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Old 02-26-2013, 07:55 AM   #1
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Default Should I feel guilty?

I am coming here for anonymous opinions. Since I only "know" a few of you, you might be able to be objective....
A little over a year ago, a friend and I entered into a mentoring relationship with a young woman in my community. She is from a very sad background and we were told she was an excellent student who wanted to go to college. She DOES have a respectable GPA but it might be the epitome of grade inflation. She cannot write at all, spelling and context is awful, and worst of all, she got a pitiful score on her ACT (16). Believe it or not, a private school near us accepted her depite the fact that that ACT is three points BELOW their minimum. We set her up to retake the ACT, bought her a review book, and she didn't show up for the test.
This girl has driven me crazy. She has stood me up three times when we were supposed to work on her admission essays. To be honest, I wrote her admission essay (might be why she got in) She fell asleep in the chair while I was doing her FAFSA. She NEVER says thank you, ever. She acts bored all the time. I set her up wtih an email account and put her profile on a site that sends out scholarship info for those you qualify for. I have asked her about this a number of times and she acts as if she isn't getting them. I looked at the email account Sunday and there are OVER A HUNDRED scholarship information emails in there and she hasn't even opened a one. She has two essays to write for scholarships on the local and college level. For two weeks, she has done NOTHING. she wants me to write these essays and I am not doing it. Now she says she is busy all week and can't meet with me till 10pm at night. I WORK FULL TIME! And one of these essays is due Friday! She has also been abusing my friend, asking for money, etc. again without a thank you at all!
Last night, we emailed the guidance counselor at her school and said we could take no more and we were resigning. We have not heard anything back.
I feel a little guilty. I know the school has guidance counselors who could help her finish this (and they get paid for that). I just feel like we let her down. But she actually let us down.
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Old 02-26-2013, 09:23 AM   #2
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You have NOTHING to feel guilty for! You did everything a mentor should do and then some. Mentoring can be so rewarding, if the "mentee" (ha - a new word?!) is appreciative and does what they are supposed to. She has to be willing to help herself, and it sounds to me like she is totally uninterested in doing that.
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Old 02-26-2013, 10:06 AM   #3
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If I were you, the only guilt I'd be feeling is over how I just spent a lot of time when I could have been doing something more worthwhile.

No, you shouldn't feel in the least bit guilty. As the old saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." There's nothing more you could have done for this girl.

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Old 02-26-2013, 10:21 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by LidaB View Post
If I were you, the only guilt I'd be feeling is over how I just spent a lot of time when I could have been doing something more worthwhile.

No, you shouldn't feel in the least bit guilty. As the old saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." There's nothing more you could have done for this girl.

Lisa
You said it perfectly, Lisa.

And, Westiemom, good for you for trying to help, even though it didn't work out in this instance.

Don't give up on what sounds like a very worthwhile program. There will be another young woman that needs and WANTS mentoring.
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Old 02-26-2013, 10:23 AM   #5
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You should feel no guilt. I agree with Bugga though - don't give up on the program. Just this kid! She obviously isn't going to do anything to help herself. I'm sure there are many, many others who will benefit from your help.
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Old 02-26-2013, 10:40 AM   #6
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You should feel no guilt. I agree with Bugga though - don't give up on the program. Just this kid! She obviously isn't going to do anything to help herself. I'm sure there are many, many others who will benefit from your help.
My great-nephew was having terrible trouble with reading when he was about 11 years old. He had never really learned to properly sound out words and had just struggled from grade to grade.

He got involved in a local mentoring program called "Whiz Kids." His mentor was a district judge. A very nice, kind man who came and picked him up once a week and worked with him on reading. It made all the difference in the world to this kid. He finally learned to actually read and looked forward to the sessions every week. At the end of the program, the judge gave my nephew a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble from his own pocket.

My nephew was SO proud of himself when I took him to the bookstore to pick out a book. He is 15 now and doing well in school. I think he would have fallen through the cracks without the mentoring program.

His mother and I had tried to help him, without much success. Sometimes family members can't get through to kids, but another person can.
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Old 02-26-2013, 11:02 AM   #7
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Excellent example Bugga!
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Old 02-26-2013, 11:41 AM   #8
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Don't feel guilty.
I wouldn't.
If you continue in this program though, don't write any more essays that the student is supposed to write. And I would drop a student after having been stood up just once. There are other students who would treasure this kind of help and who would not waste your time.
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Old 02-26-2013, 12:03 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by SophieLaFontaine View Post
Don't feel guilty.
I wouldn't.
If you continue in this program though, don't write any more essays that the student is supposed to write. And I would drop a student after having been stood up just once. There are other students who would treasure this kind of help and who would not waste your time.


Tough Love, Sophie - but I think you are right!
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Old 02-26-2013, 05:19 PM   #10
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Westiemom I agree with everything that has been said. Perhaps this young lady has gotten so much help over the years that she expects it. It sounds that way to me. I must say, I admire that you would give your time and energies to be a mentor. There are definitely people who would take this serious. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
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Old 02-27-2013, 07:09 AM   #11
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I am so sorry this happened to you. You gave as much as you could, and then some. Don't feel guilty about your decision. She failed you.

I hope you will continue the program because I know there are people who would appreciate and thank you for your help.
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Old 02-27-2013, 05:57 PM   #12
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Your time is so extremely valuable....you handed this young woman a hand up and she either didn't know how to pull herself up with help or simply refused to do so because perhaps she really does not want to go to college. I compliment you for realizing that your time can be better spent with another student or any other way you choose. My compliments to you for helping ........
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Old 02-27-2013, 05:58 PM   #13
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Oh, I forgot...never feel guilty for following that little nudge in your life that says, "Something about this is just not right."
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Old 03-01-2013, 08:13 AM   #14
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You should not feel guilty. It sounds as though you did everything you could and then some. Move on to a more deserving and appreciative student.
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Old 03-01-2013, 09:25 AM   #15
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Don't feel guilty at all. You did what you could, more than expected. I wouldn't actually write the essays in the future. Assist them in writing their essays if they need the help. It sounds to me the girl just doesn't understand/comprehend what you were really doing for her. May it be her upbringing or whatever, she will have learn the hard way. The mentoring program sounds like an awesome program and I wouldn't stop doing that if you truly enjoy it.
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