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Old 09-16-2011, 06:38 PM   #521
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I'm very angry that they did too, especially for as religious as his mom is, but I can hear her say "whatever makes you happy, I'll support you", just figured it would be more after the divorce, not by participating in the affair, kwim?!
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Old 09-16-2011, 07:47 PM   #522
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I'm very angry that they did too, especially for as religious as his mom is, but I can hear her say "whatever makes you happy, I'll support you", just figured it would be more after the divorce, not by participating in the affair, kwim?!
I know exactly what you mean!! Like I said, I would smack my son stupid!! It's one thing to not be in love anymore, it's another thing to completely disrespect the woman you married and had kids with!! At the very least, a woman should always be able to expect respect from the man she married!! Even if they are not together, he should still respect her! Most men expect respect but have no idea what it actually means to respect someone!
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Old 09-16-2011, 08:03 PM   #523
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I know exactly what you mean!! Like I said, I would smack my son stupid!! It's one thing to not be in love anymore, it's another thing to completely disrespect the woman you married and had kids with!! At the very least, a woman should always be able to expect respect from the man she married!! Even if they are not together, he should still respect her! Most men expect respect but have no idea what it actually means to respect someone!
I couldn't have put it better myself! I think this is why it hurts the most and will be hard to forgive!
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Old 09-16-2011, 08:08 PM   #524
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I couldn't have put it better myself! I think this is why it hurts the most and will be hard to forgive!
Well just like you said earlier, if you can't forgive, at the very least work towards moving on, for yourself!! You deserve better!!
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Old 09-16-2011, 08:22 PM   #525
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Well just like you said earlier, if you can't forgive, at the very least work towards moving on, for yourself!! You deserve better!!
Thank you! I guess we all do and that's what I'm slowly learning...
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Old 09-16-2011, 08:35 PM   #526
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Thank you! I guess we all do and that's what I'm slowly learning...
You'll learn it quick!!
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Old 09-17-2011, 05:37 AM   #527
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Well just like you said earlier, if you can't forgive, at the very least work towards moving on, for yourself!! You deserve better!!
The conversation here has been so interesting. I think I have forgiven, but does this sound odd? I am not sure? I would not tell him I have forgiven him, but in my heart, "for me" I have.

I have struggled with whether I want a relationship or to just have a life on my own. I have decided I do enjoy being on my own, even though sometimes it is lonely. That is part of the choice I am making. After being so controlled and so upset, I love feeling happy and calm very much....and who knows how I will feel as time goes on.....

I hope everyone has a great weekend!
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Old 09-17-2011, 06:21 AM   #528
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The conversation here has been so interesting. I think I have forgiven, but does this sound odd? I am not sure? I would not tell him I have forgiven him, but in my heart, "for me" I have.

I have struggled with whether I want a relationship or to just have a life on my own. I have decided I do enjoy being on my own, even though sometimes it is lonely. That is part of the choice I am making. After being so controlled and so upset, I love feeling happy and calm very much....and who knows how I will feel as time goes on.....

I hope everyone has a great weekend!
No it doesn't sound odd, because I was very sure I had forgiven him until I really sat down and thought about it. However, I do believe I have forgiven him enough that it no longer consumes me in any way!!

As far as relationship or alone, I definitely want a relationship, no doubt about that! However, I did realize after a few mistakes being newly single that I needed to be happy alone before I started trying at a relationship. The relationship may not work and I can't fight for a relationship that's not working just because i'm scared of being alone. I finally got to that point, in then bam, someone just happened to enter my life and now I'm really hopeful and excited for this new relationship. We'll see, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed! But I do agree with you that it is a great feeling being completely ok with being alone. You have to know how to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else.
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Old 09-17-2011, 07:59 AM   #529
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That is so true about being happy with yourself first. I can be alone and not be lonely. I can also be lonely in a crowd.

The thing that works for my marriage now is that my DH likes to be around me. We talk about everything, he is my friend first, and my husband, etc second. We encourage each other to do the things that make us happy, like our hobbies. He like to fly RC planes, I like to make cards, scrapbook, and make other projects. I think we go with that quick flame of attraction instead of the slow burn of friendship/attraction. At least that was my MO for my other marriages.
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Old 09-17-2011, 09:46 AM   #530
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He's going to look at an apt today with his sister. I know he needs to get out but it's still sad, more for what's going to happen to the kids soon.

eta: I've been crying today so before he left he told dd2 to give me a hug from him. whatever...
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Old 09-17-2011, 09:47 AM   #531
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The one snippet of advise I ALWAYS offer....you must know who you are before you can be happy with yourself and a relationship.....I felt like I got lost whilst married to the x...I had 4 children with in 5 years and I just lost who I was. Waiting for the divorce to be finalized, I rediscovered who I was as a person, single Mom and potential future spouse to someone else. I decided I was not going to settle for just anyone...and especially someone that had qualities like the x...it took trial and error to fond that special man, and now I am still who I am and just have been complimented by my DH. We are best friends and lovers and always on the same page with the kids...I love the life I have now and at this point in my life I am so happy for my past so that I can appreciate what a treasure I have in my hubby and in each of my children....Have a great weekend!
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Old 09-17-2011, 10:46 AM   #532
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He's going to look at an apt today with his sister. I know he needs to get out but it's still sad, more for what's going to happen to the kids soon.

eta: I've been crying today so before he left he told dd2 to give me a hug from him. whatever...
Silly man thinks you are crying over him... when you are really crying for the pain your children will feel. Men just don't get that we can feel compassion for others.
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Old 09-17-2011, 11:27 AM   #533
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Silly man thinks you are crying over him... when you are really crying for the pain your children will feel. Men just don't get that we can feel compassion for others.
Funny you should use that word because he told me just this morning that I should show a little compassion for others! Long story short is that his sister gave apt notice to be out by the end of the month, her potential roomie backed out, so now she wants him to live with her. The place she's looking at now is just down the road from where she is currently but she wanted to be closer to downtown where all her friends are. So I commented that she may have well stayed where she is now and that she probably learned her lesson to give notice without having a new place already secured. So he said I should have a little compassion for others because she's under the gun to find a place by the end of the month.

I said sorry to have my disgust for him come across as lack of compassion. I feel bad that she's under such pressure because I'm the only one around here that seems to have any compassion! She's the one forcing him to make a change because he's a coward. He's so afraid to face the kids that he can't even look for a place to live on his own. Oh, he makes me so angry!
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Old 09-17-2011, 11:28 AM   #534
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Taking a breath. He's not going to ruin my night any more, sorry!
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Old 09-17-2011, 11:38 AM   #535
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Taking a breath. He's not going to ruin my night any more, sorry!
Yeah. It's hard to let stuff not bother you ... it's like you know better but it'll just get in your head. My divorce was over 11 years ago in June, and I still find my self almost daily having things just pop up without even trying.

I will say one thing I feel very sure of ... if we didn't have kids, I would not have any problems with him or thoughts about him. I mean, I was truly OVER him long before we were even divorced. But when kids are involved, it changes the game. So many dynamics to keep track of!!!
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Old 09-17-2011, 11:55 AM   #536
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I know exactly what you mean about the kids. I'd be so over him and would have said get out long ago. But even when it's over, it's not because you have the kids to deal with each and every day, each of us with different ideas and plans. I was just reading a book that says children of divorce learn that there are really two right answers to everything, whereas the rest of society sees things as right OR wrong. They have to learn these rules for mom's house but these rules for dad's house. What might be okay at one place may not be okay at the other, and that's alright, that's the way it is.
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Old 09-17-2011, 12:00 PM   #537
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Yeah. It's hard to let stuff not bother you ... it's like you know better but it'll just get in your head. My divorce was over 11 years ago in June, and I still find my self almost daily having things just pop up without even trying.

I will say one thing I feel very sure of ... if we didn't have kids, I would not have any problems with him or thoughts about him. I mean, I was truly OVER him long before we were even divorced. But when kids are involved, it changes the game. So many dynamics to keep track of!!!
It's been 18 years and he is still being a jerk where the kids and now grandkids are concerned. My second ex passed away and we didn't have any children. I know it was cruel of me to think this, but I wished it had been the kids Dad that passed so they would be free of him.

I think that things pop into our heads so we don't make the same mistake again. I had to go back and see where I became a doormat to change it and move on. Sadly I discovered that it was my mother that first treated me like an afterthought that started it all. She allowed my brother to treat me badly also, when I would tell her things he had done, she would say "If I don't see it happen, I can't do anything about it". That taught me that me and my feelings didn't matter, and it snowballed from there. I have finally figured out that people only treat us the way we allow them to. I have learned to stand up for myself, and if someone doesn't like it.... that is their problem.

Stand up for yourselves ladies !!!
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Old 09-17-2011, 03:18 PM   #538
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I don't have any children and I do strongly believe that there is a difference. Those of you with children need to remain in contact because it needs to be done for the kids. You don't get the advantage of not having to deal with your ex at all (well, I consider it an advantage - some people remain friends and I'm glad they found what works for their situations, but I have no interest in being friends with my ex).

I was "over" him before the divorce was finalized, but it took longer than that to get over the divorce. It took about 6.25 months after the divorce was finalized for me to get over the divorce. Six of those months were because he kept stalling on following the court order and so there was this one little loose end that was still dangling, which made me livid. I think that it was related to one of the problems in our marriage (him not following through on what he said he was going to do) and so the fact that I still had to keep reminding him got under my skin. We were divorced; his procrastination wasn't supposed to be my problem. I'm so glad I finally just handed over the issue to my lawyer (which I had told him I would do if he did not do what he was supposed to do within 10 days...maybe he just didn't believe that I would do it. Yeah, well, I'm a nice person, not a doormat, buddy). She wrote him an email detailing what he had been ordered to do by the court, how much past the court-assigned deadline he was, and what the consequences could be if we went back to court over it. He took care of it within 4 hours. When she called me to tell me he had finally done what he had been ordered to do, I was so happy I started crying. For another week, I was still annoyed that I had to legally threaten him to make good on something that he had been ordered to do months ago, and then I was finally able to let it go.

I'm not a forgive and forget person. I'm not going to forget that marriage; I don't want to. I learned a lot from it. On paper, he was the perfect spouse for me. Our politics, religious beliefs, and education levels matched up well. However, he didn't treat me as a partner, he didn't listen to me, he regularly didn't keep his word to me, and he dismissed my needs as irrelevant. He wasn't a monster, but he wasn't a good spouse for me. I remember what I learned and move forward with my life.
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Old 09-17-2011, 03:42 PM   #539
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I know exactly what you mean about the kids. I'd be so over him and would have said get out long ago. But even when it's over, it's not because you have the kids to deal with each and every day, each of us with different ideas and plans. I was just reading a book that says children of divorce learn that there are really two right answers to everything, whereas the rest of society sees things as right OR wrong. They have to learn these rules for mom's house but these rules for dad's house. What might be okay at one place may not be okay at the other, and that's alright, that's the way it is.
Hmmmm. That's an interesting perspective about "two right and wrong answers..." I am not sure if i agree with it, but I am going to think on it. It's definitely worth considering. There are many sets of rules kids of divorce, and the rest of us in general, have to follow. You know, like be quiet at church, but not at the sports bar.... dress up for a wedding, down for a picnic, etc. For that matter, in a traditional type family situation, there are rules at this grandma's house, and different rules at that grandma's house. I think the hard part for kids of divorce, and what I've seen with my own kids, is that when one parent is obviously doing things wrong, or not in a way they are used to, it makes them feel uncomfortable. It's like they LOVE the difficult parent but things that parent does conflict with what they know as right.

The "funny" thing I am seeing is that my efforts to raise my kids right, and teach them respect, is kind of backfiring where their dad is concerned. By that I mean that I have taught my kids to always respect authority and adults, then to go vent about it later when it is appropriate and with people it is appropriate to vent to. You know, kind of "eat it" rather than make yourself look bad. Where it backfires is that they apply that to their dad and sometimes I wish the kids would just tell their dad how they feel and what bothers them instead of not saying it and watching it all repeat over and over again. I really see this with my son and this college stuff.

So I am hoping all these years of being the "better person" pays off somewhere!!
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Old 09-17-2011, 03:49 PM   #540
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It's been 18 years and he is still being a jerk where the kids and now grandkids are concerned. My second ex passed away and we didn't have any children. I know it was cruel of me to think this, but I wished it had been the kids Dad that passed so they would be free of him.

I think that things pop into our heads so we don't make the same mistake again. I had to go back and see where I became a doormat to change it and move on. Sadly I discovered that it was my mother that first treated me like an afterthought that started it all. She allowed my brother to treat me badly also, when I would tell her things he had done, she would say "If I don't see it happen, I can't do anything about it". That taught me that me and my feelings didn't matter, and it snowballed from there. I have finally figured out that people only treat us the way we allow them to. I have learned to stand up for myself, and if someone doesn't like it.... that is their problem.

Stand up for yourselves ladies !!!
Wow, very good of you to really take a look at your past and make a conscious effort to change things for yourself. That is NOT easy!! I wish I could have more luck with that! I have seen a lot of the same "doormat tendencies" in myself and have tried to fix some of them, but boy, has some of it backfired. I have things to work out with my dad/stepmom. I decided to nicely put it all out there since they had said they were wanting to fix things. I took that as a signal that things might go well. I chose my words carefully but brought up a lot of things that bothered me. Instead of owning up and saying they were sorry, they just made more excuses and said let's just forget it and move on. What they meant was let's forget the bad and remember the good..... how does that work?? LOL. Talk about selective memory!!!

And right... if they don't like it, it's their problem. True. Where I have trouble with that in practice is that my kids are innocent victims, and I hate for my dad and stepmom to hold things against them because of something I said. Then again, they are lousy grandparents so likely there is nothing to lose!

I'm a work in progress! LOL
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Old 09-17-2011, 03:53 PM   #541
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I don't have any children and I do strongly believe that there is a difference. Those of you with children need to remain in contact because it needs to be done for the kids. You don't get the advantage of not having to deal with your ex at all (well, I consider it an advantage - some people remain friends and I'm glad they found what works for their situations, but I have no interest in being friends with my ex).

I was "over" him before the divorce was finalized, but it took longer than that to get over the divorce. It took about 6.25 months after the divorce was finalized for me to get over the divorce. Six of those months were because he kept stalling on following the court order and so there was this one little loose end that was still dangling, which made me livid. I think that it was related to one of the problems in our marriage (him not following through on what he said he was going to do) and so the fact that I still had to keep reminding him got under my skin. We were divorced; his procrastination wasn't supposed to be my problem. I'm so glad I finally just handed over the issue to my lawyer (which I had told him I would do if he did not do what he was supposed to do within 10 days...maybe he just didn't believe that I would do it. Yeah, well, I'm a nice person, not a doormat, buddy). She wrote him an email detailing what he had been ordered to do by the court, how much past the court-assigned deadline he was, and what the consequences could be if we went back to court over it. He took care of it within 4 hours. When she called me to tell me he had finally done what he had been ordered to do, I was so happy I started crying. For another week, I was still annoyed that I had to legally threaten him to make good on something that he had been ordered to do months ago, and then I was finally able to let it go.

I'm not a forgive and forget person. I'm not going to forget that marriage; I don't want to. I learned a lot from it. On paper, he was the perfect spouse for me. Our politics, religious beliefs, and education levels matched up well. However, he didn't treat me as a partner, he didn't listen to me, he regularly didn't keep his word to me, and he dismissed my needs as irrelevant. He wasn't a monster, but he wasn't a good spouse for me. I remember what I learned and move forward with my life.
So true! Each divorced couple needs to find what works for them, but to me, personally, just the thought of being friends with my ex makes me SICK. It's not about harboring resentment, but he just isn't the kind of person I would choose to associate with... he's phony, he's a user, he's a compulsive liar and above all he is self-centered. I am the opposite of all those things, so why would I want to hang around with anyone like that? I'd just be miserable! Then toss in all the personal experiences I have had with him? Oh, heck no!!!

I love your phrase, "He wasn't a monster, but he wasn't a good spouse for me." That's a really good way to put it for a lot of people I think. Mine was a mini-monster but not in the Godzilla category!!!
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Old 09-17-2011, 04:36 PM   #542
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So true! Each divorced couple needs to find what works for them, but to me, personally, just the thought of being friends with my ex makes me SICK. It's not about harboring resentment, but he just isn't the kind of person I would choose to associate with... he's phony, he's a user, he's a compulsive liar and above all he is self-centered. I am the opposite of all those things, so why would I want to hang around with anyone like that? I'd just be miserable! Then toss in all the personal experiences I have had with him? Oh, heck no!!!

I love your phrase, "He wasn't a monster, but he wasn't a good spouse for me." That's a really good way to put it for a lot of people I think. Mine was a mini-monster but not in the Godzilla category!!!
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.... if I didn't know better I would think that you were married to my kids Dad...lol You described him exactly !!!
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Old 09-17-2011, 04:42 PM   #543
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Wow, very good of you to really take a look at your past and make a conscious effort to change things for yourself. That is NOT easy!! I wish I could have more luck with that! I have seen a lot of the same "doormat tendencies" in myself and have tried to fix some of them, but boy, has some of it backfired. I have things to work out with my dad/stepmom. I decided to nicely put it all out there since they had said they were wanting to fix things. I took that as a signal that things might go well. I chose my words carefully but brought up a lot of things that bothered me. Instead of owning up and saying they were sorry, they just made more excuses and said let's just forget it and move on. What they meant was let's forget the bad and remember the good..... how does that work?? LOL. Talk about selective memory!!!

And right... if they don't like it, it's their problem. True. Where I have trouble with that in practice is that my kids are innocent victims, and I hate for my dad and stepmom to hold things against them because of something I said. Then again, they are lousy grandparents so likely there is nothing to lose!

I'm a work in progress! LOL
I had to move over a 1000 miles away from my mother to see the truth about her. I also had a conversation with a cousin of mine that is only 6 years younger than my mother, they just about grew up together. I've just about cut off all contact with her. I stopped having anything to do with my brother along time ago. My cousin has been a wonderful support for me.
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Old 09-17-2011, 05:47 PM   #544
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I had to move over a 1000 miles away from my mother to see the truth about her. I also had a conversation with a cousin of mine that is only 6 years younger than my mother, they just about grew up together. I've just about cut off all contact with her. I stopped having anything to do with my brother along time ago. My cousin has been a wonderful support for me.
You make me feel more normal at least. They're trying to make me feel guilty for not just moving on... for being a jerk for wanting to sort things out. I can see where that would be advantageous for them, as they have treated me pretty second rate, but I don't see what the advantage is for me! LOL. My only big mistake was not realize what a doormat I was being a long time ago and standing up for myself then. It's easier to change things after 14 years than after 40-plus.

Funny you said about the moving thing .My dad and stepmom lived 15 min. from me until July 2010 when they moved about 8 hrs away, and NOW they are wanting to fix things (on their terms). I think you might have hit on it.... when they were closer, they couldn't really see everything the way it is, then by moving, they see what they've done... and figured I'd be my usual doormat self and roll over. Guess it's better late than never. I think the tendency for most people is to give family more of a chance than you would a lot of other people in your life. Sort of dumb because it's a two-way street...
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Old 09-17-2011, 05:48 PM   #545
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Hmmmmmmmmmmm.... if I didn't know better I would think that you were married to my kids Dad...lol You described him exactly !!!
No, not the same person.... BUT... there's TWO of them? LOL
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Old 09-17-2011, 06:19 PM   #546
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No, not the same person.... BUT... there's TWO of them? LOL
Sadly, I think there may be WAY more than two of them... lol And they breed.. (giggle)
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Old 09-17-2011, 06:21 PM   #547
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Sadly, I think there may be WAY more than two of them... lol And they breed.. (giggle)
Let's just hope there aren't any videos of THAT on YouTube! LOL
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Old 09-18-2011, 05:02 AM   #548
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Hmmmmmmmmmmm.... if I didn't know better I would think that you were married to my kids Dad...lol You described him exactly !!!
Maybe we were all married to the same man!

I was out of town at a wedding yesterday, looks like I missed an good chat!
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Old 09-18-2011, 05:08 AM   #549
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I don't have any children and I do strongly believe that there is a difference. Those of you with children need to remain in contact because it needs to be done for the kids. You don't get the advantage of not having to deal with your ex at all (well, I consider it an advantage - some people remain friends and I'm glad they found what works for their situations, but I have no interest in being friends with my ex).

I was "over" him before the divorce was finalized, but it took longer than that to get over the divorce. It took about 6.25 months after the divorce was finalized for me to get over the divorce. Six of those months were because he kept stalling on following the court order and so there was this one little loose end that was still dangling, which made me livid. I think that it was related to one of the problems in our marriage (him not following through on what he said he was going to do) and so the fact that I still had to keep reminding him got under my skin. We were divorced; his procrastination wasn't supposed to be my problem. I'm so glad I finally just handed over the issue to my lawyer (which I had told him I would do if he did not do what he was supposed to do within 10 days...maybe he just didn't believe that I would do it. Yeah, well, I'm a nice person, not a doormat, buddy). She wrote him an email detailing what he had been ordered to do by the court, how much past the court-assigned deadline he was, and what the consequences could be if we went back to court over it. He took care of it within 4 hours. When she called me to tell me he had finally done what he had been ordered to do, I was so happy I started crying. For another week, I was still annoyed that I had to legally threaten him to make good on something that he had been ordered to do months ago, and then I was finally able to let it go.

I'm not a forgive and forget person. I'm not going to forget that marriage; I don't want to. I learned a lot from it. On paper, he was the perfect spouse for me. Our politics, religious beliefs, and education levels matched up well. However, he didn't treat me as a partner, he didn't listen to me, he regularly didn't keep his word to me, and he dismissed my needs as irrelevant. He wasn't a monster, but he wasn't a good spouse for me. I remember what I learned and move forward with my life.
Mine did not follow the initial agreement on and off for 2 1/2 years. Finally it reached a point where I had to rehire my lawyer and get that threatening letter out. He STILL balked. We did have to go back to court. He had no representation and was angry. Threw his pen. The ultimate narcissist. Was told he would face jail time, the judge did not mince words. Finally after 3 years I could sleep at night.
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Old 09-18-2011, 05:48 AM   #550
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Mine did not follow the initial agreement on and off for 2 1/2 years. Finally it reached a point where I had to rehire my lawyer and get that threatening letter out. He STILL balked. We did have to go back to court. He had no representation and was angry. Threw his pen. The ultimate narcissist. Was told he would face jail time, the judge did not mince words. Finally after 3 years I could sleep at night.
*hugs* I'm glad it's over. I'm sorry it took so long, though. I remember how upset I'd get with the situation and it lasted 20% of the time your ordeal did. Threw his pen in court? That doesn't sound like a particularly bright idea. lol
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Old 09-18-2011, 06:17 AM   #551
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Funny you should use that word because he told me just this morning that I should show a little compassion for others! Long story short is that his sister gave apt notice to be out by the end of the month, her potential roomie backed out, so now she wants him to live with her. The place she's looking at now is just down the road from where she is currently but she wanted to be closer to downtown where all her friends are. So I commented that she may have well stayed where she is now and that she probably learned her lesson to give notice without having a new place already secured. So he said I should have a little compassion for others because she's under the gun to find a place by the end of the month.

I said sorry to have my disgust for him come across as lack of compassion. I feel bad that she's under such pressure because I'm the only one around here that seems to have any compassion! She's the one forcing him to make a change because he's a coward. He's so afraid to face the kids that he can't even look for a place to live on his own. Oh, he makes me so angry!
He's quite a "do as I say, not as I do" sort, isn't he? Ugh. Sorry you have to deal with him. I know it's rough, but I'm hoping he does move out soon so that your home can be a bit more of a sanctuary for you.
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Old 09-18-2011, 10:22 AM   #552
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He's quite a "do as I say, not as I do" sort, isn't he? Ugh. Sorry you have to deal with him. I know it's rough, but I'm hoping he does move out soon so that your home can be a bit more of a sanctuary for you.
You bet he is. He evens lectures, and I mean lectures, the kids about lying, yet what does he turn around and do to all of us?! Wait, maybe omission of words is not lying... hmm, no wait, that's right, in one of the lectures they were told it is lying. Yep, different rules for him!
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Old 09-18-2011, 10:29 AM   #553
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Hmmmm. That's an interesting perspective about "two right and wrong answers..." I am not sure if i agree with it, but I am going to think on it. It's definitely worth considering. There are many sets of rules kids of divorce, and the rest of us in general, have to follow. You know, like be quiet at church, but not at the sports bar.... dress up for a wedding, down for a picnic, etc. For that matter, in a traditional type family situation, there are rules at this grandma's house, and different rules at that grandma's house. I think the hard part for kids of divorce, and what I've seen with my own kids, is that when one parent is obviously doing things wrong, or not in a way they are used to, it makes them feel uncomfortable. It's like they LOVE the difficult parent but things that parent does conflict with what they know as right.

The "funny" thing I am seeing is that my efforts to raise my kids right, and teach them respect, is kind of backfiring where their dad is concerned. By that I mean that I have taught my kids to always respect authority and adults, then to go vent about it later when it is appropriate and with people it is appropriate to vent to. You know, kind of "eat it" rather than make yourself look bad. Where it backfires is that they apply that to their dad and sometimes I wish the kids would just tell their dad how they feel and what bothers them instead of not saying it and watching it all repeat over and over again. I really see this with my son and this college stuff.

So I am hoping all these years of being the "better person" pays off somewhere!!
I think this is the book I read about the two right answers... I've been reading lots lately and sometimes things blur together. I did find it at our local library. It's more just talking about case studys so it wasn't overly helpful but there were a few thinkable comments in it.

BARNES & NOBLE | Divorce and Children by Maria L. Howell | Hardcover
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Old 09-18-2011, 11:21 AM   #554
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You bet he is. He evens lectures, and I mean lectures, the kids about lying, yet what does he turn around and do to all of us?! Wait, maybe omission of words is not lying... hmm, no wait, that's right, in one of the lectures they were told it is lying. Yep, different rules for him!
Oh my I would be screaming! How do you keep your cool?
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:22 PM   #555
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Oh my I would be screaming! How do you keep your cool?
What a liar, what a fool?
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:31 PM   #556
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I think this is the book I read about the two right answers... I've been reading lots lately and sometimes things blur together. I did find it at our local library. It's more just talking about case studys so it wasn't overly helpful but there were a few thinkable comments in it.

BARNES & NOBLE | Divorce and Children by Maria L. Howell | Hardcover
OK, what have you found out?
Trust....we know the drill. It is not fun. But, it gives you what you need. WE are here for you.
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Old 09-18-2011, 08:08 PM   #557
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OK, what have you found out?
Trust....we know the drill. It is not fun. But, it gives you what you need. WE are here for you.
Believe me, I've learned more practical stuff from here than I did from all the books combined.
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Old 09-21-2011, 08:30 PM   #558
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Next phase starting soon:

*he's signing apt lease on Thursday, 12 month lease, living with his sister (at least it's not w/"her").

*signed my page today, hoping to have him served Friday before the kids and I leave for out of town this weekend with my parents.

Hope this means we'll be talking with the kids soon, but I wouldn't count on that after talking with him the other day. Anyway, things are progressing, guess that's the important part.
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Old 09-22-2011, 01:57 AM   #559
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Great news! I hope things progress smoothly for you! Have a great weekend with your parents!
Laurie, I hope you both are able to talk to the kids and soon...Remember to really stress that it is nothing of their doings...kids think that they are the blame ....I will be praying for you all....
Going today for MRI for my oldest (has the concussion). He so wants to play football next weekend as it is his HS homecoming game....We will see what the dr says after t he MRI today...
Monday my youngest will turn 12! Where did the time go?....

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Old 09-22-2011, 03:39 AM   #560
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I thought rather than lurk I would tell what I did.

18 years ago fell in love nice guy, two kids divorced, the whole sod story about how she cheated on him and would not let him see his kids.

He was a nice guy, made you feel like you were the whole world to him, I have since found out he is always like this for 9 months, then the being in love bit wears off and he moves on. He lasted 3 years with me before he felt TRAPPED, and we were expecting a child which he no longer wanted, as he was seing someone else.

I moved out got a new house and got it all legally sorted, real quick, and his girlfriend ditched him, so back he comes as he has never not had a girlfriend. I won;t move back in so I let him come see out daugter, he is not very good at being Daddy we all make excuses he was Navy front line, so I teach my daugter her daddy loves her but mummy does not way to live with daddy, as he works away.

Another girlfriend who is the love of his life. It finishes after 11 months and he wants me back, you may say I was a fool but I wanted a sibling for my child, he is not my partner just I let him come back and stay over as my child see's her Dad, after I was 6 month's gone and he still won't do stuff with DD1 decide I have had enough and I throw him out one summer night, and did not see him for 6 years, he pays support and I would never stop him seeing or talking to the kids, he always knows where we are.

In 2007 his Dad dies and that Xmas we all do Xmas at his mums, he cries he begs and he seems to love the kids and want to do stuff with them, I tell him he can see them anytime he lives, I still love him just not "In love " with him, and over time years that is we carry on us driving up twice a month 2 spend the weekend, he has Diabities and all the problems that go with it. But he is so boring to be with but the kids love their Daddy weekends and he keeps saying he loves me, I just won't let go of where we live to move to a big town.

This is the funny bit, he is on a very good wages and we were going to move up and live together, but a "Gold digger" starts hunting him, he feels wanted and she is 10 years younger than me, yes I knew her and was shocked with her plan to hook a bloke on a good wage and live the life. I thought he knew this as he was upset she has done this to his friend who had died. But oh no he was hooked by her. I was glad it was over truth to tell. The kids are a bit cut up as his lies have surfaced but they still see him and talk to him even if they won't go to their house.

The revengue.
He gave notice on his flat week before he moves in she loses her job.
She claims to be expecting but loses it. Boys was he mad she was going to have a baby.
He lost his Very Very well paid job 4 month's ago and is now on welfare.
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