Ladies, I came upon this thread tonight and it gave me some comfort to know that I am not alone in what I have had to deal with as a result of my divorce 22 years ago. Boy I am amazed at the similarities we have had to deal with, it is like they have read a book on how to be jerks. But it also makes me very sad that I also know that you truly don't get over it, you just have to deal with it the best you can. Divorce is a gift that keeps on giving. Just when you think you got it mastered, something happens that reminds you that you are part of a broken family.
My daughter (32 yo) is getting married next spring and the planning has brought up all the unresolved issues. My daughter tries to run interference and it only makes things more difficult for everyone (she's a people pleaser). I had a friend a long time ago give me great advice to look at my ex just as the kid's dad. It disconnected us as a couple for me and my focus is doing what is right for the kids. All I wanted is to be able to co-parent. Just wish he would do the same but sad to say he still looks at me as his ex wife. Even though he remarried only two months after our divorce was final and should be happy, he got everything he wanted, haha. I think that when he realized he missed the day to day with the kids, instead of taking responsibilty for his choices, he blamed me and has made it his mission to punish me by doing everything he can to take the kids love from me. He was an only child and is very selfish, one of the issues in our marriage, I never felt my opinion was ever considered and he also doesn't consider the kids feelings or put their needs first. It is and has always been about him. He sued for custody of both my kids when they were 17 just to get out of paying child support. He was the Disneyland Dad and I was the parent that was left with the discipline role, trying to raise them to be responsible adults. He has manipulated the kids to the point that my son (36 yo) called me 3 1/2 years ago to tell me he didn't want me in his life anymore with no explanation. And now my daughter and I are on the outs because I wanted to reconcile with my son before her wedding. Divorce does not teach reconciliation in relationships, it teaches when there are problems you run the other way and don't deal with them.
I wish I could tell you that it gets better but in my case I can't say it does. I hate seeing the effects it has had on my kids lives and the choices they make. At this point, all I can say is keep doing the best you can and keep your eyes open. It does help to have low expectations of them so that when they do something right you can be grateful, it's the small things that will get you through.