Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Reisterstown, Maryland
Tuesday, June 15, 2010 7:59 PM, CDT
We are fast approaching another change in seasons, from the cool comfortable spring climate to the sweltering tropical heat of summer. Okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration for east central Oklahoma, but I don't do humid well and when you mix in a little heat, uuuugh! I need ice water and an air conditioner!
This will be another first for us...our first summer without our sun lov'in, water splash'in, strawberry pick'in, sunflower seed chew'in, bike ride'in, sidewalk chalk'in, popsicle lick'in little munchkin. But as I catalog these activities...some of Sicily's favorites which only scrape the top of the list that described her energy and love for life (especially during the summer months)...attached to each activity lives the memory of this rambunctious little girl whose life ended just as it was beginning to become an adventure. In my life, as well as others, she was a source of happiness. She embodied the true essence of living life to the fullest, no matter what the circumstances. She wasn't perfect, as none of us are. I have said before, “Perfection, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.” But she was a perfect daughter in her daddy and my eyes! I treasure thinking about her orneriness as often as I love to think of her sweetness. It was all a part of who Sicily was. She was our resident “pot stir-er”...meaning, she liked to see how fired up she could get those she loved the most, ie, her siblings and her parents. Often times it meant telling her siblings when they were doing something wrong (in her law abiding eyes) and making sure mom and dad were aware of the criminals acts. It also included telling one parent what the other parent had done wrong, like daddy unbuckling his seat belt too early upon entering the neighborhood and not waiting for the safe confines of the garage, like she was so appropriately trained to do by mom.
We have to remember the “hard to deal with” aspects of Sicily's personality along with the “beautiful and brag-able” traits, as well! One thing is for sure...I can't let Sicily's death rob me of the happiness she gave me! I must find ways to cherish these memories, all of them, and let them cast a positive light on the remainder of my life. I have to work at allowing these precious visions, that are thankfully still fresh and easy to recall to mind, be the liable forces that make me smile, laugh and feel Sicily's presence versus the sadness that tends to have an overpowering affect. It is truly a constant battle between the two, the happiness and the sadness, everyday. Sometimes, fisticuffs break out on an hourly basis! I can look at a photo of Sicily or recall a memory and it will either make me happy and smile with warm emotions, or the tears form faster than a flash flood in the plains of the Midwest and begin to roll down my cheeks before I can even attempt to barrier them by looking away or changing my train of thought. I know this is normal. I know that time will soon soothe all the raw edges. I know that this is undeniably one of the hardest parts of life to endure, but something that everyone, at some point, must attempt to do!
I feel blessed to have so many people still journeying on this road with us...so many people. Though many may not have had any biological ties to Sicily, she was loved as if she were their own daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece or cousin. I know Sicily was loved beyond physical boundaries. She did not need to be physically seen or personally known to evoke the greatest emotion that God could bestow upon us...Love! Our experience these past almost twenty-two months has continued to be nothing short of beautiful in how love has been shown and shared. All because a little girl had cancer! ; ) Great title for a book, don't ya think? ; )
I have an overpowering need to share a little more in depth information concerning the workings and mechanics of pediatric cancer, particularly where treatment choices are concerned. Part of this need stems from my desire to explain a little more in detail why Patrick and I had to make some of the decisions that we were basically forced to make, only because time ran out for us, not that I feel anyone is passing judgment on us. Please know that we have never felt anything but love and support from everyone, but I do suspect some wonder why we didn't seek treatment someplace else. Maybe this is also just a cleansing of my conscience so others will understand how much of a “dead end road” we had come to and that we truly ran out of options concerning the attempt to save Sicily's life. This will reinstate our desire to increasingly support pediatric cancer research. It also goes hand in hand with my last journal entry in explaining why I so strongly want to support the Pablove Foundation, which is still in its infancy in the vast arena of cancer based foundations, but I feel it has the potential to make an impact!
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