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I struggle with this also. And when it does come up, I hurt and ache. But I am getting through it more quickly now. I try to focus on what really matters in my life. I try to remember that I can choose to not to let it eat me up. Instead I can choose to let it go. I try not to let them have power over me...he is no longer my concern, therefore it is not imperative I have a super relationship with all of his relatives.
Christina - I go to parties alone all the time. I live in a very married town and I had to make the choice to miss out or suck it up and go. I choose the later.
__________________ Jen
It's too bad that all the people who are smart enough to run the country are busy teaching school.
Yeah I will get over it. I got my papers today to finalize the divorce. He is trying to get away with a bunch of crap. The funniest thing is he put that I dont want to change my last name. What a joke! He is just a jerk!
You can ask your lawyer to write into your divorce that you can change your name at "any time" thereafter. So you can do it when you feel you want to. I couldn't decide so that is what I did. I will wait to see if my girl's marry. If they do and take their husband's names, I will change mine. I just want the three of us to have the same last name right now.
It's funny the things they think they can control. The kids dad tried to control me even after the divorce, I would just laugh at him. Boy did that tick him off... lol
__________________
~Mary~
Happiness is in the Heart, not in the Circumstances
My avatar is me with my grandchildren
I am just so sick of him right now. I want this to be done and over with! I just got out of the hospital and the first thing I find is my divorce papers waiting for me! What a jerk!
Yeah I will get over it. I got my papers today to finalize the divorce. He is trying to get away with a bunch of crap. The funniest thing is he put that I dont want to change my last name. What a joke! He is just a jerk!
Mine was shocked too. Idiots. Even though his name sucks!! And I am hyphenated, for a number of reasons (A. his name (body part name) B. estranged from his father, so the name means nothing)
That being said, I will be changing, but if the parents, kids, neighbors call me by the same name, I don't care. I understand all that.
__________________ Jen
It's too bad that all the people who are smart enough to run the country are busy teaching school.
I am just so sick of him right now. I want this to be done and over with! I just got out of the hospital and the first thing I find is my divorce papers waiting for me! What a jerk!
Sorry for everyone too! Really finding out how hard it is in all aspects and wish I would have been there more for my aunt who went through this 20 years ago when divorce wasn't as common as it is now.
I sometimes sit and wonder what it would be like if our roles were reversed... would he have been as blind sided by this whole thing as I was?! Guess I can't really dwell on it because it doesn't really matter.
I am so frustrated. I am going through electroconvulsive therapy and asked my husband to postpone the paperwork until I can be in the right mindset. Do you think he waited? no! I can't afford a lawyer and have no idea what to do now. I am so helpless right now.
Make a poster and print:
"Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space"
I have it on an 8 1/2 x 11 and plan to post at work.
Oprah has this over her desk.
Good idea! I have so many ideas going through my head, I think I need to make a journal of daily thoughts or inspirational quotes or something like that.
I am so frustrated. I am going through electroconvulsive therapy and asked my husband to postpone the paperwork until I can be in the right mindset. Do you think he waited? no! I can't afford a lawyer and have no idea what to do now. I am so helpless right now.
I hope things get easier for you. I'd think a judge would be able to delay things, but I suppose you need the lawyer to work that out. Sorry.
Sure is quiet around here. Can't stop crying today.
I'm so sorry that you are having a bad day. We've all had those kind of days, just try to think of it as clearing out all the bad stuff, to make room for joy and happiness. I also know that it doesn't matter what anyone says or does, you will still cry, because it's part of the process.
Hugs
__________________
~Mary~
Happiness is in the Heart, not in the Circumstances
My avatar is me with my grandchildren
Hello back at you all! It was a busy week for everyone I'll bet! I am really fried myself. I am taking today as an official off my feet day. I was so tired last night I was near tears. That is when I just have to laze around for a day, as boring as that sounds and rest up. Haven't even showered yet!
It is one honking process isn't it? Crying and getting angry are appropriate. It is good to get it out. If you don't, it will last all the longer I think. Laughing is good too--- and sometimes it is funny, believe it or not. And, keeping in mind you are not alone. Many many ppl are going through what you are or similar, at this very moment. Some before you, some yet to come. And in the midst of the pain, there are, really, some good things!
I never would have gone back to school and got the job I have, which I "mostly", love. I never would have seen the strength in myself or my DD's. Yes some things are gone. But new, better things have come in place of them. Better, by far. You will have so many good things to choose from! The best is yet to come! You are a butterfly coming out of the cocoon....ready to fly!
I'm so sorry that you are having a bad day. We've all had those kind of days, just try to think of it as clearing out all the bad stuff, to make room for joy and happiness. I also know that it doesn't matter what anyone says or does, you will still cry, because it's part of the process.
Hugs
Thanks. I guess the positive side of it is that these hard days are after longer stretches of good, strong days!
Hello back at you all! It was a busy week for everyone I'll bet! I am really fried myself. I am taking today as an official off my feet day. I was so tired last night I was near tears. That is when I just have to laze around for a day, as boring as that sounds and rest up. Haven't even showered yet!
It is one honking process isn't it? Crying and getting angry are appropriate. It is good to get it out. If you don't, it will last all the longer I think. Laughing is good too--- and sometimes it is funny, believe it or not. And, keeping in mind you are not alone. Many many ppl are going through what you are or similar, at this very moment. Some before you, some yet to come. And in the midst of the pain, there are, really, some good things!
I never would have gone back to school and got the job I have, which I "mostly", love. I never would have seen the strength in myself or my DD's. Yes some things are gone. But new, better things have come in place of them. Better, by far. You will have so many good things to choose from! The best is yet to come! You are a butterfly coming out of the cocoon....ready to fly!
Yep, I'm finally realizing what everyone is saying, and I know I'm not the first, only, and certainly not the last. It is a process and it will take time; can't twitch like in Betwitched and make the change in seconds.
Anyway, I'm going to add the highlighted statement above to my thoughts book because that really sums it up nicely!!! Thanks!
I am so frustrated. I am going through electroconvulsive therapy and asked my husband to postpone the paperwork until I can be in the right mindset. Do you think he waited? no! I can't afford a lawyer and have no idea what to do now. I am so helpless right now.
Christina, sorry things are so tough for you! But wanted to repeat this statement since it might help you along the way too:
The best is yet to come! You are a butterfly coming out of the cocoon....ready to fly!
Rescue mission! Our thread was about to fall off the bottom of the page! CPR being administered. Will start IV fluids and oxygen. Hope to hear from more ladies soon!
Hope everyone is having a good Saturday morning! My DD went off to take a test for Grad school this am. It is called, GMAT and is quite difficult. I am having a quiet time with coffee and catching up on emails and such. Feels good after a hectic week.
Hi everyone! Hope you are having a good weekend!! We are having a clam bake here in Maine. It's a little hard being around all these families and not have my husband but I know I am better off without him!
Hi everyone! Hope you are having a good weekend!! We are having a clam bake here in Maine. It's a little hard being around all these families and not have my husband but I know I am better off without him!
I have always dreamed of going to an East Coast clam bake! Just like right out of a novel! Have a great time Christina!
I have a question, maybe someone here has had some experience with something like this. I have been divorced for 11 years and remarried for 10. My son started college last fall, so he will begin his sophomore year next month. In our agreement, it said we were to visit college issues at a later time. As you know... that later time arrived last spring! Well, between his scholarships, etc., and a student loan he took, it left about $14K for my ex and I to split. WELL, my ex, whose combined income along with his wife's is $160K (much, much less than mine and my husband's combined! LOL), didn't want to pay it. He wanted to pay NOTHING for college... now mind you, this is for a kid who is a GREAT kid, never in any trouble, good athlete, got a 29 on his ACT and a 15K academic scholarship. He also took out the max student loan offered, $5,500. I think it's the least we can do. Anyway, I had to go back to court, and the judge ordered us to split what was left, the $7000 each. Here we are just a year later now, and he is doing the same thing. I wish the judge hadn't ruled for one year only! I had hoped that when he saw how great our son did, he would not make an issue (he got straight A's second semester), but what was I thinking! LOL. Anyway, I don't want to pay a retainer AGAIN. Such a waste of money. The lawyer I had was TERRIBLE, I can get into that at another time. I have e-mailed her and called her to ask her this, but NO REPLY. I might just go over there Tuesday ... show up unannounced. BUT, anyway, I want to go back to force him into paying for half (not one dime more than I am paying), but can I just do this somehow on my own? Is this an easy thing? Thought I'd ask here if anyone had any similar experience with anything like this.
I've learned SO MUCH as time has gone on... all the "weak spots" in our agreement. The biggest thing goes back to THIS issue.... be specific and don't put too much stuff in "to be determined later." Be as specific as possible. If I had even had, "split all reasonable costs" I would probably be OK. Who knew then ... the kids were 2 and 7!! I was just trying to get through the day, not really at all focused on college, LOL.
Live and learn though, right!?!?! And I have learned!!
Jen- I will take you up on your offer! A clambake in your kitchen, or ANY seafood done by you would be awesome!
Oh boy, regarding the college issue. I have struggled with this. As soon as we divorced he stopped paying for the oldest's college costs, she was a Junior. We had to take out loans and we could not get the judge to order him to help pay. In our state anyway, you can not order them to pay for or even help with college! The kids are adults, is their reasoning!
We got the impression at that point he was in flux. When the second was due for college he told her he would help some. He approved the college she chose and was given all details. One month after she was dropped off and settled into that school, he emailed me and said, Oh so sorry, I have decided not to help. So it all has fallen and continues to fall on me, loans, scholarships. She is still in school and it has been rough. But we are doing it!
We had to go back to court for other issues, he made this big deal about how we never planned to send the kids to college. Baloney. That was all he pounded into them during their school years! The judge asked me to respond and I of course explained our views on education and how the girls were raised. He took that into consideration when he decided on the other issues we were there for, but could not make him help play for her college.
Jen- I will take you up on your offer! A clambake in your kitchen, or ANY seafood done by you would be awesome!
Oh boy, regarding the college issue. I have struggled with this. As soon as we divorced he stopped paying for the oldest's college costs, she was a Junior. We had to take out loans and we could not get the judge to order him to help pay. In our state anyway, you can not order them to pay for or even help with college! The kids are adults, is their reasoning!
We got the impression at that point he was in flux. When the second was due for college he told her he would help some. He approved the college she chose and was given all details. One month after she was dropped off and settled into that school, he emailed me and said, Oh so sorry, I have decided not to help. So it all has fallen and continues to fall on me, loans, scholarships. She is still in school and it has been rough. But we are doing it!
We had to go back to court for other issues, he made this big deal about how we never planned to send the kids to college. Baloney. That was all he pounded into them during their school years! The judge asked me to respond and I of course explained our views on education and how the girls were raised. He took that into consideration when he decided on the other issues we were there for, but could not make him help play for her college.
Wow!! What state are you in? You know, there is a part of this that you really can't dwell on, or it will eat you alive.... the fact that they put themselves before their kids on something so big as college!!!! If I had the means, I would pay for it all myself, just to not have to deal with him on it, because it has been SO stressful... not worth it.
What did your agreement say about college? That's dumb that the judge said that... that the kid is responsible. As expensive as college is, and as bad as the job market could be for these kids, it's really not a fair or practical ruling.
In my search to find a silver lining in all of this, my son is FINALLY seeing his dad for the person he is. I never bashed him, never praised him either, but sort of kept quiet all these years and didn't let the two of them be exposed to the bad stuff... they are good kids and didn't want them to get hurt. BUT now my son is really seeing his father for what he is, and that's when it all will stick.
Makes you feel bad for all the kids out there that don't have someone to look out for them on this issue.
AND ... like I said ... if I was doing an agreement now, I would get this iron clad ... to split costs evenly, right from the start, even if the kids were babies! LESSON LEARNED!
Thanks for the helpful insights... making notes of everything as my case moves forward.
You know, that would seriously be my biggest advice.... don't leave anything vague. I was going through my agreement from 2000 and was shocked how much vague stuff was in there, some to my advantage, some not, some neutral. The thing is when you are going through it all, there are so many emotions, and if there are kids, and you are the parent primarily dealing with them... they become your focus... and rightfully so. BUT what is hard to realize (especially for things further down the road) is that making the best agreement at the time of the divorce is just as important to the kids as what is going on right at that moment. I'd hate to see anyone's child/children not get to go to college because of some vague wording in a document. That phrase "to be revisited at a later time" is a KILLER!
I am in a state where it is a 50/50 split. Children are considered adults at 18, support for them in any way, ends. I argued until I was blue in the face about college.
As for me, I went back to bed after doing some early morning chores. Just done with laundry now, heading to the grocery store! Hoping tomorrow is free of chores!
I am in a state where it is a 50/50 split. Children are considered adults at 18, support for them in any way, ends. I argued until I was blue in the face about college.
Me too. No college ruling allowed. I tried.
__________________ Jen
It's too bad that all the people who are smart enough to run the country are busy teaching school.
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