I have to explain that last week started with my continued emotional downward spiral when we went to celebrate the 4th of July weekend at Patrick's sister's house a two hour drive away. This has become a family tradition and one we all look forward to and enjoy. Soon after Sicily's death, I told Patrick that I didn't think being around other children of her same age or with whom she was close to would affect me much. Sadly, I was wrong. I am learning to not make many predictions these days concerning “knowing” or “thinking” how I may feel down the road. It's nothing I have any control over, despite trying not to let certain things affect me. But I am strong enough to admit that it is hard to be near precious little four and five year old little girls without becoming overwhelmed with the loss of my own precious princess! I hate it! I don't want to feel this way. More over, I don't want others to avoid me due to this struggle. I struggled being around two of Sicily's little cousins who she adored and who adored her. After awhile, I was okay. I know my sister-in-law and other family members could read me and feel this and at the same time, continued to feel helpless. Like I said, I don't want to avoid situations. I don't want to alienate anyone or feel alienated myself. I guess it helps letting others know that I may be having a hard time. I know the level of compassion and understanding that is there for me so I will accept it! It also didn't help that is rained pretty much the entire day and altered our celebration. Another lesson in learning to just go with the flow.
One reason last week ended up being so difficult was because Corinthian left the 4th of July celebration with his aunt who drove him up to spend the week with his Grandma Zeka in Wellington. It turned out to be a wonderful week for him, but a true struggle for me. I need to be around our kids right now. Having lost one, I want to draw the other three as close to me as possible, but realize that I can't smother them. Their lives, as was Sicily's, are in God's hands. It wasn't that I worried about Corinthian's safety...nothing along those lines at all...I just struggled not being able to see him every day and get one of the many hugs he offered me when he knew I was desperately in need of one. He is like a third adult in our family and is so easy to converse with and share an occasional laugh. I wasn't ready to be separated, but knew it was what he wanted and deserved. Once again, I survived, but not without going to bed each night with a headache from all the boo-hoos!
The week ended with us traveling to Wellington, KS to be with family and celebrate Patrick's 25th high school class reunion during the famous “Wheat Festival.” It did my heart good. One thing that made me happy and permeated the pride I feel in my heart to be tied to a community such as Wellington was being a spectator for the first annual Wilm's Warriors Tot Trot. A dear friend sponsored this cute little run for children ages two to seven with the proceeds of the event going to Sicily's Memorial Scholarship Fund. Sicily was a very active little girl who loved to run with her daddy. She would have loved this! Honoring her in such a way truly brought me happiness AND I found myself loving being around all the kids...especially four and five year old little girls. God continues to heal me in little ways and big ways all the time! It was a great weekend!
I apologize, as I do so many times, that my writing tends to get pretty windy when so much time has passed between entries. I promised my mom that I wouldn't over do it today so I will sign off on this one but plan to continue writing and post another day. I will enjoy this good day and share the reason behind it another time. I will say for now, “To Be Continued...”
Blessing to all,