Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Reisterstown, Maryland
Long overdue...I know! So of course this means it will take a good chunk of your time to read. Just say'in!
Believe me when I say I miss sitting down to journal and unload some of the heaviness I carry in my heart. I know Chuck Yeager already broke the sound barrier before I even took my first breath, but do to the speed at which our lives seem to be going right now, we are coming close to breaking our own record of some sort. I'm not sure what might break, unless it's my sanity. I think I still have a pretty good hold on it for the mean time, although it's getting shaken up quite a bit lately! Mostly my own doing.
I need to learn to be a better manager of my own time, because I don't like feeling my life passing by at such a fast pace. I wish I had, among many other things, a pause button to push when our lives seem to be going too fast. I've wished at times for the chance to rewind a few areas of our lives, as well. But rewinding and replaying a part over and over again will not change what eventually happens. Often times when we let ourselves rewind we pull up things we wished we would have done differently. We allow that guilt or remorse to weigh us down, which inadvertently affects our today and our tomorrow.
What I have also discovered, however, in a more positive light, is by “replaying” certain life experiences, I am able to clearly see God in every bit of my life...the people and experiences He has connected me to and let me have. I understand better why certain events have taken place and why He put certain people in my life at any given point. I admittedly feel shame for recognizing God's companionship more in hindsight than for my desire and ability to look for Him in foresight, or more importantly, in the here and now...something I am working on daily! It is hard to always do when life is in play, when we have “this” to do or “that place” to be. I have even at times with admitted guilt wished for a quick press of the fast forward button, like right now. Can we please fast forward to Fall and skip these 105 degree temps with 115 heat index? I miss opening the blinds in our house to let the sunshine in...the light and warmth that makes me feel closer to Sicily. Instead, we are tripping around a semi-dark house in the middle of the day in hopes of keeping it cool. Yes, I am a heat wimp! I do melt, contrary to what I was told growing up...I WILL end up as a puddle on the sidewalk if left out in the sun too long! This will also happen if I am allowed to watch “Steal Magnolias” or any other sappy chick flick when left to my own devices. But that is a whole other chapter!
God won't allow me to fast forward through the parts of my life that I don't like or that make me feel uncomfortable as they, too, are opportunities to learn, grow, appreciate and possibly evoke change. Right now I am very appreciative of my closed blinds and working air conditioner! I am thankful for both, and more!
It's been almost two weeks since I last journaled. We were preparing to drive the five hour round trip to Kansas and Sicily's grave site to release the butterflies on the four month anniversary of her death. See, I am working at making myself stronger by just typing words that have been hard to say, read or write. To say, “Sicily's death” still has a strangeness attached to it somehow. Maybe it will always feel strange and never have a natural flow. Never-the-less, I am working at not avoiding those two words put side by side and in the same sentence. It is part of the healing process. Some days I am not bothered by those two words. Other days, I feel the pain as if it just happened yesterday. I let the tears roll and head to the medicine cabinet to dose myself with sinus allergy meds. When I cry too much, I end up with sinus problems. Go figure. You think I'd learn to avoid crying, but that won't do me any good in the long run. I will just keep the makers of the generic brand of allergy medicine I use in business for a quite some time! My tears = My healing!
The butterfly release was incredible. Once again I feel inept to find the right words to describe how BEAUTIFUL it all was. We were surrounded by family and friends...I believe there were approximately thirty of us there. Considering it was the middle of the day during the middle of the week, I did not have high expectations of a huge crowd. What we had was perfect and I learned more about God's perfection through this experience. I did a little research that was spawned by a comment a friend made in the guest book. I had written that we had seven butterflies viable for flight out of a possible ten cocoons. She shared that “seven” is known as the number of “spiritual perfection.” We had eight butterflies hatch, but the eighth and final butterfly emerged with completely underdeveloped wings and stood no chance at surviving in nature.
I marvel, in hindsight, of course, at the lessons God intended for me to learn through these butterflies. That eighth butterfly was just as important to me, if not more, than those seven other healthy butterflies that would soon take flight. I was able to keep the deformed butterfly alive with sugar water droplets on a carnation flower. This was how we fed all the butterflies while they were in our care. I just made sure I placed one of the flowers close to this butterfly at all times so it could feed. It was amazing to watch. It lopsidedly swaggered close to the flower and was able to sustain its own life. I knew this would not be the case once we took the butterflies to Kansas. I knew this butterfly would die shortly after placing it on Sicily's grave, but I was okay with that. I wanted to keep it alive as long as possible and it meant so much to me to lay it there above the ground were Sicily lay and know that it, too, would find its final resting place. I know this may all sound simple and sappy, but the symbolism to me was amazing.