SOME SUNDAY FUNNIES....
During a New Jersey jury selection, the judge is picking a jury for a drug distribution case.
He starts by asking, "Is there anyone here that can't participate in this particular case?"
A lady in the back of the jury selection pool raises her hand and says,
"Judge, I can't be on this jury because of my occupation."
The judge inquires, "Madame, what is it that you do?
"The lady answer, "Your honor, I'm a soothsayer."
The judge responds, "Alright, so exactly how does that prevent you from sitting on this jury?"
The lady explains, "I already know how the case is going to turn out."
1. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and think, "Well, that's not going to happen".
2. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
3. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
4. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?
5. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."
Men need to memorize these words inherent in some wives and girlfriends:
NINE WORDS WOMEN MAY USE...
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are NOT the smartest person and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8 ) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying...Get away from me NOW.
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.