Thursday, January 27, 2011 11:20 AM, CST
I apologize once again for this incredibly long hiatus. I just kind of felt like disappearing for awhile. I feel like it's time to kick off a new season on my own little reality show. I miss writing and need to get back to what truly acts as my therapy. I have a lot I want to share and unload. I'll do it slowly, though...for your sake as well as my own!
The holidays were hard and fulfilling at the same time. I think I live life in an ever swirling contradiction! There is a lot I want to write about. This is one time I'm going to have to search deep for some sort of organizational skills to help me achieve all I want to say. I'm going to be patient with myself!
I had no intention of writing today. I was actually getting ready to head out the door to run some errands. I needed to return something to the mall (uuuugh) and have been putting it off for as long as I possibly could. My desire to be at the mall has done a complete one eighty to what it used to be. I just don't want to be there. My internal hermit has taken the reigns a lot lately. As I grabbed my list, thoughts started to overwhelm me like they used to, so I found myself sitting down at the computer and re-acquainting myself with my old friend, the keyboard. God must have a specific agenda for me today! Guess the mall will have to wait!
In the past ten months, my faith has not faltered, once...it has been steadfast through the overflowing floods, the sporadic volcanic eruptions, the slippery mile high mountain treks and the pitch dark perilous tunnels. There have been many, many days of late where there have been only one visible set of footprints in the sand! There lies the reason why my faith has sustained and remains intact. It continues to grow even when I think it's not possible for it to do so! God has proven His point to me! He is with me and in me!
There is nothing that can "un-brake my broken heart," though I know that the deep wound will eventually scar over and the constant pain that is still felt so strongly will hopefully subside at times and dwindle in strength. Right now, the tears still flow as if Sicily died in my arms last night. No amount of vitamin E will ever fade the scar that remains, and there may be times that the wound could possibly be ripped back open and the immense pain becomes overpowering again. I am in constant awareness of this. But the one thing I definitely know is that hatred, blame, regret, anger...all these "infections" will inhibit the wound from ever having a chance to heal or recover. God provides me first aide...in many times it comes from unknowing souls who bandage my wound without realizing they are doing so. They friends and family, and on some days they are mere strangers who say or do just the right thing that may help me feel better!
One of the strongest practices that is required of those who consider themselves to be of strong faith is to be a good witness...a witness to share what God's love and grace are capable of achieving. This is a task that I have often failed to do as I am just not a natural born "seller." I tried my hand in my younger years at retail. The shoes, so to speak, never quite fit me right. I hated to hound people and propose they buy more than what they laid upon the counter. I did not like to be "pushy" as this made me feel uncomfortable when it was done to me. Bottom line, it's not my calling. I used to feel this same way when it came to witnessing to others where God is concerned. Some people are naturals and others are drawn to their charismatic ways, while some people try so hard that they are perceived as pushy in their attempts to try to force faith upon those around them and they actually do more damage than good. It can be a fine and frail line. For me, I decided that my actions in life will hopefully serve as the witness that God wants and needs me to be.
Numeral uno in my book is to avoid at all costs the humanly inhumane practice of passing judgment on others if they choose to believe different than me or if their thoughts don't align with my own. I will gladly share why my faith has literally saved my mortal and eternal life if questions are ever asked or presented to me. I will admit to wanting to offer one little bit of advice, though, where faith is concerned. It is better to have it before the storm arrives. It just helps with the ability to better handle the potential destruction that does and ultimately will take place at some time or another in everyone's lives! It's better to have the insurance before the damage is accrued. Though different than a home owner insurance policy, God will still help clean up the mess after a disaster, even if you didn't acquire a policy with Him or believe He would be of any help before. His insurance is free to us, though it came for a hefty price through His Son.
I am still overwhelmed to tears and complete full body goosebumps at times when I look around and see all that He has done for me, all because I "let" Him. He has blessed me with so much! By just believing and understanding that my life is in His hands, I am surviving a nightmare. A nightmare that will only end when my own earthly body is laid to rest. But as strange as it may sound, this nightmare is played out at the very same time as the most beautiful and amazing dreams are taking place, as well. They are not dueling it out in my head, but co-existing side by side. Some times they overlap and some times one has the upper hand for awhile. At first it was the nightmare, but then the beautiful dreams began to gain in strength. Never the less, life is about balancing the nightmares with the beautiful dreams. I feel like I am living proof that it can be done. Once again, the word "easy" has no place in my ability to achieve this. I want more than anything to erase that word from my vocabulary, but I can't as I hold onto hope that I may actually get to use it someday. I'm always holding onto hope! What would life be without it?
Well, I promise to sit back down soon and share some of the experiences these past almost three months have accumulated. I have felt Sicily's undeniable presence a couple times and I have discovered several means of ways to help with my own healing. I've been learning how to cope with situations that have me initially feeling helpless and frustrated, but then God puts ideas in my mind and I shake my head in amazement. I can't wait to share some of these things as maybe I will score some brownie points and earn my "witness" badge!
God Bless and everyone have a great day! Kerry