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Old 11-18-2012, 07:53 AM   #1
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Default In need of advise re:bad influence on my children

My husband and I are at a loss. A neighbor's (and friend) 9yo granddaughter comes to visit her a couple of times a month and often hangs out with my 7 and 4 yo DDs. Throughout the course of these visits over the last two years it has become abundantly clear that this little girl is manipulative, mean-spirited and cruel and as of yesterday, also a thief. The item was returned this morning but with a litany of excuses and lies.

The situations with this child have been a good source of teachable moments between my oldest DD and I and I appreciate the chance to help her build a strong and compationate character. As a family we have decided that this little girl is no longer welcome to play at our house but that if my daughters would like, they may go over to the grandmother's to play. So here is the dilemna. How do I address this with the parents/grandparents and child? To put this in perspective, we live across the street from the grandparents in a town of less than 500. There are no other children on our street so when this girl comes to play there aren't other children to include. I feel very affectionate toward the grandparents and see them on a daily basis. It makes me so angry that this child is threatening to ruin the relationship I have with my neighbors.

Any advise on how to tactfully handle the situation would be appreciated. I'm not interested in punishing the little girl. I want to let by-gones be by-gones, but I won't condone bad behavior in my home. Finally I want to buffer my daughters from this girl's influences.
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Old 11-18-2012, 08:20 AM   #2
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This won't be much help, but your children would still be under the girl's manipulative and mean spirited influence if they play at the grandparents house. I would either be "busy" when the next few visits come, or possibly have a school friend over in addition. Maybe an additional child will bring a different dynamic to the group. If you want to remain friends with the grandparents, I don't think there's much you could say about the situation that wouldn't hurt their feelings. I'm a coward when it comes to things like this, so I would just avoid the girl, but others probably have better advice.
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Old 11-18-2012, 08:32 AM   #3
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Rachel: I'm not trying to throw you under the bus............I just am uncertain why you would still let your daughters play over there, but not at your house (I would vote to stop playtime with her all-together).

Plan B: If your daughters still go over there. I would shoot straight with the grandmother. Tell it to her just like you told it to us. "I'm concerned about 9 yr old behavior; I don't allow that with my children. Grandma, what are your thoughts?"

Perhaps she sees what you see, and feels like she can't control or guide it either, since (assuming) the 9 yr old isn't there all that often.

Again, you might be surprised. She might be on your same page.
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Old 11-18-2012, 08:34 AM   #4
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How about adding, "I don't want to hurt or hinder OUR relationship----I love you as neighbors! But I'm concerned..........."

She didn't raise the 9 yr old (assuming) so you really aren't going at her. She can only control and manage the behavior while child is at her house.
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Old 11-18-2012, 03:33 PM   #5
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well i would do the opposite and IF they play have it ONLY under your supervision at your house and feel free to explain the terms/rules in your house and should she choose not to follow send her home. if you are friends with the grandparents there is no shame in this. i would certainly expect my handful of a daughter to be handled this way. if she can't pull it together i see nothing wrong with saying she can't come play. but you don't necessarily have to explain anything to the grandparents - we have a neighbor girl who is always over here and tries to pull the same thing - i nip it in the bud. but i don't feel i need to tell her mother about it every time either.
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Old 11-18-2012, 06:12 PM   #6
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I agree with cerridwen, you have control at your house, and there is a plus to this, you not only get to teach your daughter acceptable behavior, but the good Lord might be putting this child in your path because you probably are the one that can teach her with compassion, discipline and care in this area. Of course when she comes over, the first few times, I would make sure she knew she was under constant supervision and even include your daughter, such as DD how to we do this, or explain why we don't do that, or we do it this way, or that is not acceptable behavior... I think you get the idea.
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Old 11-19-2012, 02:34 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cerridwen3301 View Post
well i would do the opposite and IF they play have it ONLY under your supervision at your house and feel free to explain the terms/rules in your house and should she choose not to follow send her home. if you are friends with the grandparents there is no shame in this. i would certainly expect my handful of a daughter to be handled this way. if she can't pull it together i see nothing wrong with saying she can't come play. but you don't necessarily have to explain anything to the grandparents - we have a neighbor girl who is always over here and tries to pull the same thing - i nip it in the bud. but i don't feel i need to tell her mother about it every time either.

I like your plan better then mine! I agree. "This is how we conduct ourselves at this house" and if the 9 yr. old can't comply, she heads home across the street to grandma's.
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Old 11-25-2012, 09:12 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cerridwen3301 View Post
well i would do the opposite and IF they play have it ONLY under your supervision at your house and feel free to explain the terms/rules in your house and should she choose not to follow send her home. if you are friends with the grandparents there is no shame in this. i would certainly expect my handful of a daughter to be handled this way. if she can't pull it together i see nothing wrong with saying she can't come play. but you don't necessarily have to explain anything to the grandparents - we have a neighbor girl who is always over here and tries to pull the same thing - i nip it in the bud. but i don't feel i need to tell her mother about it every time either.
If the girls go to her house to play then they are out of your control and so is any situation they may arise. I personally would find excuses for the girls not to play together because she cannot be a positive influence on your children. Good luck
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Old 11-26-2012, 03:54 AM   #9
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I would say that if this has been going on for 2 years then it's a little late to start putting down rules now. I know that sounds rude but if, over the 2 years that they have been playing together, you have seen this girl to be mean spirited, manipulative and cruel and you never did anything before...why start now? Because she stole something? I would think the other character traits are worse but that's just me. I am guessing that since the item in question has been returned, the grandmother (is that who brought it back?) is probably mortified and embarassed. The stealing might not happen again but the "mean girl" behavior will probably stick around. I would, instead of banishing this girl from your home at this point in the game, maybe take this opportunity to tell your own kids that there are people like this in the world and they need to be mindful of it...teach them how to be a good judge of character at a young age. Let them decide if they want to be friends with someone like that or not. That will be something they will need and use their whole life long.
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