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Old 07-30-2011, 01:44 PM   #321
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Me too. No college ruling allowed. I tried.
It's so sad that their father cares so little about their education. It was hard enough getting child support out of my ex, had to put a lean on his house and wait for him to sell it before I collected any child support. We didn't even discuss college.
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Old 07-30-2011, 02:36 PM   #322
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Ugh and the ex is being a PITA this weekend!!!
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Old 07-30-2011, 04:15 PM   #323
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The thing for me about college is that it is SO important and my son is such a good student. My ex has had a Porsche, multiple trips to Europe, vintage motorcycle collection, and regular $100 meals out for he and his new wife. There income is $160K per year, and they have no other dependents. Then he says he has NO MONEY. Okay, maybe he doesn't have money but blowing it on toys and selfish-pursuits doesn't count as a sad story making you broke. Maybe try some self control, LOL! You know, like how my NEWEST car was ten years old this month, and a good time for my husband and I is going out without the kids and treating ourselves to cheese on our burger!!! If my ex was truly destitute, or fell on hard times somehow, I would get it, but if we can make half of what he makes and still pull an equal part of college, he should be able to, too.

It just stinks how his idea on the importance of college changed after we got divorced. His parents put him through college, too.... they put FIVE kids through college!!

Not sure why I even try to understand!

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Old 07-30-2011, 04:24 PM   #324
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Not sure why I even try to understand!

Cindy, I tried to understand the very same thing. He was spending like there was no tomorrow. Yet, could not make his payments. Had no money....

I just can't think about it. It makes me angry, sad and I can not help that he has changed so much. It is/was not my fault, that is for sure. He is unable to reason, has no common sense anymore. I had to pack it all up in a box and put it away.

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Old 07-30-2011, 04:31 PM   #325
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We took the kids to Valley Fair today (a large local amusement park)... got discount tix from the other half'sand humid today, so needless to say, I only lasted two hours and then the headache and the overheating became too much. So then he decided we should go home, therefore allowing him time to still get to the racetrack tonight. Afterall, none of us wanted to go on the rides he wanted to (the kids are 13, 11, 8, 5). Of course I was passed out on the bed trying to sleep off the headache when he left, so now guess who gets to get supper for the kids.

Worst of all, when we were walking to the car, he's telling the kids of a local NFL player that died of heat exhaustion years back so this is why it's important to keep hydrated and stay cool. Really, did the kids need to hear about a death?! I already felt like crap for ruining the family day, didn't need to let them worry extra about me possibly dying.
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Old 07-30-2011, 04:35 PM   #326
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Not sure why I even try to understand!

Cindy, I tried to understand the very same thing. He was spending like there was no tomorrow. Yet, could not make his payments. Had no money....

I just can't think about it. It makes me angry, sad and I can not help that he has changed so much. It is/was not my fault, that is for sure. He is unable to reason, has no common sense anymore. I had to pack it all up in a box and put it away.

This is something I'm slowly understanding at this end. My therapist was proud of me yesterday, at how strong I'm being through this. I said right, but it's been two weeks since my last 'standing up to him' and nothing's changed?! She said, maybe not, but the fact that I stood up to him is huge... wouldn't have happened 4-6 wks ago, so I'm getting there. First appt that I actually didn't cry the entire time, so I know it's true, even though it may not feel like it!
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Old 07-30-2011, 04:48 PM   #327
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Oh Laurie, good for you!!! Baby steps...lead to accomplishments we never thought we could achieve!!
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Old 07-30-2011, 05:26 PM   #328
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Hedgie and Jen,
I stumbled on to you two on here earlier today. Divorce has been the beginning and end to the biggest HELL I thought I would ever go through!!! Let me start out by saying that I graduated from High School in June, and got married in July. Basically, I married the first man that I thought could give me security, after living with alcoholic parents and a hell of a childhood. I was married to Don for 21 years, and have two grown children. I have been divorced for almost 20 years now, and remarried for almost 17 years. My marriage now is NOT ideal. I love Bob, but I have never been "In love with" him. He is my friend, and that is all. I just started seeing a counselor last week, and have been very depressed with issues from my past, as well as trying to be satisfied with my present.

I'm not sure if this is the place to discuss the Hell that I've been through on this forum or not???
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Old 07-30-2011, 05:38 PM   #329
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I'm not sure if this is the place to discuss the Hell that I've been through on this forum or not???

Linda of course your are very welcome! You have been through divorce and now, with remarriage are not completely happy. Perhaps you are thinking of moving on or trying to improve things?

We would appreciate your life experience! Welcome!
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Old 07-30-2011, 05:50 PM   #330
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Ugh and the ex is being a PITA this weekend!!!
guess that means he's being normal? lol
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Old 07-30-2011, 05:51 PM   #331
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Linda, you've found the place to vent and tell your story. We are all here for you.
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:04 PM   #332
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I've learned that we marry at our level of self esteem..... mine was really low when I married at barely 20.... divorced 18 years later.... married again at just befor 40... divorced 8 years later. I finally got away from my family (Mom, etc) and am married for 4 years to a wonderful, kind, supportive man.
This past April, I finally told my Mother how I've felt my entire life.... (it was the first time she has not become defensive, arguementative, or made lame excuses). I was born 15 months after her son (I don't claim him as a brother, because he is a horrible person, woman beater, and all around *****hole, and those are his good points), I always felt that my being born interferred with her time with him. She is a lazy, selfish, sorry excuse for a Mother. I told her that I forgive her, but that the forgiveness isn't about her, it's about me.... it was time for me to wash it from my soul. I have felt so free and light since then. I wasn't hateful, didn't raise my voice, I just told her everything I had been feeling. I have a cousin that is 6 years younger then my Mom, the were raised almost like sisters. I asked my cousin if I was crazy? Was it my imagination or was I treated differently then my brother? Guess what... she told me I'm not crazy, and the family all saw it, and if she had known how much I was hurt by it, she would have done something about it.

Goodness, this is becoming a novel.

Ladies, just remember, you don't have to settle, you can wait for the right person to come along...... or you can be perfectly happy on your own.
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:09 PM   #333
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I've learned that we marry at our level of self esteem.

Oh boy, I now see where it all went wrong!
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:19 PM   #334
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Of all the surprises I went through in my divorce, I think the judge I had to go before a year after our divorce was final shocked me the most. My ex decided, the last month of my daughter's pre-kindergarten, to quit paying. He also decided to quit paying his share of day care. Just like that. Done. Of course I picked it up, but it was SO HARD. What was I going to do, not let her finish her last month? Anyway, he wouldn't pay, so we went back to court. He got up on the stand and told all these lies, I mean, factual stuff that was plain wrong, no opinion involved. After we both had our say, when the judge was ruling, he said, "You two need to figure out how to get along." I was SO MAD ... I was about to scream right there in the courtroom! WE have to learn how to get along.... when he quit meeting his court-ordered obligations? From what I have seen, the legal system is pretty broken when it comes to so many family issues.
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:28 PM   #335
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I hope no one has ever gone through the Hell that I did, before, during or after my divorce,....but here goes!!! My Ex, Don was 7 years older than me, and I married him after only dating him 5 months. I had my daughter 7 months later. I stopped working when I was pregnant, and he worked 2nd shift. I learned that Don was pretty much a "loner", but I had such a dysfunctional childhood, that I didn't know better. We moved into a nice home, and two years later, I had my son. My children took up my time, and I loved being a Mom!!! My husband worked different shifts through the years, and was a "night owl". He rarely came to bed at the same time as I did. I got up early with the kids, and he would get up whenever. I stayed very involved with my kids through school, sports, their friends, etc. We lived in the country and when my kids got a little older, we decided to put an addition on the house and remodel it. We had a dog, two cats, and two horses. My Daughter and husband shared a bond, the love of horses. When my kids were 7 and 9 years old, I went to work part time. I did what I thought was best, and worked opposite shifts of Don. This way, babysitters wouldn't be raising our children.

During the remodel, Don became withdrawn, which wasn't unlike him. When my kids were 14 and 16 yrs. old, there was a 14 year old girl that boarded her horse two houses down from us. At this time, Don got home a couple hours before me. Julie started hanging out with my husband, riding horses together. I started getting home, they would be in our family room, rolling around on the floor, tickling each other. Every time we went anywhere, he drove out of his way to drive by Julie's house. He was completely detached from his two children!!! I complained about what I felt inappropriate behavior, and he always said I was unreasonable. One day, my 16 year old daughter confronted him, saying that I was right, and that he was obsessed with this 14 year old girl, and completely ignored his own family. He COMPLETELY fell apart!!! He was hysterically crying, and threatening suicide. He finally calmed down. That was the end of Julie being at our house, although, he still drove by her house constantly. I guess this was the first BIG sign that there was something very wrong with Don. I wish I had more security with myself, but I guess I was too busy working and caring for my family. Coming from a dysfunctional family, made me want my family to
WORK,........

I have to stop here. I can only do this a little at a time!!!
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:35 PM   #336
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Take as long as you need to Linda, we are here.
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:36 PM   #337
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Cindy, at the time of divorce you do not have to try to get along....

The court should order how things are to proceed for him and for you.

It is inappropriate for anyone to tell you to "try to get along". IN my hearing I was ushered out ASAP as he was HOT and throwing things.
There was no getting along.
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Old 07-30-2011, 06:36 PM   #338
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I've learned that we marry at our level of self esteem.

Oh boy, I now see where it all went wrong!
Karen, I LOVE your sense of humor.
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:49 AM   #339
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Take as long as you need to Linda, we are here.
Linda-
You sure have been through....h-ll. I am so sorry for what you have dealt with. We are here.

Mary-
I am so glad you told your Mother how you feel. Happy you feel light and free from it! Good for you. Your brother sounds like a real winner.
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:51 AM   #340
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Linda-
You sure have been through....h-ll. I am so sorry for what you have dealt with. We are here.
Ditto So sorry for what anyone has to go through at any time... it's just not right!!
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Old 07-31-2011, 07:04 AM   #341
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It really is sad that some people have to treat others badly. Every family has some kind of disfuction, it's just different degrees of disfuction. We can not give anyone everything they need, it's just not possible. We can only do the best we can, and hope that it's enough.
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:10 AM   #342
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I just got done writing more, spilling my guts,...and I got ready to send it, and it dissapeared!!! I can't go through it again right now, so will try a little later!!!

I had to reboot my computer,.....grrrr!!!
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:17 AM   #343
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I just got done writing more, spilling my guts,...and I got ready to send it, and it dissapeared!!! I can't go through it again right now, so will try a little later!!!

I had to reboot my computer,.....grrrr!!!
How frustrating! Ah! Take your time!
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Old 07-31-2011, 09:12 AM   #344
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I just got done writing more, spilling my guts,...and I got ready to send it, and it dissapeared!!! I can't go through it again right now, so will try a little later!!!

I had to reboot my computer,.....grrrr!!!
Oh my... that is not good.

Do you have MS Word on your computer? Do your writing there, then you can copy and paste it in here.
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Old 07-31-2011, 09:21 AM   #345
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Oh my... that is not good.

Do you have MS Word on your computer? Do your writing there, then you can copy and paste it in here.
Right! My laptop does that a lot, something with the "mousepad" on the keyboard... very frustrating.

Sorry you have to keep reliving it.
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Old 07-31-2011, 10:40 AM   #346
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Try this again:
I am going to just touch on a few things. My parents were alcoholics. My father was an SOB, to put it lightly. He had a terrible temper, and took it out mostly on my mother and I. My sister and I had bunk-beds. Since I was 7 years older than her, I slept in the top bed. When I was 11, my father started coming into my room at night and fondled me. I was afraid to open my eyes, so always pretended I was asleep. I wondered if all fathers did this to their daughters? I started sleeping on my stomach, against the wall, but I would roll over during the night. Later, I found three safety-pins. I started pinning my pajama top to my pants. The abuse stopped.

I always protected my children from my father. I refused to have my children treated like I was growing up.

My daughter was home from college her spring break, freshman year. It was just her and I at home. I had an appointment with my counselor in about an hour. I told Shanna about me going to counseling, and told her about my father abusing me. I asked her if her Grandpa ever touched her. She said "No, but someone else had". She refused to tell me who it was, only saying it was a relative, and it happened a lot. I was sick!!! I am sick right now, thinking of that terrible day. The worse day of my life!!! I had to leave for my appointment. On the way there, I had a million things going through my mind. There was no one that could have molested my daughter often, except her father. I was at Kathy's office over two hours that day. It was awful.
When I got home, Shanna was still the only one at home. I walked up to her, and said "It was your dad"? She nodded. She told me that it started as far back as she could remember until she was about 10 years old, and included everything except intercourse.
Oh my God,...how could I have not seen the signs??? How could I have let my child down??? I didn't protect the person I loved more than my own life??? I wanted to die!!!

I have to stop. I am feeling nauseous just writing this. Will write more later!
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Old 07-31-2011, 11:14 AM   #347
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Oh Linda, I have tears running down my face. I wish I was there so I could hug you. (((HUGS))) How awful. You did everything you could. How could you know? I never asked my girls that question. Never even thought to. So the men closest to you have basically been monsters.

You trust, you care, you want to believe you can have faith in those you love. Yet, crap happens. Ahhh......
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Old 07-31-2011, 01:30 PM   #348
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I tried to take a nap, and couldn't get all this CRAP out of my mind!!! I am not sure what made me start telling my story. I pray no one else has to go through what I did!!!

The only positive thing that happened next is that when Don got home that day, I confronted him, and he admitted to it all. It was a terrible day, night, week, month, and years since then. I ended up in the hospital for two months. My daughter moved in with her boyfriend's family, my son moved in with his cousin. I stayed in the house as long as I could. Eventually, I had to leave. I couldn't stand the thought of what had happened in that house. We lived there for 20+years. It was the only home my kids knew!!! It was very hard. My daughter was 19 yrs. old when I found out, so I couldn't have him arrested, and Shanna didn't want to. Luckily, neither of our children had to be present at our divorce trial. My Ex found out two days before trial, that he had to plead the fifth, or would be prosecuted by the state. So, I had a judge that started the trial by saying that my Ex had the right to plead the fifth amendment, but he was taking that as a sign of guilt. My counselor testified for me, and it was a long two day trial. I never imagined that he would not pay a house payment for almost five months, which went against my credit, too. I got maintenance for three years, until I got remarried.

Abuse changes who you are,...it holds you back from being as great as you can be. It can destroy lives, if you let it!!! My Daughter still has flashbacks a lot. We now know that her abuse lasted until she was 14 years old. She is a very strong woman!!! She stays busy, and hasn't gotten much therapy. She home-schools all her children, and I am the only one that has ever babysat them. She rarely ever leaves them. She has very little contact with her father. My son has had a very hard time with what his father did. I think it is hard on him because that was his role model,....and now what??? He has NO relationship with his father. I am lucky that I haven't had contact with him in about ten years. He took an early retirement at age 51, and moved to central Florida. My Grandchildren still don't know about what he did. I am sure he is at the very least using the internet to look at pornography, and talking to young girls, doing who knows. He looks like a normal man, not the monster that he is!!! He has horses and breeds and sells chocolate Labs. Now, what more do you need to tempt a little girl to visit your house???
I don't think you can "cure" a pedophile. He hasn't even accepted therapy. There are a lot of these men out there that have never been arrested, or prosecuted. They can live next door to grade schools and maybe your children!!!
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Old 07-31-2011, 04:40 PM   #349
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Linda it was so very brave of you to share your experiences. I feel so bad for what you and your daughter and son, have gone through. "He" doesn't deserve a relationship with any of you. I ache for the lifelong issues you all are dealing with.

It sounds like your DD is an amazing, very strong young woman. She has moved forward and is raising a wonderful family. I am sure she will be more protective of her children, but that is ok.

Here you were raising your family, doing all the right things. And, then get this kick in the gut. Not your fault. Not at all. He is to blame 100%. I am surprised he could not be convicted, even though your DD was older at the time of the trial. But, nothing surprises me any more about our legal system.

Thank you Linda. I am sure your story will help others. Many who are hurting or wounded, will no longer feel so alone.
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Old 07-31-2011, 05:06 PM   #350
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Oh my goodness. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. You don't deserve any of this. I have you in my thoughts. Please dont blame yourself for what happened to your daughter. You couldn't have seen this coming. Just know that you are there for her now and love her with all your heart.


Quote:
Originally Posted by lindalaskowski View Post
Try this again:
I am going to just touch on a few things. My parents were alcoholics. My father was an SOB, to put it lightly. He had a terrible temper, and took it out mostly on my mother and I. My sister and I had bunk-beds. Since I was 7 years older than her, I slept in the top bed. When I was 11, my father started coming into my room at night and fondled me. I was afraid to open my eyes, so always pretended I was asleep. I wondered if all fathers did this to their daughters? I started sleeping on my stomach, against the wall, but I would roll over during the night. Later, I found three safety-pins. I started pinning my pajama top to my pants. The abuse stopped.

I always protected my children from my father. I refused to have my children treated like I was growing up.

My daughter was home from college her spring break, freshman year. It was just her and I at home. I had an appointment with my counselor in about an hour. I told Shanna about me going to counseling, and told her about my father abusing me. I asked her if her Grandpa ever touched her. She said "No, but someone else had". She refused to tell me who it was, only saying it was a relative, and it happened a lot. I was sick!!! I am sick right now, thinking of that terrible day. The worse day of my life!!! I had to leave for my appointment. On the way there, I had a million things going through my mind. There was no one that could have molested my daughter often, except her father. I was at Kathy's office over two hours that day. It was awful.
When I got home, Shanna was still the only one at home. I walked up to her, and said "It was your dad"? She nodded. She told me that it started as far back as she could remember until she was about 10 years old, and included everything except intercourse.
Oh my God,...how could I have not seen the signs??? How could I have let my child down??? I didn't protect the person I loved more than my own life??? I wanted to die!!!

I have to stop. I am feeling nauseous just writing this. Will write more later!
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:16 PM   #351
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Ladies not to change the subject but I started a fun Fall Swap if you want to check it out!
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Old 08-01-2011, 04:22 AM   #352
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Linda, bless you for sharing your past with us. Sending you ((((HUGS)))), and good thoughts.
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Old 08-01-2011, 04:46 AM   #353
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Thanks to all of your support!!! It was a tough time, I would never wish on anyone.

The year following my divorce, I moved twice, fell and tore my achilles tendon, resulting in being out of work for 7 months, my mother died from emphysema, daughter got married, and had gall bladder surgery. Sure felt like God was putting me through a huge test!!!

My daughter and I have both taken an 8 week training course at our local sexual abuse clinic. Somehow, I felt I had to turn our terrible experience into something good. Helping other women that have lived through sexual abuse has been very rewarding.
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Old 08-02-2011, 08:26 AM   #354
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Anyone watch Bold and the Beautiful? Yesterday's argument between Katie and Spencer reminded me of a recent argument in my home.
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Old 08-02-2011, 08:27 AM   #355
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lindalaskowski View Post
Thanks to all of your support!!! It was a tough time, I would never wish on anyone.

The year following my divorce, I moved twice, fell and tore my achilles tendon, resulting in being out of work for 7 months, my mother died from emphysema, daughter got married, and had gall bladder surgery. Sure felt like God was putting me through a huge test!!!

My daughter and I have both taken an 8 week training course at our local sexual abuse clinic. Somehow, I felt I had to turn our terrible experience into something good. Helping other women that have lived through sexual abuse has been very rewarding.
Sorry for both of your circumstances for taking the course, but glad you are able to turn it into something good.
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Old 08-02-2011, 06:20 PM   #356
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lindalaskowski View Post
Thanks to all of your support!!! It was a tough time, I would never wish on anyone.

The year following my divorce, I moved twice, fell and tore my achilles tendon, resulting in being out of work for 7 months, my mother died from emphysema, daughter got married, and had gall bladder surgery. Sure felt like God was putting me through a huge test!!!

My daughter and I have both taken an 8 week training course at our local sexual abuse clinic. Somehow, I felt I had to turn our terrible experience into something good. Helping other women that have lived through sexual abuse has been very rewarding.
...you have been through so much....too many things to deal with, they are all intertwined.
... you have much to offer. Please do not hesitate to share your experiences....
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Old 08-05-2011, 07:36 AM   #357
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Linda...I am so sorry about all that has happened to you...I have not been on the site for a few days or so...goofy computer would not load it...I know only too well how you are feeling..I too was molested by my dad and uncle...only difference with me, I told my Mom an she did NOTHING about it...only turned the other cheek and went on in her own happy world...I am thankful that you and your DD were able to get counseling, even briefly..I tried to go with a support group and they told me that since he did not have intercourse with me, then I really was not molested! Thank you for helping others by your story and your experiences...you are truly a wonderful good-hearted person...My parents are both dead, so I need not worry about my DD being hurt by my dad....sorry I did not mean to steal the thread with what I went through, it struck a nerve of anger and pain, I had to tell too...thanks ladies for reading...Linda, you are amazing in my book!
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Old 08-05-2011, 09:01 AM   #358
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cletracloversgirl View Post
Linda...I am so sorry about all that has happened to you...I have not been on the site for a few days or so...goofy computer would not load it...I know only too well how you are feeling..I too was molested by my dad and uncle...only difference with me, I told my Mom an she did NOTHING about it...only turned the other cheek and went on in her own happy world...I am thankful that you and your DD were able to get counseling, even briefly..I tried to go with a support group and they told me that since he did not have intercourse with me, then I really was not molested! Thank you for helping others by your story and your experiences...you are truly a wonderful good-hearted person...My parents are both dead, so I need not worry about my DD being hurt by my dad....sorry I did not mean to steal the thread with what I went through, it struck a nerve of anger and pain, I had to tell too...thanks ladies for reading...Linda, you are amazing in my book!
Taishea
Taishea, I am so sorry that you didn't find a GOOD support group for your molestation!!! They were very wrong to tell you THAT ! ! ! You were not validated, and you should have been!!! I am sorry that your Mother did NOTHING ! ! ! Telling what happened to us is very hard, that is why so many girls and women keep their secret for ever. I kept my secret until after my father's death. When I told my siblings about my abuse, a couple of them chose not to believe me at first. Now, I think they believe me, but, it has caused alienation in my family. My Daughter's abuse has caused her to separate from my family, too. I have just started back into counseling. Abuse is something that stays with you forever!!! It changes who you are and who you could have been. I hope my story has given you some strength in knowing that "You are not alone"!!! I hope you know that there IS GOOD help out there for what you have gone through!!! Always feel free to PM me. I am here for YOU!!!
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Old 08-07-2011, 05:10 AM   #359
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Taishea and Linda, my heart just aches for both of you. Taishea I am so sorry you were not heard! That is just rotten. I am sure this stays with you your entire life.

I can't imagine letting something like that go. I am sure you both feel the same way. I actually get physically ill when I think about what you went through. For me this is one situation that is clearly black and white.
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Old 08-08-2011, 05:13 AM   #360
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Thanks Karen...I just realized an answer for my kids...they always ask why I protect them from so much...I usually tell them it is my job..I protect them because I was never protected....it angers me that they do not appreciate what I have gone through (yes they know a little about my childhood) so that they might not have to do the same or worse....I tried to protect them from the harshness of the divorce and the meanness of that ordeal...I feel like a failure so much especially now that they are mostly grown and they act like they cannot stand me and that I am not good enough because I try to protect them....wow! Taishea
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