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Old 11-13-2011, 03:51 PM   #721
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I had a particulary difficult week last week, it was so heartwarming to come here and read the posts. You are just the most supportive, intelligent women!

I am hoping this week goes better....it was just one thing after the other....last week...
Thank goodness last week is over, you have a whole new fresh week to look forward to
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Old 11-15-2011, 05:59 AM   #722
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Does the anger ever go away?! Just when I think it's passed, he says something stupid like "he's doing the best he can", then I think to myself, really, the best you can do is sleep with your employee?! I'd hate to see what's the worst you can do! And then I just get so flustered and can't even finish the conversation for fear of saying something I'd regret. Been there, done that, don't want to repeat it. *sigh*
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Old 11-15-2011, 10:54 AM   #723
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Laurie, in due time the anger leaves. That being said..I think the anger fades to be replaced with disappointment..then numbness and then it just fades....I am sorry for him being such a dunce with the kids...I know that with my kids dad...he totally disappoints me and the kids every time he calls and has decided that he would rather let his wife rule the roost and declare that she will not keep the kids when he is working. I guess the anger gets redirected..I still get angry at him, but for what he does to the kids. I have my oldest who is 17 and planning on being in college this time next year....and all the time the x has wasted on Lord only knows what..certainly not the kids.. I have been divorced for 5.5 years and the angry lessens and has been redirected, but will still raise its ugly head once in a while..I think what has helped me too is the fact I remarried a man that is there for me and the kids..what fools these men are....sorry I guess I was not much help..I just know that the kids suffer and we moms are the ones that are left picking up every piece and crumb that the x does not care about...hang in there keep doing what you can for the kids...try to take care on you so you do not continue to be lost....hugs girl! Taishea
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Old 11-17-2011, 12:50 PM   #724
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Wondering what you've all done with your old wedding rings? I really like mine so will be really sad to see it go. But thinking about maybe taking the diamonds and making some type of a new ring out of it, maybe adding birthstones and making a Mother's Ring.

What have you done, if anything?
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Old 11-17-2011, 02:11 PM   #725
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I sold them a couple of months after the divorce was finalized. lol Sorry, that's not along the lines of what you're thinking of doing. I like the idea of making the diamonds into another piece of jewelry and giving them a new life, but I'm the sort that would have thought about my marriage if I kept them around. I hope they are out there in the world, becoming part of happier story.
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Old 11-17-2011, 02:20 PM   #726
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I sold teh wedding band, saved an anniversary band for DD and traded teh engagement ring in for another wedding band...
you do not have to get rid of the setting...a lot of ppl wear them on the right hand,,,,TAishea
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Old 11-17-2011, 04:33 PM   #727
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Just like my dress, I was telling my mom I should just throw it away (well sell it on craigslist or somewhere), but mom says I should keep it for my girls. Right, I want them to start their lives out with a jinxed wedding gown...I don't think so.
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Old 11-17-2011, 05:20 PM   #728
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My sister has my first wedding gown along witht eh wedding video....I should give the gown away....

The video will be kept and restored...for the kids it has my parents which are both gone and several other dead reletives...a bit of history for the kids...Taishea
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Old 11-17-2011, 08:47 PM   #729
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Ladies, I came upon this thread tonight and it gave me some comfort to know that I am not alone in what I have had to deal with as a result of my divorce 22 years ago. Boy I am amazed at the similarities we have had to deal with, it is like they have read a book on how to be jerks. But it also makes me very sad that I also know that you truly don't get over it, you just have to deal with it the best you can. Divorce is a gift that keeps on giving. Just when you think you got it mastered, something happens that reminds you that you are part of a broken family.

My daughter (32 yo) is getting married next spring and the planning has brought up all the unresolved issues. My daughter tries to run interference and it only makes things more difficult for everyone (she's a people pleaser). I had a friend a long time ago give me great advice to look at my ex just as the kid's dad. It disconnected us as a couple for me and my focus is doing what is right for the kids. All I wanted is to be able to co-parent. Just wish he would do the same but sad to say he still looks at me as his ex wife. Even though he remarried only two months after our divorce was final and should be happy, he got everything he wanted, haha. I think that when he realized he missed the day to day with the kids, instead of taking responsibilty for his choices, he blamed me and has made it his mission to punish me by doing everything he can to take the kids love from me. He was an only child and is very selfish, one of the issues in our marriage, I never felt my opinion was ever considered and he also doesn't consider the kids feelings or put their needs first. It is and has always been about him. He sued for custody of both my kids when they were 17 just to get out of paying child support. He was the Disneyland Dad and I was the parent that was left with the discipline role, trying to raise them to be responsible adults. He has manipulated the kids to the point that my son (36 yo) called me 3 1/2 years ago to tell me he didn't want me in his life anymore with no explanation. And now my daughter and I are on the outs because I wanted to reconcile with my son before her wedding. Divorce does not teach reconciliation in relationships, it teaches when there are problems you run the other way and don't deal with them.

I wish I could tell you that it gets better but in my case I can't say it does. I hate seeing the effects it has had on my kids lives and the choices they make. At this point, all I can say is keep doing the best you can and keep your eyes open. It does help to have low expectations of them so that when they do something right you can be grateful, it's the small things that will get you through.
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Old 11-18-2011, 06:03 PM   #730
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I'm so sorry you are still feeling repercussions these days, Renee. I hope that the additional issues that your daughter's wedding have brought up pale in comparison to the joy of her wedding.

My ex recently contacted my sister through fb. He wanted to tell her that he was applying for a job in the (large) city where she lives. Perhaps he just wanted advice about the area, but from what I understand, he just contacted her to chat about it. Weird. We don't have any children, so there's no real need for us to stay in contact with one another's families. The first thing I thought about when she told me was, "Huh. I wonder if that means he lost *another* job." lol Anyway, I'm glad his problems are no longer my own.
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Old 11-18-2011, 06:21 PM   #731
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From what I read, we should all feel RELIEF!

We should not feel guilty or bad. We should celebrate our ability to start a new chapter.

I love how we share the hurt and the growth....it is indeed heartwarming and so beneficial. We all need to be reminded to care for ourselves, being alone is ok...(chat here!) and honestly...while it is difficult would you really ever want that life back?.I know I would not.
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Old 11-18-2011, 06:42 PM   #732
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Karen, you have such a wonderful way with words

I wouldn't change what I learned from my other 2 marriages, it's made me who I am today. It got me to the place I am today, in a good relationship with a kind and caring man. I have also learned to stand up for myself, and don't feel guilty about it anymore.

At my son's wedding my ex was his usual inappropriate self. I just ignored him as much as possible, and had a good time. We can't control how others behave, but we can control how we behave.
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Old 11-19-2011, 05:52 AM   #733
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Thanks Karen and Mary...I am too relieved not to have that life no longer....I have caught a glimse of how the X will be at important events..he is a super jerk with me and will be that way I am sure....I help my head a little higher and smiled a little bigger for Seth and let the x know that I was there for Seth and not him.....wow he was messed up and just not his most usual idiot self...oh well maybe he might wisen up....when there are weddings and such he will try to make it out he is super dad...but ppl have seen how much he was not there when the kids were growing up..are these men blind..or just plain stupid?
Hopefully everyone is having a good weekend...it is quiet here....Seth went bear hunting and will be back Wednesday before Thanksgiving....Happy Thanksgiving Ladies! Love to all of you! Taishea
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Old 11-20-2011, 09:11 PM   #734
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Anyone ever confront the party that the ex cheated with? by phone or mail or email or text, maybe even in person? Just thinking of what happens on tv and movies and wondering what a real life experience might have been like...
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Old 11-21-2011, 02:18 AM   #735
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HaHa Laurie....yup I did with one of the ones he cheated with...she was my friend too...or so I thought..I was quite proud of myself...I remained calm and collected..Kindly thanked her for showing me what kind of man my hubby was and thanked her for ruining not 1 but 2 families....she looked at me and did not speak to me for many years......go figure....lol.... and the wife he has...she treats me like I was the "other" woman. Have a great day.Taishea
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Old 11-21-2011, 03:46 AM   #736
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I did the first time the kid's Dad cheated, she was kinda ticked off that he was cheating on her with me... LOL The second one he married and she wanted to be my friend. I did confront her in an email in just the past year, but that was in defense of my son. She hasn't responded yet, but I've heard through my daughter (they are still in contact), that she was surprised by the email and wants to respond but isn't sure how too. She is facebook friends with my daughter, and I'm facebook friends with her daughter, so when she makes a comment I ignore it, or leave the conversation. She hasn't remarried since she divorced my ex, she is alone and raising her youngest son's boys. Karma does rear it's ugly head in the end. The best revenge is to live well and prosper.
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Old 11-21-2011, 07:52 PM   #737
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Well, I am moving back to the state where I was with my ex. I am worried about feelings coming up and having a hard time with it all. I guess it will all work out.
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Old 11-21-2011, 08:12 PM   #738
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More schtuff with the stbx today...so wish he'd grow up.
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Old 11-21-2011, 08:13 PM   #739
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Well, I am moving back to the state where I was with my ex. I am worried about feelings coming up and having a hard time with it all. I guess it will all work out.
Hey, Christina. It's in MN, right?
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Old 11-22-2011, 03:27 AM   #740
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Well, I am moving back to the state where I was with my ex. I am worried about feelings coming up and having a hard time with it all. I guess it will all work out.
Christina is that for the divorce? When will you be moving?
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Old 11-22-2011, 03:28 AM   #741
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More schtuff with the stbx today...so wish he'd grow up.
Sorry Laurie. He won't. So all you can do is hold your head up high and move forward.
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Old 11-22-2011, 11:09 PM   #742
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Yet another version of what they may do for this holiday, now he may pick them up tomorrow night instead of Thurs afternoon. I thought we had it settled Monday...

You can bet it won't be this disorganized and last minute when I have them for Christmas!
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Old 11-23-2011, 02:39 AM   #743
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If it helps any Laurie EVERY Holiday is still up in the air...heck every weekend he is to have them is a sit and wait to see which day he gets them if at all...I feel your frustration girl! Taishea
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Old 11-23-2011, 04:05 AM   #744
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Yet another version of what they may do for this holiday, now he may pick them up tomorrow night instead of Thurs afternoon. I thought we had it settled Monday...

You can bet it won't be this disorganized and last minute when I have them for Christmas!
It's all about control, they don't want to be married to us, but they still want to control us. My ex insisted on bringing "that woman" to my house when he was bringing my daughter home. When I told him I didn't want her there, he said his name was still on the mortgage and he could bring anyone he wanted there...so third grade I waited until that day, called him and told him that he would have to meet me at the Meijer store that I wasn't going to be home. They don't care what is the adult thing to do, or the nice thing to do.

Remember, you are not responsible for his relationship with his children. Will he hurt them? probably. You can be there to comfort them. I told my kids that their father loves them the only way he knows how.

Try to have a good Thanksgiving. It will be hard, but you are strong and can make it through this.
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Old 11-24-2011, 06:22 AM   #745
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I wish all of my ladies an enjoyable day. Take a day off from it all if you can! Happy Thanksgiving! With each passing year it does get better!
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Old 11-25-2011, 10:47 AM   #746
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I had a wonderful day! REally did not take a break but enjoyed every moment...paid off because I have the kids for an undetermined amount of time...Anyhoo...hope you all have had a wonderful Holiday! Taishea
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Old 11-25-2011, 01:19 PM   #747
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Anyone ever confront the party that the ex cheated with? by phone or mail or email or text, maybe even in person? Just thinking of what happens on tv and movies and wondering what a real life experience might have been like...
I have to admit I occasionally think how satisfying it would be to stand up in front of all our mutual acquainances, call the person with whom STBX had emotional/possibly physical affair with a skank-face wh*re, and let people know about her behavior.

I would never do it, but on bad days it's comforting to think about the possibility. So much for maturity, huh? ...
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Old 11-25-2011, 01:22 PM   #748
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I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. I had a lovely day with a wonderful friend and her husband--it reminded me how much I have to be thankful for in a happy home, loving cats and dogs, amazing friends and a great Italian restaurant between both our houses--and no dishes to clean!

Thinking of you all and sending warm wishes!
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Old 11-28-2011, 03:54 PM   #749
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Ok, made it through the first holiday AND my birthday, set up and decorated the Christmas tree, and redid the mantle for five stockings instead of six (waiting for the kids to notice this)...lots of tears but better today! Next holiday should be better since the kids will be with me. No birthday wishes from him even after almost 18 years and four kids, but I should have known better, right? I'm still learning...
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Old 11-28-2011, 05:23 PM   #750
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Ok, made it through the first holiday AND my birthday, set up and decorated the Christmas tree, and redid the mantle for five stockings instead of six (waiting for the kids to notice this)...lots of tears but better today! Next holiday should be better since the kids will be with me. No birthday wishes from him even after almost 18 years and four kids, but I should have known better, right? I'm still learning...
I apologize....are you all in one city? No moves?

My place still looks likes Thanksgiving.... you are way ahead of me!!
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Old 11-28-2011, 06:42 PM   #751
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He took the kids for Tgiving, went to his folks which is about 2 1/2 hrs away. He only took them over night there then went back to his apt for two days. My bday was Sunday so I said I wanted the kids back for my bday, but on Sat nite so I wouldn't have to see him on my bday.

I went to my brother's alone for the holiday. I was very sad and almost backed out of it, but took a few big breaths and figured I'd be fine once I got there, which was right.
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Old 12-02-2011, 06:50 PM   #752
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He took the kids for Tgiving, went to his folks which is about 2 1/2 hrs away. He only took them over night there then went back to his apt for two days. My bday was Sunday so I said I wanted the kids back for my bday, but on Sat nite so I wouldn't have to see him on my bday.

I went to my brother's alone for the holiday. I was very sad and almost backed out of it, but took a few big breaths and figured I'd be fine once I got there, which was right.

All Hard... do not diminish your efforts.
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Old 12-05-2011, 08:25 PM   #753
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So much for a good therapy appt today. Darn STBX had to stop over after work and ream me out earlier this evening and poor ds2 had to hear it all. I'm still trying to calm down from it!

I was going to take the 3 kids with to see ds1's basketball game. They don't mind going, sometimes would rather not, but once there, they are fine. So he says to the kids last night (during a nightly video chat, nothing was said to me) that they have a choice and can stay with him at the apt or can go with me to the game. Well of course they're going to want to go there when they talk to him... when they talk to me, going to the game is fine also. I said he can just as easily go to the game also where all the kids will be. So I say he's undermining my authority by giving them a choice and he says I'm just keeping him from seeing his kids. (We don't have a "set" visitation schedule so he's been taking them 1-2 days on the weekend.) He considers it "an offer to help" and I consider it 10 extra minutes of my time each way to stop and drop them off and pick them up, and of course it's last minute again because he talks it over with them, not with me, the adult guardian, first! UGH!!!

ps- I must admit that when I texted that he could meet us at the gym, I also added that I wouldn't want his "carpooler" to be short of hours on our account. Remember, he carpools with his "new best friend"/direct report employee/girlfriend.
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Old 12-06-2011, 01:49 AM   #754
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Laurie, if he is annoying you change the locks on the house, such a pity some nasty person superglued your lock, not sure how I did it from the UK.

It only cost a few dollars to change the barrel.

If he offeres to have the kids tell them fine, when is he collecting them, but to remind him if he is not there by what ever time you need to leave he will have to collect them from the game.

I think a great rule is who ever they will be staying with is the one to collect, that way your not playing the Taxi.

Also smile alot when every your ex is a round, even if you just look at him and thing I don't have to live with you anymore you will have a sparkle in your eye, and it really really annoys them if they think your happy.

Treat time alone as special time, get your hair done, treat yourself to a meal, I never just sit and wait anymore as it annoys me, and I make sure I am not home so I can't have the kids dropped back because the x has had enough.

Mine have spoken to Daddy but not seen him since August, not my problem, he could save and visit. I just won't drive up and pay for a hotel anymore.
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Old 12-09-2011, 09:31 AM   #755
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Now yesterday I rear-ended a truck and my van wrapped right around the tire that was sticking out of it (flat bed with a forklift attached to the back, had a wheel turned side ways instead of flush flat with it). Not hurt at all, air bags didn't even deploy. So looks like I'll be needing a vehicle six months sooner than expected. I hoped to at least have a job before worrying about this. Glad it's the weekend...
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:52 PM   #756
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Laurie, I am sorry this happened to you...thankful you are ok though..hang in there.....


On a side note the kids sp*rm donor called and decided once again he cannot have the kids...HIS kids are sick and he did however offer that these could come IF I want them sick...what a jerk! I asked him about Christmas..he is hopeful but not sure!
I guess it is all good..they rather be here anyway!
Taishea
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Old 12-09-2011, 01:09 PM   #757
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Taishea, sorry for your kids.
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Old 12-10-2011, 02:20 AM   #758
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Thanks Laurie....your situation will work out somehow... Please do not give up...I think about you lots...hugs ! Taishea
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Old 12-10-2011, 03:49 AM   #759
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So glad your safe even if the van is not.

I know how you feel about men messing the kids around. Mine get it from their Dad too, he is willing to talk but not give of himself. All we can do is let the men mes up and be there to pick up the kids afterwards.

I tell them believe it when you can see or feel it until then it is just talk.

Was going to see a friend today, kids scuppered that plan, so with one in bed and the other next door helping to set up a tree, it will be another quiet weekend.
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Old 12-10-2011, 06:21 AM   #760
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Laurie, So sorry about your accident. I am very glad to hear you are ok.
I know it is one more thing you did not need, but so happy it was not worse.

T and all, so sorry about the Dad's. They just seem to be continually disappointing all of our children. I hurt for my girls too, they have no contact with him at all. After a while it becomes the norm and you don't even talk about it. Everybody gets the drill, deadbeat, deadbeat, deadbeat. But in tired/anxious moments I cry for my girls/and all of our children.

How can they do this to them?
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