These are right up my alley!!! Here are a few more (none original)
I often visit the state of confusion and I know my way around pretty well.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
If money can't buy happiness..then you don't know where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again neither does milk!
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
If the police arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
Everyone's life has a purpose. Yours was to serve as a bad example.
It's not my fault I never learned to accept responsibility.
Did you ever notice the Roman numerals for 40 are XL?
Of course it is in the last place you looked!
My doctor told me jogging would add years to my life. I only jogged once and I feel 10 years older already.
Don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be left alone.
I'm not here to encourage you. I am here to offer unsolicited advice and criticism.
(Fish stamp) Not tonight dear, I have a haddock.
I'm a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating.
Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? He's all right now.
Guilt. The gift that keeps on giving.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Do old men wear boxers or briefs???? Depends.
Just when you think you've seen it all...you try on your bathing suit.
I may be lost, but I'm making good time.
The secret to success is sincerity. If you can fake that you've got it made! (Jean Giraudoux)
To exercize is human, not to is divine. (Robert Orben)
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give some people.
If the shoe fits buy the matching purse.
Before you cricitize someone walk a mile in their shoes. Then if it makes them mad you are a mile away and you have the shoes.
My reality check bounced.
If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you!
We all have faults. Mine is being wicked.
It ain't the jeans that make your but* look fat.
Follow your dreams unless it is the one where you are naked at work during a firedrill.
I used to go skinny dipping. Now I chunky dunk.
It might look like I'm doing nothing...but at the cellular level I am really quite busy.
You can't have everything in life. Where would you put it?
Now that food has replaced my se* life even I can't get in my pants.
The doctor told me to lower my cholesteral so no more high heels.
How do I get everything I want? Slow but constant whining.
Be a well-rounded person. Eat more chocolate
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Your HMO refuses to pay for an enema. I'm gonna have to slap the sh** out of you!
And on a nicer note:
The best portion of a good man's (replace with woman's) life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness. William Wordsworth
Ring the bell that still can ring, forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets through. Leonard Cohen