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Old 04-02-2008, 07:34 PM   #321
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Thanks Rainsong for helping me with a copy of the e-mail.

I am so very tired that it is hard to keep up. The pain is getting me down. Here I thought 3 months ago that I just take the poison and move on with my life. NOT. The pain clinic wants me to take more pain meds and I want to be awake most of the day. I don't want to be so full of meds that I can't function properly. Mark says to just take them now and this is not a permanent thing. I remember my oncologist saying that Taxol could cause serious problems but it was a chance I had to take. I thought I had made it through when the 7th of 8 chemos was going into my system. But that was not to be.

I am going to bed. I hurt too much to concentrate and I keep falling asleep. So I am getting close to the end of the initial cancer treatments after the expander and implant exchange. Every ones fingers are crossed that I will just be in the hospital for one night and they won’t try to kill me this time.

It’s been a very long day. Good night all and thanks again for al you have done to lift my spirits in you own ways.

What the rest of that kids song:

“Pain, pain go away and come again some other day”.

LOL……That’s supposed to be "Rain, rain go away…….

See how my brain works or doesn’t.

Hugs to all.
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Old 04-02-2008, 07:37 PM   #322
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Big hugs Sammie. You are in my thoughts daily!
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Old 04-02-2008, 09:25 PM   #323
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Sammie you continue to be an insirationa nd I hold you in my thoughts everyday. Thank you RS for the update. I admit I was getting concerned after ot hearing anything new for a few days.

Big gentle warm hugs to you and your family Sammie.
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Old 04-02-2008, 11:11 PM   #324
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Sammie, love your siggie - hope the tide turns for you VERY soon.
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Old 04-06-2008, 07:07 PM   #325
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OK, I am done crying now. I have tried to keep friends and family up to date on my progress with my breast cancer for several months usually what you read here is all or part of an e-mail I send on or put in my Blog. Sometimes when I am in a lot of pain, I tend to be more negative and I DO feel sad at times. Today I received a reply from a friend from the past who also has breast cancer that I e-mailed when I found out I had it too. She has had it for 9 years and I thought she could help me try to understand more about BC and what I could expect.

I think I have only sent her a total of 4 e-mails over the past 4-5 months. I will just put in one sentence that she wrote me and you can get a taste of the sting in her total reply. She said:

“besides letting others know when you are angry, in pain and sad.. it would be a lot nicer if you could let them know what you are grateful for instead of being so negative…….”

It did hurt and maybe that was her intention. But maybe she has a point. I don’t want to go back and re-read all my posts, but am I being too negative? I am not looking for compliments…only the truth even if it hurts a little. The e-mail that she responded to was when I wrote that I was hospitalized recently and why.

Obviously I will just remove her from the e-mail list.

Should I tone it down and be more “peppy” in general? This thread is what I write and how I write it.

BTW, I feel like sh*t today.


1. The MRI on my knee for Monday was canceled for 2 weeks. They want to wait until after my surgery on my breasts.
2. Knee is huge and pain level is a 10. I want to shoot off the leg. (Oops - not peppy)
3. Chest pains
4. Hole in thigh looks worse. I am being treated for MRSA, staph and/or strep. Follow up on Tuesday. It looks scary. (Not peppy either. Must learn that lingo)


But hey, just forget the 4 things above and this a little peppy. Don't you think??? NOT.
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Old 04-06-2008, 07:15 PM   #326
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Sammie,

Over the last few months I have had nothing but admiration for your positive attitude! I can't imagine how your "friend" could have possibly read any of your emails as negative.

You've set a high standard of positivity for any other woman enduring the same illness.

Strike her from your list. You have nothing to be ashamed of but she certainly does!

Many, many hugs--and don't you DARE change the way you post or email.

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Old 04-06-2008, 07:48 PM   #327
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Sammie, I would much rather that you were honest about how things are going. I don't think anybody here expects platitudes from you. I have been following this thread for a while now and I wish you hugs and strength, and to your family also.
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Old 04-06-2008, 08:01 PM   #328
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WHOA!!!

I didn't know it was YOUR job to be peppy for others. You have been honest, to the point, and straight with us. I haven't AT ALL felt like you've whined or been all negative!!! Believe me, I don't care to hang with negative people.

When you are hurting, I admire you for just taking the time to keep us up to date. I feel like it's OUR charge to keep love and positive energy going your way.

I'm really sad and shocked that a "friend" would say that to you. What a jerk.

I agree with Rainsong, don't even bother emailing her anymore. Sheesh. Life is too short to deal with people like that.

You have definitely been strong, IMHO, and when I see the comments of all the other people - many who don't know you ONE BIT - they comment on how strong you sound!!!! That says a lot to me.

Love you girl!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 04-07-2008, 04:23 AM   #329
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Ugh Sammie - like you need someone like that! True friends need to hear how it is really going. And you can be honest and not negative at the same time - and I that is how you come across to me.

I agree with the others, remove her from the list (and add me!!! )
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Old 04-07-2008, 04:26 AM   #330
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Hi Sammie.

I've not minded your honesty and candor one bit. Quite the opposite, I've appreciated your trust in sharing the bad as well as the good, and your ease and and comfort in knowing you always have a safe place to share ANYTHING that's going on with those who care about you.

One thing I found in dealing with all the infertility issues over the last year is that sometimes feeling uncomfortable, scared and uncertain of what to say brings out the worst in people. Some people have very strong ideas about what's helped THEM, but don't understand that what WAS helpful to them may in fact be the opposite of what would help YOU. Seems that folks who begin sentences with 'you have to (do/think/feel/say) X' have a pretty strong interest in sharing their experience, sometimes less so in understanding yours. Sometimes it's helpful, sometimes it's just depressing, overwhelming, and the last thing you need.

My experience was nowhere near yours but I got really exasperated with folks who tried to cram advice down our throats until I remembered that they generally meant well. What I found was that where the friendship ran deep enough, it usually helped to tell them, I understand you mean well, but I can't deal with this right now. Good friends could hear that and it opened a more honest discussion. The folks who got huffy and offended that I had challenged their wisdom pretty much let me know right there that they weren't interested in a dialogue as much as in asserting how 'right' they were. Trying to deal with that sort of delicately-worded communication is the last thing anyone needs when they feel sick, overwhelmed, exhausted, depressed and scared, so I have no advice. If you want to try to work it out with her, I hope her ears and heart are as open as yours. If you'd rather go tell her to suck eggs, please let me know where to ship a carton and I'll be glad to make the arrangements.

Sammie, all I can say is you've found a place where YOU can share what you need to, and find the comfort that helps you. Don't let anyone tell you you're not doing that right. I think you've shown more courage, fierceness, warmth, humor and love than I could possibly imagine in dealing with this. Just because you need to vent and cry sometimes, and need a safe place where folks can put their virtual arms around you doesn't mean you're NOT optimistic. Nor does the fact that you don't feel the need to dress what you're going through up in a pretty pink outfit with a wal-mart price cut smiley-face pasted over everything you say. I'd rather feel you can share what's really going on, and ask for what you need, than feel like you need to turn this into some happy-face peppy chat for us.

(((Hugs))) to you Sammie, and keep letting us know what's going on. We're here.
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Old 04-07-2008, 04:44 AM   #331
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I agree with everyone above.

Don't change a thing and delete her from your email list.
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Old 04-07-2008, 04:54 AM   #332
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Sending you more hugs, Sammie~sure sounds like you can use them!!!

Delete that "friend" from your email list~~you don't need "friends" like that.....you have plenty of real friends right here that you can talk to anytime...and we want to hear the truth! You need a place to vent, and this is it!

You hang in there, girl. You are in my thoughts!
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Old 04-07-2008, 06:08 AM   #333
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Sammie, I think you are a real trooper. Cancer coupled with the other issues you are going through has got to be a b *tch. How can one expect peppiness? Maybe your friend was having a bad day? I have nothing but the utmost respect for you and admire your attitude! Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on and that's what friends are for.

However you feel you need to post/e-mail, you do it your way. I really believe that it's part of the whole process. Your friends will be here, routing for you to get through this!

Sorry, your friend stung you!

Warm hugs!
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Old 04-07-2008, 08:45 AM   #334
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Oh Sammie!!! You sound plenty grateful to me! You've let us know plenty that you're thankful for your husband, your daughter, your grandkids, your new surgeon, the other doctor who has had breast cancer... and us! *grin* I think it is your friend who is not positive.

I am scared about that hole in your thigh; I hope that gets taken care of! That is horrible about the pain. Best wishes in dealing with everything.
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Old 04-07-2008, 11:04 AM   #335
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{{{hugs}}} Sammie.

I think that this is a place where you can feel safe in saying (or whispering, or screaming) ANYTHING, and you will always find love and support.
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Old 04-07-2008, 04:31 PM   #336
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Well Sammie lets see if I can type through the veil of angry tears for you. I can't say how I'm feeling for you any better than Rainsong and Wrose stated their feelings so I'll just say scroll back up and read them again in whatever voice you use for me.

You go and put those pajamas right back on and email us till your hearts content.
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Old 04-07-2008, 04:42 PM   #337
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she's poop
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Old 04-07-2008, 07:28 PM   #338
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Quote:
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she's poop
So eloquent, as always. I agree completely.

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Old 04-07-2008, 07:36 PM   #339
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Sammie, sometimes "peppy" just isn't appropriate. I love you just the way you are! I hope your leg gets better fast. (you have deleted her e-mail I hope).

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Old 04-07-2008, 07:56 PM   #340
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Sammy,
Here's the deal. I feel I am a very caring person, and when you are a very caring person, people sh*t on you, as you stated it earlier. I have learned to really analyze friendship. I have cleaned house in that part of my life, and I have really only left people in my life that add value to me. I am done giving and giving and not receiving. It sounds like you might need to do the same with her. What value is she bringing?

I have admired your honesty from the get-go. Look how many honest, loyal people have stayed at your side for month's on end? If we thought you complained too much, you certainly wouldn't have so many people sitting and waiting to hear posts form you on a daily basis. Honestly. I admire your honesty and your sense of humor throughout this whole thing.

It's kind of like child-birth. I have never kids, and everyone always tells you the positives, but never the negatives, for example: appeasiotomy, pooing on the table, so on and so forth. In my opinion, those are major things I want someone to tell me before I have kids! And, you have been so honest, it's nice to hear the other side of it, because if God forbid it does happen to me, I know it's not gonna be a walk in the park.

Sorry I was so lengthy, but man, this really fried my *ss when I read this. Sorry!
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:39 PM   #341
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I am so grateful for your candor. I love reading your "real person" thoughts and I cheer for you when things go well and send good thoughts your way when things are hard. You should mail your "friend" a gold star since the princess positive contest is so important to her. Then take her off your list and be yourself.

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Old 04-10-2008, 09:32 AM   #342
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I saw the oncologist yesterday and now that I am done with chemo, I won’t see him again for another 3 months. ....unless there is something new that pops us. I am a little scared about the surgery next Wed. but that is only because the lat one I had problems and was in recovery for 9 hours. But I have a different surgeon and feel safe with him.

I got the statistics on my recurrence chances and the order in which they usually come. First, there is a 20% chance that I will get a cancer in the left breast but it won’t be a metastasis (met) but a new kind. That is not necessarily bed. But because they couldn’t see the cancer on the right breast with the yearly mammograms, I wanted him to repeat to me that every other time he would order an MRI and the mammos would be the other times. I was pretty sure that I would have a mastectomy on the good breast, but finally decided not to and to just trust that if a cancer came, it would be found early and then maybe only a lumpectomy and no chemo would be the treatment.

What scared me were the other stats. He said that there is now a 1 in 5 chance that a recurrence would happen in the bones, lungs, liver and brain – in that order. The best would be to the bones as many women with stage IV with bone mets can live many years with treatment. You never get rid of the cancer but they keep it under control as long as they can. But the other 3 were bad. He said that 2 years would be the longest one could love on average with the others. Less time with the liver and brain.

What is strange but normal is that there are really no symptoms for an early warning that there is a met. Even PET scans won’t pick up anything until it is about the size of a dime and that is too large for survival in the long run.

So, I was feeling really sorry for myself I think and just sad. I told my DH on the way home from the DR that we needed to seriously consider selling the house because it would be too much for him if I were to die. He didn’t say anything then, but later just wanted to remind me that if I thought of the other side of the stats, there is an 80% that I am going to WIN this battle and live to be old….I guess I should say really old as O fee OLD right now.

My DD just called and one of the very few times I have broken down telling her about the hurtful e-mail I got. We both know the woman is crazy but she didn’t have to be hurtful too. Actually my DD knows her best as she is her former MIL from 10 years ago. She was married and she and DH moved to CA and her MIL couldn’t handle to so she asked her son to pick between her and his wife. The wuss picked his mom. So a 10 months marriage ended.

I have gotten so far off track. But as soon as I can get the knee surgery, I will be back to my normal self. I can’t even remember what that is. I think I was a nice person. Hmmm..we’ll have to see.

Good Grief, I wrote another book. Either I or my DH will let you know how my 2 ½ hour surgery goes. This post may seem “sad” and maybe I am a little today. I don’t know why but the pain meds this morning have gotten to me.

Thank you all for making me smile at times when I feel like the sky is falling. You have no idea how much you all mean to me.

Love and Hogs.
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Old 04-10-2008, 09:39 AM   #343
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Sammie, {{{HUGS}}}. You are really an inspriation. Good luck with surgery - I hope it goes well.
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Old 04-10-2008, 09:42 AM   #344
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Sammie, the statistics left me cold too. But I think your DH is right; we should all focus on the other side of the statistics - at least the odds are stacked in your favour! Best of wishes on your surgery (I'm so glad you got a new surgeon), and I'm so happy that you are done with chemo!
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Old 04-10-2008, 09:49 AM   #345
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Thank you for the update Sammie. ANd thank you for writing it as you and not changing a thing that you wanted to share because of the crazy lady. She's not worth it. You are the only thing you need to be focusing on right now. I'm sure DH and DD would agree.

May your surgery go smoothly and your pain continue to get under control.

THank you for being a huge inspiration. I'd really like to share something with you but I'm not sure when the right time is so if you feel like hearing something about me let me know. Otherwise tell me to can it
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Old 04-10-2008, 10:16 AM   #346
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I love your "books" and the voice you use to write them.

LOL! If your dh hadn't told you about the other side, I was going to. If you look at it in terms of the lottery instead of cancer--4 chances out of 5 to WIN! it doesn't sound nearly as bad, does it?

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts next Wed. Funny, I don't think a day has gone by since you were diagnosed that I haven't caught myself thinking about you. So, if it's okay with you, I'll light a candle and ask the Universe to bless you with healing.

Do you have any idea how long you'll be in the hospital this time? If you're home by the weekend and feeling up to it, let me know and I'll call. We'll time the conversation in accordance with your stamina!

Love and hugs,

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Old 04-10-2008, 10:47 AM   #347
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Big, gentle (((HUGS))) to you, Sammie. I agree with your DH and Rainsong on the odds. They're still overwhelmingly in your favor--as are love, warmth, friendship, hope, and your own fierce strength in getting through this and wonderful honesty and humor.

Hearing about your DD's ex-MIL definitely puts her snotty little note into perspective. Be peppy, positive, and by all means make sure your child doesn't get to live his own life! That's a stellar approach!!!

We're all thinking about you, and I'm sending all the warmth, friendship, prayers and good thoughts I can muster. Thank you for the update and very warm wishes for a speedy recovery from your surgery.
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Old 04-10-2008, 10:48 AM   #348
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Hey Sammie! Just checking in with you. I am sure it's a relief to be done with chemo, now you just need to get your surgery out of the way. You continue to amaze me with your strength. Good luck and I'll be thinking about you....and checking for updates
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Old 04-10-2008, 11:06 AM   #349
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I love your "books" and the voice you use to write them.

LOL! If your dh hadn't told you about the other side, I was going to. If you look at it in terms of the lottery instead of cancer--4 chances out of 5 to WIN! it doesn't sound nearly as bad, does it?

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts next Wed. Funny, I don't think a day has gone by since you were diagnosed that I haven't caught myself thinking about you. So, if it's okay with you, I'll light a candle and ask the Universe to bless you with healing.

Do you have any idea how long you'll be in the hospital this time? If you're home by the weekend and feeling up to it, let me know and I'll call. We'll time the conversation in accordance with your stamina!

Love and hugs,

Rainsong
Thank you my dear friend. Light a candle for me please. I will only be in the hospital for 24 hours. In and out - I hope. I think all will go well. He will take out the expander, put int the implant and give theother breast an uplift so it will match the implant side. Just think - I am 59 and get a breat lift. How cool is that?

I would love to hear from you this weekend.
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Old 04-10-2008, 11:11 AM   #350
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I'm sorry dd you say your were 59? Wow I placed you in your firties for some reason. Must be your very young outlook on things. You are much more outgoing and uplifting than I feel sometimes.

Wait did I just say uplifting? Wonder how that got implanted in my brain?

Good luck with all the coming procedures.

*I am deeply sorry about the bad puns. Seems low blood sugar is to blame.
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Old 04-10-2008, 11:30 AM   #351
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Good luck with your surgery, Sammie. I think of you every day, too and wish strength and peace for you.
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Old 04-10-2008, 11:39 AM   #352
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(((Sammie))) I hope everything goes well on Wed.
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Old 04-10-2008, 02:40 PM   #353
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Default My picture in the Avatar

The Avatar is a picture of me with my youngest daughter. Obviously this was when I still had hair. I am only going to leave the Avatar up for a week or so. I just wanted my friends to put a face to the person behind the thread. I am actually hoping my hair comes back a real pretty silver color. Most who have lost hair through chemo says their's first comes back black and curly. That would be interesting too.
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Old 04-10-2008, 02:42 PM   #354
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You are both beautiful!!
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Old 04-10-2008, 02:53 PM   #355
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha View Post
The Avatar is a picture of me with my youngest daughter. Obviously this was when I still had hair. I am only going to leave the Avatar up for a week or so. I just wanted my friends to put a face to the person behind the thread. I am actually hoping my hair comes back a real pretty silver color. Most who have lost hair through chemo says their's first comes back black and curly. That would be interesting too.
Thanks for the picture, Sammie. It's great to put a face with a name, and with all the good thoughts that are coming your way! I've heard the same about hair returning after chemo~the curly part at least.....my sister was at least hoping for that if she had lost her hair
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Old 04-10-2008, 02:56 PM   #356
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thanks for the view of you two. those are some smiles filled with warmth and love for sure.
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Old 04-10-2008, 04:22 PM   #357
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Sammy, thanks for the picture! Don't worry, now that you are done with chemo, your hair will be back in no time! Is there anything we can do for you before your next surgery?
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Old 04-10-2008, 05:25 PM   #358
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha View Post
The Avatar is a picture of me with my youngest daughter. Obviously this was when I still had hair. I am only going to leave the Avatar up for a week or so. I just wanted my friends to put a face to the person behind the thread. I am actually hoping my hair comes back a real pretty silver color. Most who have lost hair through chemo says their's first comes back black and curly. That would be interesting too.
Sammie,

what a lovely photo and what happy smiles on your faces!

Thank you so much for sharing--well, YOU--with all of us--and your DD too!
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Old 04-10-2008, 11:07 PM   #359
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Sammie, thanks so much for sharing the avatar for a bit!!!

We'll all be pulling for you through the surgery and afterward. ((hugs))
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Old 04-11-2008, 03:55 AM   #360
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*grin* Thanks for the photo Samantha! I know it sounds stupid, but I just realized now that I already had a mental photo of you... and you looked like Samantha from Bewitched. I'll um... go and update my mental photo of you now. *sheepish grin*
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