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Old 08-22-2012, 07:37 AM   #1
dshaffer1976
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Where the Giant is Sleeping
Posts: 822
Default Relationship advice needed...

Background: I left my husband 6 months ago. Marriage was over long ago...and I have been lonely for a long time. Got on an online dating website and met someone who I really enjoyed chatting with. We chatted every day for 6 weeks before meeting in person, mainly because he lived in a small town 3 hours from me. Single Dad (his wife left and moved across the country) with one son. I have 2 girls. All about the same age.

Things moved pretty quickly, and we chatted about moving in together if he moved to the city. His online profile said that he was planning on moving here this summer. He applied for a job (a transfer within the same organization) and got it. The day that he got the job, I found an envelope on his kitchen table I assumed was divorce papers - I opened it - and found out that he was in some serious debt and they were going to repo his vehicle.

We discussed this and he assured me that he was already talking to the bank and if he couldn't work out a deal with the bank then he would have to give the truck back and get a used car that he could afford.

Fast forward 5 weeks. He's moved to the city, his kid is driving me crazy and he's moved all his stuff into my house and yard. I kept questioning him about the vehicle but he said it was taken care of. Come to find out last Friday that the repo man found him and gave him until Monday to pay off the loan or have his truck taken away.

No surprise Monday the truck was repo'd and the boyfriend had to buy a $2500 car because a vehicle is a requirement of his job. When I asked, it turns out that he bought the car with a cash advance on his credit card...which already had $3000 in cash advances from previous stuff. I freaked out! I worked damn hard to get my finances in order so that when I left my husband I could support myself and my children. His decision making as far as finances are completely contrary to what I would do. He owns a boat, 2 ATV's and a travel trailer that he's still making payments on. Luckily I did make sure that we had a legal agreement before they moved in - like a pre-nup.

Anyway, the whole thing has been eating away at me because now that I know the full story (unless he's hiding something else, and he very well could be) then he can't afford to live the lifestyle that my girls and I live (and we aren't rich, but we aren't broke either) and he certainly wasn't able to finance a move to the city on his own. I thought I covered all my bases before we moved in together...I insisted on full financial disclosure, we talked about what debts we each had (he said that his truck would be paid off in a year...not that he was in default). I emphasized to him on more than one occasion that he should be moving because he wanted to...not moving for me. I am independent and didn't have a problem with him being 3 hours away...we saw eachother every couple of weeks and I was okay with that for now.

Last night I asked him...if I hadn't offered to let you move in if you came to the city, would you have applied for that transfer? and his answer was no, that he would have stayed where he was. He also confessed that he just said in his profile that he was moving because no one would even give a relationship with him a chance because he was 3 hours away.

So, here is where I am at now. I feel betrayed, used and duped. I'm not even sure he did it consciously, or if he just wanted someone to love so much that he said what he need to get here and just left the rest out. My problem is that I asked, and asked and made a big deal about honesty. I want to tell him and his kid to find somewhere else to live. Problem is, now that I know his financial situation, I know that things would be supertight for him here in the city. Moving home isn't an option for him.

We've only been "together" officially for 4 months and with this much turmoil already I just want to let it go. What do I do? We're both mid-30's. I want to give him 6 weeks to get out, but I don't want to be mean. On one hand, I know that it's not my responsibility to take care of his money problems, on the other hand I feel responsible because if I had asked the right questions we wouldn't be in this mess.

Anyone have any advice.
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