Like you said, the hubby just DOESN"T GET IT!!! They go off and la la la same ole same ole, nothing new. Not so my friend for us. I think once you schedule some time for yourself and get out with other moms and kids you will find out that those other people still suck (LOL) but that not everyone in your life does, that there are some nice people out there!!

Dayna
pigfingers is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-12-2005, 05:14 PM   #28
Stazon Splitcoast
 
Illinois Marge's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 24,393
Default

If you are working till 10pm in meetings -- not sure what time you start -- but if your days are that long, you need to think about adjustments. You can't be superwoman -- mom, burn the midnight oil at work, wife, housekeeper -- something will crack. I've been there, done that -- it is absolutely not worth what it will do to your family life. On their deathbed, nobody ever says, "Gee, I wish I would have worked more 12 hour days...". Please, please think about that. My incredible work hours were a contributing factor to divorce, so I give this advice in good faith.

As far as friends who don't want to go out to dinner if you bring the baby, I wanted to add a comment. I'll warn you this may not be a popular comment, especially in a forum with lots of young moms. Before I had children, I absolutely cringed at babies in "nice" restaurants. Fussy, crying, loud, messy, sometimes stinky -- you name it, I wished they were left at home. I thought it was inconsiderate. It was my time to de-stress from my stressful job and life too. If we were seated next to a table with a fussy baby, I asked the hostess to be moved. So, if someone said, let's go out to dinner and by the way, I will be bringing the baby -- I would politely decline or think of something to do at my house or theirs, or someplace baby-friendly. Irrational? Maybe. But even when my own two boys were little, I never took them to nice restaurants because I didn't think it was fair to the other diners who wanted a relaxing evening out. I'm not talking about family restaurants, you expect that if you go to them. So maybe "I don't get it"? I do have 2 children (high school age now) but that still doesn't mean that my idea of a pleasant evening out is to be at a dinner table with someone elses' baby or toddler. At a picnic, yes. At McDonalds, fine. In someone's rec room, no problem. But for a relaxing or festive dinner out, no. Also, again frankly, before I had children, I found the talk of "baby stuff" boring. Formulas, diapers, what brand of stroller or car seat -- it left me cold. I remember so well a lady talking about what the other moms thought about her not driving the kids to school if it was raining -- they lived a block from the grade school -- she was stressing about whether they thought she was irresponsible (they had rain slickers and boots). Not having kids at that time, I remember thinking, get a life...what a silly thing to stress about. It was so totally irrelevant to me -- and not my idea of stimulating dinner chit chat on a Saturday night out.

If you really believe people are excluding you -- you could, as has been suggested, meet other young moms as new acquaintances with common interests at this stage of your life. Excellent advice. (But...keep in touch with the old friends, their lives will catch up and you can reconnect...) Or, stop and check yourself, when you are out with them, does the baby talk begin and do their eyes glaze over? Are you like the the lady with the rain slicker story? Are you keeping current with the news, trends, current events, so you have something to talk about besides "the baby" and how tired you are? I have no idea if this is what is happening, but I throw it out there as something to look at, so you might be able to rule it out.

Anyway, best of luck. Sounds like you are taking some good steps (yoga, etc). you might also want to think about a cleaning woman every week or two if you both work.
Illinois Marge is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-12-2005, 05:27 PM   #29
Gallery Gazer
 
Disneywed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Long Island
Posts: 6,057
Send a message via AIM to Disneywed
Default

sit down with DH and a calendar, tell him that it is his baby too, and like it or not, on the following 4 days ( once a week) you will need to leave the house for 2-4 hours and it is his job to either watch the munchkin, or find a grandma to do it.

Then.....

go see a movie by yourself( it is cool , actually)
go shopping(or browsing) NOT FOR BABY STUFF
Go walking somewhere you haven't been before
go to a friends house or motel and TAKE A NAP AND A SHOWEAR without listening for the babe


etc etc etc



Good luck, vent anytime
__________________
just "Joood"
Disneywed is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-12-2005, 06:09 PM   #30
Queen Shouldareadahead
 
Jusgottastamp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: back in a gated community...the twins are mobile!!!!!!!
Posts: 32,438
Default

I just found this thread tonight & have read through most of the posts. I am pregnant with our first child & have worried a little bit about some of these things you mentioned. Of course, we've just moved to a new area 3 months ago, so I don't know many people & have no friends here--yet, so my concern isn't so much that my friends without kids will no longer call me. In addition, since I plan to be a SAHM in Jan when Evan is due, I don't work outside of the home. I'm starting to meet a couple of people, but haven't been able to figure out quite how to do it yet so that I'm meeting lots of people with my similar interests.

Thanks to whomever posted about MOPS! I had heard of Mommy & Me groups and such, but honestly had no idea how to find them. I've saved that website in my favorites for when Evan gets here...I'll certainly need it, I'm sure!

I have to say that I think I'll be very fortunate as far as my dh goes. He has already said that he'll take care of the baby when he gets up in the morning before work so I can sleep in a bit (since I'll obviously have night duty). Also, he's working very hard to get where he doesn't have to work overtime very much after the baby's born. I know that he's wanting to spend time with Evan and me, but I suspect he'll look at me sometimes and tell me to get out of the house & go do something! I really have an awesome dh.

As for what the OP said about friends without kids, well...seeing as how that's who I've been for the past 15 years, let me try to shed a little light from my perspective. First of all, I always tried to stay in touch with my friends after they had their babies. I would call them & offer to run errands with them, pick up lunch somewhere to take to their place, or suggest getting together at their house to watch a movie or whatever. Most of the times, it worked out. I had some friends who honestly just couldn't find the time for me. Those friends, I told them to just call me when they had some time. And guess what? Most of them didn't call me--ever!! I had to call them again. I don't think that's how you'd be, but sometimes when that happens with several friends, you get discouraged from asking anybody.

Additionally, I felt like I was imposing on some of my friends who had newborns. I felt many times that they just no longer had time for me. I'm not saying I quit trying to see them, it's just that the calls became so infrequent to the point that I felt like I was bugging the crap out of them!

As we have gotten older (and our friends' kids have gotten older), I've suggested that when they are able to line up a babysitter to give us a call & we'll go to dinner (these are usually friends who have complained that they never get to do anything without the kids & need some time with adults). I've never gotten a call from any of them. I have gone over to my friends' houses for dinner or whatever (or had them over) with their kids there. Sometimes, it's great. Other times, it's a disaster. Regardless, I know they appreciated it.

Anyway, I hope I've made sense & didn't jump around too much. I truly hope that your yoga and MOPS group meet your needs. I have done yoga in the past & have found it very difficult to meet people there...some are so "focused" that they don't even notice that there are other people in the class & sometimes the people are already paired off--friends or spouses that come to the class together. Perhaps your experience will be different.

Oh, and on the flip side of the coin, I've often felt very isolated just because I didn't have children. My dh & I have been married for almost 10 years & some people can't comprehend why we don't have at least one already!! It's amazing to me that I have already gained "membership," so to speak, in certain groups just by the simple fact that I'm pregnant!! So, I honestly feel it's a two-way street in that respect...
__________________
- Karen, mom to the gnome and the little cupcakes! Yep, I got A GIRL!!
Fear is that little dark room where negatives are developed. - M. Pritchard
Jusgottastamp is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-12-2005, 09:18 PM   #31
Gallery Gazer
 
StampinChrissylea's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Shenandoah Valley, Virginia
Posts: 6,580
Send a message via MSN to StampinChrissylea Send a message via Yahoo to StampinChrissylea
Default

BuckeyeStamper--I hear some of my own anxieties echoed in your post. Not so much the friends part, but the feelings of being caged in so to speak.

Great suggestions from the other posters. I wanted to add, since you asked how to get more time, be more organized or something similar..check out www.flylady.net. Its a bit overwhelming at first, but if you take the basic principles of her philosophy and build on them, over time you will find your household runs rather efficiently.

You must take time for you. DH must take time for him. But, you must both SHARE in the care and maintenance of your family unit and your home.

Take care, good luck.
__________________
Chris
Visit my Blog!!
StampinChrissylea is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-13-2005, 04:01 AM   #32
Crimping Master
 
ny2nh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Manchester, NH
Posts: 1,277
Default

Illinois Marge ....you said it perfectly. If I go to a family type restaurant, kids seem appropriate....but if I'm spending $40 or more for hubby and I to go out for dinner, then I don't want to hear a baby crying or have a cute little boy looking over the booth wall at me thru dinner. Adorable I know - but not what I want to havbe thru dinner.

I also agree with so many posters about time for yourself.....maybe take stamp class or something. Or just wander thru the mall or go to the library or sit in the park and enjoy the surroundings. And a cleaning lady is a great idea as well! Figure the time saved if you don't have to clean the toilets and the shower! More time for your family......and it's worth the added cost. I keep saying that once hubby gets home and settled back into a regualr job, I'll probably hire someone to come in.....just to clean the bathroom, mop the floors and things like that. Even if it is once a month and I do the upkeep the other weeks. I spend $50 for a landline phone that I hardly ever use.....I should be able to spend $50 not to have to clean the toilet!
__________________
Tammy
stampin' tax free in new hampshire
http://tammysimmons.stampinup.net
ny2nh is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-13-2005, 04:40 AM   #33
Glitter Guru
 
LeahsCreations's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: The weeds are popping up, and I'm having asthma issues
Posts: 6,316
Send a message via MSN to LeahsCreations
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jusgottastamp
I just found this thread tonight & have read through most of the posts. I am pregnant with our first child & have worried a little bit about some of these things you mentioned. Of course, we've just moved to a new area 3 months ago, so I don't know many people & have no friends here--yet, so my concern isn't so much that my friends without kids will no longer call me. In addition, since I plan to be a SAHM in Jan when Evan is due, I don't work outside of the home. I'm starting to meet a couple of people, but haven't been able to figure out quite how to do it yet so that I'm meeting lots of people with my similar interests.

Thanks to whomever posted about MOPS! I had heard of Mommy & Me groups and such, but honestly had no idea how to find them. I've saved that website in my favorites for when Evan gets here...I'll certainly need it, I'm sure!

Justgottastamp, I'm glad I could help. Feel free to call the MOPS groups near you now. You could check out the meetings and childcare situations before Evan is born.
LeahsCreations is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-13-2005, 04:58 AM   #34
Rubber Obsessor
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 149
Default


Last edited by sweetstamping; 10-25-2005 at 05:56 AM..
sweetstamping is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-13-2005, 06:04 AM   #35
Stazon Splitcoast
 
saltycatco's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 59,809
Default

I'd like to join in from the opposite side of the fence here...no children, but all my 'friends' have kids.

My "best" friend has a 2 year old daughter that I have not seen in a year.

I've invited my friend, her husband, and daughter to my house numerous times, to stamping events numerous times, to meet me at the local craft store numerous times, to meet me for lunch numerous times, and every time, and I mean every time, she has an excuse. (She even told me she couldn't come to my house because it was not 'child-friendly' - meaning, I didn't have the plugs in every recepticle, child-proof locks on the doors, etc.)

And there are no reciprical invites from her at all.

I gave up trying.

Two weekends ago my husband and I decide to go to a local farm to pick pumpkins, and we ran into my friend & her family. When we were done there, and got in the car to leave, my husband looks at me and says "She is not your friend anymore. She has no interest in you." I had to fight back tears. For me, I've tried to be there for her and include her in activities and while I expect her to not be able to attend everything, couldn't she carve out a few hours away from her precious daughter for me at some point? Once in a while?

I used to be a part of her family. When she had surgery, I was there. When she was pregnant and gave birth, I took time off from work to be there. I checked in on her every day. I went to her daughter's first birthday party. My mom made her daughter a beautiful hand-made quilt. Then came 2nd birthday, and I wasn't invited.

I thought everything was fine between us until I got married late last year. I hired 3 babysitters to come to the church and babysit the 10 or so children for the 30 minutes we had the ceremony. I did it so they wouldn't cry during the ceremony (about 3 babies) and so the parents could enjoy the event and not worry about their children. My friend thought she was exempt from having to do this with her daughter, and I told her I had to insist on it because I told all of my husband's family they had to do it and that wouldn't be fair (btw, this was a mutual decision between my husband and I to offer this service). She stopped talking to me after that. In fact, she made the comment that she had never had a stranger watch her daughter and she was not going to. I didn't do it to be malicious; I did it because I thought it would be a nice thing to do. It also cost me about $200 to do - that's quite an expense I laid out. No one else had a problem with it.

Now, I'm not the biggest 'kid' person, but I tried hard with my friend. I don't know what else to do, but I've accepted that I'm not in the "mommy club" and I've tried to move on and make other friends.

I guess what I've realized is that I truly have nothing in common with her anymore because I don't have children. Even though I've tried.

From my perspective, she is glued to the hip of her daughter and doesn't have time or interest for anything else. Including me.

As for the OP, I'm so glad that you are interested in getting out! Just keep calling your friends and asking them to do things with you - eventually they will get the hint. And don't be afraid to do things by yourself - attend a class at the local craft store. You will make friends there!

Last edited by saltycatco; 10-13-2005 at 06:09 AM..
saltycatco is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-13-2005, 06:35 AM   #36
Dirty Dozen Alumni
 
JanTInk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Set into the baseboard of your stamping room
Posts: 18,033
Default

I drifted away from several work friends after I had my kids.

It's hard for people without kids to realize, but once you have them your perspective changes and for the first couple of years, you are totally wrapped up in your child and issues related to child rearing.

I found with my work friends that we just had nothing to talk about anymore. They wanted to talk about work and, frankly, it was boring, especially since they talked about people I had never met while I was there in a manner that implied that I should know who they were and be interested in what was going on.

I, of course, had nothing to talk about but my child and you could see the eyes glazing over when the subject came up.

However, this phase only lasts a few years; pretty soon women with children DO get interested in talking about other subjects. By then the friends w/o kids have drifted away.

There are other issues of course; people w/o kids don't know when to call, so they don't. And invariably when you have kids, the minute you get on the phone to talk is exactly when your child needs something NOW. It never fails...so that's why people with kids stop calling, except to people who have BTDT and don't get irritated.

As far as the babysitting issue, this was obvioiusly your friend's first child...after you have your second one, you are not as overprotective of who will watch your child. I probably would have left a toddler in the care of your babysitters...as long as they were of an age that I thought was responsible, I knew them, and there was more than one of them. But if I didn't feel comfortable with the child care provided, I wouldn't use it...I simply would find my own babysitter or not attend your wedding at all.

I didn't specify this at my wedding and people made the choice...if they wanted to enjoy themselves without their children, they had the choice of getting their own babysitter. If they brought their children, they had the responsibility to remove their children if they got too loud. We didn't have any babies at our wedding, but I wouldn't have been upset if there had been and one started to cry. There is no such thing as the perfect wedding...most of the weddings I've been to where this was the goal turned out to be pretty boring, IMHO, LOL!
JanTInk is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-13-2005, 08:21 AM   #37
Stazon Splitcoast
 
saltycatco's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 59,809
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JanTInk
But if I didn't feel comfortable with the child care provided, I wouldn't use it...I simply would find my own babysitter or not attend your wedding at all.

...There is no such thing as the perfect wedding...most of the weddings I've been to where this was the goal turned out to be pretty boring, IMHO, LOL!
Jantink, my wedding was very exciting! We had clapping, singing, lots of laughter, and it was a lot of fun - minus the children, who had a ball at the reception. One older child was actually relieved that he didn't have to sit through the ceremony and almost jumped for joy when his mom told him he could stay with the sitters.

Oh, and I wasn't after the perfect wedding.

Just for clarification, there were 3 sitters ranging in age from 22-45, all were local school teachers, and were very reliable.

As for your comment about not being comfortable with the sitters and actually not attending the wedding because of that...there is the problem. Sorry, this just irked me because this is exactly how my friend thinks. If things don't go her way, she doesn't come. She was my best friend - for me, it would not even be an option to not attend an important event like my friend's wedding over something as stupid as babysitting. Give me a break - I understand being protective of your children, but you can be away from them for 30 MINUTES while you participate in a wedding. That will not kill you or your child. AND I am a very responsible person and I checked these people out before I hired them. They came highly recommended and I checked references and spoke to them at length before I hired them on. Do you honestly think I would put my friend's & family's children at risk during my wedding?

Okay, I will get down off of my "no-children, don't understand" soapbox. No offense intended.

BTW, I neglected to say that my friend (who was a bridesmaid) made her husband stay home with their daughter so he missed our wedding entirely.
saltycatco is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-13-2005, 08:52 AM   #38
Dirty Dozen Alumni
 
JanTInk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Set into the baseboard of your stamping room
Posts: 18,033
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by saltycatco
Jantink, my wedding was very exciting! We had clapping, singing, lots of laughter, and it was a lot of fun - minus the children, who had a ball at the reception. One older child was actually relieved that he didn't have to sit through the ceremony and almost jumped for joy when his mom told him he could stay with the sitters.

Oh, and I wasn't after the perfect wedding.

Just for clarification, there were 3 sitters ranging in age from 22-45, all were local school teachers, and were very reliable.

As for your comment about not being comfortable with the sitters and actually not attending the wedding because of that...there is the problem. Sorry, this just irked me because this is exactly how my friend thinks. If things don't go her way, she doesn't come. She was my best friend - for me, it would not even be an option to not attend an important event like my friend's wedding over something as stupid as babysitting. Give me a break - I understand being protective of your children, but you can be away from them for 30 MINUTES while you participate in a wedding. That will not kill you or your child. AND I am a very responsible person and I checked these people out before I hired them. They came highly recommended and I checked references and spoke to them at length before I hired them on. Do you honestly think I would put my friend's & family's children at risk during my wedding?

Okay, I will get down off of my "no-children, don't understand" soapbox. No offense intended.

BTW, I neglected to say that my friend (who was a bridesmaid) made her husband stay home with their daughter so he missed our wedding entirely.
Well, there you go. Some people say "babysitters" and they mean three 13 year old children who refuse to change diapers. Obviously, yours were not.

Your friend, being a member of the wedding party would surely have known about your precautions, so yes, her behavior is puzzling, but she sounds like the typical overprotective mother of a first child. Like Steve Martin says in "Parenthood" "by the time the third one comes along, you let 'em juggle knives!" Parents are conditioned these days to doubt themselves so much and to be so frightened of the world outside that the impulse to wrap their child up in a cocoon is extremely easy to fall into. The parenting mags all play into this...if you read them enough, you end up obsessing over EVERYTHING. Just to give you a glimpse into your friend's brain...I got over this fairly quickly, but then I was so overwhelmed by motherhood that at one point, I probably would have handed my child over to ANYONE for 30 minutes if they looked reasonably nice, LOL! I stopped reading parenting magazines and learned to relax!

I wasn't trying to critique your wedding, just the obsession of some brides in general that the wedding be so absolutely perfect, that everything is "just so" and if anything happens that is not "just so" it will totally RUIN everything. I'm sure you know a few of those My wedding was a fairly homespun affair, including the blue grass band and the self-catered reception, but everyone had a good time. My dad was heard to say if he had know what a good party it was going to be, he would have paid for the whole thing (I told him: you still can! but I've been waiting 22 years and he has yet to pay up!)

IF your friend has gone on to have more children, you may find that she has changed her overprotective ways and has mellowed out considerably.
JanTInk is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-13-2005, 09:09 AM   #39
Glitter Guru
 
Buckeye Stamper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 5,282
Smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by saltycatco
I'd like to join in from the opposite side of the fence here...no children, but all my 'friends' have kids.

My "best" friend has a 2 year old daughter that I have not seen in a year.

I've invited my friend, her husband, and daughter to my house numerous times, to stamping events numerous times, to meet me at the local craft store numerous times, to meet me for lunch numerous times, and every time, and I mean every time, she has an excuse. (She even told me she couldn't come to my house because it was not 'child-friendly' - meaning, I didn't have the plugs in every recepticle, child-proof locks on the doors, etc.)

And there are no reciprical invites from her at all.

I gave up trying.

Two weekends ago my husband and I decide to go to a local farm to pick pumpkins, and we ran into my friend & her family. When we were done there, and got in the car to leave, my husband looks at me and says "She is not your friend anymore. She has no interest in you." I had to fight back tears. For me, I've tried to be there for her and include her in activities and while I expect her to not be able to attend everything, couldn't she carve out a few hours away from her precious daughter for me at some point? Once in a while?

I used to be a part of her family. When she had surgery, I was there. When she was pregnant and gave birth, I took time off from work to be there. I checked in on her every day. I went to her daughter's first birthday party. My mom made her daughter a beautiful hand-made quilt. Then came 2nd birthday, and I wasn't invited.

I thought everything was fine between us until I got married late last year. I hired 3 babysitters to come to the church and babysit the 10 or so children for the 30 minutes we had the ceremony. I did it so they wouldn't cry during the ceremony (about 3 babies) and so the parents could enjoy the event and not worry about their children. My friend thought she was exempt from having to do this with her daughter, and I told her I had to insist on it because I told all of my husband's family they had to do it and that wouldn't be fair (btw, this was a mutual decision between my husband and I to offer this service). She stopped talking to me after that. In fact, she made the comment that she had never had a stranger watch her daughter and she was not going to. I didn't do it to be malicious; I did it because I thought it would be a nice thing to do. It also cost me about $200 to do - that's quite an expense I laid out. No one else had a problem with it.

Now, I'm not the biggest 'kid' person, but I tried hard with my friend. I don't know what else to do, but I've accepted that I'm not in the "mommy club" and I've tried to move on and make other friends.

I guess what I've realized is that I truly have nothing in common with her anymore because I don't have children. Even though I've tried.

From my perspective, she is glued to the hip of her daughter and doesn't have time or interest for anything else. Including me.

As for the OP, I'm so glad that you are interested in getting out! Just keep calling your friends and asking them to do things with you - eventually they will get the hint. And don't be afraid to do things by yourself - attend a class at the local craft store. You will make friends there!

See your friend is one of those jerks that I was talking about. If you have someone treat you like that, DH is right, she is not your friend. However, you can't assume that everyone with kids is like her. That gives the rest of us a bad rap.

I actually experienced this same thing before I had kids. Completely shut out because I wasn't in the mommy club. Ironicly by one of the friends I mentioned above. Jerks I tell you. It really hurts. What's worse is once you have a kid you expect them to be there for you and they've moved on to soccer and dance and your little problems weren't your little problems.

That being said, I have to at least say - sometimes brides are pretty selfish and don't consider other people's feelings. They take the stand, my wedding, my day, my rules. If you are going to do that, you have to suffer the consequences. They don't always realize that some of the people invited have been to 15 weddings in the past 2 years and although they love the bride and groom - stressing over some of the details becomes a funny joke to them.

But I've gotta agree with you on the "suck it up, get a sitter, act like a grown up and come to the wedding!"

Sounds like we've got a bit in common!
Buckeye Stamper is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-13-2005, 09:15 AM   #40
Glitter Guru
 
Buckeye Stamper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: NW Ohio
Posts: 5,282
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetstamping
Maybe you have the "Baby Blues". You sound more like you are depressed than just feeling isolated/fustrated. As a mom of 3 little ones, I can honestly say I haven't referred to my children as "the baby". Maybe you were just avoiding having to tell us all your precious one's name, but over and over you refer to your child as "the baby", like it is the cause of your pain.

I too went through feelings of isolation...but it mainly was over the fact that my hubby and I were the first out of all our friends to be married and have a family. I think singles and married couples without children have very different priorities and cannot fully understand motherhood. If they don't have children, that toy that got left behind at their home is NOT going to be a priority to return...they just don't understand how important that toy is to your child or you.

I had to start going out by myself for a while, and then search for new friends that shared my interests in life now - family. It was hard in the beginning, but joining a Mom's group (MOPS) really did help. I also got to know other young mom's in our church...through our directory, and that changed our lives. Our church also offers a marriage group called Home Builders. They provide free babysitting once a month for hubby's and wife's to go on a date night...and leave baby with a loving sitter at the church nursery. What a blessing that has been in our lives. I too have no family close by, my Mom is the closest but she is still working full-time, so not much time for her take the kiddos off our hands.

But, I would really encourage you to see your doctor. My best friend ended up having the "baby blues" after her first child, and she seemed to display all the same feelings of fustration and isolation and overwhelmed feelings you have written about above. She made small changes to her diet and daily routine, hired a sitter to go on date nights with her hubby once a month, and ended up on medication for 3 months to balance out her moods/hormones. It was not all emotional, it was a physical too. Pregnancy can do a number on our systems, and then the lack of sleep (true, uninterrupted, deep sleep), and the many tasks we do for our youngin's...whew, we can get burnt out fast.

I wish you well, and hopefully you can make some small changes in your life to get you back on track, and enjoying being a mother...it is the most wonderful experience! Hugs...
Hi,

Thanks for the reply.

I used the term the "baby" to try to remain slightly protected and not get too personal. It was hard enough for me to post this to begin with.

It sounds like you have great resources with your church. Ours is very small.

I am working on the MOM's group.

I understand with what you are saying about the baby blues, but perhaps you've misinterpreted some of my "coldness" to be my attempt at privacy. I understand it is a serious issue. However, I love being a Mom and hanging out with the baby. I FEEL the stress on my body and the lack of sleep. I think that is the main issue. I have the headaches to prove it. I am not typically overwhelmingly sad. Everyone has their days tho. I do not have the desire to stay in bed all day (although 7 hours would rock!) I don't want to get away from the baby, i just want some ME time. AND I just want my friends to want some time with ME.

Thanks for your concern.
Buckeye Stamper is offline  
Tweet this Post! Share on Facebook Reddit!! Pin on Pinterest! Share on Google+!
Reply With Quote
Reply





Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
do you assume the best or worst of people? mamakimberly Everyday Chit Chat 33 04-16-2005 03:38 PM