ok, so I have been lurking a bit. and reading a lot.
Divorce is hard and sucks no matter how 'easy' the process it.
My second marriage will be over in about 2.5 months - and it's such a relief. Fortunately he lives in another country, so service by publication is a very viable option for me. Makes me sound like a coward and a beeyotch, but with this route I don't have to tell him (though I probably will, but by snail mail). I want this, have for 2.5 years, he is desperately trying to hang on. I avoid his phone calls, because all he does is cry and BEG for me not to leave. Point is, we've been separated 2.5 yrs of our 4 year marriage. Of the other 1.5, he was overseas for 9. What we have is not a marriage. We have no kids an each have our own separate properties. Neither gives the other any kind of support - so I really don't understand why he is so desperately trying to hang on. I especially don't get it when we barely speak and we live on 2 different CONTINENTS. Weird.
Anyway, though my choice it still has not been easy. I admit, I have lied to him and myself saying I would try to make it work (hard to do 4k miles apart), agreed with him that all we need is love and we can find our way back. but, when i finally look at what I want, it's not this. I think if I said those things/made those commitments to work out it to him and out loud that I myself would believe it. I don't - and it's made it a bit worse. I often felt pressured into saying those things too though - as a former military interrogator I felt that's what he did to me. Interrogated me if he didn't get the answers/solution he wanted.
Anyway...3 things I've been told/learned/am trying to accept
1 - you cannot go around the fire, you must walk through it. and yes, it's going to burn like h*ll
2 - after the fire has died, and the smoke is gone the scars will still be there but will over time become less noticeable and painful
3 - and perhaps the most beautiful thing I've ever heard from my mother - What happens after a fire (thing forest fire here) - there is new growth and renewed life that springs from those charred remains.
I hold on to those words from my mother and try to repeat them to myself everyday.