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Old 08-08-2011, 05:42 AM   #361
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Thanks Karen...I just realized an answer for my kids...they always ask why I protect them from so much...I usually tell them it is my job..I protect them because I was never protected....it angers me that they do not appreciate what I have gone through (yes they know a little about my childhood) so that they might not have to do the same or worse....I tried to protect them from the harshness of the divorce and the meanness of that ordeal...I feel like a failure so much especially now that they are mostly grown and they act like they cannot stand me and that I am not good enough because I try to protect them....wow! Taishea
Your kids are teenagers.... they will not start showing their apprecation untill late 20's or early 30's, and there still may be times they just don't understand. I still have issues with my son (he will be 36 in Jan), mostly because he has seen me accept being treated badly by my family, his father, etc for most of his life... now that I'm being treated well, he is too far away to see it. It will take time, just don't allow them to treat you badly, call them on it when they treat you badly. Stand up for yourself, you can do it... if they don't like it ... too bad. My daughter used to tell me that she hated me, I would just smile at her and tell her I must be doing my job right, cuz being a parent is not a popularity contest. Boy, did that piss her off... LOL
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Old 08-10-2011, 11:50 AM   #362
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ok, so I have been lurking a bit. and reading a lot.
Divorce is hard and sucks no matter how 'easy' the process it.

My second marriage will be over in about 2.5 months - and it's such a relief. Fortunately he lives in another country, so service by publication is a very viable option for me. Makes me sound like a coward and a beeyotch, but with this route I don't have to tell him (though I probably will, but by snail mail). I want this, have for 2.5 years, he is desperately trying to hang on. I avoid his phone calls, because all he does is cry and BEG for me not to leave. Point is, we've been separated 2.5 yrs of our 4 year marriage. Of the other 1.5, he was overseas for 9. What we have is not a marriage. We have no kids an each have our own separate properties. Neither gives the other any kind of support - so I really don't understand why he is so desperately trying to hang on. I especially don't get it when we barely speak and we live on 2 different CONTINENTS. Weird.

Anyway, though my choice it still has not been easy. I admit, I have lied to him and myself saying I would try to make it work (hard to do 4k miles apart), agreed with him that all we need is love and we can find our way back. but, when i finally look at what I want, it's not this. I think if I said those things/made those commitments to work out it to him and out loud that I myself would believe it. I don't - and it's made it a bit worse. I often felt pressured into saying those things too though - as a former military interrogator I felt that's what he did to me. Interrogated me if he didn't get the answers/solution he wanted.

Anyway...3 things I've been told/learned/am trying to accept
1 - you cannot go around the fire, you must walk through it. and yes, it's going to burn like h*ll
2 - after the fire has died, and the smoke is gone the scars will still be there but will over time become less noticeable and painful
3 - and perhaps the most beautiful thing I've ever heard from my mother - What happens after a fire (thing forest fire here) - there is new growth and renewed life that springs from those charred remains.

I hold on to those words from my mother and try to repeat them to myself everyday.
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Old 08-10-2011, 06:55 PM   #363
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Ugh. I am stressing out bad. I have a court date Friday at 9 a.m. so wish me luck. It's over the college thing. I am trying to get my ex to pay for $3,300 a semester for our son's sophomore college year. I did it all myself... went to the courthouse, got the papers, filled them out and filed them. Got a court date a week later. Now my ex is asking my son to come over tomorrow to talk about it, but NOT in a good way ... to try to get my son to say never mind, etc. I am going to try to have my son NOT go over there... just to deal with it by talking to him on the phone. I had a nice talk with my son (he's a GREAT kid) and said this is all on your dad... if he makes $160K a year and can't afford that, then it's his own reflection he needs to deal with, not BI at me and my son. My mom is going to go with me, thank heavens. I could not do this alone, plus, I really do not trust him at all not to do something violent. I am GLAD it is a courthouse at least. I am pretty smart about watching my back, but I can't help but be nervous. It shouldn't come to this, but I vowed once I had kids, I would fight for what was RIGHT for them on their behalf, so this is what I have to do.

Please send me good vibes for Friday. I'll post here how it went.

Cindy
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Old 08-10-2011, 07:00 PM   #364
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ok, so I have been lurking a bit. and reading a lot.
Divorce is hard and sucks no matter how 'easy' the process it.

My second marriage will be over in about 2.5 months - and it's such a relief. Fortunately he lives in another country, so service by publication is a very viable option for me. Makes me sound like a coward and a beeyotch, but with this route I don't have to tell him (though I probably will, but by snail mail). I want this, have for 2.5 years, he is desperately trying to hang on. I avoid his phone calls, because all he does is cry and BEG for me not to leave. Point is, we've been separated 2.5 yrs of our 4 year marriage. Of the other 1.5, he was overseas for 9. What we have is not a marriage. We have no kids an each have our own separate properties. Neither gives the other any kind of support - so I really don't understand why he is so desperately trying to hang on. I especially don't get it when we barely speak and we live on 2 different CONTINENTS. Weird.

Anyway, though my choice it still has not been easy. I admit, I have lied to him and myself saying I would try to make it work (hard to do 4k miles apart), agreed with him that all we need is love and we can find our way back. but, when i finally look at what I want, it's not this. I think if I said those things/made those commitments to work out it to him and out loud that I myself would believe it. I don't - and it's made it a bit worse. I often felt pressured into saying those things too though - as a former military interrogator I felt that's what he did to me. Interrogated me if he didn't get the answers/solution he wanted.

Anyway...3 things I've been told/learned/am trying to accept
1 - you cannot go around the fire, you must walk through it. and yes, it's going to burn like h*ll
2 - after the fire has died, and the smoke is gone the scars will still be there but will over time become less noticeable and painful
3 - and perhaps the most beautiful thing I've ever heard from my mother - What happens after a fire (thing forest fire here) - there is new growth and renewed life that springs from those charred remains.

I hold on to those words from my mother and try to repeat them to myself everyday.
So many words of wisdom, from you and your mother.
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Old 08-10-2011, 07:02 PM   #365
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Ugh. I am stressing out bad. I have a court date Friday at 9 a.m. so wish me luck. It's over the college thing. I am trying to get my ex to pay for $3,300 a semester for our son's sophomore college year. I did it all myself... went to the courthouse, got the papers, filled them out and filed them. Got a court date a week later. Now my ex is asking my son to come over tomorrow to talk about it, but NOT in a good way ... to try to get my son to say never mind, etc. I am going to try to have my son NOT go over there... just to deal with it by talking to him on the phone. I had a nice talk with my son (he's a GREAT kid) and said this is all on your dad... if he makes $160K a year and can't afford that, then it's his own reflection he needs to deal with, not BI at me and my son. My mom is going to go with me, thank heavens. I could not do this alone, plus, I really do not trust him at all not to do something violent. I am GLAD it is a courthouse at least. I am pretty smart about watching my back, but I can't help but be nervous. It shouldn't come to this, but I vowed once I had kids, I would fight for what was RIGHT for them on their behalf, so this is what I have to do.

Please send me good vibes for Friday. I'll post here how it went.

Cindy
I know how hard it is to not stress out about this court date, but.... you are in the right and your ex is wrong. Trying to manipulate your son is just cruel. Sending up prayers for the judge to have the wisdom to find in you and your son's favor.
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Old 08-10-2011, 07:25 PM   #366
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I know how hard it is to not stress out about this court date, but.... you are in the right and your ex is wrong. Trying to manipulate your son is just cruel. Sending up prayers for the judge to have the wisdom to find in you and your son's favor.

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. I know all of us here who have been through a divorce know how much we love our kids and are willing to fight for them. But you know, even when you are right, and doing the right thing for the right reasons, it's 100 percent stressful. Plus, I don't know about everyone here, I don't like my ex at all and don't even like being in eye sight of him. Now not only do I have to be in eye sight of him, I have to go before a judge. Not the first time, but it NEVER gets easier....
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Old 08-10-2011, 08:25 PM   #367
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Now my ex is asking my son to come over tomorrow to talk about it, but NOT in a good way ... to try to get my son to say never mind, etc. I am going to try to have my son NOT go over there... just to deal with it by talking to him on the phone.
What a terrible thing to manipulate his own son! Frankly, I wouldn't let him go over to his father's house. Explain to your son that this is a matter for the courts and it's best to let a judge handle the situation.

Good luck!

PS --- I've been a lurker in these threads for quite some time now, and everyone's journeys have been truly inspiring. You are all strong and courageous women!
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Old 08-11-2011, 02:10 AM   #368
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Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. I know all of us here who have been through a divorce know how much we love our kids and are willing to fight for them. But you know, even when you are right, and doing the right thing for the right reasons, it's 100 percent stressful. Plus, I don't know about everyone here, I don't like my ex at all and don't even like being in eye sight of him. Now not only do I have to be in eye sight of him, I have to go before a judge. Not the first time, but it NEVER gets easier....
your right it NEVER does get easier...the x's ALWAYS want the upper hand. the x tries and tried to do that with our kids....he almost succeeds, they are a little older now and will try to put him in his place...he gets aggravated and brings them home hours and hours early....I hate being within earshot of the x let alone the same room....this year my oldest in a SR. in H.S. and there are going to be SR. Recognition Nights...guess what? I have to be close by him...only my son between us....Seth want all 4 of us excorting him...he is the mellow child and wants everyone to get along....I will do whatever it takes to make his evening as good as I can...and the collage issue....ha! the x will not pay what the decree states...he pays child support and I am sure he and his new wife are counting the days that they can get that amount back....hang in there...I will be thinking about you and praying for you when I do think about you....what an ordeal...you are brave so much braver than I.......Smile 1.. it does not cause as many wrinkles and 2. it makes people wonder what you are up to!

Taishea
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Old 08-11-2011, 02:12 AM   #369
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Originally Posted by JennJenn79 View Post
ok, so I have been lurking a bit. and reading a lot.
Divorce is hard and sucks no matter how 'easy' the process it.

My second marriage will be over in about 2.5 months - and it's such a relief. Fortunately he lives in another country, so service by publication is a very viable option for me. Makes me sound like a coward and a beeyotch, but with this route I don't have to tell him (though I probably will, but by snail mail). I want this, have for 2.5 years, he is desperately trying to hang on. I avoid his phone calls, because all he does is cry and BEG for me not to leave. Point is, we've been separated 2.5 yrs of our 4 year marriage. Of the other 1.5, he was overseas for 9. What we have is not a marriage. We have no kids an each have our own separate properties. Neither gives the other any kind of support - so I really don't understand why he is so desperately trying to hang on. I especially don't get it when we barely speak and we live on 2 different CONTINENTS. Weird.

Anyway, though my choice it still has not been easy. I admit, I have lied to him and myself saying I would try to make it work (hard to do 4k miles apart), agreed with him that all we need is love and we can find our way back. but, when i finally look at what I want, it's not this. I think if I said those things/made those commitments to work out it to him and out loud that I myself would believe it. I don't - and it's made it a bit worse. I often felt pressured into saying those things too though - as a former military interrogator I felt that's what he did to me. Interrogated me if he didn't get the answers/solution he wanted.

Anyway...3 things I've been told/learned/am trying to accept
1 - you cannot go around the fire, you must walk through it. and yes, it's going to burn like h*ll
2 - after the fire has died, and the smoke is gone the scars will still be there but will over time become less noticeable and painful
3 - and perhaps the most beautiful thing I've ever heard from my mother - What happens after a fire (thing forest fire here) - there is new growth and renewed life that springs from those charred remains.

I hold on to those words from my mother and try to repeat them to myself everyday.
Hi there....like Mary said...so many words of wisdom....it is still heart wrenching to do and to follow through with a divorce...you are strong and will do it....hang in there....Taishea
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Old 08-11-2011, 04:33 AM   #370
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Stay strong ladies!!! These men think they can weasel out of taking care of their obligations is CRAZY ! ! ! Unfortunately, my Ex-husband was a master at manipulation and control that my Daughter felt sorry for him. I even showed her in my Divorce papers that HE was to pay for her college costs. She took on the debt herself.

During our divorce, my son graduated from High School and my daughter got married. I had to play nice to my Ex for the sake of my kids' special days. It was very hard, and I'm SO glad those days are over with. My new Grandbaby is due in 3 weeks, and I am thrilled he will be no where around!!!

Saying prayers and sending positive thoughts your way.
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Old 08-11-2011, 09:18 AM   #371
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Cindy, You are doing the right thing to stand up for your son. Good for you! It isn't fun dealing with it, but your perserverence will pay off. Hold your head high!

Welcome JennJenn! I am so happy you posted! I hear you on the manipulation, big time.

I can not stand to see him, hear his voice or speak of him. It makes me ill still when I think of all the pain he has caused. But, given none of the above occur I now forget about him the rest of the time. I rarely think about our marriage and don't rehash. It has taken me a long time to get where I am, we continued to have multiple court dates over things until just a year ago. I have gone one year without a court date as of this month.

I would become very nervous prior. One time I backed into a parked car the day before. I was afraid really, that I would not see a pedestrian or something I was so overwrought. So please know I can relate to the jitters.
It was really fun though last summer when he got mad and threw his pen during the proceedings. I took great pleasure in that moment!!

Cindy, have your lawyer walk you out of the courtroom first and get out of building quickly with your lawyer.

Sue, thanks for commenting! Very much appreciated!
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Old 08-11-2011, 11:42 AM   #372
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Sue, thanks for commenting! Very much appreciated!
You're welcome. As I stated, I've been lurking in these threads probably since the first one was started so long ago by Siberian Stamper. You have all come a long way in your journeys, and it has been very inspiring. It's nice to know there is life after divorce.

I have been married for almost 24 years, and unhappy for well over half that time. Our 25th anniversary will be in late 2012, and it is a milestone I do not want to reach. It probably doesn't matter, though, as we haven't acknowledged our anniversary to each other in probably 6 years. I stopped wearing my wedding rings 4 years ago, and he stopped wearing his about 2 years ago. We basically live as roommates.

We grew up in very different family environments and have very different expectations of what marriage and family life should be. While I want a life partner, he basically wants an employee. I am a SAHM, and he is self-employed. We have three teenage boys.
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Old 08-11-2011, 03:46 PM   #373
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What a terrible thing to manipulate his own son! Frankly, I wouldn't let him go over to his father's house. Explain to your son that this is a matter for the courts and it's best to let a judge handle the situation.

Good luck!

PS --- I've been a lurker in these threads for quite some time now, and everyone's journeys have been truly inspiring. You are all strong and courageous women!
UGH!!! So my son started a new part-time job at Pizza Hut this week... he can keep it while in college since it's 15 min. away, so that's good. Anyway, I had decided I was going to do whatever it took to keep him from going over to his dad's to discuss this college thing. His dad is a JERK for even suggesting it. Anyway, my son was to work from noon to 3. He didn't come home til closer til 4, but I figured he stayed over some (since he is still training). Well, as it turns out, he went right to his dad's so I had NO chance to stop him. DOUBLE UGH!!! Anyway, he came home really upset, not crying but frustrated.... to make a long story short he said his dad said that he has no money for it, and that he just can't pay. My son told me he (my son) started calling his dad on all of the stuff he buys (trips, cars, motorcycle collection, etc.). You know what my ex's RIDICULOUS... DUMB ... response was ... "I have appearances to keep up." OMG? Are you freakin' serious?????? And he told my son that. My son who is taking out $6,500 in student loans to help out. JERK! I am REALLY mad about it. So then he left there not on good terms... his dad just said, "Well, that's it." So my son walked out and came home. I guess his dad kept calling him on the way home but he did not answer. Then as we were talking, his dad texted and said, "I"m sorry. I will try to find the money somehow." WHAT???? I think he called his parents in the meantime and they offered the money, after all his own parents paid for ALL FOUR YEARS of his college.. and he can't even CONTRIBUTE to his own son's? And my son is a MUCH better student that his dad ever was. And not a behavior nightmare! So that's where it stands... court at 9 a.m. tomorrow to let the judge have the final say. I just hope I can get in and out of there... I hate courthouses.

OH, and if this isn't bad enough? I hear that Drew Peterson (if you have heard of this moron who has been accused of killing two of his wives) is going to be in court tomorrow so now it's going to be a media ZOO. Unreal. We live in the same county.

All right... time to take my daughter and her friend to the town fest.... more later! And thank you all for being such wonderful beacons of support!

Cindy
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Old 08-11-2011, 03:51 PM   #374
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Cindy, You are doing the right thing to stand up for your son. Good for you! It isn't fun dealing with it, but your perserverence will pay off. Hold your head high!

Welcome JennJenn! I am so happy you posted! I hear you on the manipulation, big time.

I can not stand to see him, hear his voice or speak of him. It makes me ill still when I think of all the pain he has caused. But, given none of the above occur I now forget about him the rest of the time. I rarely think about our marriage and don't rehash. It has taken me a long time to get where I am, we continued to have multiple court dates over things until just a year ago. I have gone one year without a court date as of this month.

I would become very nervous prior. One time I backed into a parked car the day before. I was afraid really, that I would not see a pedestrian or something I was so overwrought. So please know I can relate to the jitters.
It was really fun though last summer when he got mad and threw his pen during the proceedings. I took great pleasure in that moment!!

Cindy, have your lawyer walk you out of the courtroom first and get out of building quickly with your lawyer.

Sue, thanks for commenting! Very much appreciated!
Hi,

I am not using a lawyer. I had a USELESS one last time that took me for a $2K retainer and did little work and basically screwed me over. Long story there. I did it all myself!!! We'll see how it goes, but my lawyer was such a waste last time, I couldn't justify it. Once it was over, when I had questions and ongoing issues, she never returned my calls anyway. I had to deal with half of it on my own as it was.

Glad I am not the only one that gets nervous. It's just that whole environment, and the judges I have been before are very cold and almost rude. Where is Judge Judy when you need her! I know she'd LOVE me! I hate sitting out in that hallway waiting and waiting.... plus, I have anxiety and borderline depression issues. I hope I can keep it together. Next year I hope to have the money just to pay for it on my own and not even involve him at all.
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Old 08-11-2011, 03:52 PM   #375
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You're welcome. As I stated, I've been lurking in these threads probably since the first one was started so long ago by Siberian Stamper. You have all come a long way in your journeys, and it has been very inspiring. It's nice to know there is life after divorce.

I have been married for almost 24 years, and unhappy for well over half that time. Our 25th anniversary will be in late 2012, and it is a milestone I do not want to reach. It probably doesn't matter, though, as we haven't acknowledged our anniversary to each other in probably 6 years. I stopped wearing my wedding rings 4 years ago, and he stopped wearing his about 2 years ago. We basically live as roommates.

We grew up in very different family environments and have very different expectations of what marriage and family life should be. While I want a life partner, he basically wants an employee. I am a SAHM, and he is self-employed. We have three teenage boys.
Sue,

I am SORRY you have to go through life like this. I hate that I have coasted through so much of it unhappy. I hope that you find light at the end of the tunnel SOON. And I am glad you are here to share with us. I am new here, but not new to the world of divorce!

Cindy
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Old 08-11-2011, 06:21 PM   #376
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Cindy you will be fine on your own. You will have more control over what happens. I am so sorry about the situation. We had the very same thing happen 3 years ago....this time of year. After telling DD he would pay for her school he bailed on us but, was sending thousands every month to a GF and living high off the hog!
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Old 08-12-2011, 12:56 PM   #377
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I'll write more later once I get rid of this dumb migraine, but court today went AWFUL in every way it possibly could have. I really have to question the legal system at times like this....
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Old 08-12-2011, 02:33 PM   #378
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Hello ladies,
Hope you are all doing okay. My divorce is still moving along very slowly. I am kind of glad of that because he is still paying my car insurance and I haven't found a job yet. Today my personal computer broke down on me! ERR what a week. Hope your weekends go well!! Take care!
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Old 08-12-2011, 07:20 PM   #379
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It's a hard week here, with it being his bday tomorrow and a family reunion for his father's side... a bi-annual reunion that was started at our wedding almost 15 yrs ago. Then spoke to his mom yesterday, first time in six weeks since he told her of his stance. I just needed an address to have the kids send off a bday card. Unfortunately she called him right afterwards and twisted something I said so she thought it sounded like I thought we were getting back together. She's hard of hearing and is quite the gossip so I'm surprised he even believed what she said. The other thing this week is that his youngest sister is moving with a new roommate, so that means he didn't talk her into finding a place with him, which means he has no intentions of moving out anytime soon! (He currently resides in the spare room downstairs.)

So bundle this all up in a nice tidy package and it makes me into quite a mess! Good thing I had a therapy appt today; she helped me realize a few things I "already knew" but now need to accept and move forward, if that makes any sense. It's all for the better right?! Just look ahead to the future!
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Old 08-12-2011, 07:20 PM   #380
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Originally Posted by Cynamom View Post
I'll write more later once I get rid of this dumb migraine, but court today went AWFUL in every way it possibly could have. I really have to question the legal system at times like this....
So sorry it didn't go well. Hope your migraine goes away quickly!
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Old 08-12-2011, 07:21 PM   #381
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Originally Posted by christina.kavitz View Post
Hello ladies,
Hope you are all doing okay. My divorce is still moving along very slowly. I am kind of glad of that because he is still paying my car insurance and I haven't found a job yet. Today my personal computer broke down on me! ERR what a week. Hope your weekends go well!! Take care!
Despite everything, you sure "sound" better than the last time you posted! Hope things are fairly well with you.
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Old 08-14-2011, 07:08 AM   #382
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Laurie, you have your hands full. Between having him downstairs, mother twisting things, etc...Did your couselor help? I sure hope so. You sound good even though you are stressed.

Christina, you too! You sound calm in the midst of it all. I know you also are extremely stressed.

You ladies are both ROCKS! Your strength really comes through as your write.

My mother in law told me how "lonely" he is. Really? He had negative behaviors that I lived with for most of our marriage and he was unfaithful, and HE is lonely? What do I do with that? I am sure he has and still is spinning her all kinds of tales. His take on life is skewed to begin with, he is narcissistic, so not surprising.

I decided: how he feels and what he tells his mother is no longer my concern, period. Her attempt to gain my sympathies for him, was inappropriate but she is older and is being fed his stories.

I just told her that she has been so wonderful about all of this, thankful she still loves me and the girls and how much harder other ppl have it when their families become overly involved. That nipped it in the bud.
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Old 08-14-2011, 07:09 AM   #383
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Cindy, I am so sorry court did not go well. I had problems with getting anywhere with college issues as I have told you. I am guessing you ran into the same thing?

I am glad you did take the issue up. You never know that action may pay off down the road. I really think they need to consider college a part of payments for the children. I couldn't believe after planning on college for all those years, I could not even get half of the tuition from him.

You are brave and I applaud you for doing what you did.
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Old 08-14-2011, 07:49 PM   #384
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Sue,

I am SORRY you have to go through life like this. I hate that I have coasted through so much of it unhappy. I hope that you find light at the end of the tunnel SOON. And I am glad you are here to share with us. I am new here, but not new to the world of divorce!

Cindy
Thanks, Cindy. The past few weeks have been especially difficult. My father passed away last week after a long illness and I have not received the support from my husband that I so badly need. It has been a week since my father passed away, and I still don't think my father-in-law (who only lives 12 miles from us in another town) even knows about his death. Telling him is something I think his son (my husband) should have shared.

This past week has been full of reflection about my father ... not only of my own thoughts and stories shared with my mother, but hearing stories from his friends, neighbors and former co-workers. He was a quiet, gentle man, and very much respected. He put family first and never asked for anything in return. It has made me take a good hard look at my own marriage and I realize just how much I don't want to stay married. My husband is a self-proclaimed loner, very judgemental, incredibly prejudice, and extremely intolerable. He has always said I married the wrong man, and until this past week I didn't realize just how right he is. I should have married someone like my father, and my heart aches for my three children, whom I have always felt missed out on so much.

My husband is very deep in credit card debt, and we have absolutely no savings, no college funds, no retirement, no investments, and a house that is worth less than what we owe on it.

I am seriously considering going back to work full time and paying off my own debt (approx. $10,000) as quickly as I can, then retaining an attorney. Realistically, I know it will probably be 2-3 years before I can do this. It is a daunting situation.

Right now I feel trapped, but also hopeful.
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Old 08-15-2011, 03:50 AM   #385
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Sue,

Please accept my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your father. It's never easy to loose a very much loved and admired parent, that loss is multiplied by the situation you are in right now. Look to close friends and extended family for moral support. Sending you cyber hugs.
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Old 08-15-2011, 04:46 AM   #386
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Sue, first, I am so sorry about the loss of your father. What a difficult thing to go through, what a week you have had. He sounds like a wonderful man who was admired by many! That had to make you feel so good.

Second, I am sorry you have been living in an unhappy situation for so long. I did the same thing-- do not be hard on yourself. We want our families to stay intact and do everything we can to do so.

You deserve a happy, higher quality life. There are pretty good financial ppl at the bank who may be able to help you figure out a plan. Also, you can meet with attorneys free to find out what they recommend, find out what they charge. I would speak to a few ppl to see what is best, with your situation.
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Old 08-15-2011, 06:48 AM   #387
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Sue, So sorry to hear about your Father's death. He sounds like he was an incredible man and father!!! Your marriage sounds a lot like mine was. My Ex was very controlling and manipulative. I got married when I was 18, to get out of a bad home life. My Ex took control of all the finances, and kept it hidden from me for most of the marriage. He was pretty much a loner. Well now, after being divorced from him for 19 years, he is TRULY alone and a hermit!!! He was in town a couple years ago, when his father died. Other than that, he has very little contact from his children or grandchildren. In fact, from what my children tell me, he is an animal hoarder!!! He shares his home with about 20 large dogs. He also has several horses. On his income, I can't see how he can take care of any of them!!! He is one crazy, sick being!!!

I agree with Hedgie! There is life after divorce. It isn't always a party, but if you keep focused on having a better life for yourself and your children, it CAN happen!!! Look for that job, and start putting money where he can't get ahold of it. Take care of YOU ! ! !
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Old 08-17-2011, 12:17 PM   #388
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Sue I am sorry for the loss of your Dad...it is a hard one to deal with...mine is gone too, both Mom and Dad...your in my thoughts and prayers...


Well, My DD decided that she is going to live with her dad....breaks my heart I feel awful...what did I do so wrong that she cannot stay?..well she said the only thing that was keeping her here was the fact of her friends.. Then after I said ok to her...she wanted me to fight to keep her and not allow her to go...What does she want....to be with her dad and be his little girl again....she is gonna be so hurt....oh how I am hurting and the headache is coming....and on top of it my "visitor" was 5 or 6 days late...it finally came, I was so hopeful....I had many classic signs too...so there are 2 pipe dream shattered! let the river flow!
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Old 08-17-2011, 02:37 PM   #389
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Awww Taishea....I'm so sorry.

That is one of my worst fears.
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:08 PM   #390
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Well, My DD decided that she is going to live with her dad....breaks my heart I feel awful...what did I do so wrong that she cannot stay?..well she said the only thing that was keeping her here was the fact of her friends.. Then after I said ok to her...she wanted me to fight to keep her and not allow her to go...What does she want....to be with her dad and be his little girl again....she is gonna be so hurt....oh how I am hurting and the headache is coming....and on top of it my "visitor" was 5 or 6 days late...it finally came, I was so hopeful....I had many classic signs too...so there are 2 pipe dream shattered! let the river flow!
Taishea[/QUOTE]

What she wants is for her Dad to care about her, and her way of trying to make that happen is to live with him. She already knows that you love her, you have proved it everyday of her life. You've told us how he isn't a very involved Dad, and how he doesn't see them on a regular basis. Is he and his wife ok with her coming there to live?

You are in my prayers sweetie, I know first hand how this hurts. Sending you a really big hug.
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Old 08-17-2011, 03:54 PM   #391
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Oh Taishea. I am so sorry! I agree with Mary. She is in search of something she needs from him. I wonder if he will be able to provide that for her?

I am sure that you are just aching. Plus the other disappointment does not help. Rough day all around. Sit tight, hang on.....
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Old 08-18-2011, 02:12 AM   #392
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Thanks so much Jenn, Mary and Karen....

Sit tight and hold on is so right....I got to brainstorming last evening and realized that she truly did NOT want to move in with him and only wanted to spend some time with him....so I talked to hubby and he agreed that we might offer that compromise to her. She was all teary eyed and thankful that we saw this for her...My poor, poor heart broken Morgan called her dad and asked him if she could spend next week with them, he told her only if she was coming to stay with them forever could that work....she was devastated...I went upstairs to see how she was fairing and she was so upset that her teeth were chattering and her whole body was shaking....her dad still places ALL the blame on me for EVERYTHING! and he was more than happy to relay that to her as well...he was not very nice to her and she finally saw him for who he is...not the prince on the white horse she always dreamed (and remembered) him as.. she had a major breakthrough and we were able to talk for a long time. I did not put her dad down and let her talk and ask questions. She talked with hubby too and he sat and held her for a while until she was calm ...She wrote me a note earlier int eh day and told me that she cannot accept my hubby because he is the exact way that she wants her dad.....she saw last night that her dad was not going to be there for her the way she needs him to be...I feel so awful for her right now...I told her I was so proud of her for having the courage to call and talk to him....She is going to come around and it will be good for her. While we were talking, she showed me a notebook that she did a word collage in and she asked if she had to show her dad (it pertained to him) I told her no unless she did it for him to see...she said that she really did not want for him to see it...She knows we love her and is seeing how much her dad has changed....she has crested her mountain and is chugging ahead..one step at a time...She worried that it has taken so long to finally start to deal with the divorce..I told her it is ok and that everyone dealt with thing at their own pace and she is doing well....Thanks again everyone for reading and being there for us!
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Old 08-18-2011, 03:38 AM   #393
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Oh Taishea, what a breakthrough for Morgan. You and your hubby are truly wonderful, excellent parents.

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Old 08-18-2011, 04:28 AM   #394
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So sad that divorce has to be so hard for the kids! Glad she worked it out with you before getting to her dad's and finding it worse than she ever expected... ((hugs)) to you both. Maybe now she can start accepting your new dh, if nothing else as an ally rather than a burden, kwim?!
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Old 08-18-2011, 09:00 AM   #395
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Morgan update....

Thanks Karen and Laurie..

She got up this morning and was in a good mood...usually she is up fighting mad about the color or the sky..she is in the shower willingly (she averages 1/week and is 13...) so that was a good thing...she is open to my helping her with her hair style for upcoming school...I told her what needed done today and she was agreeably to help...She is dreading going to her dads this weekend..I suggested she call him and tell him she is aware the fact that life is NOT as it was when she was little..realizing there have been changes in both situation and all ppls involved...she seemed ok with it..not sure if it is the right thing to do, but might save the kids a weekend lecture.....

Laurie I so know what you mean about new hubby. She does love him and is pretty ready to quit the fighting with her brothers and him...she wants peace in the family and she can help with that... I am thankful that my hubby has never pushed into their lives..he has been there for them and has taken care of them like his own, but has allowed them to set the pace...I am so thankful that now the kids are in at least the same book as far as the divorce is going....and it is ongoing as far as the kids they have needs that need met and they are allowing us to meet them...I am sure that there are going to still be rough days ahead and we will deal with them as the arise!
Taishea
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Old 08-18-2011, 11:20 AM   #396
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Taishea - so happy for Morgan that she's doing well today... it so could have gone the other way. Wow, 13, that's my oldest's age, then 11, 8 and 5.
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Old 08-18-2011, 11:53 AM   #397
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she is my 3rd..I have 3 boys too 17, 15, and 11....
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Old 08-18-2011, 04:56 PM   #398
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My divorce is final. After 3.7 long years. I haven't seen the decree but I lost big time financially - we drew the wild card judge. I should have it in the mail in a day or two. The lawyer said it mailed today -guessing they do that on purpose so that it hits on a Sat when the lawyers/judges are not in.

I'm very emotional about it all. Just a lot going on.

I start work tomorrow - at 50% of what I made in 1993 (with full benefits) and no benefits either. But, in this economy I am grateful that it is something.

Very, very sad.
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Old 08-18-2011, 06:26 PM   #399
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YAY!!! Great news Jen! It is hard to take a loss, however you are also gaining! You are not married to a fool of a dare I say ..man!
Celebrate! Have a great time...financial losses can be reclaimed through hard work which I know you will do! Thankful that you have a job.....great going! Things will look up in the future! Taishea
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Old 08-18-2011, 07:19 PM   #400
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My divorce is final. After 3.7 long years. I haven't seen the decree but I lost big time financially - we drew the wild card judge. I should have it in the mail in a day or two. The lawyer said it mailed today -guessing they do that on purpose so that it hits on a Sat when the lawyers/judges are not in.

I'm very emotional about it all. Just a lot going on.

I start work tomorrow - at 50% of what I made in 1993 (with full benefits) and no benefits either. But, in this economy I am grateful that it is something.

Very, very sad.
Bittersweet, I'm sure! ((hugs)) to you
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