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Old 06-15-2012, 11:35 AM   #1041
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I decided that since the kids are supposed to send the gifts, and he didn't bother to get me anything the kids can buy what ever they want. I also told him that since it was the kids who got the gifts, they couldn't afford to get him much.

Which meant that at Xmas he got the same as me nothing.

Having watched the ex and his girl friend this weekend I realise how lucky I am not to have to be around him anymore he is boring old and has lost his sense of humor.

My kids came out of their house stinking of smoke, like ashtrays, so told him they have a problem as they are moving sometime soon. He was a bit shocked as I keep my mouth shut normally.

Then she comes up and thanks me for letting my kids go to her house, so I told her that she got them as they wanted to go, I don't tell my kids what to do, and she said she was beginning to realise having watched us this weekend that the kids are not lead round by the nose by me as their daddy had told her, infact I think she has seen that someone has been twisting the truth to his own ends. Too top it all I told her that I was livid and we will never be friends, I hate cheats and either she lied or he did, and I could tell her a lot more but I just can't be bothered.

Life is fun, roll on summer.
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Old 06-15-2012, 12:19 PM   #1042
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I wanted the pic of the kids by the school for a long time, we had just never got there. But the kids wanted to give him a copy of it. Would have been for Christmas but youngest wanted dad to be safe running at night so they got him a reflective vest, which his mom also ended up getting him one. hehe

So now dd2 wants to give it to him, "not more tools that he already has." After the sale and coupon, it was either free or only about $1.
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Old 06-15-2012, 12:34 PM   #1043
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Well he is used to you buying nice things, let him see that his girlfriend nowhas that job, and tell your kids they need to save for Father's Day, Birthdays and Xmas for both of you,told my kids and that anything will do it does not have to be expensive, even hand made will do.
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Old 06-17-2012, 06:22 AM   #1044
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To all you ladies that are both Mother and Father to your children..... Happy Father's Day. God Bless you for all you do.
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Old 06-19-2012, 08:14 PM   #1045
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I am not sure how to address Father's Day. My ex is no longer involved with me or my daughters. It is sad but true. He is a cheat, a weak person...

I know you all have many issues to address with your children and all that is involved with the holidays. No matter what, even with my daughter's recent graduation from college, no call, no nothing.

It is bittersweet. I don't have to look him in the eye. Yet, he should be more
involved.
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Old 06-25-2012, 08:58 PM   #1046
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Hi Girls! Today was my birthday, and being that it's my first one in ten years without my husband, it got me thinking about all of you. I hope you're all doing well and coping with the crap that life can throw your way.

I have a lot of good news lately! I just moved in with my brother and his fiance (my best friend of ten years). They are wonderful, and clean! My husband has agreed to give me primary custody of my son in the divorce. I was accepted to the practical nursing program at my school. I'm working at least 40 hours a week right now, (YAY) My son is enjoying sports camps I've enrolled him in this summer, and was the best birthday buddy I could ask for today. My mom was so sweet and gave me flowers and presents. My stepdad caught a bird in the yard and put it in a box for me to open. I thought it was cute and gross at the same time. One of my two best friends is a gay man who completely spoiled me by buying me a dress and heels and taking me to chinatown for lunch. My other bestie made me quiche and fruit pizza for breakfast today. My son and I bought two red-eared slider turtles in chinatown, they are so cute. I've lost over 15 lbs in the past couple months and I'm fitting into my old jeans. My husband was actually checking me out today, too bad so sad.

The universe is smiling on me.
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Old 06-25-2012, 10:25 PM   #1047
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Yay, Rachel, glad you had a great bday!
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Old 06-26-2012, 04:48 AM   #1048
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Belated Happy Birthday Rachel, so glad you had a good day filled with wonderfut experiences.
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Old 06-26-2012, 06:51 AM   #1049
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Well dd2 did not sleep well last night. She kept getting up wondering what time she needed to be up before I go to work in the morning (started a pt job yesterday and only worked 3 hrs so far). Then she got up at 2am and didn't know why. So we "camped" on the living room floor...not very comfy. Suppose she's having a hard time with me working? I left my last pt job right before she was due so I've never really worked since she's been around, the other three were in daycare for a couple days a week.

Nothing is ever easy is it?! *sigh* Off to day two of work, only 4 hrs today, then I don't work until until Monday.
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:34 AM   #1050
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL.


Well done girl, way to go.
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Old 06-27-2012, 08:18 PM   #1051
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Sharron,

I'm finding that I wish I had the kind of self control you do. I got angry last night because me husband took my son to his high school girlfriend's house for the third time in three weeks. We have an agreement that I get Aiden when I don't have to work. I did call when he had already arrived there, so I asked that he bring him by 7 pm. 7 pm rolls around and he tells me they will be later than 7. 9 pm rolls around and I get pissed. I called him and we started arguing. Among other things I told him that I didn't want my son around that trashy ***** (they got "involved" a few years back and almost put an end to our marriage right then, it has never been the same.) I told him that she was pretty brazen and that she'd better watch herself before she finds herself without a fiance. (She's a serial cheater) She then chimes in and says "My fiance is sitting right here!" Well... that's all it took for me to snap and go off like a crazy person. I called her a trashy *****, asked if her fiance knew she cheats on all of her boyfriends... etc. I was totally not in control. I got off the phone shaking. I know they sat there laughing at me, but I feel like at least I got to say things that I've been thinking for a long time. Who knows, maybe what I said will stick in her fiance's head...

When he came to drop off my son he said "Crystal says 'hi'" ugh.
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Old 06-28-2012, 01:39 AM   #1052
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Rachel I must admit that I got cross at first with what my ex had done.

Then someone told me that poision you hold inside and wish on your ex and the girlfriend never hurts them all it does is upsets you. You have to let it go, your sons dad WON'T do what you want, he can't be changed, honest admit it.

So instead when he comes round look him straight in the eye and imagine the word "Dick H***" printed on his forehead. In big red letters and let the laughed that will be in your heart show in your eyes. Your son doesn't want the agro, honest he gets stuck in the middle and since they expect you to act up you are fueling the passion in their sad little lives. I bet they spend far more time laughing at you or what you might do that you realise and it is a kind of glue to relationship.

Once I stopped being nasty to the ex and his partner, guess what he stopped being so loving and nice to her, it is so funny to hear her complain to friends that the passion in the relationship has gone, becasue so long as you are mad he is still cheating on you and getting the kick of addrenaline out of it.

Since he never comes back on time make sure you stop clock watching too, after all untill he gets a taste of his own medicine how will he know how annoying it is. Do send a text a few mins before you should have arrived saying sorry not finished or stuck in traffic. x xx
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Old 07-03-2012, 06:31 AM   #1053
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Thanks for the advice. I know I was just giving her something to feed off of, I just couldn't get a grip at the time. Hopefully her "fiance" heard what I had to say and maybe a little stuck in his head. Then again, if they split, she'll most assuredly go after my ex. I just need to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter what he does, I don't want to be with him. I think this is all just stemming from residual feelings.

Honestly, when I do act like I have everything together and I'm loving my life, I think that's when he misses me the most. I've resigned myself to pretty much being my son's dad and mom, I can't trust my ex to get things accomplished, or to take him to sports, or school with any sort of regularity. But you know what? I CAN do it all. I can raise my son (in a MUCH healthier way than he can), I can go to school full time, I can work full time, and I can manage to plan extracurricular activities for my child AND get him to them. He can stand by the side lines and watch as his life... and his family passes him by. In a year I'll be an actual bonafide nurse. What will he be doing? Probably living in his dad's house (which I was in yesterday and it seems like he's bringing the house down, it's a huge mess.)

I have been very cold/ matter of fact with him over the phone. He seems to want to have conversations like we are still friends. He asked me why I was talking to him like that... wonder when it will sink in. His car broke down and I had to drive Aiden out to his town. Instead of letting common decency dictate when I bring him, I had dinner with my son and relaxed, and dropped him off at 11 pm. Why not? Can't tell you how many times he's done it to me.

I'm off to work, then picking up Aiden to enjoy the 4th of July festivities. Packing a picnic and heading to the parade, and to the fireworks. Everyone be safe this 4th of July!
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Old 07-03-2012, 09:07 AM   #1054
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I have been very cold/ matter of fact with him over the phone. He seems to want to have conversations like we are still friends. He asked me why I was talking to him like that... wonder when it will sink in. His car broke down and I had to drive Aiden out to his town. Instead of letting common decency dictate when I bring him, I had dinner with my son and relaxed, and dropped him off at 11 pm. Why not? Can't tell you how many times he's done it to me.

I'm off to work, then picking up Aiden to enjoy the 4th of July festivities. Packing a picnic and heading to the parade, and to the fireworks. Everyone be safe this 4th of July!
Well done you, I bet you both enjoyed the meal, and not rushing to keep to his timetable will have left him waiting for once.

Your a good mum or you wouldn't be worrying about it all, in fact all of us worry far too much about the feelings of others, which is why we are all in this situation. My kids see their Dad 4 maybe 5 times a year, and only because I drive the 125 miles and make sure it is becasue I want to do something in the area.

We went to friends for a weekend Beer Festival as we have done it 3 years running. Another time we were coming home from Grans and were 20 miles from his house. Nest time it will be becasue we are camping with friends and can detour a few miles and they can see him.

Children soon see that Daddy is never there to go to sports, or plays or other things and so long as they can trust you to be there, to be honest they arn't that bothered, it also means they don't idiolize the man, I let them ask him themselves and he has to say no, he can't do it, I didn't want to be a go between, as then the Dad could imply it was me not wanting him to attend.

As I said be true to yourself, and let him do his own letting down, kids can take it,honest, he has you as his Mummy.. And your the best...
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Old 07-03-2012, 12:05 PM   #1055
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Well done you, I bet you both enjoyed the meal, and not rushing to keep to his timetable will have left him waiting for once.

Your a good mum or you wouldn't be worrying about it all, in fact all of us worry far too much about the feelings of others, which is why we are all in this situation. My kids see their Dad 4 maybe 5 times a year, and only because I drive the 125 miles and make sure it is becasue I want to do something in the area.

We went to friends for a weekend Beer Festival as we have done it 3 years running. Another time we were coming home from Grans and were 20 miles from his house. Nest time it will be becasue we are camping with friends and can detour a few miles and they can see him.

Children soon see that Daddy is never there to go to sports, or plays or other things and so long as they can trust you to be there, to be honest they arn't that bothered, it also means they don't idiolize the man, I let them ask him themselves and he has to say no, he can't do it, I didn't want to be a go between, as then the Dad could imply it was me not wanting him to attend.

As I said be true to yourself, and let him do his own letting down, kids can take it,honest, he has you as his Mummy.. And your the best...
Another good thing in your favor is you are making an effort for the kids to see dad, whereas he's not coming to see them. Good for you, for the kids sake anyway.
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Old 07-03-2012, 12:10 PM   #1056
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Rachel, congrats on almost being a nurse. I'd like to go back to school, can't do anything yet until the divorce if done. But I did start a part time job last week. It's only 10-15 hrs a week and of course no benefits. It's close to home and very flexible hrs as long as the job gets done. It's payroll which I love to do, so a little bit of numbers and a little bit of people. I'm leaving the kids home alone so they are very accommodating with shorter hours now so they're not alone too long. Once school starts, I start training to be a backup to the book keeper, so it's all good.
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Old 07-12-2012, 02:54 AM   #1057
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Laurie,
Thank you! Just getting into the program has been so much work. It's so competitive! Why can't you go back to school before the divorce is final? Keep up on your fafsa so that when you're ready to go back you'll get any aid that you have coming to you!
Good luck in your new job.
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Old 07-16-2012, 06:49 PM   #1058
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Okay, not to sound dumb but what is fafsa? I'm telling you it's been a lonnnnnggggg time since I've checked on going back to school (at least 15 years). Now I just want to wait until it's final so I don't miss on any grants or anything for single mothers, but whatever this fafsa thing is it may help out.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:40 AM   #1059
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Okay, not to sound dumb but what is fafsa? I'm telling you it's been a lonnnnnggggg time since I've checked on going back to school (at least 15 years). Now I just want to wait until it's final so I don't miss on any grants or anything for single mothers, but whatever this fafsa thing is it may help out.
FASFA is a US government form (you can access online) that will help you get loans or grants for school. Generally we fill it out right after we do our taxes in Feb and submit. Then you find out what assistance you will receive for the following Fall Semester. You have to reveal financial info...it is kind of tricky when you are in the divorce process and don't know what your income will be, if you will get maintenance or not. I had to talk to a financial guy the first year cuz I couldn't figure it out.
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Old 07-18-2012, 08:20 PM   #1060
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Thanks, Karen and Rachel. I kind of heard of that before (didn't really know the exact name/initials for it), but thought of it only for high school kids heading off to college... never occurred to me that I could probably use it too. So adding it to my to-do list.

Would the "financial guy" be someone at a school or someone at the place's office? Guess I'll have it all figured out in time for ds1 to go off to college in four years!
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Old 07-21-2012, 11:23 AM   #1061
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Thanks, Karen and Rachel. I kind of heard of that before (didn't really know the exact name/initials for it), but thought of it only for high school kids heading off to college... never occurred to me that I could probably use it too. So adding it to my to-do list.

Would the "financial guy" be someone at a school or someone at the place's office? Guess I'll have it all figured out in time for ds1 to go off to college in four years!
If you are still working with a lawyer, he/she could help you with the numbers, I would think. Otherwise the schools have counselors. I have someone do my taxes and such because at first it was a literal mess $ wise....I asked him to help me.

Also often there are scholarships and grant available for women returning to school.
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Old 07-21-2012, 11:42 AM   #1062
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Thanks Karen. I've seen stuff but everything seems to be for single moms so didn't want to blow it. Of course I haven't looked deep into it yet. Guess I could go to a college and talk with someone too. I'd want to see what if any of my past credits would transfer...probably not since they are from so long ago, but can't hurt to ask.
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Old 07-21-2012, 11:43 AM   #1063
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On a lighter note, anyone have a good movie to recommend? More often than not what I end up with has to do with someone having an affair.
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Old 07-28-2012, 06:05 AM   #1064
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Laurie,
By the time I eliminate violence, vulgar language, affairs, there are not too many left but children's movies! I have heard that something called Marigold Hotel is good. I stand at the redbox, look thru the listings...and really am perplexed. Nothing looks good and what I choose usually is a flop.

If anyone sees a good one, please post!
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Old 07-28-2012, 08:03 AM   #1065
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Hi everyone. It has been awhile since I have posted, lots of drama going on. On the movie front I can highly recommend "The Help". I really enjoyed it when I saw it in the theater and have bought it on DVD but haven't watched it at home yet. Can't remember if there are any affairs but not the main point of the movie anyway. It does have all the emotions though.

I haven't posted in awhile because I did not want to discourage those of you that have sons. I am trying to cope with it all but it is difficult to even begin to accept that my son is the person he has become. He became a father himself on July 6th, thus supposely making me a grandmother by blood anyway. But I have been completely excluded from the whole thing. I did not receive any kind of notification from him about anything. The only reason that I know what I know is from what my daughter tells me, which isn't alot. They had a c-section so I knew the date ahead of time, which incidentally happened to be my father's birthday also, which is the only blessing in the whole situation. They even got rid of the gifts that I sent to them for my grandson. Needless to say I do not have the normal joy one would have when they became a grandparent, I hear it is a great thing for those that are included in their lives. My relationship with my daughter is strained to say the least. This is all the result from the lies they believe and the influence their dad has had on them. After 20 plus years of divorce you would think we would be passed all this crap. He will never grow up and take responsibility for his choices years ago to go chase some tail and want to be free from responsiblity of being a husband & father I know that. I did write & give him a letter that reminded him that I was their mother & grandmother no matter what & that he wouldn't have the privilege to be a father & grandfather to them without me. It was kind of fun seeing his face when I showed up for a 5k run to support my daughter that she was running in with him. Priceless! By the way, he was there along with his wife, her teen granddaughter and my daughter when the baby was born, just the week before. As my boss told me, boys need their dads and will learn from them good & bad. I realize my son is wanting his dad's approval about him being a man, but what I don't understand is why I have to be excluded from his life completely for that to happen.
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Old 07-28-2012, 06:02 PM   #1066
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Renee, congrats even if it is in blood only. Some day hopefully he will see differently. My boys are only 14 1/2 and 12 right now so we'll see...

Thanks for reminding me about The Help, forgot all about that one. There is a movie called Sweet Land that I'd recommend. Saw it in the theater a few years ago and just got it at the library last week again ~ just a sweet story.
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Old 07-30-2012, 08:21 PM   #1067
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Well, karma has visited stbx...all this doctor/health stuff going on right now, the car broke down a week ago and had to get towed, now his sister informed him she'll not be renewing the apt lease with him which is Oct 1st. So he either signs a new lease (looking at 6 months) and pays the full (increase) rent or needs to find a new place in 8 wks. (This is why he ended up with his sister...last apt she turned in the 60 day notice, THEN looked for a place and potential roomie at the time didn't like what they were finding, so she talked him into moving out of here.) Darn her for not speaking up sooner...she "can't stand our kids" which is really harsh to say when they really aren't bad kids...she just didn't feel at home on the weekends when the kids were there. You know, 27yo can't kick back with friends at her own place...which I understand but can't believe the comment she made. She's a heavy drinker anyway so I didn't like her being around the kids when she was hung over all the time.

So any progress being made by my new job is now out the window...paying for his rent; this infuriates me!!!
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Old 08-13-2012, 06:33 AM   #1068
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Laurie, if you weaken and let him back, I am goign to stomp over there and stamp on your but.

Yes his life has changed and it's up to him to sort it, becuase if not your going to get landed with him.

Renee I really now your feeling sad about this Grandparent thing, but I don't think anything you do is going to change your son's mind, all you can do is sit and wait and see if being a parent will mellow his views, because I know it has lots of people as the realise it's not as easy as they think, and they realise the help freely offered is the best kind.
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Old 08-13-2012, 10:00 PM   #1069
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No worries...that ship has sailed. In fact today is his bday and I was tempted to text/email HB to him, and I stopped myself. Huge moving on point for me! It's hard but I'm getting there, I know it's over and I won't be letting him back. Now I'm trying to get past the humiliation of the whole situation and the disappointment and loss of the life that should have been and my judgement in people. My judgement didn't change, he did, and I'm slowly starting to realize it.

You're certainly welcome to visit, but you won't need to do any stomping...well at least on me.
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Old 08-13-2012, 10:03 PM   #1070
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Hoping that everyone is doing well. Kids start school in three weeks here and I'll have them in all three school this year...2 in elementary, 1 in middle, and 1 in high school. I better start updating my calendar with all the stuff, probably filled up until Thanksgiving already.
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Old 08-19-2012, 06:11 PM   #1071
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Hi ladies! I just wanted to stop by and say that I hope that you are all doing well. I'm starting a new job tomorrow. I moved cross-country for this job and for the next chapter in my life. I still haven't quite finished my Ph.D. The good news is that I believe that I have all of the results I will need and it's just a matter of finishing writing it up and defending it in the next few months.

It's been a bit quieter in here recently, but I hope that's because people are busy in a good way.
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Old 08-25-2012, 12:48 PM   #1072
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Just saw a movie called The Second Chance. It's a good movie if you want to see it.

It talks about remembering to love your enemies...I know it's true but it's an uphill battle!
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Old 08-26-2012, 06:51 AM   #1073
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Hi Ladies, I've been away for a few weeks visiting the grandchildren . Sounds like you are all staying strong and dealing well with the changes in your lives. There are much better times ahead for all of you, please remember that. Hugs to you all !!!
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Old 08-26-2012, 09:23 AM   #1074
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jenguin View Post
And to all of you lurkers, I'm sorry but if he tells you that he's just not in love with you anymore or has changed, there is probably (more often than not) another woman involved. Most men (not all) just don't have the courage to leave on their own. Sad but true.
Mine told me ... he and (insert male drinking pal's name here) talked it over and they decided that it was time for me to leave. Then he ordered me out of the house. After being together 16yrs and married for 9yrs.

Then 6wks, to the day, my mother fell and suffered a severe head injury which resulted in her death 3 wks later.

My world turned upside down TWICE in 9wks.

I am so thankful for my immediate family and my friends they have helped so much emotionally.

But, HE thought I should file for the divorce - told him no... "you want the divorce, you pay for it". I can't afford an attorney, I'm paying for my Mom's funeral because there wasn't enough insurance benefits to cover the costs. There is no way I can afford to even retain an attorney at this point.
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Old 08-26-2012, 10:48 AM   #1075
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I am finishing up a Masters in Counseling. One more paper to go!
good for you. As I am reading this in August 2012, I hope you have completed your degree.
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Old 08-26-2012, 11:20 AM   #1076
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Hello Ladies! Long time no see!

It is so good to catch up. So much hurt, why does life have to be so hard?

Trefoil, good for you on your education and new job! That is wonderful!
Christina too! Congrat's.

Sue I just ache for what you are going through. He and his "buddy" talked it over? What a guy. They just can't accept responsibility...first it is some vague...I'm confused or I'm not in love with you, then you find out there is another woman, then they blame the failure of the marriage on you...
They all read the same book, with a few variations!

You do need a lawyer though...I know it is an expense but given he asked you to leave you especially need to stay firm and get what you deserve. I can't stress this enough because you will feel like just giving up to get it overwith...you lawyer will keep you fighting for your rightful share.
They are also a huge support for you as you figure out your finances, how to proceed...mine get me to go back to school so I could get a better job.

Thank you for movie ideas! I just can't find anything I like when I look!

Hugs to all! Take care! Will check in more often....
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Old 08-26-2012, 03:49 PM   #1077
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Sue, hugs to you! Instead of talking our marriage issues over with me, he talked it over with one of his newly hired employees, which, I found out later, he was sleeping with. She's his new soul mate and he just settled for me. I suggested counseling which he objected to, because no quack was going to tell him how to think. I guess only his employee was qualified to do that. So hold your head up high, he's the one with the problems...mid-life crisis! I too would suggest the attorney. I filed for our divorce after I found out about the affair (otherwise he'd just leave things the way they are forever), and my attorney is making sure that he is billed for it, not me, since it's his idea. Be sure you look into it. Take care!
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Old 08-26-2012, 03:50 PM   #1078
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Sorry, my angry side is showing it's ugly head again. Just when I thought I was past it.
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Old 08-26-2012, 05:20 PM   #1079
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Laurie hunny- you need to vent...we all do! It is absolutely ok.
I thought I was over it at 6 months, a year...now 5 years later I still have anger....We will probably never be able to forgive and live in a ZEN ZONE.

It is too much with all of the energy we put into long marriages with children. Move on the best you can...set backs...well let's chat! You are a wonderful lady...
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Old 08-26-2012, 07:43 PM   #1080
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It started with his bday a few weeks ago, followed by my cousin's wedding last weekend...which I actually did good through the ceremony, no tears was great for me (usually cried even when I was still happy), but then my aunt stuck the video camera in my face for advice for the happy couple. Didn't really need or expect that! Plus everyone kind of avoided me or would make quick small talk then have to run off to talk with someone else. Nothing like feeling lonely...

Anyway, new week, new adventures with school starting. Unfortunately, we have two open houses on the same night. So he'll have to take the girls to meet their teachers and I'll take the oldest to his high school orientation. (Of course he asked if they really have to go, can't they just find it out the first day?) New to high school this year so I want to get all the info. We've been at the elementary a few years now, & hopefully we'll get repeat teachers too so I know what's going on. Hate when I can't be two places at once. Luckily ds2 has his middle school open house on a different night.

As usual, thank you all for being here in good and bad.
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