Friday, May 21, 2010 12:20 PM, CDT
Not to alarm anyone as I'm sure many are probably falling out of their chairs to see that I am journaling for the second day in a row, which has not been habit for me since Sicily was here and receiving treatment. I just have so much in me that I don't want to keep it all bottled up or continue stirring it around in my head as I may risk the chance of forgetting it all, which I have done many times in the past.
I finally broke down and bought a little Sony MP3 recorder so I could quickly capture those random thoughts that seem to find their way into my mind at the most inopportune times. And guess what, it came with a USB jack so I can plug it into the computer and save my ramblings on iTunes if I need to. That's about as close as I am going to get to having a USB port in my head like I've always dreamed about. The problem with this little scenario is that the cute little red recorder arrived on Tuesday and is still sitting on the kitchen counter neatly packed in the clear plastic box it arrived in. I made it as far as cutting three sided of the plastic open with scissors so that it would be easy to remove, but it remains in the same spot that I left it on Tuesday. I did ask Corinthian if he would mind reading the directions and then teaching me how to use it.
In my defense, this is not an act of laziness on my part...Corinthian is just our little techno whiz and I thought he might enjoy figuring it out for me. I'm also masking this as a little opportunity for a chance at some mother/son bonding time, if you will. When a boy hits those teenage years and prefers to be off texting or interacting on the computer with anyone other than his mom, these moments sometimes need to be created and worked on. Once again, the recorder still sits on the kitchen counter. Maybe this weekend it will magically fight its way out of the box and appear in the palm of my hand. It's at least worth wishing for! ; )
Meanwhile, the work I need to do around the house will just have to wait. I will apologize to my husband and kids as the condition of the house will look the same way it did before they left for work and school this morning and that tonight's dinner will come in the form of cashing in a restaurant gift card (which the kids will love, anyway!). Some things just need to take precedent! Okay, so I've spoken my peace and cleared my conscious (sort of) to allow myself to peck away at the keyboard for awhile. Therapy is now in session.
I guess one of the reasons I feel so strongly to write again today is because I woke up this morning with that heavy feeling weighing down my heart, soul, mind and overall physical state. Every day when my alarm clock goes off at that all too early setting (at least for this night owl) of a little after 6:00 am, I sit up in bed and wonder what kind of day my psyche is going to let me have. Will I feel full of God's presence immediately or will I have my work cut out for me before my feet hit the floor? Honestly, that's how I know whether my day is going to be an easy one or a hard one...just seconds after the alarm sounds and my eyes open.
This morning, partially due to my need to stay up past eleven to watch the end of a Law and Order episode...I see no need in starting to watch one if I'm not going to be able to let myself finish it...I awoke with less than enthusiastic emotions. Though today is the last day of school for the kids and that alone feels like an accomplishment and a reason to be happy, that heaviness was already present before I even opened my eyes. Being the type of person I am, I need to dissect this feeling and try to figure out if there is a specific reason today is going to start out this way over other days. It took me several hours before “it” finally hit me and I truly do deal better if I can have an explanation.
Today is May 21st...today marks two full months without Sicily firing up everyone's spirits around the house. Today is really no different than yesterday and probably will not alter too much from what tomorrow brings, but the date on the calendar glows with that number twenty-one...that number that will forever be etched in my mind and engraved in my heart. Even though the only thing written on the calendar, in pen, is the acknowledgment that today is the final day of school for Corinthian, Isabella and Elias. It's Corinthian's last day as a middle school-er...it's Isabella's last day as the youngest class of kids at middle school...it's Elias' last day to be considered as one of the “younger grades” in elementary. Really, none of that seems to affect me one way or the other. I'm most affected just knowing that two months and a day ago Sicily was still physically present in this house and in my life. I pray that as each twenty-first day of each of the following months hereafter arrive, I will feel less and less “heart heavy” and will see it as just another day to celebrate all of God's blessings. Acknowledging this as something I hope that happens is, at least for me, the first step in actually letting that happen. It's all about keeping my heart open...allowing the good to still happen along with the bad...letting God continue to be the captain of my forever sailing ship.