Monday, January 4, 2010 4:41 PM, CST
Hello and good afternoon,
No news to report yet as we were told we most likely won't hear anything until tomorrow morning. There is a small chance we could find out late this afternoon, but it would not be a definitive call, only preliminary. I have done very well so far in dealing with the anxiety (“scanxiety”) that accompanies days like today...didn't even feel it in the days prior, but that most likely has to do with the fact that we were busy and preoccupied. A good thing to be before such an event. Sometimes we have control over the things that cause us to stress, but most times we don't, so it's best to let go of the worrying. Easier said than done, but I have to try and this time it worked.
There is nothing we would have done differently and there is nothing we can do at this moment in the here and now that would or will change the results of these scans. I have put my faith and abounding trust in God. If it be His will, then we will hear what we hope to hear. If not, we will continue to look for other ways to treat Sicily to give her the chance at life she deserves.
Miss Sicily is full of her usual spunk and energy...just happy to “Be!” Her appetite has returned and we love to see her this way. Last night at dinner she had seconds. She usually doesn't finish her firsts! She was a radiology tech's dream patient this morning during her scans, which is par for her. She actually likes the CT machine. It must serve as a carnival ride of some sort for her...the table she lays on moves up and down and back and forth, and the inside of the machine spins around her all the while. As an adult it scares and intimidates me, but not the fearless one! She also doesn't mind drinking the radioactive contrast needed to scan her abdomen. I guess I might drink it, too, if I were NPO all morning!
I feel a sense of peace and calm right now. Hopefully it's not the calm before the storm. I'm leaning more to it being the calm after the mental, emotional and physical rush of the holidays. This year wiped me out emotionally, I think, and for reasons that are not apparent to me! In forty years of life, this is the first time I feel a feeling of relief that they are over. I still have yet to send out my Christmas cards, but I also still plan on doing them. If I would have had any foresight this year I would have ordered “Happy New Year's” cards instead! ; )
We were able to make it to church yesterday morning for the first time in a long time as a complete family. Sicily's numbers were high enough on Thursday that we felt comfortable taking her. We usually sit in the back somewhere...not exactly by choice but because by the time we finally arrive that is the only area left with enough room for the six of us to squeeze in together.
Sicily was on the tired side and preferred for me to hold her most of the service. She kept one of her knitted hats on for awhile, but as she laid her head on my shoulder it started to slip off so I removed it exposing her little bald head. Even though we are used to her appearance, I have to keep in mind that others around us may not be. It's something hard to see, despite her still looking absolutely beautiful, but it attracts the eyes of strangers whose hearts, I know, must ache for what they ponder she has had to go through. Many know, even though they don't know us personally.
Sicily's name has been read faithfully during petitions for prayers for the past year and a half during mass. Soon after we heard her name for the unknownth time, a lady sitting near me leaned back and asked if this was Sicily. I said it was and she introduced herself. Her name is one that is familiar to me through the church and she told Sicily that she had cancer at one time, too. She was very sweet and for some reason I needed someone to acknowledge Sicily's presence that morning...one of those strange feelings that usually go unexplained. We usually see someone familiar on Sunday mornings, but we attended a later service than what we usually do.
We were then instructed to turn to a page in the hymnal as I heard the familiar tune of “What Child Is This” beginning to play on the organ...one of my very favorite Christmas songs. Again, for reasons unknown I felt tears burning in my eyes and experienced their cold dampness as they streamed down my checks. My nose began to run and I was without any kleenex in my purse so I had to continue to sniffle, bringing unwanted attention to myself from those around me. Church does that to me sometimes. Holding my beautiful bald cancer fighting daughter during church does that to me, a lot! Certain music brings on such emotions and I just go with the flow...the flow of leaky eyes! I guess even though I did not perceive myself as giving into the stress and anxiety of Sicily's upcoming scans, I was unconsciously feeling the dread and had been for the past two weeks during my favorite holiday. It felt good to release a little of that built up weight yesterday morning as I once again turned my cares and troubles over to God. I gave it to Him...I handed it over to the only One who can get me through this! Therefore...I am!
I will jump on here as soon as I hear anything, which still may be awhile. If the phone doesn't ring by lunch time tomorrow I will politely call and check in. This could be agony if I let it...but I won't...and neither should any of you. You are all doing everything you can to help us by praying and lifting us up! That is all we can ask...and we will continue to ask!
Love to you all,