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Old 02-13-2013, 07:13 AM   #1
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Default How do you deal with kids lieing??

HELP.....PLEASE......I'm at my wits end!!

Background: Married 22 years. Kids: Ages 12, 11, 8, 5. I try very hard to keep family/values at the center, eat dinner as a family, talk to the kids, avoid sassy/violent movies/games. Limit wii and computer. I work full time night shift and sacrifice ALOT of sleep to keep them OUT of daycare and to be up when kids get home. I am at their school 3-4 times a week. All 4 go to Catholic school. My husband only works part-time. He is a part time stay home Dad, but doesn't really engage them....just shrugs when it comes to homework/projects/assignments..."oh that's good enought".

The older 2 just keep lieing!!! Lieing and lieing!!

12 yr old girl: Caught her in TWO lies just this morning!! Both about school/homework/assignments not turned in, etc. I read her email over the weekend in which she lied to her cousin and then I found a paper on her desk "Lies to tell Robin" (the cousin) and had 4 things listed!! WHAT??? She listed out what she was going to lie about....THATS pREMEDITATED!!! She meant to do .....she set out to lie to her. That's worse then getting backed into a corner just to lie your way out. KWIM??

11yr old boy: Over Christmas break, the little nieghbor boy came to the door and wanted his "toy" back. My son INSISITED, to the point of TEARS that he didn't have it. Neighbor kid siad "I saw it in your room". I said "If I find that item in your room, you will be in trouble" Son "Ok Mom, but its not there". OF COURSE, I found it in back of closet, obvioously tyring to be hidden, and he said "But I thought he GAVE it to me" "then you should have given it back when he came to get it!!!" Took away Mind Craft for one week. So then yesterday before school: BOLD FACE LIE TO MY FACE, insisting that he had brushed his teeth when he truely had not. I told him this morning, TWO weeks of mind craft as punishment.

PLEASE.....tell me what to do!!!!

I toally lost it this morning and when on a crazy-mother screaming rage and now I hate myself for it......
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Old 02-15-2013, 07:10 PM   #2
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First of all, it sounds like you're doing everything right. And a whole lot of it on your own too.

Second, kids (and adults) lie at different ages for different reasons. For preteens, it may be to avoid doing something they don't want to do (brushing teeth), or it may be to seem more important or exciting than they are (lies to the cousin - I'm guessing, not knowing what the lies are), to get out of trouble, or to spare someone's feelings.

One of the most important things, for any age, is NOT to ask a question you already know the answer to, that is setting someone up to lie. If you know he didn't brush his teeth, don't ask him if he did. Just say, "you haven't brushed your teeth, go do it now."

For your daughter, it's going to be a little more difficult. I would suggest googling "adolescent lying" to read up on the effects of lying, and then have a serious conversation with her about it.

Hang in there.

Oh, and another suggestion... try "commando parenting". Take away whatever is important to them, and all electronics. They can earn them back one by one. You can also take the door off their room, if necessary. They can earn that back too.
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Old 02-15-2013, 10:57 PM   #3
This reminds me of a Star Trek episode....
 
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Mine are grown now, but a good friend of mine had a great way of handling her kids' lying. She sat them down at some point and told them that whatever they did, that was wrong, that they might lie about, that would deserve punishment, well, if they lied about it, the punishment for the lie would be WORSE than any punishment for telling the truth. It took a few times, but they seemed to get the message. They didn't overreact to the bad deeds, but took a really hard line on the lies.

And good luck, it does seem like you're working pretty hard on it. Just keep talking to them, about how important it is. Don't let them get to you. Yeah that's easier said than done.
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Old 02-16-2013, 08:29 AM   #4
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I have given my two lovely nieces and my son and daughter-in-law two books by the same author, books I wish I would have had when we were raising our three children. The family practice doctor I work for has raised his son using these books as a guide and he has the books available at the office for purchase. The books are common sense, easy to read, and easy to put into practice. The first book is 1-2-3 Magic - Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 and the second book is Surviving Your Adolescents- How to Manage and Let Go Of Your 13-18 Year Olds. The author is Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. Try them at the library first - Cost is about $12.00 each.
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Old 02-16-2013, 01:33 PM   #5
This reminds me of a Star Trek episode....
 
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Oh that reminded me of another book I found very helpful, and had a sense of humor.

"Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the Mall?" by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D.
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Old 02-17-2013, 08:30 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by squirrellyshirley View Post
HELP.....PLEASE......I'm at my wits end!!

Background: Married 22 years. Kids: Ages 12, 11, 8, 5. I try very hard to keep family/values at the center, eat dinner as a family, talk to the kids, avoid sassy/violent movies/games. Limit wii and computer. I work full time night shift and sacrifice ALOT of sleep to keep them OUT of daycare and to be up when kids get home. I am at their school 3-4 times a week. All 4 go to Catholic school. My husband only works part-time. He is a part time stay home Dad, but doesn't really engage them....just shrugs when it comes to homework/projects/assignments..."oh that's good enought".

The older 2 just keep lieing!!! Lieing and lieing!!

12 yr old girl: Caught her in TWO lies just this morning!! Both about school/homework/assignments not turned in, etc. I read her email over the weekend in which she lied to her cousin and then I found a paper on her desk "Lies to tell Robin" (the cousin) and had 4 things listed!! WHAT??? She listed out what she was going to lie about....THATS pREMEDITATED!!! She meant to do .....she set out to lie to her. That's worse then getting backed into a corner just to lie your way out. KWIM??

11yr old boy: Over Christmas break, the little nieghbor boy came to the door and wanted his "toy" back. My son INSISITED, to the point of TEARS that he didn't have it. Neighbor kid siad "I saw it in your room". I said "If I find that item in your room, you will be in trouble" Son "Ok Mom, but its not there". OF COURSE, I found it in back of closet, obvioously tyring to be hidden, and he said "But I thought he GAVE it to me" "then you should have given it back when he came to get it!!!" Took away Mind Craft for one week. So then yesterday before school: BOLD FACE LIE TO MY FACE, insisting that he had brushed his teeth when he truely had not. I told him this morning, TWO weeks of mind craft as punishment.

PLEASE.....tell me what to do!!!!

I toally lost it this morning and when on a crazy-mother screaming rage and now I hate myself for it......

Oh dear, do not hate yourself for 'losing it' - it just means you care and are a normal mom.

Have found that when children lie, there is usually something deeper behind that type of behavior, for example, the need to control, lack of self-worth and other things... the lies are just a symptom of the underlying problem. Dr. James Dobson's Focus on the Family is an excellent resource for books and other materials that could be helpful. (1-800-A-Family is the phone #)
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Old 02-17-2013, 03:27 PM   #7
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Thank you......I will look up those books.

I have the book "How To Behave So Your Children Will Too" and it is helpful altho I admit, I'm not very good at follow through and am I now seeing the consequences of that!! I am started to WRITE down the "punishment" on sticky notes so I don't go back on the punishment b/c I "forgot"!!

EESSHH.....I'd go back to poopy diapers ANY day.....this just keeps getting harder!! LOL!!
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Old 02-17-2013, 11:50 PM   #8
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Thanks to the OP for this thread as I learned some things in reading it. I wanted to share a revelation I made about myself several years ago. I am one of those individuals who truly hates confrontation and having people mad or disappointed in me and consequently had made a life-long habit of telling "little, white lies" to avoid disappointment and confrontation. I would tell someone that traffic was terrible instead of admitting that I should have left my house 10 minutes earlier or making up stories to get out of meeting someone when I didn't want to go out. I was terrified that I would pass this onto my kids when I became a mom, so now we openly talk about how it can be uncomfortable to tell the truth sometime, but that it really is the best policy. My 7 year old had taken to those little white lies a few months ago, but we seem to be turning the corner now.
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