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Old 09-30-2011, 07:22 AM   #601
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I feel like such a fraud lately!! I got on here with my super strong I'm over him attitude and suddenly realized I wasn't... Oh well, time to start over! I wouldn't say I'm back to step 1 but definitely back to the missing and I can't believe this is my life stages... Ugh!! I figured that I'd have someone new within a year and be happier than ever! Oh well, lol, it is what it is!! How are you ladies doing on this lovely morning?
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Old 09-30-2011, 07:52 AM   #602
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I feel like such a fraud lately!! I got on here with my super strong I'm over him attitude and suddenly realized I wasn't... Oh well, time to start over! I wouldn't say I'm back to step 1 but definitely back to the missing and I can't believe this is my life stages... Ugh!! I figured that I'd have someone new within a year and be happier than ever! Oh well, lol, it is what it is!! How are you ladies doing on this lovely morning?
Well, today is my bday, so I am trying to make the most of it and forget the silly legal stuff. The big 4-4! Time flies!!!
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Old 09-30-2011, 08:09 AM   #603
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Well, today is my bday, so I am trying to make the most of it and forget the silly legal stuff. The big 4-4! Time flies!!!
Well happy birthday!!! Hope it's as awesome as you want it to be!!
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Old 09-30-2011, 08:34 AM   #604
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Happy Birthday !!!
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Old 09-30-2011, 08:58 AM   #605
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Well, today is my bday, so I am trying to make the most of it and forget the silly legal stuff. The big 4-4! Time flies!!!
Happy birthday! Make it the best one yet!
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Old 09-30-2011, 09:30 AM   #606
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I feel like such a fraud lately!! I got on here with my super strong I'm over him attitude and suddenly realized I wasn't... Oh well, time to start over! I wouldn't say I'm back to step 1 but definitely back to the missing and I can't believe this is my life stages... Ugh!! I figured that I'd have someone new within a year and be happier than ever! Oh well, lol, it is what it is!! How are you ladies doing on this lovely morning?
No, you're not a fraud, you're just human. Talking with us probably made you think of things you'd buried.

I'm having a hard week again, as usual. The reality of the whole thing is coming to the surface again... he's been served (and has not spoken to me about it at all as in ignoring me yet again), he signed an apt lease this week so we'll be telling the kids soon before he moves out, and it's our 15th wedding anniversary on Tuesday. I often think about my future...I was 30 before I even met "Mr Right" so how long will it be before I find another, only now I'll be 47 next month and with 4 kids... honestly, who'd really be interested in that?!

*sigh* So this is where my mindset is right now. Maybe it's a full moon soon so that's why we're down.
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Old 09-30-2011, 11:06 AM   #607
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Thanks for all the nice birthday wishes! It's been a nice day so far....

And no... no one here is a fraud, not that I've seen. I mean, it's a roller coaster. My divorce was in June of 2000 and there are still hard days. I am over him, but that doesn't mean that things don't get to me. Like last night. I was watching the X Factor and this really talented 14-year-old kid gets up there and does this hip-hop kind of rap thing, and he was GOOD. They keep showing his dad backstage all proud ... on the verge of tears. All I could think about was how much his dad probably went through for him to get him to that point.... encourage him, expose him to the right music, support him, take him to the auditions, wait in line probably 12 hours if not more... all of it. Then I thought of my ex and was thinking about how he is just putting up a HUGE roadblock to our son's education and it made me cry! You know, like there's a dad on TV doing MORE than the right thing so his kid can achieve his dreams for the simple fact that he BELIEVES in his son .... so here there I was 11 years after the fact and still getting upset about it.

I think it's just good to recognize those emotions and not let them get the best of you but definitely realize it's just part of the process.
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Old 09-30-2011, 03:35 PM   #608
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Well, today is my bday, so I am trying to make the most of it and forget the silly legal stuff. The big 4-4! Time flies!!!
Happy Happy Birthday to you! Forget things as much as you can for the whole weekend. Take a big break!
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Old 09-30-2011, 08:16 PM   #609
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Happy Happy Birthday to you! Forget things as much as you can for the whole weekend. Take a big break!
Right, I will! I mean, we all know it will be there Monday!
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Old 10-01-2011, 05:44 PM   #610
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Happy birthday! I hope you have had the best day ever...

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Old 10-02-2011, 04:31 PM   #611
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How does something once so seemingly beautiful turn out to be so ugly?! He's been just awful lately, not yet even acknowledging/discussing with me that he's been served the divorce papers.

I've been sleeping all day because I don't feel well, and now he has to go "visit" his sister, where he'll be living, to take inventory of what they'll need. She has nothing but her bedroom furniture and a few kitchen things. He conned ds1 to let her use his saucer chair. He was going to bring ds2 along, and then I asked what will you say when he asks who the second empty bedroom is for?! So now I'm a b**** for not letting him bring ds with. I didn't say don't bring him, I said be prepared for the question! (Of course he hasn't told the kids a thing yet and even though he's now paying rent, doesn't know when he'll be moving... no wonder I'm not feeling well these days.)
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Old 10-02-2011, 05:24 PM   #612
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LAurie, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. When the papers came it the mail, the x was there just piddling around acting like NOTHING was coming....then the mailman brought the papers...and they stated that we could no longer live in the same residence and I made him leave...I packed him up and set his junk out on the ground. It was dramatic, but sometimes it will be. I cannot advise you on how to tell the kids in the least hurtful way...because no matter what, it is going to hurt...really try to enforce that is NOTHING that they have done...for some reason the kids take the butt end of that deal on themselves..they do not understand why everything is turned upside down. I will be praying for you to be rid of this pest of a STBX and that the children will not be too devastated...hugs!
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Old 10-02-2011, 06:14 PM   #613
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I know, everyone says, just kick him out... well if was just him, sure, but I really can't upset the kids. Telling the kids is all on him... he's choosing to leave, he's choosing to break up the family. It's the one and only thing he ends up having to do since I filed and his sister found a place to live and the girlfriend keeps him "happy", granted the hardest of all things, but still...

Dd1 is so excited for our anniversary on Tuesday, poor thing, too bad her dad isn't as excited about it. Still trying to decide what I'm going to do that day. Thought about something on FB and then deleting it later, but don't want ds1 to accidentally see it, so it will be a card, but still working out the wording.
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Old 10-03-2011, 01:45 AM   #614
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My heart breaks for you and the dilemma you are in. I just told you what I did, really not telling you what to do. The Waiting is the hardest part, and waiting on him to do what is right is harder yet. Kudos to you though for the kids not even suspecting....My kids knew something was going on due to the intense fighting going on...I feel so badly how it was handled for my kids...Still praying that things go well for when he does tell them...hugs..Taishea
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Old 10-03-2011, 04:41 AM   #615
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No, I didn't take it as telling me what to do. We don't fight in front of the kids but he totally ignores me, especially now that he's been served (still hasn't mentioned a word to me about it). So I'm sure the boys can feel the tension in the air, well the girls too, but the boys probably suspect something is up. Then when I ask him about something, he turns everything around so this whole mess is my fault. Right! This waiting game is really getting to me and I can't wait until he's out, although that's when it will all start for the kids. Just wanna fast forward at least a year, but afraid for what might be in store for then...
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Old 10-03-2011, 09:14 AM   #616
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Laurie - I'm a lurkerand happily married but I just have to ask in regards to telling your children---Why are you giving control of that situation to your STBX? I think you should set a date and stick to it, even if he doesn't. Just my two cents.

By the way, I am amazed by all of you ladies. You all have inner strength beyond imagination.
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Old 10-03-2011, 11:24 AM   #617
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Laurie - I'm a lurkerand happily married but I just have to ask in regards to telling your children---Why are you giving control of that situation to your STBX? I think you should set a date and stick to it, even if he doesn't. Just my two cents.

By the way, I am amazed by all of you ladies. You all have inner strength beyond imagination.
Well mainly because my therapist said it should be all on him... it's his choice to leave and break up the family so it should be him telling the kids. Then once he's out, I'm there to answer their questions and tell them that I'll always be here for them. But I wanted this done months ago, when it was still just us not getting along and him living in the basement, with the possibility of moving out, then they could ask either of us questions (the ages are from 5-13). I didn't want it to be say it and then pack up and leave, but it's getting to the point where this is what it is going to be. I'm seriously to the point where I might just say kids come here, your dad has something to say. This is ridiculous, it's seriously the only thing he has to do because I filed for divorce (and believe me, I wanted that to be him too, so the kids wouldn't think it was my idea) and his sister found him a place to live and the girlfriend does her thing, so really, what's he got left to do?!
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Old 10-03-2011, 12:57 PM   #618
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Well ladies I got my divorce papers and I am officially divorced. It is very weird feeling. Anyways, I am wondering if you can answer a question for me? If I had it requested to have my name changed back to my maiden name in the divorce do I have to pay to change it at the court house?
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Old 10-03-2011, 01:00 PM   #619
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Well ladies I got my divorce papers and I am officially divorced. It is very weird feeling. Anyways, I am wondering if you can answer a question for me? If I had it requested to have my name changed back to my maiden name in the divorce do I have to pay to change it at the court house?
Congratulations!

I got mine in Sept and turns out I've been officially divorced since June!!! Talk about anti-climatic!!

You do not have to pay - you just need to provide your divorce certificate/copy as you go about changing your name.
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Old 10-03-2011, 01:22 PM   #620
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Thanks, I wonder if it is different in different states? I guess to know for sure I just need to bring my divorce paperwork with me and see what they say.
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Old 10-03-2011, 02:53 PM   #621
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I don't think so.

My attorney told me to put the name change in under the decree, even if I was unsure. If I waited it'd cost me $ later.
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Old 10-03-2011, 03:48 PM   #622
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Well ladies I got my divorce papers and I am officially divorced. It is very weird feeling. Anyways, I am wondering if you can answer a question for me? If I had it requested to have my name changed back to my maiden name in the divorce do I have to pay to change it at the court house?
Congratulations! Happy for you it is over!
I added the name change deal also, haven't done it but always can at no charge when and if I want to.
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Old 10-03-2011, 05:18 PM   #623
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Congrats to all ! I paid to have my name changed..a whole $7....I was determined to be me again..have a good evening girlies! love to all of you!
Taishea
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Old 10-03-2011, 05:42 PM   #624
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Hmm. Seems like I won't have to pay or will pay a small amount. I guess I will go to the court house tomorrow and see what I need to do to reclaim myself. I can't wait to be rid of his name.
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Old 10-03-2011, 05:43 PM   #625
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I know the holidays are looming ahead. My experience is that gift exchanges/card exchanges do not work all that well.

My suggestion is that for Thanksgiving and
Christmas...we all just take a moment to chime in ...and reflect...share a thought...and remember our group.

I hope that is ok with you ladies...if anyone wants to suggest a different approach and manage it, that is absolutely ok with me....
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Old 10-03-2011, 05:46 PM   #626
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Hmm. Seems like I won't have to pay or will pay a small amount. I guess I will go to the court house tomorrow and see what I need to do to reclaim myself. I can't wait to be rid of his name.
I think you have to go to the social security office...
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Old 10-03-2011, 07:11 PM   #627
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Great idea, I know December is going to be really hard for me because that is when he left me. I dread the thought of Christmas. I need to remember I am strong and will get through this.
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Old 10-04-2011, 02:01 AM   #628
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I would call the courthouse and see where (what part of the courthouse) you need to go to...and Karen is right, must visit the SS office for your change of name there as well...call first @ both places and make sure you have ALL the required documents.
Karen the holidays idea you have is a good one...Have a good day ladies!
Taishea
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Old 10-04-2011, 02:37 AM   #629
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Well mainly because my therapist said it should be all on him... it's his choice to leave and break up the family so it should be him telling the kids. Then once he's out, I'm there to answer their questions and tell them that I'll always be here for them. But I wanted this done months ago, when it was still just us not getting along and him living in the basement, with the possibility of moving out, then they could ask either of us questions (the ages are from 5-13). I didn't want it to be say it and then pack up and leave, but it's getting to the point where this is what it is going to be. I'm seriously to the point where I might just say kids come here, your dad has something to say. This is ridiculous, it's seriously the only thing he has to do because I filed for divorce (and believe me, I wanted that to be him too, so the kids wouldn't think it was my idea) and his sister found him a place to live and the girlfriend does her thing, so really, what's he got left to do?!
Belive me if he is living in the Basement the kids know.

Seems to me your therapist is not listening to you if your writting like this on here, and being told to wait in real life. Tell the dad to fess up or you will give him till the weekend or then YOU WILL.

Once he is gone you will be able to start again, After all as soon as the kids see he has a girlfriend already, it will become clear as day, after all kids talk to their friends, nothing gets hidden these days.
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Old 10-04-2011, 03:14 AM   #630
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Hi Ladies,
I've been at this for 3 years and finally going to trial in May. Then it will be done, done, done!
I am happy to give specific advice/lessons learned to some of you who are new to this whole thing.

My tips for the week:
1.Get the absolute best attorney you can. Ask everyone for referrals. Put the retainer on a credit card or borrow it from parents. I tend to like larger firms better than a solo operation because of one reason - they don't "need" to drag out your case in order to pay the bills.
2. The quicker you can get it done - the better.
I'm a divorce attorney and have my own practice. I have NEVER, EVER drug out a client's case "to pay the bills." A successful lawyer, whether she is in a large firm or a small one, doesn't need to do so. Lawyers in large firms are generally required to bill around 2000 hours per year. If that's not an incentive to pad a client's bill, I don't know what is. Just sayin'.
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Old 10-05-2011, 03:59 AM   #631
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I'm a divorce attorney and have my own practice. I have NEVER, EVER drug out a client's case "to pay the bills." A successful lawyer, whether she is in a large firm or a small one, doesn't need to do so. Lawyers in large firms are generally required to bill around 2000 hours per year. If that's not an incentive to pad a client's bill, I don't know what is. Just sayin'.
I think like in any profession, there are good and not so good lawyers. You sound like a very good one!

We have had this thread for quite a few years and experiences with lawyers has varied. One lady in particular had a lawyer that really dragged the situation out, for no reason, didn't respond to her inquiries, etc... I had a good legal team.

It can be cost prohibitive and therefore scary, to hire a lawyer. But, the ladies for the most part agree it is best to hire a lawyer. In the end, it pays off.
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Old 10-07-2011, 04:20 PM   #632
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I hope everyone is relaxing tonight and has a lovely autumnal weekend! I am going to be here on and off all weekend...pls post if you can!
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Old 10-08-2011, 06:52 AM   #633
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I have enjoyed the weekend thus far...have a turkey dinner with extended family last evening...It is weird though, I only have the 1 child at home right now...2 oldest boys are plowing in Ohio with the JD garden tractors, DD is at a friends house. So today youngest and I are going to go to nieces game she cheers at. Pretty sad this is her last game and we are just now making time for that. Thankful that the weather is beautiful and it is going to be hot out today 80+ degrees. Thankful Hubby is working still and that the work is available. Getting ready for Christmas time with handmade gifts for most on our Christmas list...I try to make something for at least the kids for Christmas...this year the boys (6) are getting a sock monkey and the girls are getting a doll of some sort.... I went to a yard sale a while back and the lady had all of these kits for dolls and things, so not only are the gifts hand made, but also fairly cheap too....I bought a pillowcase doll kit from Ebay so that I can have the doll pattern...I can find embroidered pillow cases @ the local 2nd hand store that are cheap and in great shape.......gotta go and shower and get ready to take a ton of pictures of the little league football team and the cheerleaders...fun day ahead for Isaac and I! Have a great day everyone...there are a bunch of festivals going on around here too....I love fall for all that stuff too...I think the only thing I could do without (and they are in abundance this year) is the spider population! Taishea
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Old 10-08-2011, 08:02 AM   #634
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Thinking of you all and hoping your having a happy weekend. We have sunshine in Autumn, I love the leaf crunch and think we should all be very snug that we don't have to look after the extra baby this xmas.
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Old 10-08-2011, 08:07 AM   #635
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Thinking of you all and hoping your having a happy weekend. We have sunshine in Autumn, I love the leaf crunch and think we should all be very snug that we don't have to look after the extra baby this xmas.
Wish we had a "like" button I haven't had an extra baby for almost 9 years now... it's so refeshing to be in a relationship with a grown up. Happy Fall Ladies !!!
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Old 10-08-2011, 08:20 AM   #636
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The week started out on a sad note, a dear friend had to bury his 38 year old son. This son was like a nephew to me, it has left a whole in my heart. It's only been 2 1/2 years since his Mother passed away from cancer, and those of us that love this family were still trying to get over that loss.

On a positive note our new bed was delivered this morning. I spent yesterday buying new bedding and washing it. Now I need to find a new bedspread and bed skirt, looked at Bed, Bath and Beyond yesterday and didn't care for what they have. I really don't like shopping by myself very much.

It's going to be a wet weekend here in sunny Florida... lol We need the rain... winter will be starting soon and we need as much moisture as possible to start out the colder months.
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Old 10-08-2011, 09:25 AM   #637
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The week started out on a sad note, a dear friend had to bury his 38 year old son. This son was like a nephew to me, it has left a whole in my heart. It's only been 2 1/2 years since his Mother passed away from cancer, and those of us that love this family were still trying to get over that loss.


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Just to say thinking of you , and that poor man. Friends are hard to find so he will need you all.
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Old 10-09-2011, 08:11 PM   #638
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Mary, sorry for your loss.
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Old 10-09-2011, 08:19 PM   #639
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Well we/he told the kids last night. Ticked me off that he said "we decided to divorce". There was no way I wanted a divorce, I was forced into it by his affair, but that's for another day. The kids all cried, in fact ds1 is taking it a lot harder than I ever expected. Breaks my heart to see him so hurt, he was still awake at 1:30am so we talked some more. He was worried about losing the house, going to court for custody (seems he knows some kids at school with parents having nasty divorces), is dad going to start dating, am I going to, because he really doesn't want that. Too much for a 14yo to be worrying about. I said to look at the bright side, when he moves out, he'll finally get to move to the downstairs bedroom... it brought a smile to his face. At least something else to think about for a while...
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Old 10-10-2011, 12:12 AM   #640
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Well we/he told the kids last night. Ticked me off that he said "we decided to divorce". There was no way I wanted a divorce, I was forced into it by his affair, but that's for another day. The kids all cried, in fact ds1 is taking it a lot harder than I ever expected. Breaks my heart to see him so hurt, he was still awake at 1:30am so we talked some more. He was worried about losing the house, going to court for custody (seems he knows some kids at school with parents having nasty divorces), is dad going to start dating, am I going to, because he really doesn't want that. Too much for a 14yo to be worrying about. I said to look at the bright side, when he moves out, he'll finally get to move to the downstairs bedroom... it brought a smile to his face. At least something else to think about for a while...
Well done you, the Dad now has to face what he has done and not have you to run round after him making sure that he does not come across as a fool.

It really opened my kids eyes once their Dad had to sort it all out himself and make a proper effort to be there and plan the trips and days out.


Mine still refuse to see the new girlfriend and now he can not demand to much as he is broke and needs me to be nice. I drive and he doesn't and the trains would cost him a fortune.
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