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Old 05-10-2011, 05:19 AM   #121
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I hope you all had a good mothers day! I found out my husband finally got the paperwork for filing for divorce. It is so hard to even think he is going to do this. I am ready for him to get the ball rolling.
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Old 05-10-2011, 08:11 AM   #122
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Christina, how long has it been between when you knew this was happening and now? It sounds like you want to get the show on the road. Don't blame you...you sound ready and strong.

I still have moments I can't believe...never in a million years did I expect things to turn out this way. Yet, in so many ways, so many good things have come out of it. Good things for me in terms of growth and new challenges. Some of it didn't feel so good, at the time. But has turned out to be very very good.

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Old 05-10-2011, 08:14 AM   #123
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He told me two days before Christmas that he wanted a divorce. He is just now getting the papers to file. I am so frustrated with him. He wants to do this without lawyers but I think he will just walk all over me. Errr
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Old 05-10-2011, 11:00 AM   #124
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Stay strong Christina! Get a lawyer!
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Old 05-10-2011, 02:14 PM   #125
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Make sure you get a lawyer. Trust me.
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Old 05-11-2011, 03:44 AM   #126
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Run and get an attorney! Protect yourself! Trust me....Taishea
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Old 05-11-2011, 03:57 AM   #127
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OK, I will do what I can to get a lawyer.
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Old 05-11-2011, 04:03 AM   #128
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Many will take a payment plan. Put it on a credit card. Lots of options.
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Old 05-11-2011, 04:05 AM   #129
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yeah funds is the issue. Hopefully I can get some help from my parents.
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Old 05-11-2011, 04:07 AM   #130
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I'm not sure how things work in your state Chistina, but when I divorced, we requested that he pay for my attorney. I borrowed them money to get things started, (I filed) but he had to pay the remainder. Stay strong, don't let him walk all over you. Be choosey when you pick your attorney, get someone that will stand up for you.
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Old 05-11-2011, 04:10 AM   #131
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Well I have a friend who said he would represent me as long as we dont fight over very small things. I will have to look into how my state works with making him pay the bill. I think he should since he was the one who left me and because of the way he just abandoned me in Maine.
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Old 05-11-2011, 04:15 AM   #132
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I borrowed the money too.
Make sure your friend has experience in court and with divorce and these judges.
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Old 05-11-2011, 04:18 AM   #133
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I wouldn't feel comfortable with an attorney that puts conditions on how they will represent me, either you are going to give it your all or your not. That is just my opinion.

Praying for you.
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Old 05-11-2011, 04:21 AM   #134
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Of course you're not going to fight over a VCR, but what might be little to him might not be little to you. So, be careful!
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Old 05-11-2011, 04:22 AM   #135
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Yeah I might need to rethink who I want to represent me. I am so not looking forward to any of this.
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Old 05-11-2011, 06:46 AM   #136
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From this point on, it is about money. Think of yourself as a business that needs representation, legally, to make sure things happen fairly. You almost have to be the CEO of yourself. Try to separate this part from your hurt and emotions, if you can.

You wouldn't put a new engine in your car yourself, bacause you want someone who does this every day, to do it right and safely. In our situations, we need someone who does divorce every day, has seen everything, lots of experience....so in the end you know you did all you could for a fair decision. Many settle for way less than they should trying to be easy going. You have many years ahead. You deserve a fair and good decision.
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Old 05-11-2011, 06:48 AM   #137
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Hedgie that is so true. I need to make sure I take care of this correctly so I dont regret not standing up for myself in the end.
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Old 05-11-2011, 06:59 AM   #138
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You betcha Sister!
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Old 05-12-2011, 01:13 AM   #139
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That's exactly what I am doing. This is a business decision and he committed fraud against me, so.....

Still doesn't make the nerves go away! LOL
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Old 05-12-2011, 05:50 PM   #140
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Jen, what is the schedule again? Is there one more mediation is the trial the next thing? Do you go in and have a bit of a run through with your lawyer to practice?
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Old 05-12-2011, 05:53 PM   #141
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I am confused, so do most people go through a mediation? Do you have to go to court to get divorced? I am wondering because I am in Maine and he is in Minnesota. I am obviously so clueless!
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Old 05-12-2011, 06:00 PM   #142
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Christina - most important point first:

Go to court asap and file. Why? You have cause for abandonment. And you don't want him to file in Minny and you have to fly out there for lawyer stuff. File on whatever grounds Maine allows and you can justify. My state is no fault AND fault. Maine may be no fault. i don't know.

Most states want you to mediate first - it is cheaper and doesn't take up the court's time. Of course, you get jerks ( like my STBX) and prolong the thing and you end up in court anyway.

Get a lawyer and file on abandonment. now.
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Old 05-13-2011, 03:31 AM   #143
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Can she file in Maine if they did not live there as a married couple? If so, absolutely do so!
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Old 05-13-2011, 05:03 AM   #144
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For some reason my lawyer I have been talking with told me to wait and let him file. I am not sure what the reason was behind this. Maybe I will have to shoot him an email and see what he says.
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Old 05-13-2011, 01:18 PM   #145
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It's fine, so long as he files in Maine - I'd be worried you'd have to get a Minnesota lawyer, kwim?
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Old 05-13-2011, 03:48 PM   #146
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JMHO, I think it is to your advantage to file, if you can, first. Let us know what your lawyer says.....
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Old 05-13-2011, 06:45 PM   #147
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hmmm, well he will file in Minnesota, thats where he lives and where we got married.
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:25 PM   #148
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I just wanted to wish all the ladies dealing with this issue well. My divorce was finalized in October of last year. We have no children and all the conditions of the divorce settlement agreement were set to be completed within 45 days of the divorce being finalized. Earlier this past week (yes, that would be more than six months after the divorce was finalized), he finally finished the items he had been ordered to do, after a somewhat threatening email nudge from my lawyer (my reminders didn't get me anywhere).

I know that there are several posters here, but I don't know how many others read, so I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of people saying "get a good lawyer." What having a good lawyer did for me:

*explained what I was legally entitled to - I didn't try to get everything I was legally entitled to, but it was good to know what my options were and so I was able to make educated decisions.

*helped me avoid pitfalls - My ex and I worked out our own settlement and just went to court to get the divorce finalized. However, during that process, he would occasionally argue that he should get abc for xyz reason. If it seemed unreasonable to me, I'd tell him and explain why, but then I'd go back to my apartment and start second-guessing myself. I wasn't out to "screw him over" and so having the lawyer to talk to about these items was helpful. In every case, it turned out my gut instinct was correct and his request was not reasonable. I'm glad I didn't let him talk me out of things that should have been mine and that I needed.

*someone to do the paperwork - The lawyer filed all the papers with the court and wrote up the divorce settlement agreement for us. She's also a notary public and so was able to notarize the papers we signed. I'm not a lawyer; typing that stuff up would have been another layer of stress in an already stressful time.

*a third party to move things along - My ex drags his feet on just about everything he doesn't want to do. He'd tell me that he had done something or was in the process of doing something and it would turn out to be untrue. He was married to me; he was used to my reminders and the fact that I'd keep reminding him over and over and over again. Having a lawyer remind him to do something was a lot scarier to him and it would motivate him in circumstances when I wasn't able to get through to him.

*putting consequences into the divorce settlement - I was really concerned about my ex not following through on one part of the divorce settlement. When I told the lawyer about that, she suggested putting in the settlement a consequence if he didn't do that one action within 45 days. He balked when I discussed it with him, but I was able to point out that as long as he did what he was agreeing to do, it wouldn't be an issue. That issue, he took care of in the time frame laid out in the settlement. Another issue that was less important, he put off for six months. I reminded him, it still wasn't resolved. Eventually, I told him that if he didn't get it done within the next 2 weeks, I'd ask the lawyer to take action. He still didn't move on it. It took the lawyer sending him an email telling him that he had until the end of the day to get it done or she was going to take him to court and spelling out the fact that he'd get served by a sheriff, could be found in contempt of court, and could be liable for the court costs, which could be up to $500-$600. Miraculously, he was able to get the issue resolved that day.

*worked with my preferences for the divorce - Some people are naturally very combative, but I wasn't out to get everything I could legally. I wanted to get what I believed was fair. This lawyer was willing and helpful with finding good compromises for our situation. I was tired enough of dealing with my ex, I certainly didn't want to have to fight with my lawyer all the time. On the other hand, if you want to get everything you are legally entitled to (and, I know a lot of people here have children, so it's also a matter of providing for them!), you need to find someone who is willing to be very aggressive.

Divorce is an emotionally exhausting process. So many women say, "I just want to get this done." I was there, I felt the same way. But, if you do that, you'll get steamrolled by unreasonable demands of your ex. You need to make sure the settlement is fair to you.

Good luck everyone!
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Old 05-14-2011, 09:37 AM   #149
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Thank you Trefoil for saying it all so well! You have a way with words!
I had to go the contempt route 2 1/2 years later... so glad I had an attorney to go back to, to make it happen.
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Old 05-14-2011, 01:07 PM   #150
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I had to go the contempt of court route 3 1/2 years later when my ex stopped paying me, the house payment, and a joint credit card I thought he had taken care of.

We all need a lawyer, you wouldn't do your own surgery would you? It's important to have a lawyer, (one you trust to be fair and fight for you if need be). My lawyer was my champion, in my corner, for me and just for me. We all need the protection.
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Old 05-14-2011, 02:24 PM   #151
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I agree we all need a lawyer. I know I need one. I am just trying to figure out how to get one. I am stuck with no job right now and no money. I am hoping my parents can help me out. This is so stressful.
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Old 05-14-2011, 02:52 PM   #152
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Christina, I think most lawyers will meet with you so you can see if you like them. You can ask all those questions about money then. Some ppl meet with several before they decide.
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Old 05-14-2011, 04:40 PM   #153
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So, I was thinking that in less than 48 hours it'll be done! Even though I won't have the results for months.

I spent the day at baseball games. And hosting a birthday party for my little guy. As stressful as it was to get done, I'm glad we're doing it. Haven't thought about him at all during the party until one kid said, "Where's your dad?" Little guy explained like a champ. And he's so happy. He's thanking his friends and hugging me and just happy and exhausted.
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Old 05-14-2011, 06:16 PM   #154
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Glad your party went well Jen! What a champ.
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Old 05-15-2011, 05:48 AM   #155
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I have got to hand it to you Jen, you know how to perservere! Good for you and what a great Mom you are! All will be over soon!
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Old 05-16-2011, 02:55 AM   #156
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Here we goooooo!!!
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:51 AM   #157
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I hope everything goes as well as possible for you today, Jen! Good luck!
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Old 05-16-2011, 11:33 AM   #158
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Good luck Jen
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Old 05-16-2011, 03:41 PM   #159
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Hey everyone! Still remember me? It's been awhile and life has been crazy! The divorce was finalized on Dec 29th - our 21st wedding anniversary. Somehow it seems appropriate that it ended on the same day it began. I put an offer in on a short sale on January 1st but kept getting jerked around so finally pulled my offer. Ended up buying a different house. It's smaller but I love it. We moved about a month ago and have been getting settled. The ex got the old house and moved back in with his current girlfriend. That feels a little weird. We've had little contact. I sent him a text on Mother's Day telling him he needed to see the kids on a regular basis and he told me to 'leave him alone'. I'm really proud of how far I've come in the last couple years. Financially and emotionally. I'm so much better off without him in my life. Still get lonely from time to time but that's normal. The kids seem angrier now...can't help but think part of that is the fact that they don't get any time with Dad. If we agreed in mediation that he'd take them x-amt of the time and he's not doing so...what is my recourse? Can they force him to see them? If nothing else, I could go back and ask for more child support since it was figured on him having the kids part of the time. But it really is more important to me that he spends time with them...I'm not after the money.
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Old 05-16-2011, 03:42 PM   #160
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Long day of trial. Exhausting!
Some good stuff, some bad stuff.
We got back to finish financials tomorrow from 9 - 11.
I was on the stand for about 2 hours and it was fine. Just fine. I wasn't cross examined though. That might come tomorrow. But now that I know the process I know I can handle it.

For any of you lurkers, please, please:

File as soon as possible.
Ask for a preliminary devision of assets asap
Ask for a USO (Uniformed Support Order) asap.
Screw mediation - get those done first and then mediate.
Go for the gusto/the guns/don't try to be nice- you can always back off later.
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