Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Reisterstown, Maryland
August 31, 2010
I scratched another mark on my survival walking stick this past weekend as I stayed home by myself for the entire weekend as Patrick and the kids traveled to Wellington. I was torn between attending a Women's Club function here at church and getting to visit family and friends in Kansas. The thought of missing an opportunity to sit at Sicily's grave broke my heart, but the need to be more active and involved in our church had me participating in my own personal tug of war. I stood by what I thought was the best thing for me to do, and it turned out to be exactly the right decision and a much needed good time! I attended a sock-hop at church. Yes, I even dressed the part. It was a membership drive for the Women's Club and an opportunity for me to be around some people I love dearly and allowed for me to meet others. Sicily's beloved teacher and my dear friend, Miss Sylvia, was part of the committee that put the whole shin dig together. I didn't get to be around her as much as I'd liked as she was busy and had much to do. I sat with Miss Judi Ann, another vital part of my life, and she introduced me to several sweet smiling faces. I must say, I was very entertained! I love to laugh and I love to be around people who don't take life too seriously! I sat at the right table!!!
After Saturday afternoon's festivities, I came home and just did a little of this and a little of that and some of nothing around the house. I worked on laundry and sorted through stacks of things pertaining to Sicily that I knew would be difficult to go through, but managed to tackle anyway. I had worn a pink sweater, Sicily's favorite color, to the sock-hop earlier that afternoon. As I was doing laundry, I hung it, along with several other items of clothing that I don't throw in the dryer, above the door way in between our bedroom and bathroom. Five times through out the day and the following morning as I was getting ready for church, that sweater fell down. None of the other dozen or so hanging garments fell...only that pink sweater. I'm beginning to see signs of Sicily's presence. I felt like she kept knocking down that sweater to remind me that she was with me, even though I was alone in the house and by myself for the weekend. I cried. I laughed. I verbally told her she was being a stinker for knocking down my sweater, but at the same time, I was so happy to keep picking it up. It was her way of letting me know she is still with me. That's the first time I really felt it. I can't wait to see what she does next! ; )
I'll end with my Sunday morning church experience. It never bothered me before to go to church by myself, but since Sicily's death, I just want my family with me and around me as much as possible. I got up and managed to get myself ready for 9:15 mass. It felt strange pulling into the church parking lot and walking up the sidewalk alone. Even though our church is one of my favorite places to be, it was still a very lonely feeling. I guess I was truly wearing my emotions on my sleeves that morning, as the tears my eyes have grown so accustom to began to fall shortly after I slid back into my seat after kneeling. There, four short pews in front of me sat the most precious blonde haired little girl, with a face that I was so familiar with. It was Sicily's preschool classmate from last year and her bestest buddy. This little girl used to send Sicily pictures she had drawn. I can't recall how many times Sicily's day was brightened when I'd bring in the mail and their was an envelop addressed to her and in it was something special from her dear friend. She and her mother came to visit us at home after we found out Sicily's cancer was terminal. They brought puzzles and she and Sicily sat down and immediately put one together on the living room coffee table. I've kept that puzzle and wrote the date on the back with a short description of why it is so important. It was the last puzzle she ever put together.
Sitting behind this little girl in church and observing her pure sweetness just became overwhelming to me. I held it together for the most part, but after communion and during the singing of our closing hymn, I lost it once again. It is hard to hide my emotions at times like these and the easiest thing for me to have done was to just grab my purse and run out the door, but I didn't. I needed to stand before God with this. The next thing I knew, I felt an arm wrap tightly around me...an arm, though attached to a small and petite frame, that was strong enough to hold me up if I began to proverbially crumble. I didn't even need to look to see who it was because I already knew, but I turned my head to the right so I could look into her eyes...it was Miss Sylvia, Sicily's teacher...and my friend. She came to my rescue. She stood beside me until the music had stopped and people began to move about. She hugged me and held me close as I continued to cry on her shoulder! Soon, her husband, JD...Sicily's partner in mischief, was at our side. Sicily's friend and her family approached us. I apologized to them and explained why I felt so overcome with emotion. I hope I didn't make them feel bad or too uncomfortable, but this was just another step in my healing process. I love seeing this little girl. Her smile makes me happy because her actions and friendship to Sicily made her so happy! I will always treasure how much she meant to her! I don't know if these types of emotions will continue when I see her sweet face or if this was an isolated incident because of my weekend solitude. I just know that after I experience something like this, I feel like I am on the right path. I am thankful that God is allowing all of this to happen, as it all has a reason and a purpose!
I need to hit the treadmill. After my doctor's appointment last week, the number on the scale scared me so I decided I needed to make some changes. Uuugh...not the fun kind of changes, either! Some people starve through grief, well, apparently I've been feeding mine a feast. My grief is insatiable and is about to get locked out of the fridge! Wish me luck! ; )
My love to you all and thank you for letting me continue to unload part of my burden on you. I can't explain how great I feel after I've been able to journal. It truly feels like I just handed off my backpack full of rocks and I'm free to run around for awhile until another load is collected! We can't get through this alone and haven't had to! By-the-way...Corinthian, Isabella and Elias are really doing good right now! Prayers for them are constantly being heard and answered. Thank you!!!