Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Reisterstown, Maryland
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2009 10:36 AM, CST
Sorry I'm a little slow posting these days. There's been a lot going on and sometimes I don't feel like I have enough time to sit down long enough to collect my thoughts very well. And then when I do, I practically journal a book! Sorry!
The three older kids and I made a quick trip up to Wellington, Kansas Monday afternoon for a benefit program that the high school National Honor Society put together for Sicily called "Wellington's Got Talent!" I was almost shaking as I drove into the town were we spent five wonderful years. I knew it was going to be an emotional evening for me, and it really was. We had countless family and friends there to show their support. I was able to see my wonderful sorority sisters and I still feel like crying as I miss them so much and they are still so very important to me. I miss their smiles, hugs and eyes of understanding. It is times like this that I wish we still lived in Wellington. They can't be replaced.
And our family, again, I cry because I miss them, but they all have done such an awesome job at coming to visit us and being there for us in our deepest times of need. They are awesome, as well! I am so proud to be associated with the community of Wellington and feel so blessed that they still consider us one of their own.
Our dear friend and old reliable babysitter, Katie, is one of the Honor Society officers that helped organize the show and she and the other officers took the kids and I out to dinner before hand. I so enjoyed that. What an awesome group of young people!
And then there was our nephew Ben...what can I say? He performed a song in honor of Sicily that I was not familiar with but now I can't get it out of my head. It's a sort of haunting melody titled Mad World and after I did a little research on it, discovered that it was originally performed by a group that I loved in the 80's called Tears for Fears, but the version Ben sang was a remake by Gary Jules and I loved it. I thought he did awesome! I downloaded it off of itunes. It's a sad sort of song, but somehow it captures some of the emotions I've been feeling lately. Thank you, Ben, for having such a big heart!
And I can't thank the National Honor Society students enough for all their efforts. I truly enjoyed the evening, as did the kids! You guys are truly special!
As we were driving back to gandma's house to spend the night, I called Patrick at home to tell him how the evening went. He said that when he brought Sicily home from the hospital, she fell asleep in the car. He tried very gingerly to carry her inside, but she woke up as they entered the house and called out, "Surprise, we're home"...to an empty house. That completely broke my heart! Luckily, she was content that Stowie was there to greet her, but it made mommy feel like driving immediately home, even though we wouldn't arrive until after midnight. I knew that wasn't a smart idea, so we did spend the night.
We left town bright and early Tuesday morning as Corinthian didn't want to miss much school. We were able to get him there before the end of second hour...and I didn't speed...too much!
Things are still going pretty good for Sicily, and life for the rest of us, as well. But then those thoughts that I try so hard to avoid thinking slip into my mind like water seeping into the dry soil. Is Sicily doing so well for a reason? Is God allowing us to build good memories with her on a day to day basis because He actually has plans for her that don't include an earthly existence? Or is Sicily truly a miracle in working progress? HOPE forces me to try to side with the latter, but the reality of cancer, and more precisely, Sicily's exact diagnosis, allows me to sometimes think and cry over the former!
Cancer stinks, plain and simple! I'd give up every earthly possession and all the materialistic belongings that God has so generously blessed us with for our daughter to be completely healed and live a long healthy life. But God doesn't let us make those decisions or give us the bargaining power to make such deals. It's a wait and see game in a world of "I want to know now!" My dear friend, Caterina, sent me an email recently that said something to the effect that we prefer to "microwave" our lives while God prefers to "marinate" them! So true! I'm marinating, believe me, and sometimes it's in a bowl of salty tears. My emotions tend to fluctuate as much as the Oklahoma weather lately. I don't feel like I have much control over them. So I'm learning to go with the flow. I cry when I feel like crying and I laugh when I feel like laughing, and some days I've mastered the talent of doing both at the same time! I feel like my face is starting to show the affects of the last six months. I'm turning forty in June yet feel like I've surpassed the age and quite frankly, don't care! It's just a number.
Well, Sicily woke up very early this morning and has proceeded to fall asleep on the living room floor. This is about the only time I can actually accomplish anything worth accomplishing, so I'd better get to work! Thank you all for continuing to be there with us and for us on this roller coaster. Couldn't do it without you!
One more thing, our Wilm's cancer buddy, Hollyn Peterson, is embarking on a very difficult journey and I would like to ask for some very strong prayers to be said for her and her family. They are my role models right now and I wish I was able to help them with what they are about to go through. The best thing I know is to ask God to stay constantly by their sides, as I know He will! She has a CaringBridge website, as well, if you are interested in learning more about her. She and her family are awesome! Thanks, everyone!